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Thursday, 30 June 05
on the eve.
i won't believe that we're doing it till we get in the car.. okay.. till they say 'okay, give us your $'.. okay.. maybe till we're about to go.. or.. we're about to take that step.. or.. maybe i won't believe we did it.
tommorrow i may just get to fulfill a dream i have only gotten to have in my dreams.. late at night in the deepest recesses of my mind, at the peak of the REM cycle.. until i remembered my dream, i was nervous.. but not now. now, now.. well, in this moment, i can't wait to take that step.
i hope i feel that way tommorrow too.
Posted by brooke at 03:24 PM
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Wednesday, 29 June 05
much better
today was much better.
yeah.
---
long day tommorrow.
tabling 10-1
work @ office 1.30 - 3
coffee w/a friend 3.
meet with intern 5 - 7
equality network meeting 7-9.
--
friday is a mystery.
walk @ 7.30 (AM) w/ p.
meet s @ 9.
collect signatures sometime in the afternoon / evening.
--
this weekend is hell. next weekend is the fair. the weekend after that is HoN. i pick up ma on monday in seattle and we go play in canada for a few days together. YEAH. can't wait for that.
Posted by brooke at 11:23 PM
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i hate qwest.
to make me talk to a fucking computer when i've been up with a headache..
AND BTW.
R_____________________ IS MY LAST NAME. ITS IN THE LAST NAME FIELD, ISN'T IT?????????? I DON'T CARE IF IT LOOKS LIKE A FIRST NAME.
Idiots. FUCKING Idiots.
oh yeah. today is going to be another banner day.
Posted by brooke at 09:35 AM
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Tuesday, 28 June 05
today has whipped my butt.
a nightmare day. long. my new job is hard, and i simply do not understand some things.
--
i've had the worst headache ever, ever. a migraine, took 4 execdrin migraine tablets over the day. nada. and yes, my dinner didn't stay down. i currently have a belly full of water in hopes that the big problem is dehydration.. but my body is threatening to undrink it. :P i'll probably be peeing a lot through the night.
--
i'm currently debating as to whether i should go skydiving this friday, or maybe being a student in july at heart of now. i'm exhausted, and while i want to go out there, i'm not sure if i'll have it in me to serve for the weekend. *sigh* i'm having to do a lot of serving and cheering on of people in my job, i'm not sure if i can do it out there. but then again, maybe i'll learn better how to get my needs met out there as an assistant..
hmm.. i wonder who's assisting? maybe a is assisting again?? that would be nice. i need to email her. i've thought fondly of her over the last couple of weeks and know that she helped to make the experience the positive experience that it was. i'll definetly miss her if she's not there in july.
---
maybe its time for bed? maybe tommorrow will bring something better. *sigh* i hope what t said today about it not being about incompetence that things aren't happening. I REALLY hope so...
Posted by brooke at 08:32 PM
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i did not expect.
to have this emotional crap tonight. this afternoon, yes.. but tonight - no. i expected to laugh a lot. i expected to talk and dance.. but i did not expect major emotional crap.
yes. i just want them all to like me. i want to connect deeply with all of them. i want to cuddle with most of them. i want them all to like me.
--
signature collecting tommorrow. i now have an intern. this means that i'll have to be way more on my stuff now that i'm responsible for not just me. it will be nice to have the help, but the responsibility is pretty big.
--
i gotta get over this crush. found out that he's going to be a student in july, and i will be an assistant. its really getting in my way. i wrote him an email. i'll send it in the morning. i hope. i'd rather tell him in person, cause what i'd really like is that after i make a fool out of myself, that he gives me one of those reassuring-that-i'm-not-a-big-idiot hugs that he's so good at giving.
Posted by brooke at 01:13 AM
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Sunday, 26 June 05
dad, cancer and independence.
"some people have the illness, survive the illness, and never want to talk about it." ~ lance armstrong on cancer..
i suspect that that is my father. my father has the illness, but doesn't like to talk about it. he deals with it, but he doesn't dwell in it. he takes his stuff, sees his docs, but isn't an activist. if he survives it, goddess willing he does, he'll probably just walk away from it, taking with it its lessons, but not talk about its impacts on him ever again.
thats my dad. and i respect that. and i love him. and i hope that at least he'll share with me the lessons he learns along the way. i want to know how his body is, but the lessons he learns are far more important. these are adult lessons, and i hope he'll share with me some of the things he's learning in this class, that he'll show me the syllabus and expand on it just a bit.
----
this summer dad is going to have radiation. he'll go to c'ville and get it. he'll stay with his brother-in-law for the 10 days he'll be getting his treatment. it has sort of occured to me to offer to go home and be with him during the treatment -- if he needs it, but then it occured to me -- he's my dad.
huh?
i don't get my independence just from my mom. listening to my dad deal with this new challenge in his life i hear that introvert, that want to be normal, that independent streak. i'll do it on my own. maybe i'll tell you about it, maybe i won't. yeah, he's my dad and if i were him and i didn't *need* someone to be around, i wouldn't want anyone around. we'll ask you for what we need and tell you what we want to tell you, but we can do it on our own.
its a comforting thought to realize how much dad and i are alike. its nice to see how much we are alike in being our own people.
---
psst. dad. i love you.
Posted by brooke at 07:49 PM
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Saturday, 25 June 05
my conversation with max
max: *lick* *lick* *lick*
me: hi maxie
max: *lick* *lick* *lick*
me: come here, *pet* *pet*
max: *lick* *lick* *lick*
me: y'all are so comfy with me, you just continue to bathe as i pet you. now come here. *pick up max*
max: YOU BITCH
me: maxie, funny cat.
max: YOU BITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE.
me: maxie. sweetie boy
max: YOU BITCH!! I SAID PUT ME DOWN, LEAVE ME ALONE.
me: *kiss* i love you maxie.
max: YOU BITCH!!! PUT ME DOWN. LEAVE ME ALONE, OR I WILL EAT YOU.
me: sweetie boy. okay. *put max down*
max: YOU BITCH. Pet me.
Posted by brooke at 09:43 PM
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terribly angry
frankly that school board campaign, it happened because someone couldn't handle any pain. the result? a lot of people in pain. in this moment in time i am pissed at 3 people because of all the crap that happened during that campaign, and it wasn't even my campaign, and i took great distance from it. people lying, people manipulating, people acting like assholes. frankly, i'm sick of it all. i wish i didn't have to deal with these 3 people anymore. one i almost don't, another i'm going to get rid of except for in discussions about office sharing, the third.. the third isn't that easy to get rid of. but, i am going to talk to him about his behavior. if he doens't stop it, i'm going to do everything i can to rid him from my life as well.
okay, time to go be perky. gotta deal with volunteers and beg people to sign petitions.
Posted by brooke at 09:04 AM
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Friday, 24 June 05
i just realized the time
i have a meeting in 25 minutes, i'm not dressed. i don't know what i'll wear. luckily its at CALC, and its close, and casual.
i'm heading up to fall creek today. i have a hiking date with a friend at 1. a friend i adore, but don't spend much time with because we are both very busy. first we'll stop by sweet life to pick up something good.. and then we'll head out for a hike, and maybe i'll soak in the creek some. i can't wait.. not only to get out of the city again, but also to spend time with my friend.
Posted by brooke at 09:35 AM
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Wednesday, 22 June 05
good and bad.
it was a good day today. for the most part.
and i just had this whole entry thought out.. and i lost it.
i got to go out to lost valley today, and i might get to do more than just work on their website. they need help with some kitchen shifts during some of their other workshops, and being that i enjoyed working in the kitchen, i said i'd help when they need it. i'll be glad to get out of the city and to be out there connecting with other lvec folks. i wouldn't do kitchen work for a full time job, but to pitch in and be able to help pay for assisting and studenting, i'm glad to do it.
after i left lost valley i headed up to fall creek, out just past clark creek campground. i needed to walk, i needed to move, and there is a nice trail there. granted, i'm out of shape, but i've been in much worse shape than i am now. i just need to make sure that i move more, that i don't just stand around and collect signatures. i love being outside out of the city, and i want to commit to doing that more. oregon is an incredibly beautiful place.
before i went to lvec, though, i stopped in and talked to a friend. at some point he and i need to sit down to clarify some things. frankly the behavior of a during that situation, in my mind, is inexcusable right now. she deliberately didn't tell me things because she knew what she was doing was wrong... when women talk as much as we were during that time, when one gets together with someone they tend to tell each other. sorry g but a did not tell me about you. she knew i'd react badly. so, i was deceived and manipulated, and i have every right, if i had wanted to, NOT to stick my neck out and get her that s.o. pass. don't take that fatherly disapproving tone with me EVER AGAIN. i'm sick of it, and its very judgemental. i suggest you take your judgements and look at your own behavior -- i'm looking at my own. god. so many people think you are so easy to talk to, so many people think you are so evolved.. oh yeah, "why don't you talk to g about that? he does this and he does that, i saw his process." well, be me and they'll understand that you can't be talked too.... oh and one more thing.. knock a off that pedestal, she hurt a lot of people in her wake. i'm glad she's not coming.
and back. to the good stuff. heart of now practice group tonight. i love the hon women, but these days, i love those hon men even more. i love the safety in their being. i love curling up with them, and looking into their eyes. i know, i know, they all have faults, but in that hon space, they are good men who i feel safe with. even k. yes, even k, in all is wackiness and bad boundaries, i feel safe with and warm being held by. *sigh* i would so like to have one to curl up with every night.
Posted by brooke at 10:34 PM
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Monday, 20 June 05
i feel like
i'm just barely doing enough to keep my head above water. damn.
Posted by brooke at 11:11 PM
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3 bitches.
1) i'm not sleeping well these days.
2) i'm sick of all this rain. it makes for crappy signature collecting AND crappy bike riding.
3) 105 being closed -- it is a royal pain in the ass.
Posted by brooke at 08:27 AM
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Saturday, 18 June 05
burned out.
yes. that is what i am. burned out.
why did it take me so long to figure this out?
Posted by brooke at 11:50 PM
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Friday, 17 June 05
busily processing
i'm still processing a lot of stuff. i'm spending a lot of time in my gut, trying to figure out what feels good and what doesn't feel good about the work that i do.
i'm heading to bed at a decent hour tonight. i've been layin' kinda low today, as tommorrow is a long day at the saturday market. luckily i love the market, and though i'll be collecting signatures, i might just bring my drum, in case someone shows up and wants to relieve me for a bit so i can go play.
Posted by brooke at 10:11 PM
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just now waking up.. sorta
i've not been sleeping well at night. don't seem to fall asleep till late at night, early in the morning.. its rotten for someone who has a lot to do.
i had two calls this morning.. early, both from people i would have normally picked up for, but this morning, i was way to freakin' tired. i'm going to email one and call the other. i'm glad both called for the reasons they did. my community is expanding.
i've registered to be an assistant at the 15 july h.o.n. course. i wasn't supposed to, but i really want to go back, and i'm hoping there are going to be a few there again in july that were there this month that i didn't get to connect with.
i've got a lot to do between now and then. i'm slowly recruiting volunteers. i've got one for this saturday, and more for next saturday. my sweet friend b said she'd come on thursday. i'm hoping to plug others in to various shifts and spots throughout the city. i've got it all in my head, and i'm working to get it out of my head and on to paper and translateable so that others can plug volunteers in as they get them.
okay. i really need to get up and around. i have a lot to do.
:)
Posted by brooke at 11:23 AM
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Thursday, 16 June 05
agh.
my old job didn't call me the week they said they were going to call me.. now they are anxious to get some training.. and i'm booked up with my new job and my life.
tough tooties.
Posted by brooke at 01:38 PM
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i should get up.
yeah. my goal is to be at the springfield library by 11 to do 3 hours there collecting signatures for cfr.
*sigh*
but last night -- i got 2 volunteers for the saturday market! and i hope, hope, hope that sc is able to get me a couple of interns.
i need to track down a today.
but i'd really like to go back to sleep. this coffee is NOT kicking in. :P
Posted by brooke at 09:16 AM
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Wednesday, 15 June 05
those moments.
i'm processing non stop right now in my head. yeah.
i hadn't let myself feel that way with anyone in a long time. i hadn't let myself truly enjoy just a few moments of attraction and safety. i had denied it for so long, denied myself the pleasure of that feeling.
now, i don't know if he felt it as well. i don't know what he was thinking, but i know what i felt.
i keep going back to those moments. goddess. it was just so nice. like a good long drink of water after working out hard for a long time. the pleasure that you grant yourself when you give yourself permission to take a break and take that drink of water. i keep going back because that moment was so much better than my current moments.
i've always been afraid of it, allowing myself to feel that way. i knew that if it didn't become something that i could experience whenever i wanted that i simply didn't want a taste. i'm glad i got the taste. i'm glad i got the taste because its nice to know i can feel that way. its nice to know i've not become hard and bitter. its nice to know i can feel again.
i am desperate to go back out to catch those moments, i'm desperate to leave the stress of the current moments and to drink in that drug again.
i hope i can go back out next month. i hope i can go back out and have the high joys and the low lows, and experience more moments of safety in those loving arms out there.
Posted by brooke at 10:23 PM
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and its the ups and downs of post HoN
dammit. i miss being out at Heart of Now. i miss all the connecting and supporting of that atmosphere. i miss being around men and women who are working on becoming better them, i miss the physical touch. i miss being surrounded by that.
Posted by brooke at 04:00 PM
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crushes
am i the only one who hates having a crush on someone? *agh* i have a crush on someone and frankly i think it got in my way of connecting with him this past weekend. we did connect, but as i became more aware of my crush, my energy got weird around him. *sigh* i'm never sure how to deal with these situations, and i really appreciate his insights and so i want to get over this so that i can connect with him without my weird energy. *sigh* i'm tempted to talk to him, and knowing him i think he'd be okay with it, but its just that initial 'hey! how are you? i'm sorry about my weird energy, i've got a crush and i'm trying to get over it.' and its not like i'm not thrilled that he is engaged (i am, and from the couple of times i've met his partner briefly, i know that the both of them are very lucky), its not like there's jealousy, its not like any of that.. its a pretty healthy crush, its just that the energy is weird. and being that my interactions with him are around this intense emotional work, i'd like to clear that energy out.
anyhow. my so few readers. any thoughts on crushes?
Posted by brooke at 02:00 PM
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angry
i'm absolutely angry about an incident that happened earlier today. i don't like anyone bitching at me, even if it was toned down later. dammit. i've tried to connect with her, and frankly.. just dammit. i've run around doing shit for the other her, picking up the child, watching the child.. and i don't freakin' live there. well. i'm done. absolutely done. won't see me there. i'm just done. i'm done serving that household.
Posted by brooke at 12:05 AM
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Tuesday, 14 June 05
i want to catch this
in these moments i feel totally open and connected. i feel powerful. i feel like i am the person i've always wanted to be --- likeable, competent, sexy, attractive, loved. in this moment i feel like all the things i've ever wanted, i could have. i could have that connection, i could be held like i was held today and feel that safety and sexual energy. i can have anything i want.
this weekend was about connecting for me. my intention was to connect. my intention was to get my needs met. my intention was to get to know myself better, to be able to support myself, my fellow assistants, and the students.
i can't say when it happened, but at some point in the weekend, anytime anyone was near, i just felt comfortable to reach out and touch the person standing near me, or sitting near me. holding someone's hand was the thing to do, touching the body part closest to me was just what i did. connecting, and getting my needs met through touch was just normal.
sunday night i cuddled. i cuddled amongst all these beautiful men. what a lucky girl i was. they all made the choice to be near me, and to connect with me.
so many people told me that i am a different person now than i was when the weekend started. that i did open up. that they saw me in such a different light. i was called sweet. i was told how great it was that i saw this opportunity and i just jumped into it. yes, yes, my first night last month, i was all closed... i was bitter, and didn't want anyone to see me. and yeah, i couldn't look at anyone. i wanted to be one of those assistants on the couch curled up in a puppy pile like it was no big deal. i walked around with huge envy. i walked around as an outsider...... this weekend i became an insider.
i am so greatful for this. and am i bummed i didn't take the opportunity years ago? kinda. but what i say is that the universe gave me this when i needed it. the universe gave me this when i was ready for it. years ago, i just wasn't ready for it.
i feel like i'm being called to the work. i don't know what the work is, but i feel called towards it. i've never felt a calling like this. and for the next 13 months, i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it with all my heart and soul, with all my being. i need to do it for myself, i need to do it for the students.. really, this connecting on a heart level and opening people up--- this is a way to peace.
Posted by brooke at 12:19 AM
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Monday, 13 June 05
yes.
that thing in me that does not want to be working in the movement anymore -- that thing i connected with so deeply this weekend at heart of now --- it is very true in this moment. i don't want to talk politics, i don't want to organize, i don't want to do any of it. *SIGH*
---
in good news -- i had a wonderful time at heart of now this weekend. a truly wonderful time. i HOPE to be back next month.. if i can arrange my schedule. saturday was really sucky, but sunday -- i asked for and got what i needed. i've jumped in and working on becoming the person i SO want to be. i helped students. i hope i helped other assistants. i connected deeply and honestly with people. i laughed outloud, a lot. i kissed and cuddled with little children. i felt deep sadness. i felt extreme joy. i danced with joy and fatiuge. i danced my sadness away, i danced my fears. i lifted heavy things and dreamt about times gone by and times to come. i felt called to this side of the movement. i hope to great hopes that i will be able to find a way to do this work every month until i go to grad school.
Posted by brooke at 08:15 PM
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Thursday, 9 June 05
i know, i'm rather silent.
yeah. i know i am. i've got a lot going on in my head, i'm rather stuck up there. i'm trying to figure it all out. i'm trying to keep my head above water. i'm starting a new job, i'm becoming a new person. i'm desperately trying to figure out why i've barely been on a date in a long time and why I don't have a long term partner. i'm desperately trying to figure out why i'm alone, and so many other people are not. i'm desperately trying to be comfortable around couples so obviously in love. i'm desperately trying to come to peace with the fact that i am a HUGE looser that is obviously not all that loveable. i don't know why i don't have a huge group of friends that i camp with every weekend. i don't know why i don't have people i go to lunch and dinner with regularly. i don't know why i'm not going to close girlfriends big family events -- why i don't have such girlfriends. i simply don't understand.
thats where i am these days. in my head, trying to understand how unloveable i obviously am.
Posted by brooke at 10:22 PM
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Tuesday, 7 June 05
cramps and headaches, oh my!
agh.
woke up to cramps. and a migrane.
:P
but thank goddess for the exedrine migraine tablets... cause it works both at the top, and the bottom!
Posted by brooke at 10:24 AM
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east coasters..
P: Her friends were suprised that she liked to get naked!
Brooke: *surprise*
P: Yeah, they are from the east coast.. and they still live there!
Brooke: Ohhhh! That explains it!
--
in other news.
i came home today.. and my toaster oven was on. apparently the garlic i wanted roasted a bit more, got roasted A LOT more. about 7 hours more!
and then i climbed onto my bed and realized that the water bottle i left on the bed, fell over and leaked onto it.
Posted by brooke at 12:01 AM
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Friday, 3 June 05
uu
on sunday i am scheduled to go with my candidate, and others, to the first unitarian church of portland. dennis kucinich is going to be there, and pete is going to be one of the featured speakers, along with the congressman.
growing up we were never members of a church. my father was raised in the episcopal church, and my mother was raised a christian, but not a hard core practicing one. both ended up good liberal democrats with a distaste for organized religion. and it was in that tradition that they raised my brother and i.
throughout my life i had searched and searched for a spiritual place that i belonged. for awhile i thought it was the episcopal church.. for a while i thought it was wicca. and then in my last 6 months of my first round of grad school i was introduced to uu-ism.
yes, the minute i walked into the unitarian universalist fellowship of athens i knew i'd found my home. here were a bunch of liberals talking about spirituality from their heads. it was a great thing, and i joined the fellowship.. just weeks or so before i left. uufa left an indellible mark on me and in the years since i've claimed myself as a uu, and finally, last november, joined the uu church here in eugene.
i don't go often to fellowship. in fact, every sunday morning i debate about whether to go, and lately, my bed has won out to the church.. but, i know that i am still a member, and i know that i will always be able to claim myself as a uu, and be able to talk about our love for our heads. yep.
i am alone amongst my close friends to be a member of an established church. many of them have rejected religion due to their childhood experiences with religion, others simply were not raised in a tradition and don't have the need to find it.
i guess i'm just starting to be able to feel the spiritual coat i put on 7 years ago, maybe i'll always find it unique that there are others out there in my community who have chosen organized religion, and who have chosen the one i have.. but i always take a bit of joy when i can refer to the fact that pete and i are both uu's, that we both belong to the church. i often think how great it would be to have a unitarian universalist governor, and i wonder how it could be used to play against pete. but most of all, i enjoy the fact that there is something similiar of mind between pete and i, that there are moments, like today, when i can joke with him about our chosen faith. yeah, its a coat i'm not used to wearing.
on sunday i'll get to walk into that uu church and know that although i'm not a member, i'm not an outsider and that i belong there.
Posted by brooke at 08:58 PM
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i'm just going to go hide.
simply and basicly. i'm going to go hide. now.
Posted by brooke at 09:43 AM
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Thursday, 2 June 05
taking a break from lots of stuff
i'm realizing that i'm going to have to take a break from lots of stuff until i get the gre under my belt. and until i get this new job up and running. i am simply too stressed to try to save everything and to be everything for every body. i am a bit too human for my own good, and though i would like to be able to do 18 hour days and not think about it, what i can realistically do right now is not that. i'm going to have to tell friends -- too late, i had the time when we talked, but you took too much time, and i don't have the time anymore. i'm going to have to tell people that my job is important, and getting into grad school is equally important. that my future is dependent upon me being able to say no right now. that if i don't get time alone, time to exercise, time to ground and do simple things like baking bread, time with those of my dearest friends just to be, that i will not be pleasant to be around. i need to not feel so wound up all the time, i desperately need to learn how to turn it off.. to not stay up late worrying about everything else i need to be doing, or could be doing to get every signature. i want to enjoy this new challenge, i want to thrive, i don't want it to eat me alive.. if i don't do what i need to do to fully take care of myself, it will eat me alive. i'm not in graduate school right now, i'm still learning to deal with the stress.
--
other stuff.
i wish i hadn't developed professional ethics over the last few months, because i would desperately like to tell about why i'm leaving my current job. i would desperately like to write about the board member has never said a word about the email he accidentally sent to an address i read because it is on my job duties that i cried about for 2 days. i would desperately like to write about the other board member who just has no tact and has so many issues that they don't know about that they project their stuff on to innocent staff members with a huge bitch slap. i would desperately like to write about how the organization is moving way to slowly for the crisis it is in. i would desperately like to stick up for the people that members of the organization are demonizing that are really just good people who are tired. i would desperately like to write about the dysfunction in the communication that goes on here, and how it hasn't been in my tenure here that that has been the case, but how i was made to feel that i was at fault. i would desperately like to write about it all, and how incredibly difficult the whole situation has been on me...
but i won't. i won't go into specific details, i won't go tattling, i won't tell them what my last straw was. i won't give in to the gossip, and the negativity. but i will do what i just did, because somehow i needed to get it out.
--
and last stuff.
i have a book waiting for me at the library, that i'm going to go pick up in a few minutes.. my sister's keeper --- sarahlynn wrote about it, and it sounded really good. drama intensive, but goddess knows i love drama! it will be nice to escape into it some TODAY. thanks sarah for the recommendation :)
i AM ALSO going to the kiva to pick up some emergen'c. with all the stress i'm under right now, i desperately need the boost for my immune system that all those vitamins will provide me.
---
i think i am going to stop emailing from my bed. i have a tiny apartment and will be working out of my home. i need a space where work is simply not allowed. all this stuff for this job is in my living room, i must make my bedroom my place where i can escape from everything.
... till next time.. from the living room.
Posted by brooke at 10:29 AM
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