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Saturday, 19 August 06 ::
this journal
i've been writing in this space a lot, simply because it is my journal. yes, i am one of those bloggers who blogs about the stuff going on in her heart, rather than the stuff going on in life. i don't know how people feel about it, but thats just what it turns out to be. a conversation with myself, and maybe a conversation with other people as well. i don't know, because i don't get emails from folks, and i think i've got comments turned off because of spam, and because i'm too lazy to upgrade moveable type to a more spam unfriendly version. or to find another blogging software.
anyhow. the last few weeks have been a struggle of ups and downs, and i appreciate what this space has become. i type it and it goes out there to the ethers, and i can let it go, for the most part. i can let most of it go, and thats good. its an important process.
so, what will this space be as i move forward with my doctoral career? it will be what it is right now -- my own space for myself. for the side of myself that exists because if it didn't i wouldn't be where i am today, i'd have died 5 years ago. yeah. anyhow, that piece is another story for another day, but its something i live with -- not every day -- but just something i live with.
maybe i'll start another blog when, and if, my brain becomes so ensconced in instrutional technology that i.t. is all i think about. frankly, i hope that doesn't happen, i hope i don't loose sight of who i am. i came here because of my own interest in how i tick, because i wonder how i became motivated, and why i do what i do, with the hopes that as i research and learn about my own interests that i can apply that to something beyond me for the greater good. i came here seeking something that eugene can't give me. i came here.. i don't know all the reasons i came here, but nonetheless, as life in logan slowly envelopes me i hope i keep sight of who i am and what makes me tick. and hopefully thats what this journal of mine will do.
i'm definetly happier than i have been in a long time. and thats a pretty amazing thought, because this is hard here. i don't feel like i've got my feet underneath me, and unless i know for sure that i know someone's got my back, its hard to feel solid ground beneath me.. but nonetheless, after a day of sad self-reflection i find myself bouncing back with lots of laughter, and goofy pig tails. i hope that if i face failure here, that i'm able to bounce back, i'm able to pick it up, look at it, and figure out how to move past that failure. but what i hope i experience here is not failure, but rather small problems that cause me to change my thinking, that i have to pick up and remould so that the piece fits better into the larger picture.
anyhow, i've lost sight of why i started this entry. hmm. oh yeah, i'm writing a lot here, because this is my outlet. its not about keeping record of who i am or where i was on a particular day anymore, its about having feelings and releasing them. i no longer have the comfy container of Heart of Now once a month to do that in, so this becomes my space to breathe in, to release it. and i'll tell ya -- it does feel better when i write here, when i release it into the ethers. and will all that garner more readers? i don't know, and frankly, i'm not sure how much i care. i just know that this space has become far more important now that i'm in logan than it ever was in eugene. for those of you who are reading this, thank you.
and now, now i'm off to take care of myself a bit today. i'm going to make tofu jerky, cause its good for me, and because i find that i'm able to connect with something kinda deep when i nuture myself with good food.
posted by brooke at August 19, 2006 11:01 AM
