« June 2005 |
main
| August 2005 »
Friday, 29 July 05
relay for life
i went to the relay for life tonight. i went with 2 survivors and 2 supporters of those survivors. i created a luminaria for my dad that they'll light tonight at 10.30pm.
last year i went to a birthday party and both the survivors were there.. one came late because she was walking in the survivors walk, and the other -- well, she didn't know she'd be walking in that walk this year. me.. well.. i wanted to go to support the event, but i didn't ever think i'd be going for such personal reasons.
it was the most mainstream event i've been to in a LONG time. i saw nary a hippie nor anyone wearing any peace buttons.. anywhere. BUT it was comforting to be around all those people who know what its like.
i'll never forget when dad told me about his cancer. i cried, he did too. i still cry. and the vast majority of the people there know what its like to be on the receiving end of that devastating news -- some being those with it, some being those loving someone with it. i instinctly knew that if i'd started crying at the sight of that bag with dad's name on it, no one would have said anything, they would have understood the tears.
i wonder if i'll ever get used to it. my dad having cancer. i assume its probably easier being closer to him.. seeing this new dad becomes the familiar sight, hearing about his daily regemin of hormones and herbs becomes the norm.. being 3000 miles away creates so many different images.
dad's prognosis pretty much sucks. metastatic prostate cancer with his numbers really sucks. i try to hold out a lot of hope, but i'm also one to plan. the prognosis is is that dad will never get to meet the grandchild i've planned to name after him for at least 20 years. i hope i'm wrong. goddess do i hope i'm wrong.
this illness strikes a lot of us. the more i open my mouth, the more i discover that. last month at HoN i discovered 2 people, and i wasn't exactly being super social, that have been affected by it on a very personal level.
i should probably be more positive, but i hate this disease. i really do. i hate what it does to those with it, to the families, to the loved ones. i absolutley hate it.
Posted by brooke at 10:23 PM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 28 July 05
illness
a friend of mine is sick. he suffers from the same chronic illness that i do, and for 10 years he was in remission. he's not right now. i am.
he and i aren't close, his sister and i are, and yet last year when he heard that i was in the throes of our common illness, he told his sister he wanted to connect with me, to offer support.. because of life stuff we never did, and i recovered.. but it was nice to know that he wanted to give me support.. and now that the tables are turned.. well..
i don't like that this friend is suffering. he's a good guy, a really good guy.. a good brother, a wonderful uncle. and he's terribly nice (like his sister). i don't like that he's suffering. i want to make it all better for him. like everyone who is suffering, i have this image that i'd just like to hold him till its gone. but i can't.
tonight i talked to his sister -- my friend -- about where he is with the illness. my friend said they are going to go swimming with him tommorrow, and i've decided to not go to the meeting i'm scheduled to go to tommorrow night. connecting with him is more important than saving the world tommorrow night.. even if its just a simple 'hey, call me, i get it.' and thats all, its something.
*sigh* i hate this illness. i hate what it does to people. no one should ever suffer from it. i wish i didn't, but more of all i wish no one else did. i would suffer for everyone if i could stop the suffering caused by this illness.. and i don't say that to be a martyr, i don't say it to seem like some big hero, i say it because i mean it.
blessedly i'm nearly in remission-- a new term i heard today, and one that i like. my doc says i am, and i believe her. i've been to the places this friend is, and it feels good not to be there. i feel strong enough to offer my support to this friend, and it feels good that i can.
i've got a long day tommorrow.. i've got a lot of stress on my shoulders right now around a lot of things.. but all day long i'll be keeping this friend in my thoughts. i can't wait to see him, and selfishly, i can't wait hug him, and tell him i care, and offer my support. if he's open to it, it'll be nice to share his burden.
Posted by brooke at 12:05 AM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 27 July 05
my boobs
i have a consult for october 7 to talk to a plastic surgeon about making my boobs smaller. yes, i am a 4'8" woman with boobs more for someone 7'8" tall. i'm not one for plastic surgery, but if this will get rid of the back aches, i'm all for it.
on a different note -- have i mentioned that its PISS hot here?? well, it is. and my office -- hotter than outside. :P
Posted by brooke at 04:19 PM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 26 July 05
hot. damn hot.
its 77.9 degrees at 11.12pm in eugene oregon. for those without air conditioning -- who's offices are also without air conditioning (and windows) -- its really freakin' hot in the middle of the day.
*sigh*
i wish i had something thoughtful to write here. i used to have those kind of posts, and people enjoyed reading them.. but i don't have them anymore.. i go about my day just moving from one thing to another, trying to keep my head above water. i don't have deep thoughts about anything these days, mostly panicked thoughts about what i need to be doing -- and wistful thoughts about what i wish i were doing.
i guess you could say i'm content for the first time ever. fairly. i do have things that will bring up some serious tears, i do have serious longings for certain things.. but i don't dwell on those things in my daily life.
really. my life these days is about -- gre studying procrastion, getting enough sleep, working at my hard job for an introvert, thinking about how many signatures we've gotten at work and where i'm going to get my next volunteer, pondering the state of my friendships, thinking about my family, my dad's cancer, my aunt and her cancer, my nephew, the cats, getting enough sleep, everything i need to be doing for things not work, staying sane, thinking about when the next heart of now weekend is (and when i'll get to spend 3 nights sleeping SO wonderfully in my little dorm room at lvec), and getting enough sleep.
see? nothing deep. i check the news, but frankly it disturbs me. i simply can't dwell so much in the bad news.. YES, I know i'm an organizer.. I KNOW i'm supposed to know what is going on.. but dammit, if i read about it every day i'll just be depressed. i'll organize the people, someone else tell them what to say. fair?
see. nothing deep, or thoughtful. and thusly, i bore myself.. and no one reads this.. but really, this blog is for me.. and if you read it-- thats ducky.. if you don't -- thats ducky too.
:)
oh wait! but tommorrow i talk to someone about something i've been wanting to do for awhile now. i'm not sure if i'll get to do it, but we'll see.. if i do get to do it, maybe i'll just get gutsy enough to share my thoughts on it in this blog.. (and then things might just really get exciting around here! ha!)
Posted by brooke at 11:12 PM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 24 July 05
dreams of bc.
i'm back from vacation with my mom. it was a good vacation and we did things that i never thought i'd get to do in my life time. re: we hiked in a place with views i thought i'd never ever get to experience. beautiful 'alpine' views in the canadian western coastal mountains. each of us pushing ourselves against the terrain, the heat, and the brighter-than-we-are-used-to sun.
we spent a lot of time talking about my future. this whole ph.d. thing. there's a lot of hope and excitement there. a lot of debating about what to do. a lot of wondering about east coast schools vs university of washington. i know i have to get in first, but a girl can at least think positively about her future, can't she?
at some point i will sit down and weigh pros and cons. at some point i will do that. my heart or my head? or both.
*sigh*
mom is confident that i can do this ph.d thing -- at a top program. she should know, she has a ph.d. in education, some of the people i grew up with -- some of her dearest friends -- trained the people that i hope to get the chance to train (study) with. she would tell me if she didn't think i could hack it, or get in.
in the end i know what my goals are. okay, not my goals.. my dreams.
my dreams are simple. kinda. a ph.d. from a top program. maybe even one that allows me to go overseas to study some. meeting a man that wants to settle back in the pacific northwest... specifically a man that wants to emmigrate with me to canada - british columbia, please. getting a job that allows me the flexibility to be me, and allows me to make enough money that money is not a constant worry. and lastly -- and most importantly-- have a child. i'm open to both being pregnant or adopting.
what a dream -- brooke, ph.d., citizen of canada, mom to little harry, partner to beautiful thoughtful man-father.
did you feel the shiver?
ps. for those few who know about my dad. the treatment is working, he's having radiation on the stuff on his spine sometime this summer. his prognosis is better than it was when this whole cancer crap started. keep hoping that what he's doing continues to work.
Posted by brooke at 07:13 PM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 21 July 05
quick from bc
sent this to two friends..
42 secs left.
hey y'all,
only a minute i have.. heard about tyhe next set of bombings in london when we got back today.. am wondering how eugenians are reacting.. told ma i'm afraid of the next war.. and with this,m i'm so much more afraid. curious as to what is going on, if anythig? or i'm over reacting.. probably.
we're in whister, heaeded to vancouver tommorrow morning early. spent 2 days up on the mountain, via a gondola, hiking some beautiful alpine hiking. so beautiful. i kept telling mom how much i think both of y'all would like it here.. at least up on the mountain.
also, found out there is a program for me at the university of washington. not a great one, but its an option for me next year. talked to a professor there.. i'm kinda excited about the potentia. anyhow, i'd be closer to bc, which i'm abolutey foalling in love with. goddess.. so beautiful here.. and the canadians so wonderful.. as we all mknow.
sorry about the typo's.
Posted by brooke at 08:06 PM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 14 July 05
ambivilance
i'm preparing for my 3rd weekend in 3 months out at lost valley educational center. i'm out there for heart of now. i'll be assisting for the 2nd time in 2 months. i'm rather ambivilent about it. i'm not looking forward to it, but i'm not not looking forward to it.
i'm exhausted. my job is tiring. i'm on the whole time i'm there.. i have to be. i'm a volunteer coordinator, coordinating volunteers to gather signatures. it is my charge to pump the volunteers up, it is my charge to pump potential signers up. it is my job to pump myself up, to not be crabby around the boys, to be a good team player, to live within a business model for grassroots activism.
i don't have many deep thoughts these days. my deepest thoughts go as far as 'just walk away from the ranting person, they won't sign anyways.' i simply don't have the time or the energy to do any serious processing of anything. i have insomnia as well. i'm exhausted all day, and yet at 11pm my body says WAKE UP. TIME TO BE ALIVE AND ABOUT RIGHT NOW. i'm hoping it will collapse soon. i'm hoping that it will take advantage of being out at lost valley, away from my 4 charges, in the dark of the oregon countryside.
i like to wake up early when i'm there. i like to go into the lodge first thing before breakfast when hardly a soul is around. i like being grumpy first thing in the morning and watching people walk into breakfast in various states of emotional awakenness. i like to watch the change over the weekend in people.. by the end of the weekend the group assembled is comfy with each other.. just in time to part. till next month, a lot of the same people, a lot of other different ones, many different configurations.
yeah.. i'm ambivilent, but i'm also looking forward to some time with me, myself and i. i hope to stress time with me and a good book over time with trying to connect with others. that'll be good for me.
Posted by brooke at 11:48 PM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 13 July 05
attempting another fasts
i'm attempting another fast.. i've tried this in the past, but i never seem to make it through the first day. i'm a bit more dedicated now, a bit more dedicated to myself and the process of making myself a better person...
its supposed to remove toxins. the fast. you are supposed to feel like crap for a few days while you are doing it. the toxins are supposed to leach out of your system. if thats the case, then the next few days are going to simply be hell on me... because i've got a lot of toxins in my system. a lot. years and years of bad crap in my body..
i'm doing the master cleanser.. a lemonade fast. i've tried this one before.. i'm liking it a bit better this time.
i think its starting to work. its been 12 hours and i'm already feeling like shit. maybe its the lack of sleep.. or maybe its the toxins leaching out. we'll see.
Posted by brooke at 10:30 AM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 12 July 05
not afraid.
we're not afraid
Posted by brooke at 12:19 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 11 July 05
growing up.
i'm desperately trying to grow up. or change. or be a better me?
anyhow. i wish i had more to say on the subject, but i just don't have anything prophetic to say.
i'm working on stopping my anger, i'm working on being able to be less reactionary. i'm working on being less manipulative. i'm working on being better at being there for myself, and others. i'm working on my anger. i'm working on so much. i hope i get it worked on fast enough.
Posted by brooke at 09:41 PM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 5 July 05
i wish i'd known
this whole collecting signatures at the fair thing is really making my blood boil. the fucking community village wants to do any possible thing to get in the way of creating political change. FUCK THAT. if i'd known what a FUCKING pain in the ass the village is, that it is THIS BIG HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS i would not have done it this year. i want this FUCKING FAIR OVER WITH.
lets just face it, i'm going to be in a hugely pissy mood till the end of this years fair.
Posted by brooke at 12:36 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 4 July 05
not doing the 4th.
no, i'm not doing the 4th of july tonight. i wish i was, kinda, but no one invited me out. *agh* its the poor me scenario. i'm itimately familiar with it. *sigh* i just wish people would remember me, esp. when we talked about possible plans for the weekend. *unhappy sigh* i really hate being single a lot. if i had a family, being alone would be a non issue.
BUT
its giving me a chance to do research for going back to get my ph.d. i'm actually making a list of professors i might want to study with. i've got 10 at 5 different schools so far. differing research interests, but they make the grade because they seem to be studying something attached to making the world a better place. except for one guy.. one guy simply made the list because he got all 3 of his degrees from the university of oregon. anyone who has spent that much time in academia at the u of o must be a pretty good person.. i know, some academics are real farts, but.. well.. the u this guy is at has got a department that i'd really be interested in doing my cognate area in.
anyhow. it feels good to be taking this time to do something towards this goal of mine. it feels good to nurture myself in this way. and though i slept all weekend, i don't feel like i did anything wrong.. i needed the time to myself. i woke up this morning not feeling weak and exhausted for the first time in a long time. now, if only i can do something about my terribly short temper.
btw. my cats. not phased in the least about the noise outside. no one running for cover.. all quietly sleeping in various spots throughout my small apartment.. must mean they are a lot more well adjusted than i often give them credit for.
Posted by brooke at 10:05 PM
| comments (1)
bad mood
i'm still in a bad mood today. not as bad as the last three days.. but still today.
anyhow.
i'm having to jump through hoops to be able to collect signatures for campaign finance reform in the community village at the country fair.. for about 1.5 weeks i've doubted weather i want to go out to the fair this year.. weather the hassle of being gone from home and my job for 4 days are really worth it. in this space and time, i can tell you that my feelings are that it really isn't worth the hassle.
*sigh*
i move about in liberal community, i am attracted to groups that are counter culture because i believe that my political beliefs and their political beliefs are generally inline and that they want to make the change as i do. that the belief in wanting to connect, that the belief in creating community is as strong as mine.
*sigh*
what i'm finding at the fair is really people who are looking out only for themselves and the dollar. what i'm finding is that this whole idea of community building is really a facade. people aren't interested in community as a whole. no, they aren't. because if they were, the kind of witch hunt i heard started at the june village meeting wouldn't have happened. the looks on people's faces, the attitude of everyone involved. goddess.. it would be so different.
i'll be going to the country fair this year, only because i've made a committment.. but i won't go back next year. i'm really not into communities that are only skin deep.
Posted by brooke at 12:24 PM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 3 July 05
aren't there noise ordinances in this town?
at least, i thought there were. i'm pretty sure there were.. people seem to have forgotten basic respect for their neighbors. and no.. i don't give a flying fuck that its the 3rd of july. some of us really do enjoy sleeping.. fuckwads.
Posted by brooke at 10:20 PM
| comments (0)
Saturday, 2 July 05
smoking should be banned.
yes! i finally said it. smoking should be banned. i'm spending enough time outside in public areas to know how offensive this hobby is. NOT to the person doing it, but the person who has to inhale their second hand smoke. and not only is it offensive, but more importantly it is bad for those who don't smoke.. those who have never puffed a cigarette EVER. it is BAD for my PHYSICAL health.
yeah yeah, i know, i'm a liberal.. i believe in rights for everyone.. but not if those rights infringe on others rights to breathe air not tainted with the crap in second hand smoke.
i'm off to another day in the smoke mines.
Posted by brooke at 09:00 AM
| comments (0)
Friday, 1 July 05
the story of the float down.
it was something i'd thought about doing for a long time. i'm terribly afraid of heights, and one day i thought 'if i jump out of a plane, maybe i'll get over those fears.' at some point in my life i even had dreams of floating, flying, feeling weightless. but after awhile, my craving to be in the air dissapated.. but i have always found myself looking into the sky.. at night, on beautiful days.. i've only noticed that i do it recently.. but i do do it, and i do it a lot.
on monday my friend s said she was going to go skydiving.. she asked me if i wanted to go with her. i thought for a moment, and then said yes. we talked about it over the week, and had plans for friday at 10am.
this morning was overcast. at 9.30 we called and it wasn't clear enough for jumping.. it wasn't till 12.30 that we finally left, arriving in creswell at 1pm. needless to say, on the way over the 30th avenue hill, getting a glimpse of the sky above creswell, and realizing what we were going to do, i got scared.
but, i've done this before. doing something that the most scary moment is the moment of beginning. doing something that the anticipation is the scary thing, not the actual thing. i've spent much time above big rapids, waiting for that moment of action. yeah, that moment, the moment between fear and going, that is the moment that i was the most afraid of.
we arrived, filled out our emergency forms, gave them our hard earned money, and i got more scared.. but it was okay. we met the folks who we were to be strapped to, a nice man a bit younger than my father, a nice woman around 20 years of age. both experienced, both with wonderful energy. when the nice man -- u -- heard i was the more scared of the 2 of us, he said he'd go with me. i was glad, as he had wonderful energy, and was extremely understanding with my babbles about how safe what we were about to do really was and how great his energy was.
yes. its all about the energy these days, my heart of now friends, i've learned a lot from y'all in the last 2 months, and i know a lot is about energy.
we suited up, i in a peach suit, susan in red and blue.. we got our harnesses on, and urban explained to me what we were going to do.
what were we going to do? go up in a tiny plane, up to 10,000 feet, strap on to us, and then open the door. our job was to put our feet on the wheel, and they would lean forward, lean back and then out into the sky. we would then get in an arched position, and freefall till they gave us the signal to pull the rip cord. then we would float on down from there. lots of instructions, but good for my brain. i needed instruction, i needed something for it to think about.. and most of all, i needed to realize how natural this was. the arch, completely natural, the floating, the pulling down on the parachute to land -- all body positions that the body naturally goes into when you preform such manuvers.
we took pictures, and then it was time to go up. i was still scared. because urban and i were to go first out of the plane, i rode in the front of the plane.. next to the clear door. without a seatbelt for the majority of the ride up to 10,000 feet.
take off was scary. a little plane, and i do not like turbulence. susan was behind me, so i reached back and put my hand on her belly. i held on to the pilots seat with my other hand. i needed the grounding of my friend, and the security of the seat. i'm glad susan was there, i couldn't have done it without her comfort, and the familiarity of a new heart of now friend. in those moments in the plane i could feel her support, and knew that if others knew we were up there, they'd be supportive, they'd be cheering us on.
finally it was time to go. i felt urban connect himself to me, and that felt good. it was nice to know that i was now attached to a parachute while sitting next to this clear door. it was nice to know that if the door were to suddenly fly open, i would have the safety of urban's knowledge of the air, and the parachute attached to him.
urban opened the door, and i nearly chickened out. but i didn't. i had a task. i had to get my feet on that wheel. i had to not chicken out, i had to do the scary thing. i had to dance on the edge. i had to. i wanted to.
i finally had my head. the task of finding the tire was enough to calm my mind and being able to put my foot on that tire, gave me the confidence to know that i could do this.. plus i knew there was no turning back. i knew i wasn't going to land in that plane, but instead with a parachute above and urban on my back. what a relief to know that the decision to go was now out of my hands. i had stepped from fear and into action.
then it was time. i felt urban go forward, back and then out we were.. we went out sort of sideways in the air. i remember thinking 'this isn't good, we're supposed to be flat.. but he knows what he's doing.' then there i was.. free falling. i'm doing it, i'm doing it. i'm doing it. my mouth is dry. my mouth is dry. gotta close my lips. no, it'll be okay. i'm doing it. this is cool. a lot of thoughts in a short time..
how did the freefall feel? like i was swimming upstream in a river. or sitting underwater in a river. it was loud, and the wind was pushing everything behind me. i had no idea how fast i was going, because it felt pretty slow. it was a feeling i hope never to forget.. i wish i could describe it, but i can't. you can't understand it till you do it.
urban then gave me the signal to pull the rip cord. i fiddled and then desperatly signaled to him to pull it. that was my only moment of scary fear during the whole dive. did urban get it? of course he did, but all i knew was that we were falling, and the parachute needed to open. next thing i knew, our legs were falling down beneath us, it got a lot quieter, and we were floating.
my moment of bliss. yeah. pure bliss. i was flying. oh my goddess, i was flying. ooooh.. this is scary, i'm way up high, but i was flying. oh my goddess.
urban pointed out susan. a pink thing in the sky. i saw her falling, and was afraid for her. she was going fast! oh my goddess.. thats fast! susan, don't faaaaaaaaaaaaalll! and then her parachute opened, and she was floating above us.
"SUSAN, I LOVE YOU" was yelled a few times. "I'M FLYING" was also yelled. "Thank you Urban, thank you so much" also came flying out of my mouth.
i'll admit, i was still a bit afraid being up, and part of me wanted down.. but the float. i was flying.. not like a bird, but i certainly wasn't on the ground. i spotted the ground below and watched it come closer. slowly but surely, i watched it come closer.
at one point urban gave me the chance to pull on the parachute and play with a turn, but frankly, i'd danced on my edge, and that was a bit too over it. i was glad to give him the control. i trusted him fully, i trusted him fully before we went up, and he was in control.
too soon our ride was over. too soon it was time to come down. we watched susan and her partner land, and then it was our turn. we didn't run as i thought we were going too, but we stepped down on the ground, i fell forward a bit.. nothing big. i turned around, and there was susan with her big smile, and a open hug.
will i do it again? maybe. probably. most likely, yes.
Posted by brooke at 10:05 PM
| comments (0)
i flew
yes. i jumped out of a plane. and i flew.
more later.
Posted by brooke at 04:38 PM
| comments (1)
