« i turn the tv on .... |
home
| i'm just going to go hide. »
Thursday, 2 June 05 ::
taking a break from lots of stuff
i'm realizing that i'm going to have to take a break from lots of stuff until i get the gre under my belt. and until i get this new job up and running. i am simply too stressed to try to save everything and to be everything for every body. i am a bit too human for my own good, and though i would like to be able to do 18 hour days and not think about it, what i can realistically do right now is not that. i'm going to have to tell friends -- too late, i had the time when we talked, but you took too much time, and i don't have the time anymore. i'm going to have to tell people that my job is important, and getting into grad school is equally important. that my future is dependent upon me being able to say no right now. that if i don't get time alone, time to exercise, time to ground and do simple things like baking bread, time with those of my dearest friends just to be, that i will not be pleasant to be around. i need to not feel so wound up all the time, i desperately need to learn how to turn it off.. to not stay up late worrying about everything else i need to be doing, or could be doing to get every signature. i want to enjoy this new challenge, i want to thrive, i don't want it to eat me alive.. if i don't do what i need to do to fully take care of myself, it will eat me alive. i'm not in graduate school right now, i'm still learning to deal with the stress.
--
other stuff.
i wish i hadn't developed professional ethics over the last few months, because i would desperately like to tell about why i'm leaving my current job. i would desperately like to write about the board member has never said a word about the email he accidentally sent to an address i read because it is on my job duties that i cried about for 2 days. i would desperately like to write about the other board member who just has no tact and has so many issues that they don't know about that they project their stuff on to innocent staff members with a huge bitch slap. i would desperately like to write about how the organization is moving way to slowly for the crisis it is in. i would desperately like to stick up for the people that members of the organization are demonizing that are really just good people who are tired. i would desperately like to write about the dysfunction in the communication that goes on here, and how it hasn't been in my tenure here that that has been the case, but how i was made to feel that i was at fault. i would desperately like to write about it all, and how incredibly difficult the whole situation has been on me...
but i won't. i won't go into specific details, i won't go tattling, i won't tell them what my last straw was. i won't give in to the gossip, and the negativity. but i will do what i just did, because somehow i needed to get it out.
--
and last stuff.
i have a book waiting for me at the library, that i'm going to go pick up in a few minutes.. my sister's keeper --- sarahlynn wrote about it, and it sounded really good. drama intensive, but goddess knows i love drama! it will be nice to escape into it some TODAY. thanks sarah for the recommendation :)
i AM ALSO going to the kiva to pick up some emergen'c. with all the stress i'm under right now, i desperately need the boost for my immune system that all those vitamins will provide me.
---
i think i am going to stop emailing from my bed. i have a tiny apartment and will be working out of my home. i need a space where work is simply not allowed. all this stuff for this job is in my living room, i must make my bedroom my place where i can escape from everything.
... till next time.. from the living room.
posted by brooke at June 2, 2005 10:29 AM
