« April 2005 |
main
| June 2005 »
Tuesday, 31 May 05
i turn the tv on ....
and there's that president.
*shake head*
god is he an idiot.
*shake head*
really, i should not have as much faith in the american people that i do. i simply cannot believe how gullible all those millions of people are.
*shake head*
a whole bunch of idiots and their leader. just make emmigration to other countries easier so that the lot of them can take themselves down and leave the rest of us to be.
Posted by brooke at 08:33 AM
| comments (0)
depressed
i'm depressed about leaving eugene for grad school. it took me a long time to get what i have here. i don't want to have to go through this again, i don't want to leave many of them.
there are times when i want to hold tight to each and every one of them, and times when i just want to leave oregon NOW. i fluxuate. but at this moment, i don't want to leave. i just want to hold on tight.
Posted by brooke at 12:22 AM
| comments (0)
Saturday, 28 May 05
*sigh*
i just went on a quick trip to the library to return some books, before the midnight deadline for another day late, and thought of all this great stuff to write in this space.. but as usual, it was gone the minute i got out of my car.
*sigh*
what were some of the things i thought about?
- that i actually have a lot of friends in this community. so many people that i want to connect with and i simply don't have the time too see them all. that feels nice. although it would be nice to have someone i felt comfortable to call about hiking, or camping, i have people i enjoy spending time with and people i want to have dinner with. next step are those that i'll go camping with. i already have quite a few that want to go kayaking, so that rocks. i've made serious progress from my friendless days just a year or so ago. i'm working hard at it. what will happen when i leave? i'll cross that friendless bridge when i come to it.. but i know what i've got here.
- that mom being gone has proven to me that i can handle a crisis without her. that i've got friends that, while they can't take her place, can definetly kick in to the many areas that she helps me with. its nice to know that the support i get from her is not necessary for me to live.
- maybe i don't want a lover or boyfriend right now. really, i do not have the time. i have too much to do.
- i'm doing well with everything i have to do. its a whole lot, but i'm managing not to melt down. i just need to take each thing and each day methodically, taking each task and doing the best i can. i hope i can continue with this pace, and that i can improve my output.
- i'm not good with minutae-- i can get way too caught up in it, but i am good with big picture and visionary roles.
okay, i've got to go make a big list of things i gotta do.
> on the agenda for tommorrow:: laundry with friend a, gotta help ps with an email problem, work on the campaign plan outline, study for the gre, go to the library, and hopefully get on my bike.
Posted by brooke at 10:48 PM
| comments (0)
Friday, 27 May 05
early?
ooh! mom might be home a week early! that would be nice. i miss her, a lot. and yes- she's in ethiopia. kinda hard to call her, eh? hahaha
i just emailed her to ask her if she'd write an article about what she did there, include pictures and all. maybe they'd put it in the weekly? i think that would be simply fantastic. and i'll put it here, because goddess knows its far more interesting than my daily dribble.
Posted by brooke at 11:35 PM
| comments (0)
i wish i could go into it..
but i can't.
my community is going through a blendering.. a blendering?? .. well, throw lots of stuff in, turn it on, and see what happens.
*sigh*
a better thing to say would be -- there is high drama in the seas of my part of the eugene progressive community. the winds are blowing, the boats are being tossed about, a harsh sun is beating down on heads kept bowed to the pressure of the drama.
hearts are being broken, and processed. tears are being shed and wiped away. voices are straining to be used to a greater degree than normal. souls are being washed and hung out to dry.
we're all tired. okay, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us. and i think we're just smack in the middle of it. i know some are just at the beginning.
*sigh*
i really do feel for us. the catalyst that has hit us to speed up normal reactions is huge. i don't know what it is, but the more i search out from my usual circle of friends, i'm finding remenants of the catalyst.. or a different one.. but the same type of thing going on.
*sigh*
i'm exhausted. while most people are off playing this weekend, i'll be off working. campaign meetings and all sorts of other insundry things to take care of. lots of it.
*sigh*
okay. tired.
Posted by brooke at 12:16 AM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 24 May 05
exhausted
i'm aware that i have not been too interesting lately. little tidbits about MY life that really aren't that interesting to outside readers.. more like keeping a journal about my life for myself. hopefully this will change.
---
its been a long day. processing ALL DAY LONG. god am i good at processing. and goddess is it EXAUSTING. so much drama in my life. and today i thought i'd go see my doc and get grounded, but because i need more than just grounding i changed it to a physical which had to be rescheduled. unfortunately during that week i'll be bleeding.. not a good time for a woman's physical.. so i'll have to reschedule and my time to ground with my doc will have to wait even longer.
yes. my doc grounds me. she's seen me through hell, she knows how its been, she sees me moving forward, she knows me better than anyone in eugene. she's a good woman, and i look forward to seeing her. and i look forward to being reminded how far i've gone and how far i get to go.
---
whats on the agenda for the rest of the week? lots.of.work. so.much.to.do. dammit.
tommorrow -- work, and p/u t @ 3.30 at ss. dinner with the friends, then off to heart of now practice at 7.00 for a few hours. thats more processing!
thursday -- work, p/u t @ 4.30, then meet g @ 7 and go to the photo exhibit in springfield.
friday -- not much.
saturday -- campaign meeting.
i wanna go to cougar with a friend. dammit. thats the hard part.
maybe next thursday k and i going to dexter to kayak.
Posted by brooke at 09:00 PM
| comments (0)
Monday, 23 May 05
still struggling
so, i identify as straight. at a meeting the other day i was talking about a group called the equality network that is focused on lgbtqi issues, and how i am involved as an ally. it was the first time in public that i had ever referred to myself as an ally of the lgbtqi community. it felt good, but it
--
aww crap. that doesn't matter right now. i just found out that a co-worker's brother died. i'm sorry z. i really am. i don't know how it feels, i can only imagine, and just that tears my heart out.
if y'all will, just know that someone i've become fond of over the last few months is in a lot of pain. she's a good woman. compassionate and kind. send some healing energy towards a kind stranger who could really use it right now.
Posted by brooke at 09:25 AM
| comments (0)
Friday, 20 May 05
no matter..
how poor I get, i will always be somewhat classist. goddess. growing up in academia and having 2 degrees.. and working on getting into a program so that i can start my 3rd degree.. *sigh* its bad.
but i'll admit, part of me is looking forward to getting back to academia. i know it, i understand it, its a comfortable place for me to be. all that spending time in university buildings.. *sigh* i love the smell of a university building.. all those books. all those brains just chugging along at high speed.
Posted by brooke at 06:25 PM
| comments (1)
Wednesday, 18 May 05
and i continue to march on
down that road to a ph.d. program.
just talked to a friend of ours, jb, about programs, and what i want to do. i'm definetly going into the right field. and my gut about uga is on the mark. i want to save the world, and there is a professor there, that i studied with, that wants to do the same thing.
have i mentioned that i think its rather cool that i'm entering the family business? 4 parents - 2 natural, 2 steps - 4 ph.ds.
Posted by brooke at 12:55 PM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 17 May 05
terrified.
i'm terrified that i won't be able to handle the stress of a competitive ph.d. program.
thank goddess i have over a year to deal with it. i'll be working on it at heart of now. yes, i will. and maybe i'll seek out some other sources of help as well.
i want to succeed. i want to succeed so much. i want to learn to thrive in high pressure situations, not melt. i want to love what i'm doing, become dr. brooke, i want to become more educated so i'm better able to help not only myself, but the world. yes, i really do care about making this world a better place, for everyone.
Posted by brooke at 11:51 PM
| comments (0)
amazing what..
a little caffiene hit from exedrin migrane can do for the mood. that and applying skills at work today that i learned yesterday from an online tutorial.
---
played with a new low-fat (or, maybe even fat free), low-cal, pretty healthy dessert today:
freeze some yogurt - organic, non; cow, soy, rice, etc...
freeze some fruit - organic, non..
throw frozen fruit and yogurt and a bit of sweetener (me, i use that cancerful fake no-cal stuff) into the food processor.
add a bit of h2o.
process it all.
yummy.
Posted by brooke at 02:53 PM
| comments (0)
gotta record the good as well.
got an email from ma. i'm going to get to design a website for a school in ethiopia!
Posted by brooke at 10:37 AM
| comments (0)
can't sleep.
fuck. its not working.
Posted by brooke at 12:48 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 16 May 05
i'm pretty certain
that i need to get out of eugene. its great here.. kinda. the stress of trying to live in one of the most depressed economies in the country is overwhelming.
Posted by brooke at 09:47 PM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 15 May 05
yeah!
i have my 3 letters of recommendation set up for my applications back to grad school! thank you mo, rb, and ps! yeehaww! it feels good to have the confidence of these 3 men that i can be successful in this challenge.
now, i just gotta study for the gre.
ps. i have a cold, again. i need one of those bulbs that suck the snot out of your nose, cause the snot is way up there and i want it all out. this blowing is crap on the ears.
Posted by brooke at 08:48 PM
| comments (0)
Friday, 13 May 05
bits and pieces
i'm getting bits and pieces of this stuff here and there. this h.o.n. stuff. all the different stuff i'm feeling, how it all fits within the context of being at the workshop last weekend.
am i a different person? no. but i discovered a new way of being that i liked, a lot, and i don't want to let it go. out here, where people aren't that way, its hard to keep a hold of the lessons i learned last weekend. its hard to keep hold of being in this new way.
yeah, i like living with an open heart. i'm a lot nicer, a lot less judgemental, a lot more giving. i don't want my heart to harden as i face the stresses of daily life. i want to keep it soft, the breadloaf with the soft crust that i talked about, not the soft-mushy inside with a shell like rock.
Posted by brooke at 06:51 PM
| comments (1)
emilin's questions
FINALLY. i'm answering emilin's questions. playing the interview game!
1. If you had one year of your life to do over, which one would it be?
thats a tough question. there are decisions i regret, things i would change.. but in this space i have to say that i wouldn't relive any one particular year. i'd change decisions, yes -- going to western carolina instead of oglethorpe u, going on that NOLS semester.. but whole years, no, i wouldn't go relive whole years.
2. Would ever consider parenting alone?
yes. i consider it all the time. and most likely that is what i will end up doing, parenting alone.
3. What does your ideal graduate program look like?
one with an assistantship! ha! the university of georgia. studying with professors like rob branch and mike orey. yes. professors who will give me the freedom to explore, but within a supportive structure so i don't get lost in my exploration.
4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
oh, i hope i've got my phd in hand. i will have just gotten it. and i'll have a job, goddess.. doing some kind of technology connection to something that will help save the world from the religious right.. but a job where i make comfortable money so i can be a parent, and travel with my kid. i see myself being more confident, more sure of myself, more open to other people. i hope to see myself back in the pacific northwest, but if i'm not here, maybe madison, wi? or boulder, co?
5. What should everyone appreciate about you?
that i'm a terribly loyal friend. i honestly care about other's welfare. that i'm constantly struggling with the balance of how to get my needs met, while also supporting others to get their needs met. that i know i'm not perfect. that i love to laugh, more than any other emotional expression, laughing is the best. that i'm smart and can figure things out quickly. i'm passionate and strong. that i'm constantly looking to find balance between needing someone but also relying on myself. that i love to be outside doing physical things. i make good bread. that i'm really trying to be the best person i can be, at all times.
--
how's that? now, the game is that i answered emilin's questions, and if you want me to ask you questions, feel free to leave a comment and i will :)
---
in other news, whats on the ipod this morning? sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band. yeah, i need more beatles on the 'pod.
---
this weekend, whats on the agenda? a yoga workshop on saturday. a coalition meeting on sunday. washing my clothes. spending too much time alone.
Posted by brooke at 08:57 AM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 12 May 05
ethiopia
my ma is on her way to ethiopia. i wish i were too.
Posted by brooke at 10:08 PM
| comments (0)
2 3 things crossed off.
i emailed 2 professors about getting letters of recommendation. i wanted to ask more, but i'm hesitant. anyhow, i don't want to just hold my breath, but i'll email them further after they say yes to giving me letters.
i also got all the information about getting transcripts from brevard (1st year undergrad), oglethorpe (where i got my undergrad degree from), dekalb (took 1 class there) and uga (my masters). it'll cost me about $30.00 to do it, as 2 schools don't charge fees, *and* uga does not charge to send transcripts to itself.
and i just emailed pete to ask if he'll write me a letter as well. his campaign manager is pretty confident he will, but i just want to confirm, as to have all my ducks lined up early rather than later.
*sigh* there's so much more work to do, but i started it. *and* i emailed a H.O.N. friend. that felt good. i'll check in with others hopefully tonight. AND i'm on the list to assist in june. yeah.
Posted by brooke at 11:31 AM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 11 May 05
one would think...
that emailing and connecting with heart of now people would be easy, but i'm struggling because i want to be honest, but i don't want to burden them with the drama that my life has become since i arrived back in eugene.
i'm worried about not being able to find a job in time to take over my car payment. i'm worried about not being able to find a job and being stuck at home feeling useless. i'm worried about not being able to find a job that will give me the flexiblity to assist at heart of now as much as i'd like too. i'm worried about being so stuck in job hunt mode that i won't be able to study for the gre. i'm worried about so much that i'm loosing what i learned this weekend.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 11:54 PM
| comments (0)
what did i learn?
its been a whirlwind last 2 days. getting home, jumping back into my life, jumping back into currently filled with high drama. i'm glad i got some tools for myself this past weekend. i'm glad i went and really lived with some of the stress i deal with.
--
what did i learn last weekend?
i learned to be present in my own body.
i learned to be aware of my needs.
i learned that i can express my needs in a way that allows for others to express their needs as well.
i learned that people do see me, that i'm not always invisible.
i learned that people are not always going to do what i want them to do, but sometimes they actually will do what i want them to do.
i learned that i am likeable -- not by everyone, but thats okay, and if they don't like me, it is about them.
i learned the power of human touch, and that it is natural to crave it and want it.
i learned that human touch grounds you, that it connects you.
i learned that attachments are what they are, that its okay to be attached, but to let go of the results of those attachments.
i learned how to listen, how to be present and to open my mind as a person spoke, instead of paying attention to what i was going to say next.
---
like i said, i've jumped back into drama, i've jumped back into my life. i think i would have appreciated time away from it all, time to reflect, time not to go back into a life of denial, time to really contemplate how i was going to integrate these new things -- wants, needs, desires -- into a life that really is a rat race. i wish i had had that time just to be with it all. i didn't get it and i'm desperately trying to work all the pieces together.
i heard that whole communities have taken part in heart of now. i've heard that its changed how those communities work. i wish my community would do that, i wish it had. its a way of connecting at a heart level that is hard to convey unless you've done it. i'm grateful that a couple of those that i'm closest too have. in dealing with one high drama that i've been forced into i can talk to one of those folks with my intentions and needs and he hears it, he understands the language i'm trying to speak. but others, its harder, though they hear what i say, that connection that i so desire just isn't there.
Posted by brooke at 10:16 AM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 10 May 05
done.
it looks like i'll be out of a job by the end of this month. it'll suck to look for a new job, but it'll be okay, as i'm confident that i'll find one, and i'm confident that it will be better than this one.
i'm going to write about my experience out at heart of now. it is having a profound experience on me this morning. i'm accepting this circumstance at work with much more peace than if it had happened before the weekend.
i know that i am a worthy and talented person. i know that any entity would benefit in having me around.
i also know that i get to go back to heart of now in june as an assitant :)
Posted by brooke at 10:45 AM
| comments (0)
tired.
i'm exhausted this morning and my belly hurts.
i'd like to go back now, all the hugging and stuff that goes on there, thats really nice. but i must learn to manifest it for myself. yes i must.
my belly hurts this morning. the stress of the upcoming day, and not wanting to face it.
--
bath time.
Posted by brooke at 07:45 AM
| comments (0)
Monday, 9 May 05
i'm home.
it was a long weekend, full of tears (in fact i don't think they're quite done), and laughter (that definetly isn't done), but all goodness. really, lots and lots of goodness.
i've got a lot to process, a lot to think about, next steps to take. i'll probably be back with more once i process it more.
yes, there is more processing to do. (there is always more processing to do.)
btw. i was at heart of now.
Posted by brooke at 05:20 PM
| comments (0)
Friday, 6 May 05
sandee.
i don't normally do this, but as far as folks go in the blogsphere, but please keep sandee in your thoughts, hopes, prayers, meditations, wishes to the stars, moon and earth.
if you've ever run across sandee, or she's run across you, you know that she is one of the first to jump in with a kind word in times of need. i know she's got a lot of support, a lot of kindness around her, but there can never be too much kindness and support surrounding anyone.
Posted by brooke at 09:04 AM
| comments (1)
painful squared.
why is the american press not covering the elections in the UK? why are we not having election night returns here like they did there? why are the brits as stupid as the americans?
i mean, really y'all. SNAP TO IT. what happens there matters here. who is in power there WILL AFFECT OUR COUNTRY.
idiots.
if you've not heard, the brits have re-elected that big ol' wus, tony blair.
really.
what's worse, re-electing blair, or re-electing bush? psst. re-electing bush.. at least they have national health care.
but really. i know. the brits have a bit more brains than we do. at least they kept labour in. better than the conservatives. labour acting like moderate republicans. kinda like democrats acting like moderate conservatives??
*sigh*
and bush is saying the end times are coming? no. for him its all happening as he's planned.
*sigh*
maybe i should really consider hard finding a phd program in canada. i mean, really. there's one in montreal.
Posted by brooke at 12:08 AM
| comments (0)
Thursday, 5 May 05
dial up.
i'm on dial-up. holy fucker. its slow. my end of the dsl is working, qwest is not happy. at least in my region of things.
---
i've had a lot of thoughts tonight. mainly about how i couldn't connect. finally i remembered this last month of free aol with this new computer. i am so hooked on my laptop, my internet.
---
i'm really looking forward to a vacation with mom. and getting out of the country, even if its only for a few days, it'll still be good. i'll drive up to seattle and pick mom up, then we'll be off to vancouver. yeah! and its her treat. love mom. love the fact that she and i are close enough to want to do something like this together. love that she loves likes me enough to want to do this with me. love that i like her enough to do it. this weekend i'm bound to hear stories of people who don't have what i have with my ma. i'll be counting my lucky stars.
---
going to the library tommorrow before i head out of town. dropping off books, picking some up. must check out a book on vancouver.
Posted by brooke at 11:26 PM
| comments (0)
this and that.
mom and i are going to take a bit of a vacation. she suggested san francisco, i countered with vancouver, bc. i've never been. and we could make a quick stop at the university of washington as well.
i can't wait to write here that i've submitted all my applications. and that i've been accepted.
---
on that same note. along with a fear i won't be accepted to a phd program, my next big fear is that i won't get an assistantship.
---
on that same note. any must see places in vancouver for ma and i?
---
i did not stop at mcdonalds just now. though i wanted to -- wanted meat. instead of settled for my cup of yogurt. i'll go home in an hour and cook some chicken.
---
going to naka-ima tommorrow. okay, heart of now. 3 days of hippy dippy touchy-feely crap. hahahahahaha.
---
if your ipod suddenly gets kinda pissy at you, reset it. hold down the menu and play/pause button for 10 secs -- or so. it'll reset itself.
Posted by brooke at 12:13 PM
| comments (0)
Wednesday, 4 May 05
what if i don't get in?
to a ph.d. program? i'll be so screwed. and devastated.
Posted by brooke at 08:27 PM
| comments (0)
Tuesday, 3 May 05
anti war // heard on jay leno last night.
101 ways to stop the war in iraq
---
inside iraq -- the movie
---
When The President Talks To God
by Bright Eyes
When the president talks to God
Are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our women’s' rights
And send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
Does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed
When the president talks to God?
When the president talks to God
I wonder which one plays the better cop
We should find some jobs. the ghetto's broke
No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't
Just give 'em more liquor stores and dirty coke
That's what God recommends
When the president talks to God
Do they drink near beer and go play golf
While they pick which countries to invade
Which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess god just calls a spade a spade
When the president talks to God
When the president talks to God
Does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head
When he kneels next to the presidential bed
Does he ever smell his own bullshit
When the president talks to God?
I doubt it
I doubt it
Posted by brooke at 11:20 AM
| comments (0)
Sunday, 1 May 05
what a luxury!
i'm outside on my lawn. i love wireless!
---
my mom called just a bit ago. i love my ma. she assures me that even though i'm not studying for the gre, it is not a sign of my committment to getting my phd. yeah, if we don't have a deadline, its hard to motivate.
----
i've taken great refuge in reading over the last week. great refuge. i read incessantly these days. i'm cukrrently reading 2 books. i'm half way through one and a quarter of the way through the other.. i checked them out of the library yesterday, less than 24 hours ago. mom says -- you've always read a lot. i say -- reading is a great refuge, a great escape. fiction and non-fiction, please. but reality based fiction, no sci-fi or mysteries. don't like that much fantasy or suspense.
----
next weekend i'm going to heart of now, re: naka-ima. i told ma -- its hippy-dippy touchy feely crap. but friends have done it, and being that i'm in the land of the hippy-dippy, i might as well act like the local i'm becoming. ma says it'll be good, i agree.
---
whats on the agenda for the rest of today? i think i'll go for a bike ride. i've been eating incessantly as well as reading. luckily i was sick for a couple of weeks, so this eating is only putting on pounds i lost a couple of weeks ago. luckily my body is craving something that it normally doesn't -- vegetables, eggs, protein. yeah, my body is changing.. it knows what is good for it--- activity and healthy foods. yeah, its easier to give it crappy food.. we're battling to see who wins.. frankly, i'm rooting for it and not me.
whats on the rest of the agenda? not much. i need to update pete's website, i need to read some more. i need to get eggs cause my body wants those instead of peanut butter and honey for breakfast--- and not the eggs from winco-- cheap, but they were neon! ick. i'm also heading to my friend peter's house for a movie about iraq. i could skip the movie, but frankly i could use the company, and peter is a good friend.. he said to me the other day 'i remember what its like to be single, its lonely.' yeah, peter, it is, but luckily i've got friends who haven't forgotten.
Posted by brooke at 02:03 PM
| comments (0)
