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Thursday, 13 April 06 :: yehaww.

i guess it was those jelly beans i had for breakfast? or the conversation i had with dad? or getting to hear from the ever so sweet ms that he wants to spend time with me. i currently don't have any social plans for the weekend, so i was feeling sorry for myself, so i called ms.. and while he's not available this weekend, he does want to spend time with me. which is nice.

i was contemplating grad school pretty heavily last night. after that email from maj my mind just went into a spin about leaving. how can i leave? how am i going to survive in logan without all these people here? i mean, i have a hard enough time setting up social dates as it is and i have lots of people who love me.. and then to go to a place where i will only know people who i work with.. thats going to be rough. i'm going to be awfully lonely. really.

.. and thats when all this heart of now stuff comes in. i had this moment last night where i was thinking -- yeah, thats it. and to acknowledge that it will be lonely, and to acknowledge that lots of people find grad school incredibly lonely made it easier. it made waking up this morning with no social dates planned for the weekend easier to handle. this graduate school is going to be hard. and i'm not going to be the only one who feels that way. i'll be surrounded by people who find it difficult. i'll be surrounded by and working with people who will understand the situation i'm in. AND i'm lucky, that even though i don't have any social dates for the weekend, i do have a lot of people who love me.. and the vast majority of them won't stay in touch, because goddess knows i suck at keeping in touch as well, but i'll know they love me. i have a hell of a lot more people who love me now than i've ever had in my life. thats a good thing to say.

so, i'll just take each day as it comes. i'll surround myself with things from all these people here in oregon who love me, and do daily reminders of how much they've brought me and how much i've brought them.. and then i'll make calls. and occassionally i'll do the 12 hour drive home to oregon. i'll go out to lost valley, i'll see p, t, and g, and i'll see all these LEAD people. and i'll get a bigger reminder. and it'll all be good.

posted by brooke at April 13, 2006 10:31 AM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.