« March 2006 |
main
| May 2006 »
Sunday, 30 April 06
up and at ém
if i get my shit together, maybe i can get my homework done by 4pm so i can go over and relaxingly enjoy one of my closest friend's birthday party. that would awfully nice. only thing is -- i'm behind in my homework. :P
Posted by brooke at 10:55 AM
| comments (0)
Friday, 28 April 06
public service announcement
this website is taking the public stance that it supports the spanish language version of the star spangled banner. we here at rivervision (okay, its just me) may not always be the best advocate for oppressed populations, but we try our hardest at all times to be a good ally. we do not believe that singing the american national anthem in spanish is unpatriotic. we are all immigrants. lets celebrate that. lets celebrate the diversity of this country. lets all embrace it, honour it, and love it.
Posted by brooke at 08:53 AM
| comments (2)
Wednesday, 26 April 06
it's about the lyrics.
i'm on a dar williams kick right now on the ipod. today was a day of catching up for class and working with a teen to help them take an action that may help get their life back on track, back on track in the middle of a chaotic home life. the teen was in my car today, and this song came up on the ipod. it seemed terribly appropriate.
Better Things
c Dar Williams
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
Here's hoping all the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.
It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
yeah my friend, its about moving forward. no promises of better things, but the biggest of hopes. yeah my sweet friend, i'll do what i can to help.
---
and seemingly appropriate, i'm watching 'south pacific in concert' on opb. i always loved this song, which just fits into the whole LEAD theme:
You've Got to Be Carefully Taught
You've got to be taught
To hate and fear
You've got to be taught
From year to Year
It's got to be drummed
in your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught
You've got to be taught
To be Afraid
Of people whose eyes
are oddly made
And people whose skin
Is a different shade
You've got to be carefully taught
You've got to be taught
Before it's too late
Before you are 6 or 7 or 8
To hate all the people
your relatives hate
You've got to be carefully taught
Posted by brooke at 10:35 PM
| comments (1)
Wednesday, 19 April 06
really cool friends
my friend ms is a part of the nevada test experience . i haven't heard a lot about it, but i know he is terribly dedicated to it. a couple of weeks ago he went on the holy peace week walk. it was really nice to see those pictures, as it gave me a better sense of where he was when i called him. also, it really brings home more the work he is involved with. its pretty amazing work. *and* lastly, it makes me realize, i really do have cool friends. i mean, cool friends who do amazing things to change the world.
last week i was busily counting my blessings. here's a new one. i am incredibly blessed to get to surround myself with people who want to make the world a better place. yes, very blessed. thanks ms helping me realize yet another blessing. see you tommorrow my friend.
Posted by brooke at 11:42 PM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 18 April 06
yes, its a big freakin' screen.
seriously. the laptop is here, i'm using it and the darn screen feels bigger than the old laptop!
update. yes. the new computer is larger than the old one. i thought the old one had a large screen, but the new one has an even larger one -- 17" - thats pretty darn big. anyhow, its also lighter than the old one. and much more of a bad ass computer. 1.99GB ram. 120GB HD. yeah. and now, now both computers are ready to go. the old one to maj the new one all for me. maj is excited. i'm tired. she doesn't get the carrying case till i get the one for the new one though.
Posted by brooke at 03:28 PM
| comments (0)
waiting.
i'm waiting for my laptop to be delivered. it has 30 minutes to be delievered, or else it has to wait till 1.45. i've got to go to class. i thought about skipping class, and going to the session the sweet little ta's ta does on wednesdays at 1, but i figured that waiting for my laptop wasn't a good enough reason to skip class and burden the sweet young fellow. and, really, skipping class because i'm waiting for my laptop, that i can pick up TOMMORROW, is not a good way to re-start my schooling career. death of a family member, being terribly sick, my car breaking down (yeah, cross fingers THAT never happens), a sick cat -- those are good reasons, but waiting for my laptop - oh crap no.
----
a conversation between me and max:
me: hiya maxie.
max: grrrrr.
me: sweet cat.
max: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
me: yep, the sweetest cat in the whole neighbourhood -- right here. yep. good thing you're cute, eh?
max: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
----
didn't get to sleep till too late last night. :P but i'm up and chipper this morning. i've read the stats chapter, mostly cleaned my kitchen -- so i can have juice in the morning, and fretted about the computer coming. i've had coffee, emergen'c and iron and am listening to 'the best of sheryl crow'. yeah, the iron totally fucks with my stomach. crap if i dind't need it so much i wouldn't take it. but i need it, so i take it. i'll put something in my belly before i ride off to class.
it'll be a nice day for a bike ride. its wonderfully sunny outside. gotta love that. i may be late to class. gonna wait as long as possible for the laptop. 25 minutes to get to class. hopefully that'll be long enough. working at home this afternoon.
on that note. gonna go scrounge something to eat. in the kinda clean kitchen.
Posted by brooke at 10:59 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 17 April 06
i've noticed a few things about myself.
what makes a perfect start for the day?
- a cold cup of sweet coffee. not sweet like 'nice' but sweet like 'lots of sugar or artificial sugar.'
- a fresh (made the night before) glass of carrot / apple juice.
- a water bottle full of water with 2 emergen'c packets.
- iron tablets.
seriously, it may sound like a lot, but i've noticed that incorporating all these things into my morning breakfast time make the rest of the day a hell of a lot easier. tommorrow? i've got all but the juice. i need to clean my kitchen in order to be able to make the juice.
on that note. its time to go to bed. but before i sign off.. i'm going to leave you with this -- its for my peace friends. my friends who are out there on the streets doing the difficult work of organizing day in and day out. its such thankless work and the victories are far fewer and further apart than the day to day victories i get in the work that i'm doing now. i know i don't seem very appreciative, but i am, terribly. thank you my friends....
It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.
I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death, I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again. ~Anne Frank, August 1, 1944
g'nighty night. see you in the morning.
Posted by brooke at 11:28 PM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 16 April 06
i'm up late.
i'm up late. i love being up late. i'm a night person. i mean, really a night person. and since my life has gotten a bit nuts these days i'm up later, because really, it isn't until about 10pm that i can start to think really straight. yeah. weird. i know. i'm somehow going to see about working this out when i get to usu. see if i can arrange my schedule there later rather than earlier. cause i'm a night person, not a morning person.
anyhow, so tonight i've given myself permission to stay up late. 3 is my attempted time for sleep. i hope it happens, cause i gotta meet friend c at 10.30 and then do laundry, figure out why my stats calculations that i did by hand didn't come out the same as running the same set of variables in spss, and do my evaluation. a lot to do for a day i'm not going to get much sleep for. oh well.
anyhow, tonight was night of working on getting to logan. yeah yeah yeah.. i know, y'all are tired of hearing about logan. got it. well, i'm not tired of talking about, so go have your feelings elsewhere about it. :)
yeah. so looking at rental stuff. and realizing that life would be a lot easier without cats. life would be a lot easier and cheaper. *sigh* but then i was cuddling with one of them and i was thinking about not having any of them as i trek down this road to hopefully becoming me, ph.d. and i knew i couldn't give them up. no, i need to have cat-buggers in logan with me. and if i just take a deep breath and believe that it'll all work out, it will.
*sigh* i hope so. the reality of what i'm about to go do is slowly setting in. the financial realities, the work realities, the loneliness realities, all of them. yeah yeah, i know, i have an assistantship, but.. goddess, at this point i don't know what the stipend will be. yeah. i have money scarcity issues. i have friends with time scarcity issues, mine.. mine are money. but hopefully i'll just breathe and it'll all work out. i hope so. *sigh*
i really can't wait to get there. i mean, part of me can't. realistically i have a lot of heartbreak to go through, but i'm looking forward to the day that i walk into the ed building for the first time. when i walk (back) in there for the first time, as a student and new apartment renter in logan, will be the moment that i'm knowing i've taken the step. yeah. its at that moment that i know i've taken the steps to fly, only this time i'll be going it alone, no one strapped to my back to make sure the parachute opens.
i know, i know, i'm being all melodramatic and crap here, but i get to be that way. reflectively melodramatic. yeah, for someone who was raised around this stuff, for someone who never thought she'd go back to school ever.. for someone who went to hell and back and on certain pieces of paper and to some people looks like she should never ever accomplish anything, this is a big deal. yeah. i've come a long way since that day in september of 2001. and i'm not talking september 11th. i guess you could say i had my own september 11th that year, only it wasn't the 11th, it was the 27th, and i lived to tell about it. i don't know if i wasn't supposed too, but at the time - and for a long time afterwards - it certainly didn't feel like i was supposed to be sitting here at 2.30am, writing about not only getting to go work on getting a ph.d. BUT also having an assistantship at a place doing work that totally fits into my moral and political values. no, on september 27th and for a long time afterwards i wasn't supposed to get what i'm getting. and so because of that i'm going to be melodramatic about it all. i'm going to melodramatic, i'm going to be amazed and giddy, excited, overwhelmed, heartbroken, stressed, and in a state of disbelief. because at the time i wasn't supposed to get what i'm getting today. no, i wasn't.
and on that note, i should do my usual reading and editing and maybe deleteing of this post. and then go to sleep. long day tommorrow. long week next week.
Posted by brooke at 02:12 AM
| comments (0)
Saturday, 15 April 06
*sigh*
this is just a boring post about my week ahead.
i spent most of the day with my friends p and t. t is p's 8.5 year old daughter, p is my dear friend. we hadn't seen each other since i'd been to logan and she'd been to dancing on the edge (heart of now 2). we both had a lot to tell each other, and i was glad to finally process dancing on the edge with p. i didn't realize how much i wanted to process with her until i finally started to talk to her about it. 6 months later and i can still process my own experience. i feel incredibly glad for the both of us as we both ended up in excellent pods (you stay with the same pod of people the whole weekend). we know that our experience was very much dictated by the people in our pod. i still have affectionate memories and am terribly fond of my pod mates 6 months later. and i know they are terribly fond and have affecionate memories of me 6 months later. yep, i sure do love a, m and k a lot and am looking forward to k and i supporting a as he is a student at heart of now next month.
all that said.
tonight i have to do my stats homework. after being hooked to that damn book at the hip for the first half of the week, i've not picked it up since wednesday afternoon. time to pick it up and get ahead with my homework as i need to turn in homework 2 on monday and 3 by wednesday as i won't be in class next monday to do so. wednesday i felt okay about it all, but i'll refigure that tonight.
tommorrow i get to see my fried c for a few hours and then off to do laundry. and then my staff evaluation for LEAD. i told maj i would have it done by monday, so i've gotta get it done. after that its probably more reading for usu or something related. i'm reading a lot these days as i've been officially out of the field for too long. yesterday found me reading the first chapter of the instructional use of learning objects. the term 'learning objects' is something i've been coming across a lot, so i did a quick google search on the term and pulled that book up. its totally handy dandy that its online and available for reading. maybe i'll read the whole book, maybe i won't.. but even if i don't i can tell you i now know what a learning object is.
this week doesn't find me in any meetings, except for thursday. i think i have a meeting with maj on thursday, and i have a very quickie meeting with our graphic designer on thursday from 4.45 - 5.30, and then i'm headed out to heart of now for the weekend. my hope is that i'll have nothing to do out there besides just what i want to do. no homework, no stats, no nothing besides maybe reading 'development as freedom' a book recommended to me by the fellow i'll be working for at usu. it looks interesting, and my uncle -- a ph.d. in economics with good politics -- had good thing to say about the author.
*sigh*
on that note, time to make the bed. damn sheets keep coming off because of the feather bed. its ind of a pain in the ass to have the feather bed floating around on top. i just wish the darn thing would stay made.
Posted by brooke at 05:57 PM
| comments (0)
Friday, 14 April 06
*breathe*
yep. its all about the breath this morning. now that i'm in the office i'm feeling better than i was earlier.
---
my mind is all a spin about this whole going to utah state thing. of course it is. i go back and forth and forth and back. part of me wishes i could go ahead and get the good-byes over with and get there. part of me wish i would never have to say good-bye. part of me wishes that i could hold on to all these people forever and ever and ever. but all of me knows thats not realistic. all of me knows that what waits for me at utah state are things that i cannot turn down the opportunity to take advantage of.
*sigh*
but all of that doesn't deny the sadness i feel about leaving. my fears of loosing connection. my fears that they'll all forget me and move on without me. yes, that is my greatest fear. that while i'm in logan that i'll loose my place here. and i know its unrealistsic for them to hold my place here, for them to hold it without it being occupied. it has to be. i know i can have part of my vision of having both logan and oregon in my hands, but i know i can't have it all. no matter how much i want too. its unrealistic to ask of people here. and its unrealistic to ask of the people there.
*sigh*
apparently university of washington still doesn't know i'm not coming. i got my financial aid award letter from them. it was all loans :P blech. but thats okay, because i don't need their loans. and i wish they had grants for graduate students, because now i'm poor and can get grants.. as an undergraduate it was my folks..
*sigh*
but i'm just babbling this morning. nothing too interesting in this post other than me just talking. but i'm finding that typing it all out is helpful. typing out my feelings about all that lies ahead of me.. all these high-class problems. yes. i remind myself, i've got high class problems. i'm a lucky person to have such high-class problems. yes. in the midst of my sadness about leaving all these people here, i need to remind myself to count my high-class blessings. i don't know if it changes the level of heart break, but it puts in perspective. high-class heartbreak. i'm a lucky girl. i know lots of people who aren't so lucky. yes, i'm a lucky girl to have such high-class blessings and heart break. a very lucky girl.
Posted by brooke at 11:03 AM
| comments (0)
still
i needed to read this:
"You tell me to stand still, but I am not walking," he shouted, "whereas you who are walking say you are still. How is it that you are standing still but I am not?"
The Buddha turned round. "My legs move but my mind is still," he said. "Your legs are still but your mind moves all the time in a fire of anger, hatred, and feverish desire. Therefore, I am still but you are not."
-Majjhima Nikaya
----
"We need to erase the slander that a black student with a book is acting white." ~Barak Obama
Posted by brooke at 08:34 AM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 13 April 06
yehaww.
i guess it was those jelly beans i had for breakfast? or the conversation i had with dad? or getting to hear from the ever so sweet ms that he wants to spend time with me. i currently don't have any social plans for the weekend, so i was feeling sorry for myself, so i called ms.. and while he's not available this weekend, he does want to spend time with me. which is nice.
i was contemplating grad school pretty heavily last night. after that email from maj my mind just went into a spin about leaving. how can i leave? how am i going to survive in logan without all these people here? i mean, i have a hard enough time setting up social dates as it is and i have lots of people who love me.. and then to go to a place where i will only know people who i work with.. thats going to be rough. i'm going to be awfully lonely. really.
.. and thats when all this heart of now stuff comes in. i had this moment last night where i was thinking -- yeah, thats it. and to acknowledge that it will be lonely, and to acknowledge that lots of people find grad school incredibly lonely made it easier. it made waking up this morning with no social dates planned for the weekend easier to handle. this graduate school is going to be hard. and i'm not going to be the only one who feels that way. i'll be surrounded by people who find it difficult. i'll be surrounded by and working with people who will understand the situation i'm in. AND i'm lucky, that even though i don't have any social dates for the weekend, i do have a lot of people who love me.. and the vast majority of them won't stay in touch, because goddess knows i suck at keeping in touch as well, but i'll know they love me. i have a hell of a lot more people who love me now than i've ever had in my life. thats a good thing to say.
so, i'll just take each day as it comes. i'll surround myself with things from all these people here in oregon who love me, and do daily reminders of how much they've brought me and how much i've brought them.. and then i'll make calls. and occassionally i'll do the 12 hour drive home to oregon. i'll go out to lost valley, i'll see p, t, and g, and i'll see all these LEAD people. and i'll get a bigger reminder. and it'll all be good.
Posted by brooke at 10:31 AM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 12 April 06
in need of xena night.
i got here to our office away from the office and my first thought was.. god damn white male patriarchs, get out of my way. um. yeah. i think i need a xena night. um yeah. :P and a cup of coffee. *sigh* but seriously. or not so. rather, not so. but i tell ya, sometimes the way the men carry themselves. so many of them don't even know the privilage they carry. just makes a girl want to smack the back of those balding heads of theirs. privilage?!? this is what it'll get ya! a smack on the head!
*sigh* but then my head would have to be smacked. what with me being a white woman full of lots of privilage because of race, class and education.
i'll make you a deal. you < my dear few readers > can smack me anytime i assert my privilage in a way that is oppressive, if i can do the same thing to all the white men i see walking around. and in oregon, thats a lot of white men. btw, i hear its even more in utah! twice the smacking i dare say?!?
Posted by brooke at 09:42 AM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 11 April 06
ode to maj.. or, i've become a part of it -- without noticing.
i went to group tonight. i go to group every tuesday night. today i wasn't looking forward to it, because i have so much to do, and i wanted to stay at the office laughing and working with s. but once i got there i was happy.. as usual. i love group. i absolutely love group. i love the teens, i love the other volunteers, i love the people i work with. yes. i love LEAD.
i've only been there for a short time. i've only been working in the office since right before christmas.. but sometimes it just seems so much longer. it really does.
anyhow. so, i was at group tonight and we were doing our closing and we were all hugging and stuff -- like we always do -- and at one point i looked around and i realized -- i've become a part of this. i mean, i'm doing this goofy cheer and i'm hugging on all these people, and i'm in this process of looking at who i am and working to become the best person i am (because thats what we do at LEAD), and and and.. and these people look at me and they accept me as being a part of this.
i remember coming in and not knowing if i'd be accepted. i mean, i had this idea that i might be, but i wasn't fully sure. i wasn't fully sure if i would ever go from being an outsider to just simply being there. not an insider that excludes, but rather, just a part of the picture.
when i wrote the other day i talked about counting my blessings. i count them and am grateful for them everyday. LEAD is one of those blessings. leaving eugene, leaving LEAD and these people.. its going to be heartbreaking. i mean, seriously and hugely heartbreaking. i'll stay in touch, but i won't have them on a daily basis. i won't have those teens doing their thing that makes me smile, that picks me up on a crappy day. i won't have them in my daily life. i will miss them dearly. you don't come across organizations like this very much.. you don't come across people like 'these people' very often. i mean, everyone has the potential to be just like them, but you don't find that potential developed very often.
i was reading the personal site of this fellow i'm going to work for yesterday night. on it he wrote something about family and how much he loves having one. part of me felt sad because i don't have my own.. but, see.. i don't have my own the way he has his.. but i do.. i mean, really.. LEAD is family. LEAD has become my family.. and i know that in my short time physically here, i've given something back to my family. i know i haven't just come in and taken from them and been here kind of and then am leaving.. i mean, i know i've given them something.... AND they've given me so much back. more than i ever could have imagined when my friend said to me 'i know a small non-profit that could use your skills.'
no maj, i didn't expect this. i didn't expect to become a part of it.. i didn't expect the teens to welcome me with open arms as an adult that they trust. i didn't expect to change so much. i didn't expect LEAD to become something that i live and breathe every day. no, no matter how far i go i will never ever be able too rid this organization from who i am. no, i will never work with people the same, i will never work with teens the same. no no no.
and the reason i titled this 'ode to maj' is because really, i acknowledge that it is her. this is her vision, this is her heart and soul and blood, sweat and teers. to write about LEAD is to write about maj.
yes maj, i don't know if i've said it exactly lately, but thank you. thank you from the bottom of my heart and back. but i hope you know that if i don't say it, that when i talk about how much i love all 'you people' or when i work to get LEAD a laptop, or when i talk about taking the LEAD philosophy to utah state, or when i laugh out loud in the office with s and s, or or or.. whenever i do work that helps out LEAD or our LEAD community that its my way of saying thank you. because the words thank you just doesn't do it justice. i don't know if you knew that i'd fit in so well when you brought me, but i do. thank you. thank you for making me one of your staff, for bringing me in and trusting me with the teens, for showing me how to do this better, for allowing me to make mistakes with them and the office stuff, for taking a chance. and thank you for being so humble about it all. i know you know what you've done, but you take the thank you's with such grace and humility that it makes me just want to thank you more. and i know its not just about you, i know its also about all the staff, teens and volunteers.. but without you, none of us would be here. so, thank you maj.
ps. have i mentioned how proud i am to be a part of LEAD? if it isn't obvious, i am. i am very proud of being a part of this organization. proud and honoured.
Posted by brooke at 09:07 PM
| comments (0)
lastly.
i should put together one of those lists of 100 things about me. i have one from a long time ago. i think a lot about my quirks. and sometimes during hon i get that question asked -- whats something no one else knows.
here are some.
i prefer my coffee cold. cold and sweet.
natalie goldberg is my favourite author.
i put the u in words like favourite in hopes that i'll move to canada some day.
i have incredibly cold toes. a lot.
but i love my chacos.
i don't know a darn thing about how to put make up on. i'm not exactly a girly girl.
but i am a clothes horde.
Posted by brooke at 12:33 AM
| comments (0)
i just don't know if i'll get it all done. agh.
i think about what all i need to get done in the next 3 months and i simply can't believe i'll accomplish it all. i actually doubt i will. really and truly.
you should see my big list. its divided: LEAD. Later LEAD. Even later LEAD. HEART OF NOW. USU. (3 things listed under usu: READ. READ. READ some more.) PERSONAL (one statement is: move).
yeah. i'm glad i have this whole weekend coming up all to myself. i gotta get ahead in stats because of heart of now. i mean, really. no plans. i have plans on thursday and friday night, but not the weekend. though that'll probably change some, i hope.
anyhow. i really should't start look at USU stuff at midnight. i get all excited and stuff by it all. really. i need to plan my days better. i mean, a lot better. i'd like to get my kitchen clean. and my clothes. and a cup of juice made every night. and cooking, not just eating whatever i can slap together in 30 seconds on the fly.
blech.
though i imagine this is what life will be like for the next 4 years. and after that, when i adopt my kid and have a career with said ph.d. damnit, how do we do it?!? i'm finally starting to understand all that.
okay. gotta go relax so i can go to bed.
Posted by brooke at 12:03 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 10 April 06
tired
i'm absolutely exhausted, again. my problem is is that i stay up waaay to late and get up too early. last night it was my intention to be a lazy bum in bed and go to sleep early, around 11 or so.. but at 11 i started checking out costs for the move and then i realized how expensive it was going to be, and also honouring my own feelings about switching from pc to mac (i'm really a pc person) i started looking at different brands of pcs.. and and and. so i ended up falling asleep closer to 2 rather than 11. and i had to get up at 7.30. *sigh* this is a common occurance in my home. so, i must do something to deal with this, and simply say no when i get these crazy urges late at night. though i will admit, i did find out quite a bit about how expensive this move is going to be. if it weren't for my mattress and my beloved papasan i'd be able to do the move a lot cheaper.. but since i've got those things, *sigh*.. its just going to be expensive, and i simply don't know what i can afford and what i can't. i also found out what is out on the pc market, and i'm currently debating between a dell and a sony vaio (btw, i've got family help to buy this laptop -- thats how i can afford it). i love dell, but i have a friend who's had crappy luck with them, and those vaios are awfully pretty, and it has everything the mac has except for the mac processor. so, we'll see. i don't have to make the decision right now.. in a few days. i'll call my dad and get his thoughts on vaios.
i've also discovered that my body really does hate sugar. the short time i went off it it loved it.. and now that i'm back on it i'm hating it.. so, really, i think its better if i stay off it. and i realized my body also loves emergen'c. i need to be taking at least one packet a day. before i quit i rarely got sick, and now i find myself getting sick all the time.
and i realized i've got a lot on my plate right now. LEAD, class, this move, my friends, my family, this move, my cats, finding new homes for 2 of them, hon, the inevitable heart break of leaving 2 of my cats here and all my friends here, reading for usu, this move. its a lot. while i'm not going to drop any of it, because this is what life is going to be like in logan, i need to find strategies to deal with it all. one more thing to add to the list.
and on that note, i'm going to the office. i've got about 50 minutes to enjoy it all to myself.
Posted by brooke at 09:59 AM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 9 April 06
lucky girl
i am a lucky girl. yes. i am. i remember at one point in my life i just took advantage of those who loved me, but now.. i will never be that person again. no, i won't. the support i am getting from my family of birth, from those who love me here in eugene.. its simply amazing. emotionally and financially. yes, i am a lucky girl and i will never ever stop counting my blessings, and being grateful for each and every one of them. *contented sigh*
---
i was talking to someone the other day about my life and how i got to where i am, and she made some remark about it.. wondering how she could get what i have. and i looked at her and told her briefly of the hell i've been through to get where i am today. when i told her she said -- you should tell the teens about your story. i'm not sure if its a good idea, but i do know i have a story to tell. the time seems right to start writing it, and i think i will. maybe i'll put it here when i finish. i don't know how long it'll take me to finish, because it feels like a long story. hopefully it'll be shorter than i think it is.
Posted by brooke at 01:47 PM
| comments (0)
Saturday, 8 April 06
blah bla bla bla blaaaaaah
i would like to take this to grad school with me. i think it would make my success in a ph.d. program much more likely, than if i take this dell. and i could donate my dell to LEAD. and that would make them much more successful. in other words, happiness all around. only problem? i really don't have that much money to spend. :P
---
what do i hope to get done in the next 24 hours?
- laundry. LOTS OF IT. for the clothing trade that will happen on the 15th. hopefully i won't take anything, i'll just give lots of stuff away.
- stats homework. i have to do this. there is no choice. i'll do it while doing laundry tommorrow.
installation of educommons on rivervision. its been awhile since i've geeked out this much, so i'm not sure how easy this will be. and i don't have a linux book handy, but i do have an apache book right here. an old one, but one nonetheless. i'm going to work on this tonight. ack. i just realized i'm 2 chapters behind in reading for statistics! i have to do the homework tonight, and read the 2 chapters tommorrow! hopefully i'll get to start seeing about installing educommons tommorrow as well. but, i'd like to rest too. i'm exhausted, but..
... well, i'm thinking about what is happening some place, and for some reason i'm having feelings about it. i was going to write a post about it all tonight, but i'd rather wait till the night is over, and hopefully write something very reflective about it tommorrow. tonight i'm just going to relax and acknowledge i'm having feelings and attempt to really geek out instead.
- gotta call teens.
that said. i'd better get on it.
Posted by brooke at 07:31 PM
| comments (0)
nicer than oregonians
i think i may have found a species of americans nicer than people who live in or who are from oregon..... ..... people who live in or are from utah. really. these people are exceptionally nice. total strangers are offering to help. i'm blown away.
on that note.. i'm tired, and have to be up and about too early. but at least i get to be up and about too early so i can go play with the teens. goddess, i really do love those little buggers. okay, they aren't THAT little. most all of them are taller than me.
Posted by brooke at 08:32 AM
| comments (0)
Friday, 7 April 06
tired. reallly blasted tired.
out laughing with friends till 12.45 last night. that was too late. now i'm exhausted. looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong day today.
why oh why do i set up meetings for 4.30 on a FRIDAY afternoon?!?!? goddess. that was just dumb.
what's for breakfast? coffee and a soon to be had biscotti. yeah. i'm super healthy, ain't i?. maybe i'll throw in an apple too.
Posted by brooke at 09:11 AM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 5 April 06
permaculture and ocw
yep. i'm already reading about where i'll be working in the fall -- all of this opencourseware stuff.. and i do have questions about it.. the whole idea of creating the physical infrastructure needed for all these computers to connect us all. with all the peak oil discussions around my home, and how all these physical infrastructures are created with things that need oil - right? how does all this computing infrastruture fit into that? maybe i'm paranoid, and to be honest, i don't know anything about peak oil, because it is so scary that my head is in the sand.... .... but? i don't know.
and then i wonder, okay, the permaculture people. tell me about permaculture and this whole computing thing. i should talk to rv out at lvec about that. rv is totally down with the permaculture thing. could the permaculture movement benefit from the work happening in the open courseware movement?
seriously though. my mind is in the sand about a lot of things, because they are simply too scary for me to think about. i know that we have to change how we do things. i know that the western model of living is not sustainable for mother earth. i know that the way i live my life is not sustainable to the mother.. and i wonder, i wonder what the ocw folks think about all that. i wonder what their reaction is to peak oil. i wonder. i wonder how all this lovely technology that i love so much fits into the need to save mother earth.
seriously. i love this technology stuff. and i realized the other day that i get to go study with folks who are as interested in using the internet as a tool for connecting and communicating as i am.. in fact, maybe more so. they aren't just geeks getting a high about seeing how geeked out they can be, they are social scientists getting a high on how connected we can be. a little geekly, and a little social. thats like me.
so, that said, hopefully some of these preeminient thinkers have thought about this stuff. luckily for me, i get to work with one of those fellows and a whole lab of folks who are studying this.. so i get to actually ask these folks these questions. and, before i leave home, i can go ask some folks in the permaculture movement the same thing. i can't wait for the answers. hmm.. i hope rv will be out at lvec in a couple of weeks!
---
that said. i should go to bed. walking with a friend at 8.30. meeting with the boss at 11am (! ack! do i remember what we're going to talk about?!?). work all day. drinks with a friend at 5.30. xena night at 7. agh. and i still have to do problems for stats, read chapter 2, and then all this other reading and stuff i've been doing. and and and. goddess. yeah. i guess you could say i'm still excited about the usu thing.. but in a couple of weeks i'll go out to the course and stuff will come up and all that good stuff will happen........... ...... ....
Posted by brooke at 11:19 PM
| comments (0)
still blown away
i am still blown away by the events of the last week. i mean, really. over the last few years i have been to hell and back. really. i don't need to go into it anymore, because it is in my past. now i live in 'up until now' land. now i do my best to live in the present. now, now i breathe and realize that all this hippy-dippy-touchy-feely crap about living your vision can actually come true. that all this stuff about setting intention and moving forward.. letting each moment come and bring what it will, its actually a very real way to live life.
*sigh*
the only thing i'm missing in this moment is a boyfriend. i started an email to a friend last night, and i told him i had everything i've always dreamed of. that i'm going to have everything i've dreamed of. that this time i'm going to climb that mountain and get the thing i think i'm most afraid of. i'm going to take the chance and maybe fail, but i'm going to take the chance.
the other day i saw my boss crying over an email. when i noticed she was smiling i inquired what was up. i was told that she couldn't believe that good things were happening for our organization. she's put so much of herself on the line, she's been rejected, she's had to fight tooth and nail for everything.. and the other day, what was contained in this email was someone simply stating that they were going to help us at the highest levels of the city. all she had worked so hard for had come true. now she was finally getting her due. now the dream was happening.
at the time i didn't understand the tears. my reaction was -- great, okay, you are late for a meeting with me. and, btw, you deserve it, so just get over it. it was a pretty crass reaction, i understand that.. i understand it even more now.
last night as i read this email from this professor i cried similar tears that i saw my boss crying the other day. they were a mix of sadness and joy. i'd never felt tears like that before.
i have worked so hard to get this. i've worked so hard on so much. i've worked so hard to heal, create community, rehab myself. i've worked and worked and worked.. and i know this email is just an invitation to work harder, but its an invitation that is full of belief in my potential. i know, lots of ph.d. students who end up failing get emails like the one i got.. but what this email means is that i get to start out not prooving myself, but instead i get to start out and just do what i know i get to do. the hard work is paying off. the hard work is paying off. and its a nice high.
i've still not studied, but thats okay. i don't have any social dates tonight nor do i have anything going on on sunday. i'll study this weekend. welcome back to studenthood me.
Posted by brooke at 12:06 PM
| comments (0)
good things.
a good thing.
i get to work here in the fall. an actual assistantship (tuition wavier +small stipend). this guy is the director. i met him, he's a nice guy.
yes. good things.
---
a bad thing? i ment to study stats last night, but instead i started cleaning stuff out for the move. and tonight? i had group, and then an event till 9, and then connecting with a friend till 10.15, and then i got so excited about the good thing that i ended up emailing friends, family, and professors that wrote letters of recommendation for me that it didn't happen. tommorrow night, i swear.
Posted by brooke at 12:19 AM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 4 April 06
on hold. blech.
there's a non-profit organization (a) that i have to deal with because i work with a non-profit organization (b). i really don't like working with a, because everything i do with them is such a pain in the ass. i can't simply order software, i have to order a particular amount.. and when i think i've got that amount ordered, i don't.. so then i have to call them...
.. and its calling them that its the major pain in the ass. i've been waiting now for 23 minutes on hold. i've been known to wait for 40 - 60 minutes on hold. *sigh* i must say, i'm terribly glad i have a speaker phone here.. or else i'd go totally nuts.
i also must say, i can't wait to enter the world of academia.. because hopefully it won't be *i* who has to wait on the hold with these people for this time... or maybe i won't have to wait on hold at all, because there will be enough money in the budget just to go down to the store and buy what we need at the greatly inflated prices there. or maybe i won't have to wait online because all i'll be using is open source software, where i only need to wait for the damn download (great alliteration, don't you think?) to finish, rather than people to get off the darn phone.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 01:33 PM
| comments (0)
gone.
2.5 years ago i was fortunate enough to spend 45 minutes talking to my congressman in his office in washington dc. we were there to talk about the u.s.a. p.a.t.r.i.o.t act and how bad it is. we were there to talk about how to get bills against the upa through congress. one thing we were told that nothing was going to get through congress that tom delay didn't want. we were told that somehow we, in oregon, had to threaten the reelection of mr. delay in texas.
well. we no longer have to threaten his re-election. due to circumstances he brought on himself, tom delay is leaving congress. yeah.
maybe this is a sign of things to come. maybe this is a sign of a gradually turning tide in congress? and if not, hopefully there won't be someone to step up into tom delay's shoes to wield the kind of power he wields. i know, i know, politicians are the power grabbing types.. but a girl can hope, can't she?
Posted by brooke at 09:07 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 3 April 06
petrefied
in this moment i'm absolutely petrefied of a ph.d. program. i figure by the time you get there you are supposed to have so much stuff figured out. you are supposed to know a lot. your are supposed to perform at the highest levels at all times.
*sigh*
i'm not sure if i'll be able to do this. i'm not sure if i'll be able to write like i need to write. i'm not sure if my brain will accept working at its highest levels 12 hours a day.. without popping off at some point.
i hope i can do it. i really do.
--
that said.
i spent my first hour back in class today. i'm taking a stats class. its an undergraduate class. easy. i hope. i'm excited about the concepts and thinking about how i'll apply those concepts to my own work.. but i'm nervous about being back in class.
BUT i figure this is a good re-entry back to class. an undergraduate class that i'm taking pass / fail at a university 15 hours and 650 miles away from the university where everything matters. thats a good thing.
AND i feel so old. i'm older than the instructor. FUCK. how did that happen??!?? i used to be the young one. and now everything has switched. damnit.
but there's something to be said about my old age and wisdom. i see myself as this instructor's equal, and she only has knowledge that i don't have right now. its a nice way to view a teacher type.. different than the old dynamic of being intimidated by a professor because they are older than me. so, while it sucks that i feel so gosh darn old (at 33! goddess, just SHUT UP me), its great that i've entered a new paradigm towards approaching schooling.
---
all that said.. maybe i am ready for this ph.d. thing? maybe if i'm honest with my professors that i'm doing the best i can, and if i can believe that my best is what they expect from me than i can pull this off.
i really do hope so. i really do hope i can pull this off. that all these people who believe in me are right. i hope so. i hope i can learn to believe in myself.
--
on a completey different topic. tommorrow should be interesting. i'm seeing someone who.. who.. its too much drama to explain. but what i know is that the decision i made 2 weeks ago feels good. the distance the 2 weeks has created has only solidified the decision i made then.
---
anyhow.
okay. time to go study stats.
Posted by brooke at 09:49 PM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 2 April 06
hard
today was hard. i was really nervous before the forum and paced a lot. i was nervous about many things, including bringing 2 of my 3 worlds together -- heart of now and the peace community.
but everything went well, it could have been better, but for the most part it went well. i have feelings about how a few things went, but for the most part, i was excited to see my vision of today come to fruition. and i was incredibly grateful that g was co-facilitating.
afterwards g and i talked about a variety of things, including our friendship. i told him what i wished for in our friendship but that i've come to accept the place he holds in my life. i told him that i know that when we do connect the connection is genuine and caring.
at the end of our time together i asked him again about hanging out. i ask him of this on a regular basis. he's a busy guy who is planning a wedding. i got that, but i took a risk. i also took a risk and told him that maybe we could just get together and cuddle? i'm craving that space he holds for me so well. luckily he seemed receptive. so, he said to give him a call next week -- after this weekend -- which i will.
this living with my heart so open is hard. and its terribly hard to close it off. it takes so much energy. and it hurts. it brings me great joy, but it also hurts a lot. i thought i was sensitive before, and now i find myself even more sensitive. its a lot of work.
Posted by brooke at 08:28 PM
| comments (0)
Saturday, 1 April 06
on being an ally tommorrow
i'm co-facilitating a forum tommorrow on sexism in the progressive community. we're doing it because i got sick and tired of talking about sexist men and our community -- on the phone, at people's houses.. i figured -- i'm an activist, its time to take action. my fellow justice not war coalition members are being terribly supportive, for which i'm grateful, and my sweet friend g -- who is a heart of now facilitator and a man who has his stuff together around sexism -- is facilitating it with me being his co-pilot. tonight i'm putting together resources for it. here's the important one..
Being an ally means standing in between the oppressor and the oppressed and saying, "Don't run it at them, run it at me." This means on a personal and systematic level.
An ally is someone who:- Addresses issue, not just incident;
- Mobilizes and organizes to respond to issue without prompting from target group member;
- Is willing to take risks that may affect one's place, position/and authority within their dominant group;
- Is visible, active, vigilant, and public (even when the target person is not in the room);
- Is willing to recognize the inherent privilege and power of being a member of the dominant group;
- Views membership in the dominant group as an opportunity to bring about change;
- Is proactive more often than reactive. Is always intentional, overt, vocal, consistent, and public about being an ally ; there is no such thing as a passive/silent ally
What members of targeted groups should be able to expect from allies:
- Respect, support, recognition;
- That they use their power to promote social justice;
- That they will "do their own work" (reflect on personal prejudices, learn more about issues of target group, for example);
- That they will make mistakes and learn from them;
- That they will believe what people of targeted groups are saying about their experiences without searching for "perfectly logical explanations" and signs of "oversensitivity" on our part;
- That they will allow the focus of the discussion to remain on the issue at hand without looking for ways to connect it / compare it / contrast it to other forms of oppression (even when connections may exist);
- That they resist the temptation to "rank oppressions" and do not allow others (including target group members) to do so.