« June 2006 |
main
| August 2006 »
Wednesday, 26 July 06
yes. i'm still here.
yep. struggling in my last few days here at home in eugene. the cat thing. who stays, who goes? fuckity fuck fuck fuck. but i'm looking forward to the decision being made and me taking off over the mountains towards logan. yes. i really am looking forward to the adventures that await me there.
i went to heart of now last weekend. nothing profound, but many touching moments. yes, many many. yes. i need to learn to count my blessings rather than dwell in the hard moments. i am a lucky lucky woman with many people that love me. thank you to those who i got to share those moments with. i have a necklace around my neck that will remind me of those. i love you all. yes, i do.
the truck is here. packing it tommorrow. maybe life gets easier? i hope so. anyhow.
i'm still alive, just gearing up. trying to see and hug as many people as possible.
seen at the peace vigil today:
Posted by brooke at 06:29 PM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 20 July 06
a funny response
my friend k, upon hearing that i'd been reading the guide to my ph.d. program at night said:
"never read that at night. and don't do it alone either."
-good advice sweet k. thanks :)
Posted by brooke at 01:17 AM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 19 July 06
i should be asleep
i'm up late just looking at usu stuff.
*sigh*
i start my job at cosl 2 weeks from today.
*sigh*
i'm excited about what the future holds, but at the same time i don't want to leave my friends (or 2 of my cats) here. leaving my cats is heart breaking, leaving my friends is scary.
*sigh*
and..
shhhh.
i'm worried if i can pull this off.
yes. that book, that guide to the ph.d. program, it frightens me.
hmm.
yeah.
i'm going to logan, ut, to put myself through this? i must have some kind of masochism complex, eh?
seriously. this better be fun. at least some of the time. and i hope to laugh. a lot. *sigh* i won't survive this without lots of laughter.
*sigh*
have i mentioned, i'm going to miss my friends?
*sigh*
but, honestly, i think its better to be worried than to be cocky. its a sign of humility. maybe. or. who knows.
what i do know is that friday night i go out to see friends. heart of now friends. and do a dig of my soul. hmm. should be a good weekend. i hope.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 01:34 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 17 July 06
packing and heart break
i'm packing. a lot. yeah. tonight it was 6.5 hours of it. packing and cleaning and packing and cleaning some more. i felt proud of myself that i was able to dig through those moments of wanting to stop and find a new enthusiasm. i've not been able to do that in the past, normally i would just quit when i got tired, but these days i just push through, and it feels nice to get things done. so, i'm closer than i was, but i still have a number of hours left to go. i'll do some tommorrow night after the white privilage workshop and then wednesday night as well. thursday is xena night, so i won't be doing any then.. and then heart of now.
---
and i'm looking forward to all of this. but i'm dealing with heart break. 2 of my 4 cats won't be coming with me, and that is awfully sad. and they won't be leaving me until the 28th, which sucks a lot. i don't like this heart thing, them being here and yet not be able to think of my future with them. no, i don't like it one bit. its hard on my heart to continue to love them fully when i know i have to uproot their lives and send them someplace so unfamiliar (the humane society). but i work on trying to look at the positive, rather than the negative. i'll be taking 2 with me and those 2 will be joy. yes, lots of joy, because thats what living with these animals bring me. lots of lots of joy. (for the most part, except when they throw up or i have to clean their litter box out).
---
i'm looking forward to the course this weekend. i've not been out to a full course in a number of months. and i'm looking forward to seeing old friends. yes, and loving them with great abound. yes. lots of hugging.
--
anyhow, i have heart of now homework to finish.
Posted by brooke at 11:27 PM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 13 July 06
yea, go me!
i got an award at work today! yeah. i'm the adult reciepient of the heart of LEAD award. 'for embodying the vision and heart of LEAD.' yeah. go me! hahahahaha. (i'm taking a NOT humble moment right now) .. when i first got it i wasn't that excited, but as the night has worn on, i've gotten more and more excited about it. very very proud of myself. (and truly touched and honoured)
Posted by brooke at 11:19 PM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 12 July 06
this and that
i'm in the process of filling out yet another heart of now questionaire. yep, i'm going to go put myself through the process of being a student in the course, yet again. i seem to do this a lot. why am i doing this to myself so soon before i leave? i want to be waited on hand and foot. huh? yes. i expect to be waited on hand AND foot. seriously. i expect back rubs, my meals made FOR me (not BY me), people to hold me if i cry, and people to laugh with me when (not IF) i laugh. i also hope to deal with some fear issues that i have about this move, and some sadness also attached to the move. its going to be good stuff and i look forward to spending a weekend with old friends and making new ones as well.
---
its a crazy time at LEAD right now. i've got so much going on you'd think I didn't have just a short time left there. but today was a good day. i got the final draft of a $27,000 grant i'm writing sent to final draft readers (big boss chick, teen center co-coordinators) and that feels really good. i also finished a lot of stuff for the end of year celebration, and i got notice in my email that i've secured a donation for an incredibly powerful fundraising database. assistant director and i are going to sit down next week and see about uploading data into it. i wish i were going to be here longer, becaus i'd really like to spend time teaching assistant director how to use it. but i'm not, and so i imagine i'll be spending time from afar helping her with things. anyhow, it felt good to get those 2 things done.
----
anything else? i'm still doing these bike rides at night. i hope that i can find a nice place to do these evening rides in logan, as i really do notice a change in my mental state after i go on them. i'm able to process a lot and sort though things. i'm even finding that evenings that i don't want to go out, i get myself to go out. i never regret it, even if its just for a short ride like tonight -- a short loop to alton baker and back. in the rain, but that didn't bother me at all. i'm an oregonian (moving to utah) i love the rain!
Posted by brooke at 12:18 AM
| comments (0)
Friday, 7 July 06
agh.
i have so much stuff to do. i mean, a shit load of stuff. around my apartment and for LEAD, and yet i've not accomplished ANY of it today. damn i'm kinda ticked at myself right now.
Posted by brooke at 08:32 PM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 6 July 06
thoughts
its been a day, and i am glad its over. i encountered some difficult situations and had some pretty big emotions about it all. this move is stressful and each day it just seems to become a bit more and more and more. i keep thinking it all must be for a reason. and i am also thinking that i do not have it as hard as some people do. i read blogs like the one that the parents of christi thomas write to keep friends / loved ones and perfect strangers just like me updated about christi's fight with neuroblastoma and i know that really, the decisions i make about this move are pretty small compared. i know, we shouldn't compare, but we can put things in perspective. today as i thought about the decisions i had to make today, thinking about christi's parents and the grace by which they go about their lives while making literally life and death decisions made my day a little less hard. i know all that sounds cliche and stuff, but sometimes cliche lessons can really make a point. thanks thomas team, really, thank you.
otherwise, other than all that i took another bike ride under the oregon moon. i am getting really attached to that moon these days. its absolutely beautiful. and tonight there was a sunset and lyle lovett's voice coming from cuthbert amiptheatre. who knew that a girl could dance on her bike? i didn't know till tonight. what a nice discovery to make. *happy sigh*
i'm anticipating this move more and more. while i'm sad to leave my friends, and a bit scared and worried about this next adventure, i have some excitement. i got to talk to my friend j yesterday about education stuff, and it was a nice reminder what i'm going to go do. j and i are going to go hiking and as she put it -- keep talking about all that fun stuff. thanks sweet j, thanks for the reminder about what i get to go study. fun stuff. yeah. i've got adventures ahead of me. adventures in a beautiful part of the country. hmm. gotta wonder -- what do the wasatch mountains look like lit up by a full moon? *smile* aren't i a lucky girl? i get to go find out.
Posted by brooke at 11:38 PM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 2 July 06
going to church today
i'm going to the church of latter day saints today with a friend of mine who happens to be an lds member. why am i going? well, the imeptus was this whole moving to utah thing. i didn't really believe how big the lds church was there until i opened up the logan yellow pages. there are a lot of lds churches simply in the small college town of logan utah. after that i got it. the lds church is pretty big in utah, and i know for a fact i'm going to be working with a few, if not many, mormons. i want to understand the culture just a bit better.
another reason for me to go is to try to understand people better. i mean, if you were to line me up with my friend, and i have an idea many members of her church, it really wouldn't appear that we are very different, but my social - political views, and the fact that i have been so very active in moving my views forward, do make us somewhat different. a little known secret about me is that i spend a lot of time trying to understand people who have such different political views as i do, and even more so, people who have such different social views. sometimes i take it on almost like a scientific study. i know, it sounds bad and judgemental, but the root of my curiousity is simply trying to create an understanding so that i don't feel so seperate, so that i can find a place of commonality. now, in doing this, would i like folks who see the world so differently than i change their views so that they are more inclined to believe like me? well, awhile ago i would have answered that with a resounding yes, but now.. well, maybe i've simply moved closer to the center, or maybe.. i dunno, but now its really about not changing political views but rather understanding them so that when i do approach them maybe we can find space of common respect and understanding.
and i think thats the underlying reason for attending church with my friend today, really walking this talk that i do about respecting everyone, no matter what i or they may believe. now, i have an idea that i've made people around me rather uncomfortable with the very firm stance i've taken, especially since this whole utah thing popped up, about stopping people in their strides as they start dissing on the mormons and conservatives and respecting them even though they may not respect me. and because of this i really need to dive in and see the culture from the inside out. one take on it is that i'm doing a scientific study -- 'tell me what its like!' -- said a couple of friends.. but really, thats not what its about, and i'm not sure how much 'reporting' i'll do.. really what its about is simply going to church and sunday school with my friend and opening my heart to what is there. i'm sure everyone will be super nice, and i hope, even with my extreme fatigue (couldn't get to sleep till late, had to get up early to take a friend to the train), that i will be super nice and attentive.
---
update. so, i didn't end this mornings entry very well. anyhow, that said. i went to church -- 3 hours of it. i thought i'd be tired through out, i thought i'd be looking at my watch waiting for it to end.. but i didn't. i was thouroughly moved. i mean, truly, fully moved. what they've got going on at the lds church is pretty good stuff.. now, i'll admit -- i don't agree with anti-queer stuff, and i don't know what to make about the whole prophet thing.. but you know, thats okay, i don't need to believe everything someone believes. its okay. there are other spiritual places i can go...
.. what i do know though, and i actually said this, is that we really are all alike. i mean, not 100%, but we're more alike than people think. i sat there and listened to people talk about struggles with the same things i struggle with. i heard them talk about spirituality in ways that totally jived with me. it was pretty cool. i'm terribly glad i went. thank you sweet and kind s, thank you so much.
Posted by brooke at 11:06 AM
| comments (0)
Saturday, 1 July 06
amazing.
its simply amazing how much of a difference in the mindset a nice ride on the bike can make. didn't go too far, but far enough. sweet.
Posted by brooke at 12:19 AM
| comments (0)
