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Wednesday, 5 April 06 ::
still blown away
i am still blown away by the events of the last week. i mean, really. over the last few years i have been to hell and back. really. i don't need to go into it anymore, because it is in my past. now i live in 'up until now' land. now i do my best to live in the present. now, now i breathe and realize that all this hippy-dippy-touchy-feely crap about living your vision can actually come true. that all this stuff about setting intention and moving forward.. letting each moment come and bring what it will, its actually a very real way to live life.
*sigh*
the only thing i'm missing in this moment is a boyfriend. i started an email to a friend last night, and i told him i had everything i've always dreamed of. that i'm going to have everything i've dreamed of. that this time i'm going to climb that mountain and get the thing i think i'm most afraid of. i'm going to take the chance and maybe fail, but i'm going to take the chance.
the other day i saw my boss crying over an email. when i noticed she was smiling i inquired what was up. i was told that she couldn't believe that good things were happening for our organization. she's put so much of herself on the line, she's been rejected, she's had to fight tooth and nail for everything.. and the other day, what was contained in this email was someone simply stating that they were going to help us at the highest levels of the city. all she had worked so hard for had come true. now she was finally getting her due. now the dream was happening.
at the time i didn't understand the tears. my reaction was -- great, okay, you are late for a meeting with me. and, btw, you deserve it, so just get over it. it was a pretty crass reaction, i understand that.. i understand it even more now.
last night as i read this email from this professor i cried similar tears that i saw my boss crying the other day. they were a mix of sadness and joy. i'd never felt tears like that before.
i have worked so hard to get this. i've worked so hard on so much. i've worked so hard to heal, create community, rehab myself. i've worked and worked and worked.. and i know this email is just an invitation to work harder, but its an invitation that is full of belief in my potential. i know, lots of ph.d. students who end up failing get emails like the one i got.. but what this email means is that i get to start out not prooving myself, but instead i get to start out and just do what i know i get to do. the hard work is paying off. the hard work is paying off. and its a nice high.
i've still not studied, but thats okay. i don't have any social dates tonight nor do i have anything going on on sunday. i'll study this weekend. welcome back to studenthood me.
posted by brooke at April 5, 2006 12:06 PM
