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Friday, 14 April 06 ::
*breathe*
yep. its all about the breath this morning. now that i'm in the office i'm feeling better than i was earlier.
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my mind is all a spin about this whole going to utah state thing. of course it is. i go back and forth and forth and back. part of me wishes i could go ahead and get the good-byes over with and get there. part of me wish i would never have to say good-bye. part of me wishes that i could hold on to all these people forever and ever and ever. but all of me knows thats not realistic. all of me knows that what waits for me at utah state are things that i cannot turn down the opportunity to take advantage of.
*sigh*
but all of that doesn't deny the sadness i feel about leaving. my fears of loosing connection. my fears that they'll all forget me and move on without me. yes, that is my greatest fear. that while i'm in logan that i'll loose my place here. and i know its unrealistsic for them to hold my place here, for them to hold it without it being occupied. it has to be. i know i can have part of my vision of having both logan and oregon in my hands, but i know i can't have it all. no matter how much i want too. its unrealistic to ask of people here. and its unrealistic to ask of the people there.
*sigh*
apparently university of washington still doesn't know i'm not coming. i got my financial aid award letter from them. it was all loans :P blech. but thats okay, because i don't need their loans. and i wish they had grants for graduate students, because now i'm poor and can get grants.. as an undergraduate it was my folks..
*sigh*
but i'm just babbling this morning. nothing too interesting in this post other than me just talking. but i'm finding that typing it all out is helpful. typing out my feelings about all that lies ahead of me.. all these high-class problems. yes. i remind myself, i've got high class problems. i'm a lucky person to have such high-class problems. yes. in the midst of my sadness about leaving all these people here, i need to remind myself to count my high-class blessings. i don't know if it changes the level of heart break, but it puts in perspective. high-class heartbreak. i'm a lucky girl. i know lots of people who aren't so lucky. yes, i'm a lucky girl to have such high-class blessings and heart break. a very lucky girl.
posted by brooke at April 14, 2006 11:03 AM
