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Friday, 31 March 06
this and that
do you know how many brilliant blog posts i write... in my car? that never ever make it to this space? a lot. i mean, a lot a lot a lot. whenever i find myself driving across town or out to lost valley, or.. i write blog posts. sometimes they are rants, other times just very thoughtful posts about what is happening in my life. but, as you can tell, none of them make it here. i don't know why, but maybe one of these days i'll carry a little notebook and write down these thoughts i have in my car and then maybe actually record them here.
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one thought i'm having right now is that maybe i'm a semi-early adopter. i mean, i've been doing this blogging thing since election day of 2000. really. somewhere i can find my first post.. it was about the hopeful election of al gore, and mainly, the defeat of oregon's measure 9 in 2000. and my ipod is one without the click-wheel thingy. oh, yeah. and my first website was done in 1995. or 1996? early 1996 late 1995. somewhere i've got a print out of it. it was pretty bad.. but for back then it was actually pretty good.
what made me think about all this? reading this lecture at the open courseware project at utah state about social software. i've been around for a long time, i guess.. i remember when internet messaging came out.. in fact i remember spending time in 'talk' which was a part of a dummy terminal that we all used back then to do things like 'irc' and check our email with 'pine.' back then a dummy terminal was how we all accessed the wonderful world of the internet. muds were big, and as an elementary education major i tapped into text based eric databases and showed this strange thing called 'the internet' to my fellow elementary education student teachers.
12 years ago i never imagined that the internet would become what it has. i never would have imagined this thing becoming such a big part of all our lives. for me the attraction has been connecting with others.. a desperate need i've always had. i guess i'm not the only one. i guess i'm not the only one who's had the same need. billions upon billions of us reaching out through this medium..
*hmm* an interesting comment on how we humans really are. i mean, here in the states we're all so fucking independent, pretending we don't need each other.. i have a theory -- that i just pulled out of my rear-end -- that we are actually more dependent than we let on -- as evidenced by our attachment to this internet thing.
Posted by brooke at 06:09 PM
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home again
i went and felt like a kid in a candy store. *happy sigh*
i think i sounded like one too. *embarrassed sigh*
Posted by brooke at 01:38 AM
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Monday, 27 March 06
quick trip tommorrow
i'm headed on a very quick trip east tommorrow. not all the way east.. i'm headed to logan, utah for a visit to the program that i've been accepted too.
i'm in the last stages of my packing and i've realized i'm definetly in the right field. what is my field? something with a technology focus. how do i know i've chosen the right field? in thinking about last minute things to pack i'm less concerned about toiletries than i am about charge cords for the ipod, laptop and cell phone. i've also got extra batteries for the digital camera. only crappy thing is that i can't find the battery pack thingy for the ipod. little fucker's battery is gone and therefore won't hold the juice i need it to hold to listen to on the plane tommorrow. hopefully there will be something interesting on the radio. and the car i'm renting better have a charger thingy for cell phones, or else the ipod won't be of any help.
Posted by brooke at 11:52 PM
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Sunday, 26 March 06
recommended
check old pants pockets for money. you may just be able to pay back that $30.00 you borrowed from your emergency travel stash... with a bit of interest.
Posted by brooke at 10:16 PM
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Saturday, 25 March 06
yeah!
i got email addresses organized!
i got a good email from someone!
i made juice! (but, seriously, those carrots were bitter so i must go get some apples).
i got some things crossed off my to do list for tommorrow!
Posted by brooke at 11:16 PM
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honestly
i'm under a lot of stress these days. i'm feeling pressure to stay and pressure to go. frankly, no matter what happens, i'm in this alone. i won't be going or staying with anyone.
its not easy to make a living in this town i work in. but i have a lot of friends here. but its not easy to make a living. i love this place, but to stay here and eek by a living doesn't sound comfortable. but to go means i go and don't have a community. *sigh*
both decisions feel heart breaking.
what do i want? i want a partner, a kid, and a job i love. i know too many people who have that. why can't i?
Posted by brooke at 08:41 PM
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Friday, 24 March 06
!
holy shit! i'm registered for a class!
Posted by brooke at 08:23 AM
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Thursday, 23 March 06
working on feeling better
i'm still quite tired. but i slept all day yesterday. i mean, i really did. i've not slept this much in a long time. and i shivered. and i broke out into sweats. and i had to break my no sugar rule, because when i asked my stomach what it wanted it said 'fudge bars.' so i'm eating fudge bars. and taking acetomeniphin. and thank goddess i didn't have to go shopping yesterday because there's no way in hell i would have really been able to accomplish that. but my skin doesn't hurt today, only a bit of headache. and my stomach is still a bit weak, but i don't feel nearly as bad as i did yesterday at this time. thank goddess.
Posted by brooke at 09:31 AM
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Tuesday, 21 March 06
more reflection
this really is more for my ownself as i grieve the end of a friendship then anyone who may read this. and, to pat myself on the back, its some damn good reflection.
this is an excerpt from an email to a friend who knows both of us..
really m, the friendship hasn't felt good to me for a long time (you've heard a lot of it). yesterday as i was driving back into town and had decided to end the friendship i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a long time. but like i said, it doesn't change how i feel about her (that i love and care for her deeply).. i've just finally read the writing thats been on the wall for awhile now -- our patterns don't match, and they don't match in a way that makes a friendship incredibly difficult. i honestly don't feel like working this hard anymore on a friendship where the dividends feel more like a drug high then good nutrition.
Posted by brooke at 11:39 AM
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Monday, 20 March 06
i hate what just happened
yeah. i made a committment to a friendship. a deep committment. but it just hadn't been working for me for awhile now. i tried and tried. really, i did. and maybe she did too? i don't know. but it certainly didn't feel like it. it certainly didn't feel like the friendship was 2 way. but, i'd made a committment, and i cared for her deeply. i care for her deeply. but it wasn't healthy. and i will miss her in my life. hmm. well, she'll still be in my life, but not my social life anymore. i will miss the good moments. but i won't miss the moments of not acknowledgement. i won't miss the moments of hoping she could be there for me as well. i won't miss hoping she would notice me.
Posted by brooke at 04:27 PM
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hmm.
yeah. okay.
yeah.
goddess. i suck.
Posted by brooke at 03:17 PM
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yes, it was a good course
probablyh one of the best course i've ever been a part of. i mean, i laughed.... a lot a lot a lot! and i cried. a lot. a lot. and processed. and i got to support people i love. and people i love got to support me. i learned what friendships are really supposed to be like, and that one in particular has been really the antithesis of a friendship. i learned that i'm worthy of having good friends. i learned that i am a good friend. i learned.. a lot. a lot. and i laughed, a lot. i mean, a lot. the laughter started on thursday night and continued into saturday morning.. it took about a 24 hour break, but this morning we were all rolling in laughter. what a great way to start and end a course.
"at the height of laughter the universe is a kaliedescope of possibiliities." yes. yes it is.
Posted by brooke at 12:43 PM
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Sunday, 19 March 06
its been a good course
yes. it has been a good course. lots of laughter. a lot of laughter. and some good work. some that i did, and some that i facilitated someone else doing. yes. its a good course.
gotta go dance with my friends.
goddess i love these people.
Posted by brooke at 08:26 AM
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Wednesday, 15 March 06
heart of now
i'm heading to heart of now tommorrow evening. its going to be a long weekend. i kinda wish i wasn't leading a team. *sigh* i have mixed feelings about it. but, these days, i have mixed feelings about a lot of things. except the work that i do. i love the work that i do, and the people i get to do it with. i keep commenting on that at work. i think people are tired of hearing me say it.. but loving my work and the people i do it with is such a new thing. and then this utah thing. and. dammit. really, this loving what i do is a gut thing. i mean, that i love what i do is a gut thing, i mean, in the deepest recesses of knowing what is true for me. this is such not the norm for me. and it constantly surprises me.
Posted by brooke at 11:09 PM
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up, awake. gotta get movin'
seriously. i'm up, i'm awake. (i didn't get to sleep till waay late last night, waaay early this morning) i gotta move. i got a lot on my list of things to do today, and today is the day i must get through my to do list. i've not done that in too long of a time. *sigh*
--
spent time with my friend p yesterday. haven't spent time with just p without daughter t in a long time. it was really nice. p is family. i mean, really, p is family. p is more than just a friend, she's more like a sister. and her daughter t, goddess i love that little girl. i mean, i miss her when i don't see her in awhile. sometimes i stop by their house just because (and i tell them this) i need to hug t. t is a strong willed, high strung child. this doesn't make her the easiest kid to be around sometimes.. but you know what? i don't care. even in those moments, i love her, i mean, really love her. those moments are moments for me to learn to be with her better, to be with myself better. those hard moments with t only make me a better person, learning to better able deal with difficult moments with others, and with myself.
okay, i'm babbling. at some point i need to write about how i simply can't imagine my life without p and t in it on a nearly daily basis. really, i'm having a difficult time seeing myself living a life where i can't just stop by their house at a whim. that doesn't make this utah thing a very happy prospect. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 09:22 AM
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Tuesday, 14 March 06
gmail is down
gmail is down. i'm feeling rather impotent right now. and out of sorts. and unable to focus without that particular email account.
goddess. when are they going to start 12 step programs for email? seriously. goddess. okay, maybe its not about email, maybe its about work? i'm sure there is some sort of workaholic 12 step out there.
--
in other news, i've gone 2, almost 3 days without any sort of processed sugar substance. i'm having sugar, but in juice, honey. and i'm having my terribly sweet coffee with nutrasweet, but no processed sugar. i got a high 5 from a friend today. that was a nice reinforcement.
okay. i wonder if gmail is back up.
Posted by brooke at 01:34 PM
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Monday, 13 March 06
holy shit!
i'm going to be a Ph.D. student!
yeah. most of you don't know that i was raised around a university. my mother wasn't even a ph.d. student when i was born.. she got it when i was 9. my father is a professor. he has ph.d. students, and labs, and.. yeah. and my mother? what did she grow up to be? an associate dean in the college of education. so, this ph.d. thing.. its the family business.
but seriously. holy shit. i'm going to be a ph.d. student! holy shit! in 3 years, i could be nearing becoming dr. me. or me, ph.d. holy shit.
i gotta record these moments of excitement, just because there are a lot of tears to be shed, a lot of tears already shed, because of this. i love this place that i live. this is home.
anyhow, i'm rambling. time to focus. i need to eat dinner cause i gotta go work. more trench work today.
btw.
holy shit! i'm gonna be a ph.d. student!
Posted by brooke at 03:53 PM
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schools update
yeah. this ph.d. thing that i wrote about a lot last year. its moving forward. and i have too many mixed emotions. i should be happy, but i'm having a hard time finding my happiness around it. i think i'm going to call someone and do some hard core crying about it. about leaving. about.. about. damn those trench people, they've made leaving so much harder. really and truly.
anyhow, i got into utah state and university of washington. utah is my first choice. i'm going to go to logan to visit in a couple of weeks. scout the place out. see if i can really rip myself away from here and do the ph.d. gamble. *sigh*
i've not talked a lot about the sadness i'm dealing with, but its here, and its huge. i don't like people making plans here at home knowing i won't be here. i hate that, a lot. i hate knowing i won't be here, that my time here with these people is so damn limited.
i should be happy, but i'm happiest these days when i'm here, in the trenches. i've never been happier at work.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 11:45 AM
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still needs work.
its new. i've worked on it on and off for awhile. i'm happy its finally up. isn't it a nice change? i think so.
on that note, i need to go check my mail and make some calls.
:)
Posted by brooke at 09:57 AM
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Friday, 10 March 06
yeah. no.
i've learned a lot this week about my self, about my craziness, about this work in the trenches. i wish i could write something terribly thoughtful about it, but i don't feel like rehashing it all.
*sigh*
i am a mandatory reporter. when i was told this i didn't ever expect to be in a position of actually doing a report, and if i ever was, i certainly didn't expect it to be a friend.
but i had to, and it was, and it sucked. but you know what? i'd do it again. only this time, i'd do it quicker, without question.
i'll be honest, while making the report sucks, i'm rather proud of the fact that i am, because it means that i am mandated by law to protect our kids. it means that i don't have to think about my own judgement about whether something should be reported or not, if what the under 18 year old has told me fits into one of the categories, i have to make a report. i don't have a choice, i have to do it. its my job, and if i don't, i put the trench at risk. i'm not willing to do that.
and you know, i'm not one to fall behind authority very much. i'm not one to be able to proudly say i did something because my boss told me too. (she did.) but this week, during this difficult situation, it was rather comforting to be able to say to this person -- i did it because my boss told me to. i hope that i never have to do this ever again, but if i do i hope that its these people i am currently in the trench with, and if not them, people like them -- people who i trust have my back, and who's back i've got.
Posted by brooke at 11:43 PM
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the web is slow today
and its becoming quite the pain in the ass. darn it. maybe its this funky ass whether we're having here in the pacific northwest. its been freezing rain or some other ice like particling on and off for the past 2 hours. luckily the temperature is 42.
my weekend has way to much work included. wish i wasn't both sick and committed to the trench people or i'd go up to the mountains for the day and ski with friends.
ick.
next weekend heart of now. that'll be good? i dunno. too much residue crap left over from the last time i was there for the weekend. fun fun fuck.
maybe one day my attitude will change.
Posted by brooke at 02:49 PM
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Wednesday, 8 March 06
another rough day in the trenches
yep. its a rough day here in the trenches. bad stuff happening to those who we're in the trenches for. goddess. i could say lots of stuff about society and question why it happens, but honestly, i'm rather matter of fact about it and my heart is closed to it. i can't go to the place of sadness i could so easily go to.. its just what is. the past 24 hours have been a huge learning experience, and i now understand why people react the way they do. all i've done is my job, all we've done is try to protect, and we can't. we do what we can.
anyhow. at least it makes me want to stay here in the trenches, to continue to do this work. at least being here and seeing it being thrown at me has only made me want to stand here with these people and hold my shield stronger, make it larger.
*sigh*
on that note, its time to go do some of the necessary administrative work that we must do in order to keep the trenches strong and deep.
Posted by brooke at 01:35 PM
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from my phone
interesting. can not be proliphic. darn. hard day. mandatory reporting friends sucks... but i have to do it... sorry j and s.
Posted by brooke at 12:28 AM
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Monday, 6 March 06
from the march
sensenbrenner is a terrorist
from the march for immigrants rights that i went to on saturday.. 4000 people marched.. in reaction to that damn sensenbrenner bill.
Posted by brooke at 10:59 PM
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Friday, 3 March 06
strong feelings
goddess, i have nothing but strong feelings.. but this time its about the civil disobedience that is happening in my city around the war. *sigh*
yes, i support cd. oh goddess, i support cd. i support cd that does not hurt any living beings. yes. yes, i support the actions of people like the weather underground, and some of the actions by the earth and animal liberation fronts. but. a big but. there's got to be some reason for each action.. thinking about a greater movement and a greater purpose. i don't think the work being done in my city is being thoughtful about a greater purpose. no, it doesn't feel very well thought, it just feels like people are acting from a place of loving the adrenaline rush. and, frankly, i'm feeling rather saturated by it, and its in my city, and if you are really going to do risky cd, it should be in a place not my city. my city is a little hippie enclave in oregon. for christs sake we have a memorial to a merry prankster! if you are going to get arrested to make a point, make a real point in someplace where civil disobedience is actually a big deal. for christs sake, make a statement some place where they don't hear statements made. damnit, it doesn't take long to drive someplace like that here in oregon.
*sigh*
i hope people can convince the leader of the CD to get his head of out of his ass and be more thoughtful. i hope people can really hear what i've been saying about not preaching to the choir. i'm sick of hearing the preaching. i know folks in the not so hippie town 45 minutes north of here aren't. go there. piss them off. get them off their asses. all of us here in my city are off our asses, we've been working so hard that few of us have any asses to sit on anymore.
*sigh*
and be thoughtful. this is a movement we're building. when we build things we must lay out plans. when we build we must be careful and thoughtful. imagine if your living dwelling was built on one selfish adrenaline rush after the other? do you think your house would stand up to the winds that come rushing down the valley sometimes? do you think your house would stand up to the torrential downpours? do you think your house would stand up to disaster? no. our movements must have foundations and strong walls so that they can stand up to anything that might be thrown at them, so that if parts of it get damaged we can rebuild, so that when disaster strikes we are ready to take action, we are prepared to take action. so that we are prepared not only to protect ourselves and loved ones from a bad storm, but better so that we are prepared, in a moment, to stop the storm before it gets out of control. if our movements are put together with adrenaline, and held together with duct tape, we won't be able to do the work we truly need to do. we will fall apart. and we won't be able to help those who need our help. we need to build strong movements not for ourselves, but for those who we move for.
Posted by brooke at 12:06 PM
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Thursday, 2 March 06
get it. got it. yeah.
yeah mlm, i got it. really, i do. i totally get it. you realize you've made decisions about my life a hell of a lot harder, don't you? actually, you don't read this, so i may just have to tell you.. but i know you already know all this. damn it, and you. damn damn damn. you know mlm, everytime i talk about them and this work that we do i find myself close to tears. it happened tonight as i was trying to recreate your story about the history for the webperson. and anytime i talk about my own story and why i got involved. and everytime i talk about them to other people. did you know how much i was going to love working with them? that they would become the highlight of my week? did you know that i'd be shedding tears at the thought of them too? i didn't. i didn't realize that i would get far more back from them than i ever give to them. i didn't realize that the highlight of some of my weeks would be simple moments of sharing with them. you know a highlight of this week? after monday evening and walking back with them and sharing a laugh with two of them about how short i am. that moment of acceptance by them, goddess mlm, that moment of utter acceptance made my week. damn you mlm, damn you. you've made these decisions far too hard. i guess its a blessing.. its a blessing that feels like its breaking my heart.
Posted by brooke at 11:13 PM
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Wednesday, 1 March 06
did i mention.
i got a cell phone. and i need to go cancel my y membership tommorrow. and my new cell phone has a camera in it. so i can take pictures of things and make them icons and background screens for the front lcd and the main lcd. i've spent a long time tonight taking one particular picture.. getting it all centered and stuff.
oh. yeah. and. anyhow. yeah.
on that note, because i didn't have any ibuprofen here at home, but instead had some vicodin from my breast reduction surgery for cramps, i'm feeling a bit loopy. time for bed.
Posted by brooke at 12:55 AM
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