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Sunday, 26 February 06 ::
up, again.
< dad, let me know if you mind me talking about this here. >
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dad's psa scores rose again. december and january. he's doing 48 treatments of radiation over the next 4 months. damn.
this afternoon i was pretty cool about it. taking it in, and as people were telling me i needed to get a headset for my phone, spitting back at them -- you know, it doesn't matter what we do, in the end some folks get cancer, some folks don't... see dad? did everything right, and now he has a stage 4 cancer. so, so what?
but tonight. anyhow, its good to cry about it. get scared. i know plenty of people who are dealing with the same disease in their families. its nice to know i'm we're not alone. but goddess, i wish we were. i wish so many others didn't know this. and goddess, i wish it were me and not him. i have hope that this will turn things around, but it doesn't mean i'm not sad. i'm not sad about death, thats not what upsets me, because i'm really hopefull that this will turn it around.. i'm sad that my dad has to face this. i'm sad that he has to drive 18 hours a week treating this. i'm sad that he has to go to new york to see his doctor. i'm sad that he has to face the unknown numbers every month. i'm sad that my dad has to go through all this. he's a good man, he's worked hard all his life, and he shouldn't have to go through this. i'm sad because my dad can't be carefree, looking forward to retirement and long days and afternoons on the river and days of taking care of his wife and cooking, and being a grandfather, and and. i'm sad that dad has to deal with all this. i wish it were me. really. i have a whole life ahead of me. he needs to be retired and playing.
posted by brooke at February 26, 2006 10:33 PM
