rivervision - since election day of 2000.

Saturday, 24 September 05 :: emotional vomiting.

its been a hard day here at lost valley. my intention was to go deep, and i'm doing it, and i'm exhausted. i'm ready to take off.. just leave, separate, run. i've had that feeling all morning, and i've stayed.. at some point it becomes too much. anyhow.

its all a struggle. i looked at one friend today and just realized that there was a huge wall around her. that i adore her and love her, but when it comes to being vulnerable with her, there's a huge wall, and no matter how much i try to address it, i can't seem to break it down. its exhausting, and i hate to say that i want to settle for that kind of relationship with her, but it sounds like i will have too... because i know its not about me.

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i'm wiped out. i'm thinking about everything i've got going over the next couple of weeks, and i'm not looking forward to it. today someone was talking about being real at work, and my reality is that i don't want to do it anymore. my reality is that i want things to be easier again.

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anyhow.

i have an evening and next morning of cooking. i like the team i'm on and am looking forward to cooking with them. kinda. what i'd like to do is just run, run from all this damn intensity, run from the stirring up thats taken place, run from all my old patterns that have crept back up. i hate it.

posted by brooke at September 24, 2005 02:23 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.