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Saturday, 26 August 06 :: i certainly don't think or hope i'm not the only one

yep. i'm looking at the content that i hope i get to take to a group of people who could really benefit from it, and i'm thinking about how i'll do this, and you know -- if i were at home i'd feel a lot more confident in presenting this stuff, but now.. now with this whole ph.d.. thing hanging over it, and wanting to publish and present on the work of taking this to them, well.. the added pieces to it all simply make me terrified. and shit. this is a phd program and i'm supposed to be all tough and stuff. oh holy hell, i am so not tough at all. i'm all about emotions and crap and just letting them be. oh holy hell. i am so not going to survive this. oh holy hell.

first day of classes is monday. pro-sem is on the docket for the day. pro-sem -- 2 semesters of all the profs in the dept having us spend 3 weeks each learning all about their research. yeah, i'm looking forward to hearing about some of it, but others.. not really.

and i have this need to be a superstar in the department. holy hell. i was kind of a star at home, and before i left i got pumped with all this 'you are so great' crap, and unfortunately i believed it. yeah, i don't think i chose the right time to get an ego. i'd rather be incredibly humble and just listen to as much as possible and just soak up everything around me instead of making stupid comments about how things should be because i know everything, because afterall my friends told me i know everything. *blargh*

i'm absolutely terrified of screwing up. yeah. holy hell.

posted by brooke at August 26, 2006 10:56 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.