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Sunday, 13 August 06 ::
a search
what a lot of people don't know about me is that i've been on a search for spirituality since i was a pre-teen. my parents didn't raise me in any prescribed religion, and the only exposure i really had, up until my teenage years, to any organized religion was my grandmother's fundamentalist church. we'd go visit her and she'd take us to church. i was young and i didn't know what was being taught, i just went. i didn't have knowledge of questions and spirituality.
when i was 9 my mother got her ph.d. and we moved to a section of town where i became friends with kids my age who went to church. i ended up going to church with them and even joined a group called 'pioneer girls' or something like that because of them. i'm pretty sure it was religious based. but nothing ever really stuck.
fast forward to my undergraduate college years. i went to the episcopal church, it was nice and all, but.. well, it didn't float my boat at all.
fast forward to my last 6 months living in athens, ga. i was introduced to the unitarian universalist fellowship of athens. finally, after all those years of searching, i'd found a home for myself. i became involved with the church, and joined. and i was happy. i was happy that no matter where i went i could find fellow uu's, and that i could have a spiritual identity. whoo hoo!
well, i moved to eugene, joined the church eventually, but didn't really participate. i don't know why, but.. i guess being single and young, and not having a base in my own family.. most of the single folks there were middled aged (re: older than 40). and it was across town.
and then. well, i started doing heart of now, and connecting deeper with myself, and thusly with the world and spirts at large. i actually went to church some after going to heart of now, but i just found it waay to heady for my needs. there is something bigger than me out there, and while being an activist is something important to do, its no longer a way for me to connect to the larger.
see, for a long time i felt that my spiritual calling was my activism. i felt that i was connecting with the greater good through trying to save the world. and, while as an activist, i am connecting with a greater good, that greater good is very concrete.
and now, now i get to where i am today with it all. i'm definetly seeking a connecting to that thing that is greater than me, greater than all of us. and honestly, i feel rather foolish typing these words, but its true. and the weird thing - at least for who i've been all these years -- is that i know it exists. that thing thats bigger than all of us exists. i felt it a notre dame, in these mountains here in utah, on the new river gorge, the parthenon, in baja. how could you go to these places and not know it? and not feel it?
today i went to the cache valley uu. i was seeking a spiritual morning. i thought that because of being in these mountains, surrounded by all these mormons, that they would lean more towards the spiritual.
now, i could get all judgemental and all, but after talking to dad, and getting someone to hear what i felt there, what i know is that what is going on at the cache valley uu is what they need here in cache valley. but its not what i need. not to sound pompous, but i've gotten that. and i know, i'm making judgements on one sermon, and i'll go back to see if its the same again, but i suspect it may be. and thats okay. its not where i am.
i'm tired of this search. i told my father today that i wish i'd been raised in a religion. i wish that i hadn't had too look so much. so much of my life has been self guided, and while i sound like i don't like the struggle of that kind of life, my father reminded me that when my parents did try to guide me, i told them to go away. but even so, i'm tired of the search.
i want to connect with that that is greater than me. i want it defined. i want to have the option to question, or not. i want to feel spiritually full. and again, i feel foolish for saying these things.. it so goes against all that i've been in my life, but the thing is, i know its possible to be who i am and also have a deep connection to that that isn't seen.
there's a lot for me to learn here in utah, there's a lot for me to gain. i'm living in a spiritual place, and i'm around spiritual people all day. maybe, maybe this is the time and place for me to find what i'm looking for. i have thoughts that i came here for something other than a ph.d. and if i didn't? i guess i'll just keep looking. one thing i know about my search is that its made me a better person. yes, i am a better person for not knowing which truth is the best one, for learning, early, that each person holds their own truth, and that truth is only right for that person. i just hope i find mine soon.
posted by brooke at August 13, 2006 12:45 PM
