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Wednesday, 22 February 06 ::
"do not worry for my comfort, do not sorrow for me so, all your diamond tears will rise up and adorn the sky beside me when i go" ~misty river.
dear baba.
it was 3 years ago that you left us. oh baba, your absense in my life, the permanence of your absence.. there are days in this time that are harder than the day you left us.
back then the fact that you weren't around -- it wasn't as hard. you weren't a part of my day to day life. you were a part of my life, but.. now that its been over 3 years since i've seen you last, now i'm really beginning to get it. now, that its been over 3 years since i've seen the 2 of you last, i get it. this death thing baba, this death thing and the fact that i will never see you again.. it sucks.
you know, i'm a different person now. oh baba, did you know that? i was such a little shit back ago. goddess, i just didn't appreciate you for who you were. did you know i loved you anyways? did you know that even though i was often impatient and short with you that i loved you? i hope you knew that it was going to take me growing up to really appreciate all the gifts you had to offer me. i'm sorry it took until after you left us for me to grow up.
i miss you. i wish you were here. i could use your wisdom on the days that dad's illness has me down. i could use your care on days when life has decided to smack me again. i could use you imparting how you gained such patience with me on days when i'm a grumpy impatient fuck.
oh baba. oh grandad. i miss y'all. i really do. some people talk about seeing their loved ones later.. i'll be honest, while i'd love to be able to think that is true, frankly i don't believe it. i don't believe that we'll all see each other 'on the other side.'
i do believe, though, for as long as i am alive you will remain a part of me.. in my mind, in my heart. i do believe that when i think i'm talking to you, that i really am. i do believe that while i don't think i'll see you 'on the other side' that enough of you remains here for me to connect with. you are all over my home, you are in the connections i have with dad, susie, tom, zack, mom, and all the rest.. you are in my very cells.
i love you baba. i love you from the bottom of my heart, too the moon and back again. i love you too grandad. from the bottom of my heart, too the moon and back again.
love,
me. (your granddaughter -- the short one)
posted by brooke at February 22, 2006 01:01 AM
