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Tuesday, 14 June 05 ::
i want to catch this
in these moments i feel totally open and connected. i feel powerful. i feel like i am the person i've always wanted to be --- likeable, competent, sexy, attractive, loved. in this moment i feel like all the things i've ever wanted, i could have. i could have that connection, i could be held like i was held today and feel that safety and sexual energy. i can have anything i want.
this weekend was about connecting for me. my intention was to connect. my intention was to get my needs met. my intention was to get to know myself better, to be able to support myself, my fellow assistants, and the students.
i can't say when it happened, but at some point in the weekend, anytime anyone was near, i just felt comfortable to reach out and touch the person standing near me, or sitting near me. holding someone's hand was the thing to do, touching the body part closest to me was just what i did. connecting, and getting my needs met through touch was just normal.
sunday night i cuddled. i cuddled amongst all these beautiful men. what a lucky girl i was. they all made the choice to be near me, and to connect with me.
so many people told me that i am a different person now than i was when the weekend started. that i did open up. that they saw me in such a different light. i was called sweet. i was told how great it was that i saw this opportunity and i just jumped into it. yes, yes, my first night last month, i was all closed... i was bitter, and didn't want anyone to see me. and yeah, i couldn't look at anyone. i wanted to be one of those assistants on the couch curled up in a puppy pile like it was no big deal. i walked around with huge envy. i walked around as an outsider...... this weekend i became an insider.
i am so greatful for this. and am i bummed i didn't take the opportunity years ago? kinda. but what i say is that the universe gave me this when i needed it. the universe gave me this when i was ready for it. years ago, i just wasn't ready for it.
i feel like i'm being called to the work. i don't know what the work is, but i feel called towards it. i've never felt a calling like this. and for the next 13 months, i'm going to do it. i'm going to do it with all my heart and soul, with all my being. i need to do it for myself, i need to do it for the students.. really, this connecting on a heart level and opening people up--- this is a way to peace.
posted by brooke at June 14, 2005 12:19 AM
