yeah, i'm still around. i'm thinking a lot about my move to utah and leaving everyone here. its difficult to wrap my head around, because its not necessarily something i want to wrap my head around. i'm having to also find a home for at least one of my four cats which is completly and utterly heart breaking. i'll probably take her -- lily - to greenhill humane society. i have to make the call tommmorrow :(. seriously :( :( :( but simply cannot take 4 cats, and i probably shouldn't take 3, but its simply too hard to part with any of them. so, i'm not posting because i have to do some incredibly sad things over the next 2 months.
BUT. i found out yesterday that i get to go on the 5 day river trip with the tuesday group. group leader simply made my day by telling me i could go. i didn't think i was going to be able to go because of the number of teens who want to go.. but thats changed and i'm thrilled to be able to do this trip. i've spent numerous days on the river, but i've not ever been on a multiday trip - there isn't a lot of that to do in the south east. not only will i get to spend 5 days with my most favourite people in the world these days (LEAD), but i'll get to do it in the high desert. so, while i've got some absolutely heart breaking things i've got to deal with, i've also got some terribly exciting things to do as well.
i also got a road bike. group leader (and friend) called me monday afternoon to let me know that there was a small roadbike at st. vinnies for $20, so i went and checked it out and it fit me perfectly. so now i have a road bike that will allow me to take longer rides, which i'm jazzed about as well. i don't know when i'll get a chance to take it out -- maybe this weekend -- but i'll find some time, and after i get to logan i'll have time as well.
also i hope to get in my boat sometime soon. i'm thinking i may take a few hours on friday to put my boat on top of my car, stick the bike in (it folds up) and go paddle on the willamette. its not a thrill a minute whitewater, but its whitewater nonetheless and i can do a bike shuttle and go out by myself. i may also take a friend to dexter on sunday and show him a bit about boating, which will be good for both of us i suspect.
on that note, i should get ready to go to LEAD, class and the white privilage workshop tonight. its a long day, but not too long, afterall i am posting this at 10am.
i'm up late tonight reading and surfing. one of these days, soon, hopefully i'll get around to writing about how i'm changing and how those changes seem to be in conflict with my friends and their judgements about people who are different than them. its very odd and a bit disconcerting.. not only the judgements, but for me to feel like i'm at conflict with the people who's beliefs are mine. yes, its very disconcerting.
on that note, i'm getting tired, time for sleep for me.
we've got our huge event tommorrow with LEAD. its bigger than we had planned on, and our two event organizers (and fundraising DIVAS!) have done such a great job at putting all the pieces in place for it. i work with these two women on a daily basis at LEAD and these past few days i've been in awe.
today as i was getting ready to leave i realized how much they had to left to do for the event. too much. so i offered to help. it wasn't a difficult decision to make, and even as i was at group feeling like crud i knew i'd made the right choice to help.
the moral of my story: its great being a part of a team that works. it makes helping easy, because i know when i need it help is there for me too.
some kind of illness wherein i feel like crap, i cough, and everytime i cough my head hurts. i've been feelin' icky since friday, and no end in sight :P full day tommmorrow. full day tuesday, full day wednesday. ooooh goody. :P
hopefully a prolific post to come soon. oh yeah, and i'll post a link to the new LEAD site when it goes live. its freakin' beautiful -- thanks to hc.
congrats to bill fleenor on his success in the campaign. and a further congratulations to issac rochester -- his campaign manager. way to go the 2 of you. the wicked witch is dead (or at least defeated)
one of the first things i hear this morning "USA Today reports NSA building massive phone records database" as i turned on the tv for my regular early morning dosage brainless tv news -- you know, all that talking about how i MUST be skinny in order to be loved, and acting like its news that the government has been spying on us for a long time.
seriously y'all, this is really NEWS? haven't the activists been telling you this for a number of years?? *sigh* apparently you simply didn't listen. idiots. *sigh*
and for those of you who know me personally and have heard me make the same kind of idiotic statements about peak oil? i'm not an idiot. i know the activists are right. i'm just in denial. there IS a difference, really.
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i'm in kind of a grumpy mood this morning because i only got 6 hours of sleep last night and so i've decided to hide out in the conference room this morning.. but my co-worker just came in and said hi in a very goofy way. that was an incredibly endearing way to start the work day. thanks s.
we start nearly every meeting at LEAD with news and goods. news and goods is anything that is new and good, old and bad or any combination thereof that is going on in your life as quoted from s.
so what is new and good in my life?
i helped a teen yesterday deal with some stuff. that was really sweet. and it was really sweet to see them ask for support from other teens at the end of group yesterday. i never thought that counseling a teenager would be a part of the work i do, and i never would have thought that i could do it, and that it would recharge me.
i'm going to be on the water for the first time in a long time on saturday. its our group outdoor trip for the month, and its a rafting trip down the mckenzie. i'm looking forward to it.. not only to spending the time with the teens and folks from work, but also it may just spur me into getting back on the water in a kayak. its been a long time.
i'm going to learn some re-evaluation counseling theory. i've been wanting to get involved with the co-counseling community for awhile, but there aren't classes being offered, so i asked a new friend to teach me some theory, and he said yes. i'm quite jazzed about that. i'm excited to learn more counseling skills because i've found i really enjoy helping people that way (and what i learn about helping others i apply to myself). hopefully i'll be able to learn enough so i don't have to track down a fundamentals class so i can jump into the community in logan (if there is one).
its been terribly warm outside and so i've been biking nearly everywhere i go except when i pick up teens. it feels good on my body and i hope to find the time to start biking longer distances. i really do love being on my bike.
i've been working on the new website. its taken a long time and i can't wait till i'm done. i have other things i want to work on for nuestro lugar. i want to leave something for people when i leave besides the website and the stuff i want to work on is that very thing. plus i can't wait for us to get a new website, the current one can be improved on, a lot. and its happening.
a HoN friend to ask me to be a part of a group to support her with some things. this friend has imparted wisdom to me that i am extremely appreciative of, and so i'm touched that she thought of me. i've decided to skip other things tommorrow night so i can be a part of it.
i'm spending a lot of time being introspective about myself and how i move about in the world and my own inner world. it's amazing how much i'm learning and seeing. i'm moving beyond my chronic illness and that is a nice thing.
lastly. election night is next tuesday. as always i appreciate the work done by the campaign staffers. i know how hard the work is (you don't see me doing it this season, do you?) and how little thanks most campaign staffers get for it. i hope everything turns out well for the candidates i'm supporting. i plan to stop by both the lane co. fairgrounds and a party for a candidate who's private reception i was invited too next tuesday night (again, touched that i was invited to this reception).
i simply cannot decide about whether to go out to the course this weekend. *sigh* time feels too compressed. there's too much lead stuff to do. there's too much.. too much.. too much.. and simply not enough time. *sigh*
i read 'the legacy of luna' yesterday. its julia butterfly hill's story of her nearly 2 year sit up in the redwood 'luna'.. its a good book, easy quick read.
"We must do the right thing, regardless of the outcome." ~Julia Butterfly Hill.
"Yes, one of us can make a difference. Each one of us does." ~JBH
i'm working on digging deep to find something i've never seemed to be able to find in the past. that thing that -- when faced with an enormous amount of pressure to get more things than i could ever imagine possibly done -- gets me through those moments of feeling overwhelmed -- and getting through those moments with grace. a kind of extraordinary grace that gets you through without leaving people in your wake, the kind of extraordinary grace that leaves my head turned when i see it in other people.
i keep saying that i've not wanted to deal with the kind of pressure i'm dealing with right now before i head to utah. i've been wanting to relax and just be here, but i keep reminding me that its better to find this extraordinary grace in the face of huge pressure here -- with people who love and support me, even in those moments of my head popping off and melting. in utah i won't have these people.
i keep looking at today and just wanting to go hide and say be done with it all, and i kinda have -- i'm not in my office and i've avoided the teens ( i don't want to accidentally snap at them in my overly sensitive mood) -- but in otehr ways i've not. i'm here, i'm about to start working again. i still need to talk to someone about tommorrow, but i'm not up for that.. i'm not up for admitting my failures, i'm not up for admitting that i cannot simply do everything thats asked of me, everything that i want to do. i simply can't roll with punches right now.
and my fears? my fears are that the punches in utah are going to hit a lot harder than these punches. that each task is going to be overhwelming and i won't have the option of saying no.
but i'll move through this. and i'll see what lessons lie for me on the other side. i hope its the one i've been looking for for awhile. if not, hopefully i'll learn it soon.
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on another note, i've reached out to someone twice so far about talking about important things. this person even told other people that we need to talk, but so far i've not heard word from this person. it makes me quite angry, honestly, because he's just willing to let it sit there. he can't seem to understand that my time here is limited, that i'd rather us be able to be in the same room together rather than the way things are now. but he seems to be unwilliing, and thats a shame because we share someone who is terribly dear to the other. if i have my way we'll be in each others life for the rest of our lives, because of this other person. but as long as they aren't willing to do their part, a reconnection won't happen.. i simply cannot pretend that nothing has happened, that my feelings haven't been deeply hurt, anymore. i was unwilling at the last heart of now course, and i'm unwilling as we've moved out into our lives. maybe i'm just cold hearted, i'd rather think i'm just sick of the uncleanliness between us.
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*sigh*
i want my joy back. hopefully with some digging, with some getting through all thsi crap i gotta get through, maybe even a triad, i can. i hope so. i want to laugh in the face of hardship, i want to laugh outloud in the face off too much to do. yes, that is my intention, my intention is to learn to laugh when things get hard. that feels a lot better than to cry.
i'm listening to an album i've not heard in a long time. a very long time. it feels like running into an old, yet beloved, friend who i've not seen in a long time. now that i've run into this album again i plan to get together with it more often. amazing how much my life has changed since i first heard these songs. yeah. like an old beloved frienship, we all change. the music changes, even though it appears to be constant -- to my ears it has changed. its nice.
i'm working on the new lead website tonight.. i'm looking at the transcription of a conversation maj and i had. i found this quote about the effect of LEAD on the teens:
The teens come into LEAD and they see a world where they’re not just trying to stay out of trouble; where they actually have brilliance. A world where they don’t just matter, but where they are the world changers.
there is a huge walk out today, across the country, of the immigrant community. yes, i support the walk out, the rallies. yes, i am thrilled that people are rising up and taking the power they so deserve. yes, i am thrilled to see a large group of people saying enough is enough. yes, i am thrilled, so thrilled. yeah!
go ahead and disagree with me. i don't care. what i know is that i am on the side of what is right and just. i know that i don't espouse hate. the racism, classism, and just overall hateful attitude of so many people in this country is simply disgusting. but beyond disgusting its sorrowful. what a sad life to live in such hate. what a sad life to live with a mind closed. yes, its a very sad life to live.
about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.
