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Wednesday, 15 June 05 :: those moments.

i'm processing non stop right now in my head. yeah.

i hadn't let myself feel that way with anyone in a long time. i hadn't let myself truly enjoy just a few moments of attraction and safety. i had denied it for so long, denied myself the pleasure of that feeling.

now, i don't know if he felt it as well. i don't know what he was thinking, but i know what i felt.

i keep going back to those moments. goddess. it was just so nice. like a good long drink of water after working out hard for a long time. the pleasure that you grant yourself when you give yourself permission to take a break and take that drink of water. i keep going back because that moment was so much better than my current moments.

i've always been afraid of it, allowing myself to feel that way. i knew that if it didn't become something that i could experience whenever i wanted that i simply didn't want a taste. i'm glad i got the taste. i'm glad i got the taste because its nice to know i can feel that way. its nice to know i've not become hard and bitter. its nice to know i can feel again.

i am desperate to go back out to catch those moments, i'm desperate to leave the stress of the current moments and to drink in that drug again.

i hope i can go back out next month. i hope i can go back out and have the high joys and the low lows, and experience more moments of safety in those loving arms out there.

posted by brooke at June 15, 2005 10:23 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.