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Friday, 30 September 05
pissed.
i am pissed off tonight. and sick of it. and i don't want to go to the celebration tommorrow, because of all thsoe incompetent people walking around.. my booth. dammit.
i think its about time to separate myself from one of the groups i work with.. fully. they are acting like incompetent boobs at this moment. i'm not one to deal very well with that. i'm actually one to shun that behaviour.
i'm tired. sick and tired. and scared of this damn gre. and sick of thinking about it, and trying to learn shit for it. i'm sick of it, sick of it, sick of it. just sick of it. but if i get sick of it, what is my future like?
i'm absolutely exhausted and terrified.
Posted by brooke at 07:54 PM
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really, the next time.. well, i almost did.
like i said, i'm working with a group that isn't so on top of it.. after even stressing that they need to answer their OWN questions, *i* still get a call. i got the space, i have the hardware, now y'all fuckin' figure out how to get down there. NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. next time someone calls me, i'm going to jump on their case.......
............................................ oh wait. i just did.
i need to have more compassion.........................
......................... but i also need not to beat myself up for not having so much compassion.
Posted by brooke at 02:25 PM
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Thursday, 29 September 05
sick of it.
i'm so sick of this sadness thats been hanging around since the last HoN...
dammit all to hell.
and NO. i'm not resisting it. i'm currently feeling it FULL ON.
----
i'm also feeling resentful to a group of people i sometimes work with. i'm feeling like they are terribly unorganized, and they are relying on me to help them out to a too great of a degree. the questions i get from people from their camp is too much. i'm not going to take care of them. no, i'm not. y'all tell your people this and that. it isn't MY job to tell them these things. and aren't they lucky i'm on the ball around some things? aren't they lucky i'm nice, eh?
i'm sure i'll drop the ball soon.. so, really, i'm not one to complain.
---
but friend m called tonight. glad he did. it was good to hear his voice. it'll be as good in 10 hours when he calls. ♥ ya m.
---
interesting documentary on the 60's on opb.. hmm... things really don't seem as though they've changed much, eh? similar protestors, similiar reaction to said protestors.. and the picture of the long haired hippies with sandals that comes to mind........... hmm... wasn't i just amongst a bunch of those in dexter?? ha! :) love them hippies.
Posted by brooke at 08:33 PM
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Wednesday, 28 September 05
left lane.
i want this left lane, the dvd. its alix olson. if i weren't exhausted i'd write a whole thing up about queer, me, alix olson and less angry activism. hopefully this will serve as a reminder to do so...
... if you haven't checked out alix, go.. she's got a bunch of good things to say and frankly whether she's queer or not, that doesn't matter, what matters is that she has some beautiful stuff to say about the world. what matters is that those who will listen to her, might get a better idea about queer, about love in its many different forms.
.... i'm not the lesbian i was when i was first introduced to alix olson, i'm not the angry activist i was even a few months ago.. but that doesn't mean that i can't appreciate what she does, and who she is.. i do. and i miss her coming into town and me laughing all through her shows.
.... yes, alix rocks my world. she makes me smile, and i know that my simple enjoyment of her poetry will keep me connected to a community that i hold dear to my heart.
Posted by brooke at 11:54 PM
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breath
i wish i could say something prophetic about breath..
about 2 weeks ago i put up signs around my house, in my car, and at work that say 'breathe' and 'are you breathing?' i was inspired to do so when i was at a friends house and i saw on a wall in front of a counter a similar sign. when i read it, i took a deep breath.
breathing is a big part of what we learn out at heart of now. breathing, at least the way i interpret it, helps to bring us back into our bodies, helps us to ground, and have a better sense of what we are feeling in the moment. breath also helps us pause, taking moments during heated times, moments to shift the energy of the interaction, moments to better center our intention.
when i was out at lost valley last weekend one of my cook team members commented to me how much more grounded i seemed than the previous month. frankly, i hadn't noticed any change, but it was nice to hear that on the outside i appear different.
what i've found, especially in the last couple of days, is that my signs that remind me to find my breath make my life a lot more deliberate. i've slowed down the pace of my life, i'm not in a constant dash from one task to another. also i'm able to face stresses and breathe through them. while the stress might not leave after a breath, it makes moving through it a different experience. i'm able to find my center, i'm able to balance with that center, or at least find some semblance of it in the most heated of moments.
i'm a different person in this moment than i was a month ago. my heart feels more open, my future less of a weight on my whole body. i feel a lot more free about my life. frankly, in this moment, i attribute that to breath.
Posted by brooke at 07:49 PM
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Tuesday, 27 September 05
time for nourishment
i'm not getting the time for nourishment that i'd like. today is way to busy.. i'm not thrilled about this at all. *sigh*
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i wish i could stay at home all day and cook good food for myself. i did manage to get to the grocery store and surata. i have lots of yummy veggies i'm ready to be fixing up and eating.. and almonds for almond butter with the champion juicer. i'm looking forward to getting to know my juicer a lot better.. that thing can do things i can't even imagine right now!
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have i mentioned i'm on my second cup of coffee? i am. :P
---
later. i had a good day, over all.. till now (i'm studying for the gre). i nourished myself, i did some work, i had an unsuccesful volunteer meeting, i connected and made dates with 2 more people, and i ran into a couple of friends, just as they were arriving to drop friend m off at the train station.
i got to talk to friend k about my assisting this weekend. she was a new teacher, and i was jazzed to be able to share my experience with her. i had so much fun during the triad on sunday. my thanks to m, k and a for allowing me to enter their space and try on my skills. my special thanks to student k for allowing me to enter so much of her experience this weekend. as i was in the triad i was just gleeful with how much fun i was having, and to know i was making a positive impact on the students lives.. i'm excited for next month, i'm excited for the practice group, i'm excited to get into co-counseling to learn even more skills about doing this work.
anyhow.
my friend r called. he just wants to get together. oh my.. i'm popular. 4 dates between tommorrow and monday, and then to add another one with friend r. and a different friend k after the celebration. i rock. and friend k says she'll come to my drs. appt next friday for support, and friend m offered to come home a day early to go to the same appt (touched me, but not necessary dear sweet m)............... maybe i'm really living in my vision? i will, once i buckle down and study.
in this moment i'm terribly grateful for my friends out at hon, i'm terribly grateful for my friends in town, in this moment i'm glad i'm able to surround myself with such quality people..........
....... ahh, the sugar high.
Posted by brooke at 10:36 AM
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Monday, 26 September 05
each time...
i go out to lost valley i come closer and closer to the conclusion that the work i'm doing as an activist just does not feed me. its not enriching, its not exciting, its full of anger and stress. there's no room for people and our being human, there's no room for taking care of each other -- just trying to take care of the world.
*sigh*
---
i felt more solid as an assistant this time. i felt competent. i felt like i could actually make a difference for myself, and others.
anyhow.
i could write a lot more, but i'm not sure what else there is to say about it all. what else there is to say beyond what i've said outloud and too myself. i love the work there. i love feeling what i feel there. i want to create what i have there in the rest of my life... i want that kind of affection. i want that kind of love. i want that acceptance of me in all my states. i just want all that............................. everywhere.
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we got to make next steps as assistants. thanks to j for helping me out. i have already moved forward with my 2 steps. i've already got a date with a friend i met when i was doing al-anon. i just happened to run into her one day at kinko's and a reconnection was made. i told her where i'd been, and i actually feared being judged.... but she didn't and was totally supportive.. as am i of her staying with the progam. what works for her doesn't necessarily work for me, and vice versa... anyhow, i enjoyed the connection, and when i called tonight i was so happy to hear her voice.. i could hear the smile. anyhow. and i bought some almonds -- i'd like to start really nourishing myself in all aspects of my life.. one of the big ones is around being in my home. i love making myself good food, i love cooking at heart of now, i love what we create there.. and i love it when i create it for myself at home, so i'm going to make almond butter with my champion juicer.
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i had a conversation tonight with someone about frozen needs.... in hon langauge that would be 'damage'.. anyhow.. there's something with my attachments and my depression that is linked. i'm hoping to be able to find some space to explore that at the practice group in the triads.
i need to send an email tommorrow about the practice groups, i need to find another person to lead the practice group.
Posted by brooke at 08:44 PM
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Saturday, 24 September 05
emotional vomiting.
its been a hard day here at lost valley. my intention was to go deep, and i'm doing it, and i'm exhausted. i'm ready to take off.. just leave, separate, run. i've had that feeling all morning, and i've stayed.. at some point it becomes too much. anyhow.
its all a struggle. i looked at one friend today and just realized that there was a huge wall around her. that i adore her and love her, but when it comes to being vulnerable with her, there's a huge wall, and no matter how much i try to address it, i can't seem to break it down. its exhausting, and i hate to say that i want to settle for that kind of relationship with her, but it sounds like i will have too... because i know its not about me.
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i'm wiped out. i'm thinking about everything i've got going over the next couple of weeks, and i'm not looking forward to it. today someone was talking about being real at work, and my reality is that i don't want to do it anymore. my reality is that i want things to be easier again.
---
anyhow.
i have an evening and next morning of cooking. i like the team i'm on and am looking forward to cooking with them. kinda. what i'd like to do is just run, run from all this damn intensity, run from the stirring up thats taken place, run from all my old patterns that have crept back up. i hate it.
Posted by brooke at 02:23 PM
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Thursday, 22 September 05
more.
its later, and i'm trying to get ready to go back out in 10.5 hours. hmm.. thats actually a lot of hours.. i could actually study, and sleep.. and manage to rise at 6.30 so i can have a lazy morning, fix something good in my newly cleaned kitchen and then drop by to pick up s and j.
or not.
goodness. it'll be okay? i'm going to study some tonight. i absolutely need to.
---
i'm thinking about a lot tonight. i'm thinking about my intentions for the weekend. i'm thinking about loneliness and whether i ever truly got used to it, or whether i just weather it. i'm thinking about the last 2 days and my connection. i'm thinking about my attachment, and hence my attraction. i'm thinking about.. *sigh* a lot of stuff.
but the great gift of opening my email today and tonight was emails from 2 more people to add to my 'lets have a date' list. the list is growing, and i'm grateful for it. i need to find time to respond to all of them, i need to find time to connect with them.
my intention for the weekend is to go deep, to really not think of what i'm doing as work, but rather heart of now in a different kind of container. i'm going to practice being honest, that when someone comes up and asks me how i am, to really be honest. i desperately want friendships like the one i see i'm having with my 2 camping companions. anyhow.
i'm exhausted in this moment. truly exhausted.
---
my coworker is leaving for 3 weeks. i'm going to miss him. he's a good man, and i am a better person for knowing him. today we were talking about something and i looked at him in the eyes -- one of those heart of now stares -- and said to him 'do you trust me?' and i ment it, and i expected an honest answer. after meeting my look he smiled and said 'yes'.. and i knew he ment it. it was a good moment for both of us, it was one of those cementing of our work relationship moment.. a deep space held. at least thats how it felt to me.
---
yes, these deep relationships are good for me. yes they are. yes, carrying that honesty to work is good for me. having a coworker like t makes that easier. working to surround myself with people that want to have deep relationships, that when i go to hug them there is something there to hug back, yes its good for me.
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i miss my friends. yes, i miss both of them. yeah, i'm still a bit too attached to one of them, but.. i feel lighter.. the thing that makes me feel it a bit lighter is that i've realized there is an attraction there. is it okay? well, i told her (yes, i can't deny it to myself, i MUST be bisexual) and when i woke up yesterday morning and this morning looked into her eyes she met mine back. so, it must be? i wouldn't be surprised if i feel the need to grab her eyes again.. and we talked about it, so its even better. and i realize i still crave that safety, that comfort that i got when she was holding me the other night as we processed. and that isn't about her, its about me wanting that need? so much. i want someone that i'm attracted to, that i can go deep with, that i can be vulnerable with to hold me close in those moments. that is not about her. and while its a comfort in one way to know that it goes beyond her, in another it is a deep sadness that i carry with me, a deep sadness to feel that comfort and safety and not have it whenever i need it. i've already cried about it tonight, and it feels good just to be with it.
---
i should go find my comfy sweater. and study some. and sleep.
Posted by brooke at 09:01 PM
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home. for 18 hours
i just got home from a camping trip with my friends k and m, and k and r.. it really was everything i set the intention to be. i got to clear some stuff about attachments, i got to be in my sadness-- the heavy sadness that i carry with me, i got some nurturing, i got to nurture. i'm grateful for the challenge presented to me in the questions k asks -- i believe it makes me a better person, i believe that questions like that help me find answers i don't even know i want. and i'm grateful for m's seemingly unconditional acceptance of me. seeing him through k's eyes has been a gift, i've seen him in a way i don't think some others do, and it has caused me to only grow fonder of him.
anyhow, i'm at work.. more later. it was a good trip. thanks my friends.
Posted by brooke at 06:22 PM
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Friday, 16 September 05
"if i remember to breathe, everything gets a lot more clear.."
its been a long and stressful week, and the upcoming week promises to be the same. i didn't get everything done i ment too...... because i was struck down by some virus in my throat. it exhausted me to an end i hadn't discovered in a long time, and i felt worse than i've felt in years (at least physically). to that end, i didn't get done what i needed to get done for myself, and for work. but i did come to a conclusion or two.
i'm going to drop everything except for 3 things right now: work, studying for the gre, and stuff at lost valley. as i wrote to a friend this week, work is for financial well being, the gre is for my future well being, and lost valley is for my present and emotional well being. it felt good to make that decision, it feels like i might be able to slow down a bit.....
.....and breathe.
Posted by brooke at 08:09 PM
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Sunday, 11 September 05
what did i dream about last night?
this.
(only in black.)
Posted by brooke at 11:48 PM
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not so hard. attachments.
it wasn't so hard today. it was actually quite pleasant. one of the people who is hard for me did a no show. the other, well, she's always there, and i'm working very hard to see her in a new light, with more compassion. i was able to see, again, a light of a person in her that i want to get to know. she's struggling, and making headway. i'm struggling and making headway as well.
---
one of our teacher's today said to me that attachments can really be a strong desire for something, and really, what is wrong with a strong desire? well. i could say a lot about what's wrong, but when he said it it felt like a weight off my shoulders. it is okay to desire things.
in this moment i desire.. well. that comfort and safety that i felt as i sided up next to my friend at the last course when i saw she'd come back. i just glanced across the room as i entered, saw her there and it just felt natural to say to her 'i'm glad you are back.' and i was. i was a student, she an assistant, and i was grateful to have her there. she's seen me struggle for 4 months, and she's been supportive. anyhow, i desire.. well, the comfort i felt in that moment that moment curled up next to her. the knowledge i'll be supported in pain that comes up for me. i desire.. my hand being held while i'm crying, or simply someone to listen to me and hold me while i'm stressed and crying. in that moment, curled up next to her, i knew that if i started bawling that she'd hold me.
i have an attachment to be supported. i desire support during this very stressful time in my life.
----
yes. i'm doing a lot of emotional vomiting right now. i'll probably look back at all this stuff and have a need to vomit physically. i really do hope i'm growing.
Posted by brooke at 10:16 PM
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Saturday, 10 September 05
is it possible?
is it possible to approach activism from a heartfelt space? is it possible to be a strong activist while holding compassion for those who you activate against?
---
tommorrow's workshop looks like it'll be a hard day. there will be a couple of hard-for-me people there and i don't know a lot of people otherwise. but my friend ms and i will have a breakfast date, and then he'll attend the workshop as well. it'll be nice to have some time alone with him, we've not really done that. i got to spend sometime alone with k (+the kids) -- his girlfriend, partner? hmm.. not sure how they define their relationship -- last week and this upcoming week i'm hoping to get to spend sometime with the both of them.
i'm enjoying getting to know them. i first met them, and the rest of the tribe, back at my first course in may. k and i were students together. since then we've talked about connecting, but this last course really seemed to cement the beginning to connect. or so it feels like that to me. i'm glad ms will be there tommorrow, it'll be nice to talk about the situation over breakfast and to get his words on it and to just know that he'll be there throughout the day for a supportive hug if i get a bit overwhelmed.
Posted by brooke at 06:17 PM
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sick.
i'm still sick. dammit, i hate being sick. i'm stuck in bed all day today. and on a beautiful rainy saturday. dammit.
Posted by brooke at 09:25 AM
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to do next week for grad school.
- get calling card.
- call burton.
- call guy at ga state
- register for gre
- call indiana
- call utah state
- call o.
- call graduate guy at uga.
- send mom stuff
- study some.
- make flight reservations for home / georga swing..
busy weekend.
work tommorrow.. if i feel up to it.
triad training all day sunday, but i have a breakfast date with ms at 8am.
I FORGOT TO CALL T! fucker.
i'm back on wireless dsl. whohoo!
Posted by brooke at 12:12 AM
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Wednesday, 7 September 05
sick. and attached.
i'm still attached. thats okay. at least i know it. and at least its to someone different. anyhow. its all good, and i know it, and i'm reflecting about it.
i'm also sick. sick and attached. ha!
what i do know about attachments, at least the kind i'm suffering from, is that its a reflection of, really, what i lack. i lack or am craving within myself. i know what i lack, i know what i'm craving. its a huge relief to know that. anyhow. its all good.
---
in other thoughts. i look at people's hands, a lot. i'm absolutely facinated by people's hands. there are a particular set of hands right now that i'm enjoying the sight of. they are weathered hands.. not old, but not young. the other day i glanced at her hands and then at her face, and thought about how her hands look so much older than her face, and i noticed that i could see the age waiting for its time to come out. i also looked at how strong those hands are, and the wisdom, and the weathering they've been through. then one night i had the chance to hold them, and i felt humbled.. humbled because hands like those sought out my own young, unweathered hands for support and comfort. it was an absolute pleasure to know that i can provide that. i'm enjoying my time these days with those hands.. i'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.. if our time together lasts forever, thats great, but if our moments are just a few, thats fine too.. its really just about this time, this present.
anyhow. i need to work. :P oh well. its all good.
Posted by brooke at 06:47 PM
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Tuesday, 6 September 05
great entry.. gone.
i'm writing this great entry on attachments.. but frankly, in this moment, i would like nothing better than to curl up with some of my friends and simply have them tell me that its going to be okay.
i was on my way to an event, and i got pulled over for speeding.. which i was. but frankly, i can't afford the $150.00 that its going to cost me. i'm terribly frustrated and angry at myself. i'm spending money like no one's business, and then this. i treat myself, and then i shoot myself in the foot.
i am so tired of being poor.
i'm going to talk to my friend k about this degree stuff. she doesn't have one, and therefore has a totally different perspective than anyone i know. i'm sure i won't come to any other conclusion other than to go get it, but it'll be good for me to hear the otherside.
anyhow. in this moment i'm rather attached. at least i know it.
Posted by brooke at 05:25 PM
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Monday, 5 September 05
circle.
i'm home from an unexpected good weekend. i spent the time just trusting my guts.. following myself from one thing that felt right to another thing that felt right.
friday night was a dash out of town and then an unexpected sleep over at lost valley. i went out to walk with a friend before heading up to fall creek, but as i got there and checked out the scene on the couch, i simply knew i wanted to stay. friends sitting together in a puppy pile laughing and talking. i slept with the stars on my back.
saturday was a day of play and laughing in my city. i got to see it through new eyes, and experience it in a way that i'd never done before. comfy, nice.. exhasuting, and finished with some excellent homemade pizza, bliss balls and a game of 'ipuyacat' shared with community members of lost valley.
sunday a quick dash up to clark creek -- finally -- and warm greetings all around. it was a crowd i don't necessarily know very well, so i was glad a couple of particular friends were there. it was nice to connect with them in new and different ways. it was nice to curl up and shared sleeping space with one of them closing a circle that was opened nearly 5 years ago, on the night i found out my grandmother had died. that night i spent playing with babies, and last night i spent with one of those babies, now 5, lying at my side. you never know which circles are going to close, you never know when the ends are going to meet again. you just simply don't.
Posted by brooke at 05:13 PM
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Thursday, 1 September 05
on new orleans and peacemakers
i wrote this in reaction to someone's crass electronic remarks about politics, george w. bush and the tragedy that is taking place along the gulf coast.
to be a peace activist, an effective one, you must first look at the humanity of people.. being a peace activist is not actually about politics, its about the heart, and acting with a peaceful heart. now is not the time to talk politics, now is the time to talk about how we are going to save the people of new orleans. what has happened is not about politics, what has happened is about human lives. if you are going to continue doing this work, you must look at your own heart first, remove the distaste you have of george bush, and think about all the people around the world who's lives we want to fill with love. what has happened in new orleans is a great tragedy, and it should not take a personal connection to the city to force you to see it, it should simply take being someone with a peaceful, loving heart.
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dear everyone along the gulf coast,
i know you can't read this right now, but maybe one day you will. i am just a private citizen without the resources to help you right now.. but i'm sorry for what has happened to you and i wish with all my wishes that i could help you out, right now. rarely is there a news story that hurts my heart to tears, but your story, it does. i wish i could help, i really do. please know that all of us in the corners of this country are crying for you and with you.
love,
brooke
willamette valley, oregon.
Posted by brooke at 06:20 PM
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