« *sigh* |
home
| i've noticed a few things about myself. »
Sunday, 16 April 06 ::
i'm up late.
i'm up late. i love being up late. i'm a night person. i mean, really a night person. and since my life has gotten a bit nuts these days i'm up later, because really, it isn't until about 10pm that i can start to think really straight. yeah. weird. i know. i'm somehow going to see about working this out when i get to usu. see if i can arrange my schedule there later rather than earlier. cause i'm a night person, not a morning person.
anyhow, so tonight i've given myself permission to stay up late. 3 is my attempted time for sleep. i hope it happens, cause i gotta meet friend c at 10.30 and then do laundry, figure out why my stats calculations that i did by hand didn't come out the same as running the same set of variables in spss, and do my evaluation. a lot to do for a day i'm not going to get much sleep for. oh well.
anyhow, tonight was night of working on getting to logan. yeah yeah yeah.. i know, y'all are tired of hearing about logan. got it. well, i'm not tired of talking about, so go have your feelings elsewhere about it. :)
yeah. so looking at rental stuff. and realizing that life would be a lot easier without cats. life would be a lot easier and cheaper. *sigh* but then i was cuddling with one of them and i was thinking about not having any of them as i trek down this road to hopefully becoming me, ph.d. and i knew i couldn't give them up. no, i need to have cat-buggers in logan with me. and if i just take a deep breath and believe that it'll all work out, it will.
*sigh* i hope so. the reality of what i'm about to go do is slowly setting in. the financial realities, the work realities, the loneliness realities, all of them. yeah yeah, i know, i have an assistantship, but.. goddess, at this point i don't know what the stipend will be. yeah. i have money scarcity issues. i have friends with time scarcity issues, mine.. mine are money. but hopefully i'll just breathe and it'll all work out. i hope so. *sigh*
i really can't wait to get there. i mean, part of me can't. realistically i have a lot of heartbreak to go through, but i'm looking forward to the day that i walk into the ed building for the first time. when i walk (back) in there for the first time, as a student and new apartment renter in logan, will be the moment that i'm knowing i've taken the step. yeah. its at that moment that i know i've taken the steps to fly, only this time i'll be going it alone, no one strapped to my back to make sure the parachute opens.
i know, i know, i'm being all melodramatic and crap here, but i get to be that way. reflectively melodramatic. yeah, for someone who was raised around this stuff, for someone who never thought she'd go back to school ever.. for someone who went to hell and back and on certain pieces of paper and to some people looks like she should never ever accomplish anything, this is a big deal. yeah. i've come a long way since that day in september of 2001. and i'm not talking september 11th. i guess you could say i had my own september 11th that year, only it wasn't the 11th, it was the 27th, and i lived to tell about it. i don't know if i wasn't supposed too, but at the time - and for a long time afterwards - it certainly didn't feel like i was supposed to be sitting here at 2.30am, writing about not only getting to go work on getting a ph.d. BUT also having an assistantship at a place doing work that totally fits into my moral and political values. no, on september 27th and for a long time afterwards i wasn't supposed to get what i'm getting. and so because of that i'm going to be melodramatic about it all. i'm going to melodramatic, i'm going to be amazed and giddy, excited, overwhelmed, heartbroken, stressed, and in a state of disbelief. because at the time i wasn't supposed to get what i'm getting today. no, i wasn't.
and on that note, i should do my usual reading and editing and maybe deleteing of this post. and then go to sleep. long day tommorrow. long week next week.
posted by brooke at April 16, 2006 02:12 AM
