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Thursday, 31 August 06
those whacky protesters!
georgie-boy was in town (re: salt lake city) yesterday. (wish i'd known, maybe i'd have gone down? doubt it, but a girl never knows). over 1,000 good citizens of salt lake city decided to tell him what they thought of him. go them! yeah utah folks for doing the right thing.
and on a side, cynical note, i wonder how many of those good people were mormon? it was a group of 1,000 citizens of utah, there had to be at least a few, if not several, or even several several's. seriously, a little tired of some lefty folks asking me about the mormons here, in a rather judgemental tone. really. i quickly learned how many colours the mormons come in (red, blue, green), as much of a rainbow as any other group of people.
Posted by brooke at 09:59 AM
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Wednesday, 30 August 06
Freire, and Wenger
i had a great conversation with my aunt tonight. (hey s!) it was helpful just to wrap my head around the past 2 days, the ups and downs.
anyhow, we were talking about freire -- pedagogy of the oppressed -- and she reminded me that she has a quote from him at the bottom of her email:
"Knowledge emerges only through invention and reinvention, through
the restless, impatient, continuing, hopeful inquiry men pursue in
the world, with the world, and with each other." ~Paulo Freire
and it made me think of this one, at the bottom of my email:
"Meaning exists neither in us, nor in the world, but in the dynamic relation of living in the world." ~Etienne Wenger
and then there's john seely brown and paul duguid in the social life of information. i don't have an exact quote here, but they talk about information vs knowledge and how information doesn't have context, and how knowledge is something you build and carry with you.
they are all saying essientally the same thing -- we have to interact with the world, in order to build something from it.
hmm.
i'm doing this work that is about open courseware. online learning without interaction built into the experience, unless: by chance there are others who are or have gone through the same course you are going through (and there is social support attached to it), or unless you are going through it at the sametime. this is the kind of thing i came here to study -- an informal learning environment where people are self motivated to find the information and make meaning of it on their own.
hmm.
i guess i have questions. what kind of learner does it take to really be able to make meaning out of online content? i mean, can you just take any learner with a mild interest in a subject and stick them in front of a piece of content? probably not. but sometimes good teaching can help motivate a user to use the content. what does good online teaching look like? and what does it look like without a teacher? if you find good online content can you just remove the teacher part? and then i go back to meaning. i take all this back to meaning, and what meaning and knowledge look like.
what does good online open courseware look like? and, does it look different to other people? i mean, i love this course. and not just because the content is interesting, but because the tone of voice entertains me, and keeps me interested. then one day i went to this course because all my then co-workers spoke spanish besides me. i wasn't too excited about it, i didn't spend a lot of time in the course. i got frustrated and left. what made one more valuable, more meaningful, to me than the other? was it familiar content vs not? but with the unfamiliar content i had a whole support network of people in person. why is it that i built meaning out of one and not the other? what made the content effective for me, and how can i translate that out to other pieces of content in an audience that isn't me?
hmm. interesting question? what does interaction with the world look like that we can build knowledge and meaning with? and can that be a piece of open courseware?
----
another, kind of related note. notes for myself.
could i look at the efficacy of a particular piece of ocw and then later look at the delivery method? could i look at why this piece of ocw was effective or not? looking at how it was designed, the particular audience? who was this piece of ocw designed for the audience we're taking it too? or .
i need to remember what i was told. a piece of ocw won't be effective if someone isn't motivated to look at it. having people who are only motivated by me asking them is different than a set of people who are motivated because of the content.
i guess it goes back to a question. what does good, stand alone, online course look like? what makes one better than another? hmm. what makes it good, and is our course good?
hmm. i wonder if i can do something with this in my performance systems class.
Posted by brooke at 09:06 PM
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i will not let this break me, no i will not.
Posted by brooke at 07:26 PM
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to my ma on her birthday
I just sent this to my ma, as it is her birthday today:
I know, i know, its your birthday. Your dear daughter is kind of tired, working on finding her feet in a PhD program. But so you know, I brag on you here. I talk about my mother the PhD and how she did it with two young ones, and their father helping some, but still, you did it. I tell people that I'm not bragging that my mother is a PhD, but in fact its that I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud that I get to call you my mom. Aren't I a lucky woman? I would say, yes.
The next 3 - 4 years are going to be hard, and there are going to be times when I wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing, but then a day like yesterday is going to come along, and when I think about the first person I want to tell, its going to be my ma. Why? Cause I love you, and I want to tell you what I've just accomplished, because I want you to know that I wouldn't be here without your support. I want you to know that while there have been times that I have ridden you pretty hard, that I love you, and I want to show you what you helped to create, I want you to know that the hard work has paid off.
I love you mom, so very much. I am a lucky woman, and when I count my blessings everyday these days, you are one of the first I get to count. Aren't I lucky? That doesn't even need to be a question, of course the answer is yes.
Love,
Me.
Posted by brooke at 09:23 AM
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kept up
i've not slept well in a few days. i'm not happy about this. last night i was up just angry about the situation in my lab. *sigh* i wish i'd gotten more advice on how to deal with it, but i didn't. *sigh* i'm going to have to tell this person to leave me alone, and i've got to do it with grace, but unfortunately i think she's going to perceive grace as weakness and simply keep the behavior up. i fear i'm going to have to out power her, and essientally step on her to get her to leave me alone. being gracefull is far more powerful, but often times its hard for people to see that. i did email my prof, who is the head of the lab, and told him i wanted to chat with him about this matter during the meeting we are supposed to have tommorrow afternoon about my research project. maybe he can offer some advice. or what i'd really like is for him to tell this person just to leave me the hell alone.
i have class at 10.30 today. the professor who is teaching it said that he's glad that i, and another collegue, are in the department, and we're taking the class. i'm glad he's happy we're here, thats a nice feeling to have, i just hope i can meet his, and mainly, my expectations.
Posted by brooke at 07:36 AM
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Tuesday, 29 August 06
more whacky adventures as a new phd student
it was an exciting day today. bbpd, aka ygpd, and i met with a friend of his who has contacts in the local school district. we've got content we want to take to a proper user base, my interest is in the school district. so, thats what we're going to do, she and i. and we're going to create a reserach project with it, so we can both get published. its pretty exciting, though i don't know how to do this, but thats where bbpd comes in. he knows how to do this. oh, and did i mention, she is the cousin of someone i know back home in eugene, someone who wrote a letter of recommendation to get into this program? i could not believe it when she said his name, i nearly fell off of my chair. i'm actually walking around my apartment tonight, simply shaking my head.. "___"'s cousin. oh my. *sigh* yeah. its another one of those signs that i'm supposed to be here, yep. sure is.
anyhow. its only day 2 of my phd program, and i already wish i was done with class. i really just want to dive into reasearch, but i have to remember - in time. okay, maybe even a bit now, but in time it'll all come.
*sigh*
i had a not purposeful run in with a lab mate of mine. its not pleasant and right now i'm just angry about it. angry at that person, not me. i should be a bit miffed at myself. anyhow. yeah. anyhow. i'm just doing the best i can, and the angry at them side says - i'm not going to take it, i'm not going to be their whipping boy. the strong side of me says 'whats their vision of themselves?, and see them in their vision.' i'm hoping i can incorportate both. because really, i am a weak weak person, and doing this semester is going to be hard enough as it is, but to also be someone's 'whipping boy' is only going to make it harder. i refuse to be in that position.
welcome to life, yep, welcome to life.
*agh*
Posted by brooke at 10:52 PM
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Monday, 28 August 06
i guess its about patience.
maybe thats the lesson i need to learn right now. patience. i'm not good at that lesson, at all.
anyhow. i think all this reading is finally kicking in. reading a book about the bottom of the pyramid, pedagogy of the oppressed, and then lawerence lessig, and throw in a bit of the book of job (thats another story for another day, please don't ask), and its all one big lesson and learning experience. one thing is, i wish it weren't so exhausting, but i guess its paying off.
any friend reading this? t? are you reading it? just wanted to tell you that i love you.
oh. and again about the young lady who's story helped me so much with my own coming to grips of my dad's health. christi thomas. i need to learn a lesson from them about hard things. i hope my family never ever has to go through what they are going through. i hope your family never has to go through it. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and they are simply a kind hard working family from ohio. and christi simply a young lady who loves cats and school. as a phd student in education who decided to keep 2 of her cats and pay more to live outside the student housing, i can relate to her a lot. i hope to my greatest hopes and prayers that she will get to be in my position one day - struggling to find her feet in a phd. program. but it doesn't look good, but all i can say is, whatever and however you speak to the greater, just include this young lady and her family in those conversations. i know i did this weekend, and i will tonight.
Posted by brooke at 09:33 PM
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seriously, i should just shut up.
enough said.
i think this is the second hardest thing i've ever done.
the hardest would be that recovery thing from the chronic illness. but this is nearly equally as hard, but in a completely different way. but luckily, my life doesn't depend on this. maybe thats the only real difference?
*agh*
Posted by brooke at 04:03 PM
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agh.
i'm up late thinking of all the idiotic things i've said in the last month, stuff i've not done, worrying about how this money deal is going to happen as i move into my midlife crisis, which should happen just a couple of years after i get this damn degree, and hopefully after little brooke, ph.d. enters this world, either by birth or adoption. anyhow. i really am an idiot. and i hope people will forget what i've said. i doubt it. but hopefully other people will understand i'm simply trying to get my feet underneath me. *agh* and that i'm finally starting to realize i'm no longer in eugene. *double agh* and i'm starting to rethink telling bbpd that i really hate the book he gave me to read on friday. (he DID say i may not like it, BTW) because that might just step right back into idiotic behavior. luckily i have 2 other books to read right now -- along with stuff about to come from class -- so i don't need to go back and get another one from him for awhile. though, maybe this asking for stuff to read from bbpd is one of the very few non-idiotic things i've done since i've been here? i can only hope so, i can only hope that will help redeem all my other idiotic behaviors.
now that i've confessed my idiocy sins, its time to go to bed. first day of class tommorrow. i should get to work by 10 (we start things late at my lab), at the VERY latest. gotta get 5 hours in, along with a long class.
unfortunately tuesday, i gotta be in class at 8.30am. oh my goddess. sorry, but thats just dumb (no offense to the professor who is holding said class, they must be a morning person). but if i end up getting into the 4.30 class, i'll drop the 8.30am class.
okay. that was just whacky. i know, i should be happy for my laid back - don't get into work till 10am - life. :P
Posted by brooke at 12:10 AM
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Sunday, 27 August 06
a little HoN in my email box
Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less.
~Kathleen McDonald, "How to Meditate"
Posted by brooke at 12:55 PM
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Saturday, 26 August 06
i certainly don't think or hope i'm not the only one
yep. i'm looking at the content that i hope i get to take to a group of people who could really benefit from it, and i'm thinking about how i'll do this, and you know -- if i were at home i'd feel a lot more confident in presenting this stuff, but now.. now with this whole ph.d.. thing hanging over it, and wanting to publish and present on the work of taking this to them, well.. the added pieces to it all simply make me terrified. and shit. this is a phd program and i'm supposed to be all tough and stuff. oh holy hell, i am so not tough at all. i'm all about emotions and crap and just letting them be. oh holy hell. i am so not going to survive this. oh holy hell.
first day of classes is monday. pro-sem is on the docket for the day. pro-sem -- 2 semesters of all the profs in the dept having us spend 3 weeks each learning all about their research. yeah, i'm looking forward to hearing about some of it, but others.. not really.
and i have this need to be a superstar in the department. holy hell. i was kind of a star at home, and before i left i got pumped with all this 'you are so great' crap, and unfortunately i believed it. yeah, i don't think i chose the right time to get an ego. i'd rather be incredibly humble and just listen to as much as possible and just soak up everything around me instead of making stupid comments about how things should be because i know everything, because afterall my friends told me i know everything. *blargh*
i'm absolutely terrified of screwing up. yeah. holy hell.
Posted by brooke at 10:56 PM
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yeah tk!
tk mcdonald, aka Slugretha Latifah Uleafa Gastropodia Jackson is the new slug queen of Eugene! whoo hoo! i don't know tk very well, but the times we've talked, i've simply adored her. i'm so happy she's the new slug queen. ohhh, how i wish i could be in eugene to see her in her mighty queendom in the parade!
Posted by brooke at 08:42 PM
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agh. organizing, academia style.
oh holy fuck. student government organizing is happening. and i don't like the tone of a couple of the emails i got. i sent, what i hope, are very well thought responses to my objections to the tone. i also sent an email to bbpd, who is the advisor to the student government group, about how i think the meeting should be run.
fuck. i will only get involved in leadership there if bbpd thinks it'll look good on my resume. otherwise, i'm rather burned out on organizing and all that stuff. i love my friends who are doing it but i'm tired of it. been there, done that, didn't move to logan, utah to do it more.
*agh*
that said. i easily get wrapped up in drama. organizing drama is some of my most VERY favourite. seriously. and i'm going to the meeting on thursday.
blagh.
repeat. i will just sit and listen to the meeting. i will just listen to the meeting. i will just listen to the meeting. and if someone says something idiotic, i will not say anything. no, i will not tell them they are an idiot.
wash, rinse and repeat.. as many times as necessary.
off to read a couple of books. i am so not used to reading this much. seriously. i hope i get used to doing this much reading, soon. very soon.
Posted by brooke at 04:38 PM
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Friday, 25 August 06
it went well
my meeting with bbpd*, aka ygpd*, went better than expected. he and i are meeting with someone next friday about a possible project that i can start working on and it has all the factors i need --> an audience, and content for that audience. we'll see if it takes off, and if not them, i've got another meeting with someone else about another possible project later that day. i'm quite excited, though i'm looking forward to the high wearing off. oh, and he's my advisor / mentor. yep. i now have a major professor. this is good.
*for those of you who haven't been playing along, big bad professor dude, aka young geeky professor dude.
Posted by brooke at 06:21 PM
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Thursday, 24 August 06
yes, i'm homesick
it hit today. i left work and just had this craving for my friends, for eugene. its not a crying type of craving, just an urge to go home and see them all. just to hug them. just to, yeah, look at them in the eyes and say 'hi'.. almost a want for things to go back to where they were just a few months ago. on the brink of something new, yet still at home.
i miss you all. it almost aches in my skin, when i look around myself and see no one familiar. i see no one that i've known for a long period of time, no one that knows all my quirks and still loves me, no one that i have such familiarity with that i can just wrap myself up in. its a nice thing to have with people and i don't have it here at all.
some of them are at burning man this weekend, others at heart of now. they are all somewhere, and me, i am here in logan, reading and getting ready for the first day of classes. the first day of classes as a ph.d. student. i don't know whether to be intimidated or not. either way, this is the path i've chosen for myself.
it is such a different world. such different worlds i come from and find myself in. my practicallity didn't always fit in there, and my whimsical emotional side doesn't always fit in here. there's balance, and yet i wish i could have both at the same time.
i've not heard from my friend k. i sent her my phone number, told her i'd love to have her, and yet she was hoping the universe would find her a way to burning man. i hope it did, because that is what she wanted. i hope she found her way, to burning man, to our friends that she misses. i'll miss not seeing her, and having that familiar comfort, but thats okay. i know what she needs and i hope she gets her needs met.
december. yep. my hope is that i can get out of here before the end of finals week, to get to eugene, to see my friends.
i'm not sad, no, i'm not sad, its just a simple craving. craving those that love me, even with all my quirks.
Posted by brooke at 05:52 PM
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early.
oh yeah. its early.. 6.40 to be exact. why am i up? new student orientation in the department. whoo hoo. :P
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, i do that a lot here these days. and classes haven't even started. ha! agh. it'll only get worse -- sorry dad. (dad's my one reader, and maybe a friend from lead? hey t!) anyhow, nope, classes haven't even started. blagh. panicked last night about it. blagh.
okay. i've gotta catch a 7.30 bus, that means i've gotta leave the house in 20 minutes to walk up there.
Posted by brooke at 06:40 AM
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Wednesday, 23 August 06
in need of prayers
so, my dad's health is great these days. i think i reported on that earlier.. i remember when i first heard about dad's cancer.. it was, crap, just a year ago? no. maybe? crap. 2 years ago this december? december 2004. i hadn't yet started this phd search thing yet, but while i learned about it then, i didn't really start dealing with it till heart of now started, may of 2005. my point? i remember thinking that dad wouldn't last to see me get this darn degree. i talked to him the other day about his health, and things are looking very different for him. yeah! i expect my father to be here the day i walk across the stage and get that darn degree. it will be an exciting moment to be able to look at my father and say 'hi dr. r.' and for him to respond 'hi dr. r.' isn't that a nice thing to think about? at one point i didn't think i'd have the pleasure to think such thoughts.
my point. dad's health is great. yeah. but, there are others out there who's health is not. i've written about a family who's story i've been following here before --> the thomas team, their daughter christi has neuroblastoma, a very harsh children's cancer. it was through reading christi's story that i learned all about memorial sloan kettering cancer center, where my dad is being treated. christi was treated there for awhile. i remember reading it and thinking about my dad going to the same hospital, and crying. it was very healing for me to read christi's story, and i am grateful to the thomas team for sharing it as candidly as they have.
christi is not doing well. they are nearing the end of treatment options for christi. she's a 5th grader who loves school, and cats. and i gotta mention her mom, angela, as well. her mom is working on her phd. not only that, but she is a full time teacher, wife, and mother two christi and her younger sister.
whatever higher power it is you talk to, however you talk to that power, this family would probably really appreciate you having a conversation about them with your higher power.
thanks.
Posted by brooke at 09:12 PM
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today is a better day.
yeah. dig-it. today is a much better day. i've spent a lot of time over the last 2 days just talking to people. i mean, 'this is what i want for next year, but how the heck to i get there?' people around here are good people and they all assure me that i'm asking the right questions. i tend to be one to start sprinting down a certain path, and i know that if i sprint to far i'm likely to fall right off the path, or not notice the sign that says 'turn here.' so, luckily i know that, and i have no interest in loosing anytime because i've missed a turn off, or failed to notice that the path is no longer under me. i may seem neurotic, but i'm bound and determined to get what i want. i just hope that my own laughing and giggling will help smooth my way. yes, i laugh and giggle and throw out sarcastic zingers on a pretty regular basis.. and today, today i noticed myself skipping through the halls of the second floor of the education building. i might seem whacky, but i'd rather be whacky and maybe seem a bit off, than sad and actually be off.
i'm looking forward to my meeting with bbpd* on friday. i'm learning a lot about how he works. some of it bothers me, and some of it thrills me. i think it'll be a matter of finding that balance, knowing he's not perfect, and also knowing that he's not as bad as i may think when i get frustrated, all the while keeping in mind that he's the guy i'm here to study with, he's the guy in the department with my interests. it'll be good to chat with him face to face, and i hope that, while he'll be surprised with how i've changed what i'm doing, he'll be happy.
anyhow. its now 10 hours into this crap of the BEEP BEEP BEEP, and i fear it'll never end. and i MUST go read lessig. maybe after this episode of 'chef!' hahahaha. yeah, the beeping, i'm moving past annoyed and heading quickly into pretty damn pissed.
*sigh*
*big bad professor dude, aka ygpd (young geeky professor dude).
Posted by brooke at 04:54 PM
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holy hell x2
oh my goddess.. the BEEP BEEP BEEP from this morning.. STILL going on. holy hell. 7am - 4.18pm so far. don't they take a break?!?
seriously. i'm may just go over and glare at them some more. crap.
Posted by brooke at 04:17 PM
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oh holy hell.
7 am this morning. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP from some damn vehichle. 8.07, while it hasn't been on going, it does continue every 2 minutes or so. BEEP BEEP BEEP. damnit. i didn't get to bed till WAY late last night / EARLY this morning. oh fuckers. this is not a good start to the day.
Between that damn beeping, and mother nature deciding to bless me with an exceptionally bright sun this morning, my morning started WAAY to early.
i have to walk by the source of the BEEP BEEP BEEP this morning on the way to the bus. i definetly think i'll glare at them, hard, as i walk by. shit. is that all i can do? oh holy hell, i've gotten even nicer.. shit. and i thought oregonians were nice, you should meet these freakin' utah people. so freakin' nice. seriously, at a 4-way stopp.. "oh you go, no you go, oh no you go" damnit. and they are wearing on me. crap. i'll probably stop cussing soon. crap. oh wait, no, fuck.
Posted by brooke at 08:07 AM
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Monday, 21 August 06
k may come to logan!
my friend k may come see me in logan. i would love it if she did. i love her, and miss her, and.. well, she's a friend from home, and i need that.
k - come to logan. i love you!
Posted by brooke at 02:15 PM
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today just sucks.
seriously. today just sucks.
Posted by brooke at 12:23 PM
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Sunday, 20 August 06
crying ≠ weak
my dad and i were talking about last week and all that happened, and how it affected me. the week affected me pretty deeply, both when i realized my own naivete, and then when i got an email from someone that i didn't expect, that was full of support. there were tears of sadness, frustration at myself, and relief.
yes. i cry. i cry a lot. since starting to go to Heart of Now and connecting on a much deeper level with myself, and thusly with those around me, i have discovered that i cry. it just happens. and its something i like about myself. i'm able to have a deep emotion, and express it. and i do it in places that some wouldn't think is appropriate.. like at my office.
now, i'm not going to break out into sobbing tears, but even in the 3 weeks i've been at my new job, esp. this week, i have found myself choked up a couple of times, a bordering cry, but not a cry, a sign nonethless that i am having a deep reaction to what is going on. and its a nice sign i'm still connected.
so, dad points out that some people may see crying as weak, but, see, i don't. i am a strong woman who trys to act in integrity with each moment. i have strong beliefs about how to be in the world, i have strong beliefs of right and wrong. i have high expectations of those around me, and higher ones of myself. now, i fail, i'm not perfect -- oh goddess no, i am so far from being perfect its not funny -- but i do my best in each moment. sometimes that best is pretty darn good, and sometimes that best isn't even getting by, but its my best, at least i hope. so, when someone sees me cry, if they see it as a sign of weakness, they can see it as that.. but those who know me, know it isn't a sign of weakness. those who know me know it is who i am. frankly, to me a sign of weakness is showing a lack of integrity, a sign of weakness is not working to be your best in each moment, a sign of weakness is not crying when you want too.
people at my new job may see me cry, but if they've gotten to know me they'll know its just me being me. hopefully if they can't hold it they'll just let me be in my process, because it is that process that is going to get me through the next 4 years, it is that process thats gotten me the enormous gifts i get to celebrate each and everday. it is a process that i honor within myself, and i hope others will honor as well - just as i will honor theirs.
Posted by brooke at 04:55 PM
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i was reminded
i got an email from some HoN friends just a moment ago. i've known what they are going through, i heard about it through my friend p. they are dear people to me, both have held me with such love and grace during hard moments at HoN. i'm grateful to them for what they've given me. one of those friends has a rapidly growing cancer, and the other - their partner - is supporting them through it. please hold them in your prayers, thoughts, energy - whatever it is that you do - as they go through this time.
my family is lucky right now, my dad is doing well, thank the goddess, thank god. other families, other families are struggling cancer aren't as lucky. please hold them all in your thoughts/prayers/energy.
Posted by brooke at 03:35 PM
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no, no reading.. just printing. gah.
finished a book today. and printed (am printing) 2 articles to read. tommorrow is church with a friend, hopefully a nice bike ride, tracking down $2 in quarters, and hopefully a lot of lessig, and a lot less buffy. buffy is fun, but lessig is good for me. oh yeah, and maybe some motivation, and a bit of learning objects too. wouldn't that make me AWFULLY productive?!? whoo hoo! agh.
Posted by brooke at 12:25 AM
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Saturday, 19 August 06
this journal
i've been writing in this space a lot, simply because it is my journal. yes, i am one of those bloggers who blogs about the stuff going on in her heart, rather than the stuff going on in life. i don't know how people feel about it, but thats just what it turns out to be. a conversation with myself, and maybe a conversation with other people as well. i don't know, because i don't get emails from folks, and i think i've got comments turned off because of spam, and because i'm too lazy to upgrade moveable type to a more spam unfriendly version. or to find another blogging software.
anyhow. the last few weeks have been a struggle of ups and downs, and i appreciate what this space has become. i type it and it goes out there to the ethers, and i can let it go, for the most part. i can let most of it go, and thats good. its an important process.
so, what will this space be as i move forward with my doctoral career? it will be what it is right now -- my own space for myself. for the side of myself that exists because if it didn't i wouldn't be where i am today, i'd have died 5 years ago. yeah. anyhow, that piece is another story for another day, but its something i live with -- not every day -- but just something i live with.
maybe i'll start another blog when, and if, my brain becomes so ensconced in instrutional technology that i.t. is all i think about. frankly, i hope that doesn't happen, i hope i don't loose sight of who i am. i came here because of my own interest in how i tick, because i wonder how i became motivated, and why i do what i do, with the hopes that as i research and learn about my own interests that i can apply that to something beyond me for the greater good. i came here seeking something that eugene can't give me. i came here.. i don't know all the reasons i came here, but nonetheless, as life in logan slowly envelopes me i hope i keep sight of who i am and what makes me tick. and hopefully thats what this journal of mine will do.
i'm definetly happier than i have been in a long time. and thats a pretty amazing thought, because this is hard here. i don't feel like i've got my feet underneath me, and unless i know for sure that i know someone's got my back, its hard to feel solid ground beneath me.. but nonetheless, after a day of sad self-reflection i find myself bouncing back with lots of laughter, and goofy pig tails. i hope that if i face failure here, that i'm able to bounce back, i'm able to pick it up, look at it, and figure out how to move past that failure. but what i hope i experience here is not failure, but rather small problems that cause me to change my thinking, that i have to pick up and remould so that the piece fits better into the larger picture.
anyhow, i've lost sight of why i started this entry. hmm. oh yeah, i'm writing a lot here, because this is my outlet. its not about keeping record of who i am or where i was on a particular day anymore, its about having feelings and releasing them. i no longer have the comfy container of Heart of Now once a month to do that in, so this becomes my space to breathe in, to release it. and i'll tell ya -- it does feel better when i write here, when i release it into the ethers. and will all that garner more readers? i don't know, and frankly, i'm not sure how much i care. i just know that this space has become far more important now that i'm in logan than it ever was in eugene. for those of you who are reading this, thank you.
and now, now i'm off to take care of myself a bit today. i'm going to make tofu jerky, cause its good for me, and because i find that i'm able to connect with something kinda deep when i nuture myself with good food.
Posted by brooke at 11:01 AM
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Friday, 18 August 06
its my life.. yes, its my liffe (lines from a song, it can be sung)
so. its been a long emotional week.. seriously. yeah, but its me, so aren't most weeks at least emotional? goddess yes.
big bad prof dude (bbpd)* has totally suprised me, and my reaction to his suprise has surprised me too. interesting. anyhow, i fear he'll be disappointed when we meet next week, and that brings me sadness. but, hopefully he'll understand and i can take a deep breath and life will move on. and classes will start and my life will be.
*sigh*
anyhow.
piled higher and deeper: the comic. i can officially make fun of myself. afterall, i'm watching buffy, browsing the net, and making jello to put off reading. 40 more pages and i'm done with 'eat data.' oh yeah, thats a real up beat book i tell ya. fucker. damnit. it'll be nice to meet with bbpd* on friday afternoon to talk about work, but in case i have last minute questions about classes i can toss them at him.
*note. okay, bbpd (big bad professor dude) is not a big ol bad guy, but rather he is a young geeky prodigy prof dude (ygppd). honestly, though, the bbpd description entertains me. and it really is all about entertaining ME, not my readers, ME. and afterall, when we meet next week and he realizes how LITTLE content i've gotten (read NONE) he may just turn into bbpd (i hope not, really and truly, i hope not). *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 09:25 PM
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Thursday, 17 August 06
7 lives
my bedroom window doesn't have a screen on it. so, what did i do? i left the window open tonight. and max walked out, and then slid down the roof and fell down on to the sidewalk. i'm glad i saw it all, i'm glad i was here. i don't know what i would have done if i hadn't been here, and he'd run away. i also don't know what i would have done if he'd been hurt worse than just the skinned and bloody nose he has.
someone is looking down on us. i don't know who. but someone is looking out for him. a few years ago he got a badly infected leg from a poorly placed needle that hit a nerve (or something like that), and now this. he means the world to me this cat. i'm glad he's got 7 more lives to live... he may just go through them all.
Posted by brooke at 06:47 PM
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quiet
i got to go on a long walk with someone today. it was nice to have an open and honest conversation with them about my life as me and my life as a phd student. today was simply a rotten day, really.. and now after that walk and that conversation, the world seems quiet. yeah. as i was riding my bike home, thats what i experienced.. all the noise in my head was gone and the outside noise just didn't get in as much as it normally does. it's a nice feeling, and it meant a lot to me that they took this time out for me. thank you so much.
Posted by brooke at 06:03 PM
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*sigh*
i hope i never ever get it. and the fact that i have to deal with it, makes me very sad.
living in eugene is a nice thing. but its a utopia. and when you leave that utopia and carry givens with you that simply aren't givens any other place, you get smacked. smacked at times when you didn't even realize it was coming.
yep. i know what its like to be controversial and when i stand up to be controversial i have my armor on. and then there are times when thats not my intention and the armor isn't on. it hurts when that happens.
i guess the new given is - wear the armor all the time. i'm no longer living in my utopia. i'm back in the real world. and while i may appear to be tough, or something like that, i'm actually incredibly tender on the inside. maybe a bit too.
Posted by brooke at 11:55 AM
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Wednesday, 16 August 06
stuck
i'm feeling a little stuck, or unsure of myself with work. not knowing if i'm doing the right thing, even though all the feedback i'm getting from my professor is the exact opposite. its a frustrating feeling to have. *sigh* i'm looking forward to him getting back from a much deserved vacation, just so i can touch bases with him in person and make sure i'm on the right track.. or if i'm not, getting back on the right track. *sigh* no, work isn't very fun right now. *sigh* i know it'll get better when i can feel more sure of myself. *sigh*
i'm missing the intense connections i have with people at home, but i came into this thing knowing it would be lonely. it could be a hell of a lot worse than it is. i know that.
but i'm going to have to face something and set a boundary with someone at home that i don't want to, but i'm tired. and i'm tired of how it clouds how i feel about everything here. *sigh*
but i am grateful for what i have here, and i'm making some really nice connections with some folks here. yeah. i've been one to look at the bad side of things, rather than the good side. i know things could be a lot harder than they are. *sigh*
i'm looking forward to classes starting, but dreading the extra work load. but this is what i came here for, and i know it'll be good for me. *sigh* i love what i'm learning, i just wish reading didn't take so long. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 11:42 PM
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Tuesday, 15 August 06
why i'm doing this
i got a package in the mail from my mom today. i was a bit surprised, but when i opened it i realized she was FINALLY sending me my copy of sue's book. yeah, sue's book. uh huh.
"To a person who believes that prostitution is a victimless crime,
I invite you to spend just one night in my nightmares.
To experience the fear that surrounds me when another person raises their voice.
To fear the thought of falling in love.
To jump at the touch of the kindest of hands.
This was more than a time in my life; this changed the smallest piece of every day.
To the women still "out there," reach out for help."
I'm going to make a copy of this poem and put it up behind my desk at work. This is why I'm in Logan, Utah. This is why I came to do this work.
huh?
I came to get a PhD for several reasons. I believe that I can find a decent job at the end of this so I can buy a house, put money away for retirement, have health care, and be a mom. Thats the self serving reason I came to do this work. And I know, all those things are such big things to want. SO many people in this world don't even get a part of that. SO many people in this country, so many people that I know are struggling for financial security. I get it. But I want it, and if a PhD will help me get it, then so be it.
And then there are reasons like Sue. Not Sue herself, but all those Sue's out there. I'm here because its in their lives that I want to make a difference. I think going overseas and all is groovy, but I, I need to stay here. I need to think of all the Sue's in this world who need me to remember them, as I'm sitting in my ivory tower talking about things like 'podcasts' and 'communities of practice.' They need me to remember that its them that need ME to use my privilage to speak up, and do what I can so that they can find the same privilage I have.
I was very touched by Sue. I loved that she lived near me for the last 2 months I was in Eugene. They were rough months for me, and she made me laugh. She was comforting (punny!). And I learned a lot about myself. Writing this reminds me that I need to call them. To tell them I think about them a lot. To let her son know he's not far from my mind, to tell her that she's going to serve as reminder to me of what I'm doing here in Logan, and to thank her for it.
Posted by brooke at 08:03 PM
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guess i'll be going to dallas
hmm. gonna take a bit of a vacation to dallas in october.
whoo hoo. goddess i hope so.
Posted by brooke at 06:30 PM
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wouldn't it be nice to be willow?
in one episode of buffy that i've seen recently, willow, when she was becoming 'bad willow' actually put her hands into books and literally sucked them dry, thusly getting all the knowledge they had to offer. isn't that cool??
anyhow. i'm reading a book called 'communities of practice'.. a very good book, very good book (i think the caffiene i just injested helped with that second 'very' statement), and i'm excited to read it.. i just wish it didn't take so LONG. i keep looking at the book thinking 'if ONLY i could be like willow.' what a nice happy fantasy, eh? :)
Posted by brooke at 02:00 PM
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its just an interesting disconnect
i just did a search on a member of my family, to track him down because i've not connected with him in 3.5 years. anyhow, its amazing what you find when you google someone. i'm happy they are who they are, and all.. but it really hit home how different my life is from theirs. the huge disconnect, it makes me realize why there hasn't been a big pull to stay in touch. our lives are very very different. i mean, thats a judgement and idea i have, so i'm happy to be proven wrong.. but thats the way i see it right now. hmm.
Posted by brooke at 08:28 AM
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Monday, 14 August 06
i'm just trying to get it right.
*sigh* and the semester hasn't even started. oh goddess, i certainly am neurotic.
Posted by brooke at 07:39 PM
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i think i've just realized i'm no longer in eugene, oregon
yep. no longer there. yep. damn i miss it. maybe i'll go home this coming weekend.
Posted by brooke at 02:38 PM
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oh! i waaaaaaaaaaaaant to go!
FTM 2006: A Gender Odyssey -- I would have SO much fun. Seriously. 2 of my friends are going (one of whom is one of my most favourite people in the world!), and ooohh.. I could shop around my project... and... all those sweet ftm's. *happy sigh* damnit, it would just be a blast. *sigh* hmm. if it weren't for AECT, i'd figure out some way to go. its simply killing me that i can't.
Posted by brooke at 08:57 AM
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Sunday, 13 August 06
a search
what a lot of people don't know about me is that i've been on a search for spirituality since i was a pre-teen. my parents didn't raise me in any prescribed religion, and the only exposure i really had, up until my teenage years, to any organized religion was my grandmother's fundamentalist church. we'd go visit her and she'd take us to church. i was young and i didn't know what was being taught, i just went. i didn't have knowledge of questions and spirituality.
when i was 9 my mother got her ph.d. and we moved to a section of town where i became friends with kids my age who went to church. i ended up going to church with them and even joined a group called 'pioneer girls' or something like that because of them. i'm pretty sure it was religious based. but nothing ever really stuck.
fast forward to my undergraduate college years. i went to the episcopal church, it was nice and all, but.. well, it didn't float my boat at all.
fast forward to my last 6 months living in athens, ga. i was introduced to the unitarian universalist fellowship of athens. finally, after all those years of searching, i'd found a home for myself. i became involved with the church, and joined. and i was happy. i was happy that no matter where i went i could find fellow uu's, and that i could have a spiritual identity. whoo hoo!
well, i moved to eugene, joined the church eventually, but didn't really participate. i don't know why, but.. i guess being single and young, and not having a base in my own family.. most of the single folks there were middled aged (re: older than 40). and it was across town.
and then. well, i started doing heart of now, and connecting deeper with myself, and thusly with the world and spirts at large. i actually went to church some after going to heart of now, but i just found it waay to heady for my needs. there is something bigger than me out there, and while being an activist is something important to do, its no longer a way for me to connect to the larger.
see, for a long time i felt that my spiritual calling was my activism. i felt that i was connecting with the greater good through trying to save the world. and, while as an activist, i am connecting with a greater good, that greater good is very concrete.
and now, now i get to where i am today with it all. i'm definetly seeking a connecting to that thing that is greater than me, greater than all of us. and honestly, i feel rather foolish typing these words, but its true. and the weird thing - at least for who i've been all these years -- is that i know it exists. that thing thats bigger than all of us exists. i felt it a notre dame, in these mountains here in utah, on the new river gorge, the parthenon, in baja. how could you go to these places and not know it? and not feel it?
today i went to the cache valley uu. i was seeking a spiritual morning. i thought that because of being in these mountains, surrounded by all these mormons, that they would lean more towards the spiritual.
now, i could get all judgemental and all, but after talking to dad, and getting someone to hear what i felt there, what i know is that what is going on at the cache valley uu is what they need here in cache valley. but its not what i need. not to sound pompous, but i've gotten that. and i know, i'm making judgements on one sermon, and i'll go back to see if its the same again, but i suspect it may be. and thats okay. its not where i am.
i'm tired of this search. i told my father today that i wish i'd been raised in a religion. i wish that i hadn't had too look so much. so much of my life has been self guided, and while i sound like i don't like the struggle of that kind of life, my father reminded me that when my parents did try to guide me, i told them to go away. but even so, i'm tired of the search.
i want to connect with that that is greater than me. i want it defined. i want to have the option to question, or not. i want to feel spiritually full. and again, i feel foolish for saying these things.. it so goes against all that i've been in my life, but the thing is, i know its possible to be who i am and also have a deep connection to that that isn't seen.
there's a lot for me to learn here in utah, there's a lot for me to gain. i'm living in a spiritual place, and i'm around spiritual people all day. maybe, maybe this is the time and place for me to find what i'm looking for. i have thoughts that i came here for something other than a ph.d. and if i didn't? i guess i'll just keep looking. one thing i know about my search is that its made me a better person. yes, i am a better person for not knowing which truth is the best one, for learning, early, that each person holds their own truth, and that truth is only right for that person. i just hope i find mine soon.
Posted by brooke at 12:45 PM
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Saturday, 12 August 06
oh good!
i sent my professor a pathetic email last night about getting stuck on my project. he replied back that i'd done good work finding one of the key problems of our work in less than a week.
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
glad to know i'm doing this right. thanks dw :)
Posted by brooke at 12:36 PM
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Friday, 11 August 06
posting here a lot
i dunno why i'm posting here so much these days.. but i am. i guess its a connection to the outside world? or i'm lonely? or ? who knows.
my life has pretty much been centered around COSL and the work i'm doing there. i'm working on a project to put anti-oppression trainings online in an open courseware setting. i'm still working on the ins and outs, and today i was supposed to send a proposal to the city of eugene human rights commission, but when i got to work i felt a bit tired of working, but then i read an article that i had gotten on inter library loan and got stuck. it didn't help at all. i was planning on reporting to my prof that i'd sent this proposal on, but.. ick. so i'll send my stuckness on and i'm thinking he'll be fine with it.. but i don't like being stuck.
but i am having fun and tommorrow i'm headed down to near Salt Lake with a couple of my COSL collegues to hike near some caves. it'll be nice to get out of the valley (cache not willamette) and see another part of the state. i'm looking forward to it, i only wish i had a camera. *sigh*
my life is definetly centered around COSL and the folks i work with there. i feel very fortunate enough to have landed there for many reasons. its nice to be working with other ph.d. students and to have that support from them - and to support them. and everyone at COSL hangs out with everyone else, so its almost like a little family within the department. and then there's the professor who runs the lab.. he's on vacation, but he's on email as well and answering questions i have about classes and whether to go to AECT. i'll be asking him to be my advisor as soon as possible when he gets on vacation. being a part of COSL is going to make this PhD process a lot easier.
outside of COSL and the department i really don't have much of a life. i'm doing some biking, and watching buffy, and sunday i'll go to the UU church here in town. it'll be nice to meet other folks in logan. but i know that once classes get started i won't have time for much of a life. that and there are 2 conferences within the first 2 months of classes starting -- COSL's conference and then AECT. i wasn't going to go to AECT until my prof said he's never missed it. because he sees the importance, i'll go.
anyhow. buffy is on, and then i should read, and get to bed early because i'm meeting my collegues at 7am. hahahahahahahahahahaha. thats funny and early.
Posted by brooke at 06:14 PM
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Working hard for Our Place
Teens and adults partner to bring teen center to reality
by Terra Williams
At 10 minutes 'til 9 am, Saturday, July 22, I arrive at 10th and Oak with a box of food in my arms. Corey, one of Nuestro Lugar/Our Place Teen Center's newest members, walks with me down Oak Alley. It's 70 degrees and misting. We are thankful to be working before the heat catches up with the day.
Vehicles are parked before the open door of our new home, and we spot John Critelli of Essex Construction by the parking meter, sporting a blue LEAD T-shirt. He shakes our hands and introduces us to his associates and his daughter, Francesca. A crew from Rainbow Valley discusses the work ahead. Inside the 1,008 sq. ft. space lies a pile of bricks. Pipes, rugs and cylinders lie askew on the right side of the building. Brooms and garbage cans also occupy the area, and we head inside, bringing ladders and another garbage can. Shortly after Corey and I begin, Marie arrives with her father, and they immediately clock in. Itziri Moreno and Itahi Diaz, Nuestro Lugar co-coordinators, come in, ready to work.
In the spring of 2005, LEAD (Leadership, Adventure, Education and Direction, a non-profit organization for low-income youth) held a forum at the Eugene Public Library. Adults and teens grouped together and formed lists of specific services and activities people wanted to see inside a teen center. We youth requested a variety of services, but what impressed me the most was that other teens wanted to learn how to empower themselves.
Day in and day out, teens are faced with low expectations. Our opinions not taken seriously, we eventually grow into believing that we have little value and give in to the standards society has awaiting us. I'm speaking from personal experience and observance. Dyed hair, piercings and androgynous clothing style: my physical appearance apparently screams "bad influence." Family members don't appreciate my opinionated side and label it "an attitude."
Teens are a "problem" everywhere. A new invention from England drives "loitering" teens away from businesses. The device, also known as the Mosquito, is a high-pitch frequency wave that only young people can hear; it gives us a headache and sends us away. The frequency maneuver, referred to by some as a human dog whistle, has become wildly popular with business owners across the globe. When I heard it, my headache lasted for 10 minutes. The term "human dog whistle" dehumanizes me and my fellow youth.
Not only am I a teen, but I am also low income. Being low income leaves me with little to do, since almost everything costs. And I'm not alone in that situation; this is what many teens face every day. I'm thankful to have a safe place to go at the end of the day, but some teens don't have that luxury. Seeing our challenges inspires me and gives me a motive to work hard. I want to give teens leadership and positive choices. I want to show everyone what youth are capable of. The other teens at the forum felt the same.
Later that year, the Nuestro Lugar/Our Place Teen Center committee kicked off. We met at Centro LatinoAmericano and formed partnerships with Juventud FACETA (a Latino youth group that focuses on immigrants' rights), and YAB (Youth Action Board, a group of youth that focuses on community issues). The teens and adults met, debated, voted and took everything seriously. Teens spoke their opinions and came to consensus. Youth leadership is what makes this so unique. The youth take the lead, and our adult allies are careful not to push their own ideals upon us. Our respect for each other is sincere.
We decided to begin sending out the word, requesting a home. We forged on to city meetings. I'll never forget our first appearance at the mayor's Sustainable Business Initiative open forum at Kalapuya High. A couple of the Nuestro Lugar teens suggested spreading out to every group. We agreed, and as each group presented its ideas, the majority of the group's speakers were Nuestro Lugar teens, and a teen center was on everyone's top three list. We then attended City Council meetings, promising to return until our needs were met. We held trainings, met with business owners and commissioners and wrote grants, one proposal after the next. We gained partnerships and sponsors.
What we were missing was adult support outside of the social service system. Some adults worried a place that attracted teens would repel business customers. At a safety council meeting, we teens were referred to as "the problem." Some said that teens would slow down the process of the center should we have equal voting power in meetings. I felt that no one was taking us seriously. However, we continued our work. We familiarized ourselves with the City Council, did research and conducted surveys, tightening loose ends. After meeting with us, downtown businessman John Brown and DEI's Russ Brink began to support our efforts. Finally, the city gave us the space behind the Samurai Duck. This was our day to clean it out.
"I'm happy to see the support we have [today]. It's a challenge when people don't believe in us," Itahi Diaz notes after our work is finished for the day. We look at the bare walls and smile. I feel proud. I feel strength in the group and in myself. For the past year, I've laughed during meetings, worked my brain in the office and cried when all felt hopeless. But I know this isn't hopeless. I am proud to work with teens and adults who are dedicated and passionate, challenging society's expectations and bravely stepping up to the challenge. It's these reasons that I stay and work feverishly on such a large project. I might laugh at the next meeting. I might cry. All I know is that we're not finished. Together, we work and tell ourselves that we deserve this. As we say at the end of our meetings, "Todos unidos in Our Place. Together united en Nuestro Lugar."
Terra Williams, a LEAD volunteer and Teen Center fundraising coordinator, is a recent graduate of Churchill Alternative High and plans to major in journalism at the UO. To get involved with LEAD or Nuestro Lugar, go to leadteen.com or call 342-TEEN (8336).
Posted by brooke at 10:53 AM
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say it ain't so ben!
the news out of oregon last night, and today, is that ben westlund has dropped out of the governors race. *sigh* say it ain't so! but it is.
*sigh*
i have some pretty strong opinions about the current governor and his chance to win in november (and they aren't good). i have been known to get up on my soapbox and talk about why i don't think ted can win, but i'm not going to do that right now. i just don't think he can, and i personally believe that my party -- the one that i am a proud member of -- sold us out when they (unofficially, yeah right) supported him in the primary against pete sorenson and jim hill. i think jim edmunsen and neel pender sold us out in the face of fear. fear of doing what was right, fear of retribution? i don't know, i just know that the democrats of oregon got sold out, big time, when the dpo and its partners (NARAL, BRO, OLCV (yes! OLCV supported ted over pete -- who was an environmental lawyer)) got behind ted in the primary.
our country is in a place of fear. its coming out of it, but its still there. for some reason george bush has not been impeached for all the many things he's done (call me a whacky liberal, i don't care, impeach the fucker, he lied to us and is costing our country trillions of dollars, and costing the kind people of iraq thousands of innocent lives), and for some reason he got re-elected. what is that reason? i think its fear. fear not to do the right thing, fear to go into the unknown with a solution that is a better solution but the unknown. *sigh*
its that same fear, i believe, that caused BRO, NARAL, and OLCV not to get behind the man that best represented them, but instead behind the guy in power. TED IS BAD FOR OREGON. he can't win. and now dammit, Ben Westlund is gone. Damnit. Ben gave me hope. I knew that in a state as divided as Oregon, with a bunch of democrats so stuck in fear as Oregonian democrats (btw Neel and Jim -- you can't lead out of fear, and isn't that freakin' obvious?!?), that Ben was a good solution.
Will I be voting for Ted in the fall? Oh fuck no. Oh my god, NO. I'll be writing Ben Westlund in. Why? Because its the right thing to do.
Posted by brooke at 08:19 AM
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Wednesday, 9 August 06
*sigh*
seriously. when am i ever going to stand up and take my own power? i simply don't get it. damn me. hmm hmm. like thats going to help matters.
Posted by brooke at 11:26 PM
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Tuesday, 8 August 06
sick.
this article: Who's responsible for responding to campus hate crimes? in the Eugene Weekly made me sick. According to the article, it isn't David Frohnmayer - president of the University of Oregon - who is responsible.. oh no. You know who is responsible? The victims themselves. Isn't that just sickining? Seriously.
Oregon is a lovely lovely place. I love Eugene, BUT (yes capital BUT) its a very racist city. Yes, lovely little Eugene, Oregon, home of the hippies, is a racist city. In my my last few months as a living-there-resident and not a citizen-living-elsewhere resident I was fortunate enough to get to start working on my own racism. I was even more fortunate to talk to some women in town who have been victims of the racism (they ARE NOT fortunate) that is rampant in my home community. What they told me was was that living in Eugene was worse than being in the south. Oregon is very white and people wonder why. I am getting it more and more. We're (Eugenians, Oregonians, Loganians, Utahites, Aggies, Ducks) racist y'all, and we (Eugenians, Oregonians, Loganians, Utahites, Aggies, Ducks) live in very white communities. In order to be better neighbors, y'all, we gotta deal with our own race stuff, and we've got to be better allies. We who are oppressors must stand up in the face of oppression and demand that it be run at us, not those who are being oppressed. We must learn how to do this, and we must constantly judge ourselves -- not others -- so we can continually become better people. People are leaving Eugene, wonderful, beautiful, talented, kind, generous members of our community, are leaving Eugene because of ignorance, fear (okay Dave Frohnmayer -- WHAT IS IT?)? and we have to do what we can to stem this tide, we have too. Our survival depends on it, our survival as people who believe in what is just, our survivial as peacekeepers and peace demanders, depends on it. Go do it, NOW. I will too.
btw. I send this too the weekly today from work:
Hi Eugene,
I'm sitting here at a desk in Logan, UT (I'm a new Ph.D. student at Utah State Univeristy) catching up on news from home (Eugene) by reading the Weekly. I just read about the racist acts on the University of Oregon campus. I read how the FHS program has stepped up to help its student, and then I read, getting sick to my stomach, about how David Frohnmayer has reacted to the situation. To tell someone how they should protect themselves from these racist acts, and not make a public statement about racism on campus is dispicable. We need to create a community where racist acts are not swept under the rug and responsiblity placed on the shoulders of the victims, and frankly, David Frohnmayer should be taking the lead. I know that there are people in Eugene dealing with their whiteness and their own racism, I know that there is a small community effort to step up and do the right thing, but that effort needs to grow. I love Eugene, I love the fact that I get to tell people that Eugene is my home, but when I read stories like this, I get ashamed. The University of Oregon is a huge part of my Eugene home, and I continually wonder when David Frohnmayer and the administration are going to step up and start creating a hate-free save environment for all members of the University of Oregon and Eugene community? Seriously Dave, stop hiding and do something, people are counting on you.
Brooke
Logan, UT
Posted by brooke at 10:57 PM
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hmm. its really news?!?
"violence is on going in iraq." hmm. thats really news? hmm. interesting.
Posted by brooke at 07:03 AM
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Monday, 7 August 06
fuckin' a.
tommorrow better be better than today. or re: maybe the glow has worn off and my fears about my first semester as a ph.d. student have kicked in and thats just simply ruined my mood.
hmm. this much work reading and classes haven't even started. fuck me. maybe the anticipation will be worse than the actual doing.. goddess i hope so.
Posted by brooke at 10:25 PM
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shit.
like i needed to worry about anything else. damnit fuck.
Posted by brooke at 10:48 AM
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Sunday, 6 August 06
buffy, et al.
did y'all know that buffy just ROCKS? seriously.. i got season 6 on dvd so that i could watch the musical, and i gotta say, i now get it.. i mean, when i was going to xena / buffy night at k and j's place i was watching it just for the fun of their company, but now.. holy fucker, i'm hooked. and i've got firefly -- apparently another joss whedon creation -- at the top of my netflix queue, along with more buffy and angel. its good stuff and a good way to turn the brain off after doing i.t. stuff. if i don't turn the brain off at night, i simply won't be able to do this.
but that said. i'm reading to pretty interesting books right now. 'the social life of information' and 'code and other laws of cyberspace.' the first one i'm about 1/2 way through, the other i just started tonight. the social life of information talks about knowledge and information as it relates to how people interact. i guess i have a bigger facination with how we interact than i thought i did. this book lays out how we process, vs the various institutions that we find ourselves in, and how information is passed, used, and acted with and upon. the second book - code - is about how cyberspace is regulated, or isn't - and how it will be in the future. it says there's a section on open source later on in the book, i guess i should really look through the book first to find that section - because i'm particuluarly interested in it. open source is the nature of my new work, i guess its why i do what i do, and really fits my values of how the world should work. i'm definetly looking forward to that chapter.
anyhow. i know i'll get tired soon, but i'm really enjoying the glow of all this new thinking and learning. once classes start i'll probably get sick of learning and all this stuff, and crave to spend even more time watching buffy than i am now.. but that may not happen. i actually hope not.
on another note. the cats are really enjoying it here. it was hard to give up lily and smudge, but life with just 2 cats is a hell of a lot easier. this combination of ava and max is perfect. max is the big ol' alpha cat, but have has no problems harrasing him as much as he harrasses her (in this moment they are duking it out big time. i hope its play, because i'm having a lot of fun watching it.)
Posted by brooke at 09:47 PM
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Saturday, 5 August 06
my mind's a movin'.
interesting. i got to talk to my friend p today about this project that i'm starting to work on here in utah. she's very excited about it, and the potentials of it. we talked about a lot of stuff, including somehow connecting it to the work she's currently doing with a study group (i'd already emailed the woman who's leading the group and mentioned that), and even once it gets up online, taking it to her work place. it was great to hear her reaction to it 'this kind of stuff online FOR FREE.' yeah my friend, thats what its all about. thats why i came here to do this work.
i feel fortunate to have my friends back home (in eugene). i know them because of the work we all do, so as i'm thinking about this project, when i think about contacting people in oregon, its not just calling strangers, or calling friends who don't know much, its me calling my friends who know this stuff, and who are potential end users. i love that. i feel so lost here in utah, not sure how all this works, hoping that i do this right (even though i was told its okay to make mistakes). its comforting to get on the phone or dash off an email to someone and know that i don't have to worry about getting my foot in the door with them, because its already there. thats a nice thing.
okay. i'll stop babbling. i've been watching the buffy musical over and over, because i love the songs.. time to go on to the next episode.
Posted by brooke at 08:49 PM
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contemplating
i'm at work today. i don't have any friends to hang out yet with in town on the weekends (sad sigh. but note, i'm freakin' exhausted, insominia has kicked in with the change of LIFE), so i'm working right now.
what is it that i'm contemplating? is it possible to make trainings about various types of oppression safe in an open courseware environment (like educommons)? safe being: often times when people start recognizing themselves as oppressors, they tend to get defensive and have other negative emotions, and in an environment like the internet, where anonymity is pretty easy ('no one knows you are a dog') to maintain, it is sometimes easier to strike out and run. is it possible to create safety in an open courseware environment (here's usu's open courseware site). is it even necessary? is this kind of use of knowledge sharing such that the safety issue wouldn't need to be addressed? and then there's the question of meaningful change within the person going through the trainings. as my prof pointed out to me yesterday, meaningful discussions are possible over the internet -- very possible, afterall, abigail and john adams carried out very meaningful discussions on paper, when mail took a lot longer to deliver than it does now -- but another question i have is what motivates a person to want to face tough stuff within themselves? i know why i did, because i'm a masochist? ha!, but why do others? and would the trainings be used in the meaningful way they are ment to be used in? and would it lessen the power of the project if they didn't? and who would they be? and has somethign like what i want to do already been done? maybe the folks here at COSL already know answers to some of these questions, but i don't know any of the answers. so thats why i'm at work, instead of at home napping, where i'd really should be -- trying to find someway to turn the brain off, so i can get some rest.
Posted by brooke at 02:53 PM
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woot!
i have connection at home! ha! didn't think that would ever freakin' happen! whoohoo.
going to see some band tonight, that apparently hippie types will be at. and tommorrow i'll go check out the uu church. good. create a life outside the lab. yeah. dig-it, its important for my sanity.
Posted by brooke at 11:04 AM
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Thursday, 3 August 06
and more.
i'm trying to ground before i write a couple of paragraphs about projects that i'm going to propose that i work on here at the lab i'm working in. i've been on sort of an adrenaline rush since this morning after my conversation with the fellow who runs the lab. i'm very excited about what it looks like i could do, and after a couple of conversations with friends, i'm even more excited. i think. i have 2 books sitting here that i have to read. ha! (maybe i shouldn't have asked?!?)
anyhow. after the conversation today, i know i ended up in the right place. for those of you who may have played along a year ago, i wrote, maybe, some about georgia (it was my first choice). when i didn't get in, i was sad, for about 24 hours. when i put it all in perspective it was all good, and now that i'm here, i know its even better. if i'd gotten into georgia i may not have come here to check this out. glad i did. hmm. i guess there's a lesson there, eh? there's always a lesson. ya gotta really read the whole book? hmm. i don't like that one. nonetheless. i'm happy i'm here.
Posted by brooke at 03:56 PM
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hey!
i'm not sure how many of you read this blog.. but just in case there are readers out there. it's been a long week. exciting at times, frustrating at others. sad moments too. i've moved. anyhow, i wrote the following on tuesday the 1st. after my first day here. i'll add another entry about the last 24 hours maybe just now, maybe later.
1 August, 2006
My first thought about this whole Ph.D. thing is that it feels like I’ve gotten to ‘the big show’ as my kayaking coach, and bull durham, referred to the big leagues of baseball and races like worlds and even bigger the Olympics. I grew up in academia. My mother got this degree when I was 9, my dad a professor, and all my aunts and uncles, well, Ph.D.s as well. Its not that I have never envisioned myself as a PhD. Student, but what I have felt is that college really didn’t start till I got here.
Its been a long 24 hours since I got here in Logan. It’s been a long week since the last one. I’ve been anticipating getting here, looking forward to today, but now that I’m here, I wish time hadn’t gone by so fast. I miss my friends, I miss Eugene, but most importantly I miss the familiar. I’ve got Eugene wired. I don’t have to think about much when it comes to every day tasks, or driving places, or or or.. anything. But here everything is so unfamiliar. I don’t know where anything is, I have to think to even to the daily tasks. But, I know it’ll get easier, I know that. I’m excited to be around people who have a similar vision of technology. I’m excited to be around people who using computers is second nature. I know that as time goes by, as I get in to a routine, as I start to find people that I can share a cup of coffee with and share my deepest fears about this new challenge, things will get easier.
I wish I could explain the behind the scenes emotion I’m having about this whole PhD thing. When I think about it, I think that I could actually make my dreams come true – professionally. I’m not sure what those dreams exactly look like, but its something about world change, ending oppression, doing something truly great, maybe I can do it. I need to dig incredibly deep and find the resources within me, but I think they are there. I hope they are there, and I hope I can explain this better as the weeks move forward.
I am incredibly sad to leave Eugene. I love some of those people so much. Their lack of being in my life on a daily basis is more than noticeable. I need them. But I guess I needed to leave because maybe my dreams can’t come true there in Eugene, maybe it was just in Eugene that the seeds were planted. Everything happens for a reason, I try to hold close to that, in moments when I question what I’m doing here on my own again, I’ll do my best to remember that. It’s a new life I’m leading, and I’m incredibly grateful for it. Maybe in this life all my dreams can come true, maybe they can.
Posted by brooke at 03:51 PM
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