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Monday, 27 February 06 :: battered and bruised

i'm feeling rather battered and bruised these days. for the last couple of weeks i held up, but the last few days i've just crashed. there's way too much unknown in my life right now for me to truly relax. i'm a planner by nature, and the very nature of my life right now won't allow me to plan very far into the future. in rough moments i'm able to look to the future and plan a future not as bleak as those rough moments.. but right now.. i simply cannot do that. i try as i might not to let all of it get to me, but it does.. and now i find myself easily flustered by change in plans of the moment.. e.g. someone wants me to go to the restroom with them, but i'm supposed to walk some place with other folks, and if i go to the restroom i'll end up having to catch up with them. may not sound like a big deal, but for me, having control over the moment feels like the only thing i have control over. its hard to live in the present when i'm trying to control it. *sigh*

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i'm not sure what i'm doing over the weekend yet. this isn't like me. there's a workshop at lost valley that i may attend, though i honestly don't feel able to hold space for anyone right now. i was going to go to something else out there saturday night, but a friend who i've not spent much time alone with invited me to dinner, and i'm reluctant to turn her down. we'll see. i did throw back at her a whole evening of plans.. not just dinner. if i'm going to miss what is happening at lost valley i'd rather spend the whole evening, not just dinner. i'm not sure yet what i'll do during the day either. there is a possiblity to go to pdx, but i probably wouldn't get back in time for dinner.. i dunno. we'll see.

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on that note, i'm tired. i'm going to go curl up with a book and go to sleep, soon i hope.

posted by brooke at February 27, 2006 11:36 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.