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Tuesday, 28 February 06
bush funny.
thanks susan! this was funny.
ahahahahahahahahaha.
Posted by brooke at 11:09 PM
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tfd
It is not proper to watch other people. This will not help your practice. If you are annoyed, watch the annoyance in your own mind. If others' discipline is bad or they are not good monks, this is not for you to judge. You will not discover widsom watching others. Monks' discipline is a tool to use for your own meditation. It is not a weapon to use to criticize or find fault. No one can do your practice for you, nor can you do practice for anyone else. Just be mindful of your own doings. This is the way to practice.
-Ajahn Chah, "Bodhinyana"
Posted by brooke at 09:52 AM
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OUCH.
cramps. ouch. crap. ouch.
yeah. i hate being woken up in the middle of the night like this.
crap.
Posted by brooke at 05:06 AM
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Monday, 27 February 06
battered and bruised
i'm feeling rather battered and bruised these days. for the last couple of weeks i held up, but the last few days i've just crashed. there's way too much unknown in my life right now for me to truly relax. i'm a planner by nature, and the very nature of my life right now won't allow me to plan very far into the future. in rough moments i'm able to look to the future and plan a future not as bleak as those rough moments.. but right now.. i simply cannot do that. i try as i might not to let all of it get to me, but it does.. and now i find myself easily flustered by change in plans of the moment.. e.g. someone wants me to go to the restroom with them, but i'm supposed to walk some place with other folks, and if i go to the restroom i'll end up having to catch up with them. may not sound like a big deal, but for me, having control over the moment feels like the only thing i have control over. its hard to live in the present when i'm trying to control it. *sigh*
----
i'm not sure what i'm doing over the weekend yet. this isn't like me. there's a workshop at lost valley that i may attend, though i honestly don't feel able to hold space for anyone right now. i was going to go to something else out there saturday night, but a friend who i've not spent much time alone with invited me to dinner, and i'm reluctant to turn her down. we'll see. i did throw back at her a whole evening of plans.. not just dinner. if i'm going to miss what is happening at lost valley i'd rather spend the whole evening, not just dinner. i'm not sure yet what i'll do during the day either. there is a possiblity to go to pdx, but i probably wouldn't get back in time for dinner.. i dunno. we'll see.
---
on that note, i'm tired. i'm going to go curl up with a book and go to sleep, soon i hope.
Posted by brooke at 11:36 PM
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okay, this got to me.
from common dreams.
Guantanamo: American Gulag
by Thomas Wilner
The American prison camp at Guantanamo Bay is on the southeast corner of Cuba, a sliver of land the United States has occupied since 1903. Long ago, it was irrigated from lakes on the other side of the island, but Cuban President Fidel Castro cut off the water supply years ago. So today, Guantanamo produces its own water from a 30-year-old desalination plant. The water has a distinct yellow tint. All Americans drink bottled water imported by the planeload. Until recently, prisoners drank the yellow water.
The prison overlooks the sea, but the ocean cannot be seen by prisoners. Guard towers and stadium lights loom along the perimeter. On my last visit, we were escorted by young, solemn military guards whose nameplates on their shirts were taped over so that prisoners could not identify them.
Very few outsiders are allowed to see the prisoners. The government has orchestrated some carefully controlled tours for the media and members of Congress, but has repeatedly refused to allow these visitors, representatives of the United Nations, human rights groups or nonmilitary doctors and psychiatrists to meet or speak with prisoners. So far, the only outsiders who have done so are representatives of the International Committee of the Red Cross — who are prohibited by their own rules from disclosing what they find — and lawyers for the prisoners.
I am one of those lawyers. I represent six Kuwaiti prisoners, each of whom has now spent nearly four years at Guantanamo. It took me 2 1/2 years to gain access to my clients, but now I have visited the prison camp 11 times in the last 14 months. What I have witnessed is a cruel and eerie netherworld of concrete and barbed wire that has become a daily nightmare for the nearly 500 people swept up after 9/11 who have been imprisoned without charges or trial for more than four years. It is truly our American gulag.
On my most recent trip three weeks ago, after signing a log sheet and submitting our bags to a search, my colleagues and I were taken through two tall, steel-mesh gates into the interior of the prison camp.
We interviewed our clients in Camp Echo, one of several camps where prisoners are interrogated. We entered a room about 13 feet square and divided in half by a wall of thick steel mesh. On one side was a table where the prisoner would sit for our interviews, his feet shackled to a steel eyelet cemented to the floor. On the other side were a shower and a cell just like the ones in which prisoners are ordinarily confined. In their cells, prisoners sleep on a metal shelf against the wall, which is flanked by a toilet and sink. They are allowed a thin foam mattress and a gray cotton blanket.
The Pentagon's files on the six Kuwaiti prisoners we represent reveal that none was captured on a battlefield or accused of engaging in hostilities against the U.S. The prisoners claim that they were taken into custody by Pakistani and Afghan warlords and turned over to the U.S. for bounties ranging from $5,000 to $25,000 — a claim confirmed by American news reports. We have obtained copies of bounty leaflets distributed in Afghanistan and Pakistan by U.S. forces promising rewards — "enough to feed your family for life" — for any "Arab terrorist" handed over.
The files include only the flimsiest accusations or hearsay that would never stand up in court. The file on one prisoner indicated that he had been seen talking to two suspected Al Qaeda members on the same day — at places thousands of miles apart. The primary "evidence" against another was that he was captured wearing a particular Casio watch, "which many terrorists wear." Oddly, the same watch was being worn by the U.S. military chaplain, a Muslim, at Guantanamo.
When I first met my clients, they had not seen or spoken with their families for more than three years, and they had been questioned hundreds of times. Several were suspicious of us; they told me that they had been interrogated by people who claimed to be their lawyers but who turned out not to be. So we had DVDs made, on which members of their families told them who we were and that we could be trusted. Several cried on seeing their families for the first time in years. One had become a father since he was detained and had never before seen his child. One noticed his father was not on the DVD, and we had to tell him that his father had died.
Most prisoners are kept apart, although some can communicate through the steel mesh or concrete walls that separate their cells. They exercise alone, some only at night. They had not seen sunlight for months — an especially cruel tactic in a tropical climate. One prisoner told me, "I have spent almost every moment of the last three years, and eaten every meal, here in this small cell which is my bathroom." Other than the Koran, prisoners had nothing to read. As a result of our protests, some have been given books.
Every prisoner I've interviewed claims to have been badly beaten and subjected to treatment that only could be called torture, by Americans, from the first day of U.S. captivity in Pakistan and Afghanistan. They said they were hung by their wrists and beaten, hung by their ankles and beaten, stripped naked and paraded before female guards, and given electric shocks. At least three claimed to have been beaten again upon arrival in Guantanamo. One of my clients, Fayiz Al Kandari, now 27, said his ribs were broken during an interrogation in Pakistan. I felt the indentation in his ribs. "Beat me all you want, just give me a hearing," he said he told his interrogators.
Another prisoner, Fawzi Al Odah, 25, is a teacher who left Kuwait City in 2001 to work in Afghan, then Pakistani, schools. After 9/11, he and four other Kuwaitis were invited to dinner by a Pakistani tribal leader and then sold by him into captivity, according to their accounts, later confirmed by Newsweek and ABC News.
On Aug. 8, 2005, Fawzi, in desperation, went on a hunger strike to assert his innocence and to protest being imprisoned for four years without charges. He said he wanted to defend himself against any accusations, or die. He told me that he had heard U.S. congressmen had returned from tours of Guantanamo saying that it was a Caribbean resort with great food. "If I eat, I condone these lies," Fawzi said.
At the end of August, after Fawzi fainted in his cell, guards began to force-feed him through tubes pushed up his nose into his stomach. At first, the tubes were inserted for each feeding and then removed afterward. Fawzi told me that this was very painful. When he tried to pull out the tubes, he was strapped onto a stretcher with his head held by many guards, which was even more painful.
By mid-September, the force-feeding had been made more humane. Feeding tubes were left in and the formula pumped in. Still, when I saw Fawzi, a tube was protruding from his nose. Drops of blood dripped as we talked. He dabbed at it with a napkin.
We asked for Fawzi's medical records so we could monitor his weight and his health. Denied. The only way we could learn how Fawzi was doing was to visit him each month, which we did. When we visited him in November, his weight had dropped from 140 pounds to 98 pounds. Specialists in enteral feeding advised us that the continued drop in his weight and other signs indicated that the feeding was being conducted incompetently. We asked that Fawzi be transferred to a hospital. Again, the government refused.
When we saw Fawzi in December, his weight had stabilized at about 110 pounds. The formulas had been changed, and he was being force-fed by medical personnel rather than by guards.
When I met with Fawzi three weeks ago, the tubes were out of his nose. I told him I was thankful that after five months he had ended his hunger strike. He looked at me sadly and said, "They tortured us to make us stop." At first, he said, they punished him by taking away his "comfort items" one by one: his blanket, his towel, his long pants, his shoes. They then put him in isolation. When this failed to persuade him to end the hunger strike, he said, an officer came to him Jan. 9 to announce that any detainee who refused to eat would be forced onto "the chair." The officer warned that recalcitrant prisoners would be strapped into a steel device that pulled their heads back, and that the tubes would be forced in and wrenched out for each feeding. "We're going to break this hunger strike," the officer told him.
Fawzi said he heard the prisoner next door screaming and warning him to give up the strike. He decided that he wasn't "on strike to be tortured." He said those who continued on the hunger strike not only were strapped in "the chair" but were left there for hours; he believes that guards fed them not only nutrients but also diuretics and laxatives to force them to defecate and urinate on themselves in the chair.
After less than two weeks of this treatment, the strike was over. Of the more than 80 strikers at the end of December, Fawzi said only three or four were holding out. As a result of the strike, however, prisoners are now getting a meager ration of bottled water.
Fawzi said eating was the only aspect of life at Guantanamo he could control; forcing him to end the hunger strike stripped him of his last means of protesting his unjust imprisonment. Now, he said, he feels "hopeless."
The government continues to deny that there is any injustice at Guantanamo. But I know the truth.
Thomas Wilner is a partner at Shearman & Sterling, which has been representing Kuwaiti prisoners in Guantanamo since early 2002.
Posted by brooke at 10:41 AM
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Sunday, 26 February 06
up, again.
< dad, let me know if you mind me talking about this here. >
-
dad's psa scores rose again. december and january. he's doing 48 treatments of radiation over the next 4 months. damn.
this afternoon i was pretty cool about it. taking it in, and as people were telling me i needed to get a headset for my phone, spitting back at them -- you know, it doesn't matter what we do, in the end some folks get cancer, some folks don't... see dad? did everything right, and now he has a stage 4 cancer. so, so what?
but tonight. anyhow, its good to cry about it. get scared. i know plenty of people who are dealing with the same disease in their families. its nice to know i'm we're not alone. but goddess, i wish we were. i wish so many others didn't know this. and goddess, i wish it were me and not him. i have hope that this will turn things around, but it doesn't mean i'm not sad. i'm not sad about death, thats not what upsets me, because i'm really hopefull that this will turn it around.. i'm sad that my dad has to face this. i'm sad that he has to drive 18 hours a week treating this. i'm sad that he has to go to new york to see his doctor. i'm sad that he has to face the unknown numbers every month. i'm sad that my dad has to go through all this. he's a good man, he's worked hard all his life, and he shouldn't have to go through this. i'm sad because my dad can't be carefree, looking forward to retirement and long days and afternoons on the river and days of taking care of his wife and cooking, and being a grandfather, and and. i'm sad that dad has to deal with all this. i wish it were me. really. i have a whole life ahead of me. he needs to be retired and playing.
Posted by brooke at 10:33 PM
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Saturday, 25 February 06
no fire for gitmo.
i went to see a play tonight about guantanamo bay, and the horrors that are happening down there. i learned a lot about gitmo bay back when i was doing bill of rights defense committee work. what i heard tonight wasn't new for me.. i mean, the individual facts were new, but the whole concept of gitmo being a concentration camp was not new news.
when the play was over i walked over to a friend of mine and said 'i just don't have the fire anymore.' i mean, i hear this play, and in the past i would have gotten all fired up about going out and getting angry and protesting and all that.. but, well.. its just not there.
its not that i don't care, and its not that i don't get angry.. but i know what it takes to get all riled up, i know what it takes to make a small amount of change in the realm of world politics. i guess i'm just a big wus, i guess i don't care as much as i once did, or.. i dunno, but i don't have it in me to try to get people all fired up to go out and plead politicians to do the thing that is right and just.
its not that i'm bitter, its just that i don't have the energy for it. okay, thats a lie, i still am somewhat bitter. even tonight i heard someone say 'here's an idea, now someone take it and run with it.' my attitude is 'its your idea, now run with it yourself.. most of the people in this room are already running with their own ideas.'
but beyond that, the things i'm hearing that the public are just starting to get, i feel like i knew a few years ago. i get it that the bush administration is doing all sorts of bad stuff. i've done what i can, and now i've turned my energy elsewhere. there's a lot of healing that needs to take place in this country. the last 4.5 years have been full of a lot of icky arguing. the last 4.5 years have been a time of great unrest on every level. the country is starting to swing back politically, and along with that swing, a lot of healing needs to happen. and thats where i'm at. healing myself, doing what i can to hold space for others who are healing themselves as well.
so no, i'm not all fired up anymore. i'm glad others are. i'm glad others are still really pissed off. i'm glad.. i'm glad others feel the need to take the torch and carry it. and while they do that, i think i'll go find a nice couch and invite others to come curl up with me on that couch. we'll cheer on those who are carrying the torch and we'll save space for them on the couch for when they want to take a break, rest and heal.
Posted by brooke at 10:46 PM
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Friday, 24 February 06
yeah, so.
i've decided that i'm no longer working on any grants with organizations that i'm not being paid by.. if i'm not getting any money from that grant.
sorry. but i'm putting in my free time. i've put in my free time. today i'm rather frustrated by that fact.
--
i just emailed uga to follow up about when i may hear about my acceptance or not to their program.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 10:31 AM
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some facts about the usa
i liked tertia's facts about south africa so much that i'd thought i'd offer you 3 of my own about my own country:
1% of the population of america controls 47% of the wealth
19% of the population of america controls 44 % of the wealth.
80% (the majority of the country) of the population of america controls the remaining 9% of the wealth.
just think what could happen of the 80% that controls 9% of the wealth decided to rise up and take a few percentage points of wealth back from the 1%ers and the 19%ers. i think they'd be pissed.
--
my friend t turns voting age today. i hope she registers democrat so she can vote for pete
Posted by brooke at 09:38 AM
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Thursday, 23 February 06
to: ma
from: me
subj: i put it this way
'yeah, i have family ties to ethiopia'.. don't we consider d--- and m-- family? i have to admit i always wonder if people look at my blonde hair and blue eyes, and terribly fair skin and wonder how i turned how so european if we have family ties to ethopia!
love,
me
Posted by brooke at 12:19 AM
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Wednesday, 22 February 06
"do not worry for my comfort, do not sorrow for me so, all your diamond tears will rise up and adorn the sky beside me when i go" ~misty river.
dear baba.
it was 3 years ago that you left us. oh baba, your absense in my life, the permanence of your absence.. there are days in this time that are harder than the day you left us.
back then the fact that you weren't around -- it wasn't as hard. you weren't a part of my day to day life. you were a part of my life, but.. now that its been over 3 years since i've seen you last, now i'm really beginning to get it. now, that its been over 3 years since i've seen the 2 of you last, i get it. this death thing baba, this death thing and the fact that i will never see you again.. it sucks.
you know, i'm a different person now. oh baba, did you know that? i was such a little shit back ago. goddess, i just didn't appreciate you for who you were. did you know i loved you anyways? did you know that even though i was often impatient and short with you that i loved you? i hope you knew that it was going to take me growing up to really appreciate all the gifts you had to offer me. i'm sorry it took until after you left us for me to grow up.
i miss you. i wish you were here. i could use your wisdom on the days that dad's illness has me down. i could use your care on days when life has decided to smack me again. i could use you imparting how you gained such patience with me on days when i'm a grumpy impatient fuck.
oh baba. oh grandad. i miss y'all. i really do. some people talk about seeing their loved ones later.. i'll be honest, while i'd love to be able to think that is true, frankly i don't believe it. i don't believe that we'll all see each other 'on the other side.'
i do believe, though, for as long as i am alive you will remain a part of me.. in my mind, in my heart. i do believe that when i think i'm talking to you, that i really am. i do believe that while i don't think i'll see you 'on the other side' that enough of you remains here for me to connect with. you are all over my home, you are in the connections i have with dad, susie, tom, zack, mom, and all the rest.. you are in my very cells.
i love you baba. i love you from the bottom of my heart, too the moon and back again. i love you too grandad. from the bottom of my heart, too the moon and back again.
love,
me. (your granddaughter -- the short one)
Posted by brooke at 01:01 AM
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Tuesday, 21 February 06
yeah, what this says.
"Oppression relies on relationship dynamics movtivated by habit, fear or sense of obligation. The practice of honesty in the Heart of Now works towards exposing those underlying factors and reveals an opportunity to make a different choice. Without dictating what is "right" or "wrong", the Heart of Now encourages participants to be fully aware of the choices they make and the power they have in each moment."
Posted by brooke at 07:07 PM
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Saturday, 18 February 06
bed
it ended up being a super crappy day. i mean, the coffee high and stuff was great during the day, but at the end, well.. the end of the day slowly fell apart. i went to a meeting grumpy and short. apologized and all.. but, still. and then discharged on ususpecting new friend m. poor thing. *sigh*
did i mention i ran into sweet friend b the other day? i really like her, and her energy. she's a friend from heart of now, and we just happened to be crossing the street at the same intersection.. i was having a crappy day, and it was wonderful to see her, and to hear that she's glad i'm going to dinner one night of heart of now this weekend.
it feels good not to be at heart of now this weekend, because the last course just has so much pain involved in it for me.. but it doesn't mean i don't miss my friends. i might very well go out tommorrow for dinner, even though i'd told everyone to expect me on sunday. i'll have to see how tired i am tommorrow after our long day. it begins soon for me.. and i still have a night to sleep. *sigh* but in realizing i could go out to dexter tommorrow night if i so pleased, i smiled and got excited. there are a few people in particular i hope to see and just get some hugs from.. *sigh* so yeah, even though its loaded out there for me, there is still some safety there. i tell ya, thats a nice realization at this hour of the night, when earlier today i'd seen the place as being completely unsafe. i'm glad i'm excited to go out for a meal. no committments to this particular course, just seeing all my friends in one place.. maybe i'll go out for dinner saturday and sunday.
anyhow, i need to think about sleep. or at least getting off the computer.
nighty night.
Posted by brooke at 12:21 AM
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Friday, 17 February 06
really./
i shouldn't be allowed out in public. really.
.. what was that loud, hoping to blame someone else for their stupdidity, OOOOWW! coming above the popular home-stuff store in downtown small hippie metropolis in oregon? yeah, one of the staff members at that non-profit who, at 4'8 and 3/4", wasn't quite short enough this morning.
blach.
on the ipod:
"...another martyr sings the blues...." yeah, dig it.
blach.
--
must go try to convince the media to cover a second planting event in as many weeks. fun fun fun i tell ya. loads of it.
the bright moment of the day? will come when co-worker who has had an exceptionally bad week discovers the chocolate in her box. yeah, i know, its all about me, and the pleasure i'll get when i see that thankful smile. yeah yeah, its all about me. but at least i'm doing it at her expense.. see, i do have a bit of a heart.
--
really, i entertain myself. ha! someone's gotta do it, yes?
Posted by brooke at 10:26 AM
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continue to be crabby
yes. crabby mood continues. blach. fuck. yeah. okay, not you, but it fits so well after fuck.. fuck you. blach. i know, i'm way super pleasant, eh?
but you know what is kinda cool? a screen shot of a website i did back during my masters program is being included in a textbook. isn't that cool? i think it is.
and i started my first sock last night. those little wooden needles feel like toothpicks in my hands! i fear breaking those $6.95 set of 5 toothpicks. but hey, if i do -- now that i know -- i'll just go to the grocery store and get a box of toothpicks.. interchangeable.
Posted by brooke at 09:31 AM
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Thursday, 16 February 06
annoyed. and more.
i'm in a semi-permanent state of annoyance these days. at myself, at circumstances i can't control, at.. just.. *sigh* its simply a permanent state of annoyance.
---
that said. i have everything i need to knit my first pair of socks. yarn, needles, pattern. and a nice woman at the knitting shop who said i could come ask for help when i get to the heel. now i just need to figure out the throat (?) of the sock, the easy part.
i have a knitting date with 2 friends tommorrow. maybe they'll be able to help me get these things going. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 10:43 PM
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Wednesday, 15 February 06
thought for the day
"When you come to the end of all the light you know,
and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:
Either you will be given something solid to stand on or
you will be taught to fly."
-Edward Teller
Posted by brooke at 09:57 PM
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hell of a lot easier
i definetly think its easier to keep people at arms length rather than bringing them close. yeah. i think i'm just going to continue stuff it with coffee.
yeah. thats the lesson i took from the last course. thats the lesson i feel like i continue to take.
Posted by brooke at 11:56 AM
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Tuesday, 14 February 06
still funny and more.
okay, i have to admit, i still think this whole 'hunting quayle' thing is funny. not laugh out loud funny, but chuckle to myself funny.
------
its snowing. it just started. it doesn't snow here in the valley, ever.
AND. gotta goota the non-profit. gotta make a to do list. somehow it feels not enough is on it.
psssst. 30 minutes later, its still snowing.
-----
see this? its me on the group snow trip. see how happy i look? thats not a look that has spent a lot of time on my face.. i mean, the utter joy. really. for those of you who don't know me very well, this is actual joy.. people's perceptions may vary. but yeah, this is the reason i'm doing what i'm doing right now.. i know its not sustainable, and eventually soon i have to think about what next, but for now i'll take this. that look in my eyes is worth every bit of what i'm doing right now, and why i'm doing it, and for the reasons and the intentions i started doing it back around christmas. i'm happy right now. as long as i stay in the present, i am. this picture is proof. i can't deny it.
Posted by brooke at 09:03 AM
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Monday, 13 February 06
okay dad, i got the pma thing
i read this over at the site of a little girl who is fighting leukemia:
It [cancer] can take away your health or your hair, but cancer doesn’t automatically take away your hope, you allow it to. It doesn’t take away your dignity, you allow it to. And it damn well has no business taking away your resolve, unless you allow it to. Every aspect of your coping is yours to control. When you don't make the conscious decision to apply that control, you are making the unconscious decision to forfeit that control to cancer. You may not even realize that you are doing it, but no decision is still a decision, but by omission. And cancer will gladly and greedily take as much as you allow it to.
Don’t let it! Stare your demon square in the eye and yell “NO!” Make the conscious decision to fight cancer on each and every front. Physically. Emotionally. Psychologically. Spiritually. Any ‘ally’ you can think of, draw your line in the sand and spit in cancer’s face! I know first hand how difficult it is to do, and I in no way mean to trivialize what is undoubtedly the defining challenge of our entire lives. But you have to do it, man, you just have to. You and the wonderful people that love you deserve nothing less. Do all the things that make life the beautiful commodity that it is. Love like it’s Valentine’s Day every day. Laugh like you’re Chris Rock’s drinking buddy.
Not because of cancer, but despite it.
thanks juliana's dad. you rock.
-harry's daughter.
Posted by brooke at 10:29 PM
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thought for the day
Better than a thousand useless words is one word that gives peace. -Buddha
Posted by brooke at 11:26 AM
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Sunday, 12 February 06
tell me i'm not the only one.. really.
please, tell me i'm not the only one, who when they heard that cheney was hunting quail, when his hunting accident happened, didn't think 'Quayle' and at least chuckle some.
--
in other news, it was a beautiful day in the valley. i got on my bike for the first time in too long of a time, and did a couple of small errands.. goddess, that was nice. i did a bit of laundry, some knitting, and talked to a few teens. yes, after during one of those teen conversations i thought to myself 'i certainly never expected this to be a result of heart of now.' no, i never did.
Posted by brooke at 11:13 PM
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Thursday, 9 February 06
whats on my mind?
>> this squeezing of my head into a new shape is really hard. huh? yeah, learning how to work with teens the way the non-profit i do some work with does is pretty hard. i mean, it sounds easy and logical.. but in practice? jezzus. making sure i get it right, making sure that the teens don't feel overpowered, yet making sure that needs to get done gets done.. its a difficult task. meeting needs of both teens and adults.
>> i'm having a difficult conversation with a friend tommorrow. fuck. yeah, the simple clearing that happened the other day between me and c was hard enough, but to hear some of the things friend r may say to me tommorrow.. well, thats difficult to think about. and its difficult to think about everything i have to say to her, but to know that tommorrow isn't the time to say everything. anyhow. this friendship means a lot to me, and i'm likely to hear that it doesn't mean as much to her, not like i'd originally thought. *sigh* oh, and after r and i talk i have to head to a meeting at the non-profit i work with. and there's even more to that story, but that would ruin all semblances of confidentiality because of .. nevermind. but later in the day r and i have a knitting date with a friend of hers who is becoming a friend of mine. anyhow. difficult conversation = not a lot of fun.
that said, its bedtime.
i wonder if emilin had the baby? i hope so. and i hope s/he, emilin and brooke (a different brooke) are all healthy and happy.
and that little girl with cancer -- christi thomas -- i'm continuing to keep her in my prayers. (yes, i pray)
Posted by brooke at 11:36 PM
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Wednesday, 8 February 06
tired.
i'm exhausted today. feeling a bit overwhelmed by lots of things. anyhow.
i've not talked to my uncle t in nearly 3 years. its occured to me that he and i have someone that we both love tremendously who is dealing with some pretty big stuff, health wise, and really, we should connect. we have a shared history, we have shared connections, we have shared dna for christs sake. t and i are family, and if things get bad with my father's health, t and i should be able come together and support each other. there should be some common language there. so, i'll give him a call in the next day or so, just to say -- hey uncle t, you were one of my most very favourite people when i was growing up, i want to reconnect, as adults, after all, i do love you bunches.
anyhow, maybe he'll be receptive, maybe he won't.. but at least i'll have tried.
Posted by brooke at 11:11 AM
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Tuesday, 7 February 06
can't focus
i can't focus today. trying, hard. making to do lists and kinda getting through them. *sigh* but my mind is on something else, and setting up time to chat with someone. anyhow.
dad is starting radiation tommorrow. 48 treatments? anyhow, i'm glad this time hasn't brought the flood of tears that last time did. i think last time he went through this i was just starting to wrap my head around that dad has cancer, this time i've been able to see him rececently, and he does look good. and he's still working and all that. but, i think getting to see him really made the difference between these radiation treatments and the last one. but even so, and even so dad is super healthy, i wouldn't object to good thoughts being sent his way, good thoughts that this could do what the docs all say it won't do -- not just about managing the illness but killing it all. i know, a girl can hope, can't she?
anyhow, all this radiation treatment, well it makes me think about the fact that i've not heard from georgia yet. while i love eugene, and its home, if i get into georgia dad's illness will be a heavy weight for me to go -- beyond the fact that its just a great program. dad says that the docs all say that this cancer will eventually kill him.. and if it gets bad, i'd like to be on the east coast with him. but, no one really knows.
anyhow.
focus. yeah, its about focus, eh? gotta go do it.
Posted by brooke at 12:24 PM
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Sunday, 5 February 06
learned
i got to chat with someone x about someone y else today. it was a heartening chat because i got to see that my reactions to someone y's actions were / are pretty normal.. but now, now i question my judgement in bringing y into my life. if i'd known back then what i know now, i would have likely kept my distance from y. but i didn't, and i'm reluctant to create distance. i need to email y about getting together to talk.. but tonight its just tears. just lots of tears at a hurt by y that i've stuffed down that came up today, and wishing that person m were here just to hold me. m has been a safe person for me throughout these months, when they are around and i hurt, m has said just what i needed to hear. i may call m in the morning to see if they are available to chat some about this situation with y and another, unrelated situation. i could use some of m's clarity, wisdom and tenderness right now.
Posted by brooke at 09:23 PM
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Saturday, 4 February 06
on ward and on
didn't get to sleep till WAY late last night. and now, 1.5 hours at a workshop this morning, quick trip home to check mail, eat lunch, and on to a 3 hour workshop. in order to survive that one, i think i'll stop for coffee. yes, coffee. the nectar of the goddess. after that, 3.5 hours off and then on to a friend's birthday potluck. i'll get to see my 2 favourite dogs in the whole world, and one of my most very favourite cats. i don't like potlucks, but i like black dogs. and my friend of course :)
Posted by brooke at 12:17 PM
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Friday, 3 February 06
b
b is for brooke. who tried to go see bell hooks, but bell was sold out.. so brooke when shopping for bras for her new boobs. and when brooke tried the new boob bras on, she discovered that her new boobs are b's. yes, new boob b bras for brooke who didn't get to see bell.
---
and a quick thought.
wtf is this obsession with underwire bras?? i don't think i wore one till i was around 25, and then a couple of years later i simply switched to champion sports bras with my dd's.. and now, with these b cups -- i guess i didn't realize the obsession with underwire. the women on the br support board i frequent are actually saying their plastic surgeon's are telling them to wear underwire bras.
*sigh*
i'm going to have a talk with my friend who goes to my ps appointments with me, and if he brings it up, me wearing an underwire bra, i need her to back me up in NOT wearing one. i only wore one of those painful fuckers for a couple of years with the dd's, and i'm simply not going to wear one with the b's.
good goddess.. patriarchy rearing its head. good goddess.
Posted by brooke at 09:41 PM
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Thursday, 2 February 06
still not heard
i've still not heard from the program in georgia. i thought i was supposed to hear by the end of the month -- january. *sigh* its getting to me.
Posted by brooke at 10:56 AM
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