« hard |
home
| gone. »
Monday, 3 April 06 ::
petrefied
in this moment i'm absolutely petrefied of a ph.d. program. i figure by the time you get there you are supposed to have so much stuff figured out. you are supposed to know a lot. your are supposed to perform at the highest levels at all times.
*sigh*
i'm not sure if i'll be able to do this. i'm not sure if i'll be able to write like i need to write. i'm not sure if my brain will accept working at its highest levels 12 hours a day.. without popping off at some point.
i hope i can do it. i really do.
--
that said.
i spent my first hour back in class today. i'm taking a stats class. its an undergraduate class. easy. i hope. i'm excited about the concepts and thinking about how i'll apply those concepts to my own work.. but i'm nervous about being back in class.
BUT i figure this is a good re-entry back to class. an undergraduate class that i'm taking pass / fail at a university 15 hours and 650 miles away from the university where everything matters. thats a good thing.
AND i feel so old. i'm older than the instructor. FUCK. how did that happen??!?? i used to be the young one. and now everything has switched. damnit.
but there's something to be said about my old age and wisdom. i see myself as this instructor's equal, and she only has knowledge that i don't have right now. its a nice way to view a teacher type.. different than the old dynamic of being intimidated by a professor because they are older than me. so, while it sucks that i feel so gosh darn old (at 33! goddess, just SHUT UP me), its great that i've entered a new paradigm towards approaching schooling.
---
all that said.. maybe i am ready for this ph.d. thing? maybe if i'm honest with my professors that i'm doing the best i can, and if i can believe that my best is what they expect from me than i can pull this off.
i really do hope so. i really do hope i can pull this off. that all these people who believe in me are right. i hope so. i hope i can learn to believe in myself.
--
on a completey different topic. tommorrow should be interesting. i'm seeing someone who.. who.. its too much drama to explain. but what i know is that the decision i made 2 weeks ago feels good. the distance the 2 weeks has created has only solidified the decision i made then.
---
anyhow.
okay. time to go study stats.
posted by brooke at April 3, 2006 09:49 PM
