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Tuesday, 30 August 05
exhausted
i've woken up this morning simply drained. drained beyond belief. i cannot imagine how i'm going to make it through the week, when all i really want to do is just sleep and process.
i had a volunteer call me last night, sometime during the 11 o'clock news. i was asleep. now, i am rarely asleep at that hour, but last night, i was. and this morning, at 11am, another called. and me, i'm drained. drained beyond belief.
i cannot work both ends of the spectrum. if i'm going to work till 9, i don't need to be in until late.. like 4pm. and volunteers, can't be calling me at 11pm.. and the reason they do, is because i gave them my home phone, because all i have at work is voice mail that i can't check from afar.
i'm exhausted. still on the verge of tears, still needing time away from people... but i can't get that, because i have a meeting tonight, and a show this weekend. but my body says -- be away from people.. except maybe those who understand the space. anyhow, i'm not sure how to fix this, but it has to be fixed. i cannot go from morning till night with a job i'm only hired to work 20 hours a week for.
Posted by brooke at 11:37 AM
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Monday, 29 August 05
humbled.
i just came home from a heart of now weekend. i was a student. it was a long weekend, and i went through a lot.. from standing on the platform laughing at everything, to sitting in the circle crying about being frustrated with my illness, with my stuckness. we were a great student group, i felt connected to all of them (except one, whom i wasn't that fond of). i knew what was happening.. i walked into lost valley knowing people, already being connected, having friends. i knew the score, and the score was to go deep, and work hard.
i left the weekend feeling humbled. humbled at my own want to go deep, to face the hard stuff.. humbled at others reactions to me, at the fact that people want to be MY friend, want to stay connected WITH ME. humbled that 2 powerful women want to help ME clean my apartment. humbled that i separated myself from my illness, that it is no longer a part of me.. (DO YOU HEAR THAT?? I AM A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION!!!) humbled at the kindness, and the willingness for others to support me, for me to say that i wanted it.. humbled.
i've come into work this evening (dunno why, cause i'm crazy?) and have gone from giddy laughter (thanks to gd for that email) to tears as i relive some of the experiences i had this weekend.
in this moment i am in touch with everything that is going through me. every emotion. i am aware, and my body wants to express it. will i stay this way? probably not. am i going to make an effort too? heck yeah.. after my comment 'my ma said i can't cry at work, its not professional' teacher kim asked where i work -- 'the growers' .. and everyone, including myself, just grinned and chuckled.. 'its okay to cry at the growers.' yes it is. and its okay to feel all that i feel. give myself permission to do that while i work in this space. yes.
and when i connect with those strong women, when friend ms and i get together, when i take k boating, when i see my friends that i so want to stay in touch with, i will better be able to stay connected to all that is around me in this moment.
Posted by brooke at 07:25 PM
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Thursday, 25 August 05
standardized tests don't measure ability
i took the gre yesterday, and while i did better than expected (but still not great) on the verbal, i did not do well on the math. math that i last studied 12 years ago. that i tried to relearn, but because i am so busy with things more relevant to both my current life and what i want to do in grad school, i didn't learn enough. i thought i might not retake this thing, but i simply cannot let a score on the gre be the thing that eliminates a top program from possibility.
i nearly flunked out of high school, did moderately well as an undergrad, and graduate student -- at a top program. i never thought that a top program would be in the realm of my possibilities for a phd program --- ever, but after the march encouragement from 2 of my professors at that top program who both said i should apply to a top program it feels important to me to do everything i can to secure a place. i have the ability to succeed at the harvard of instructional tech programs, i have the encouragement from 2 people who should know, and so i want to do that. it is utterly important to me that i get into indiana and georgia.
so, i'll spend the next month studying again. i have acutally bought a book about math on the gre (instead of just checking one out from the library). i'll set the date for late, and not right after a long week of big events. i'll do better, and i'll do my best to secure a place at the kind of program i want to enter. it is utterly important.. for my ego, for my development as a person, for my future. yes. but most of all it is utterly important for that little girl who was told she would never succeed.. who grew up in the shadow of all those other professor's kids who over achieved while she just sat on the sidelines and watched them attain their goals.. it is utterly important for that little girl to know that she can tow the line with those kids, that she can stand shoulder to shoulder with them with her head held high, knowing that yes, she truly is one of them, that she has made it.
Posted by brooke at 12:00 PM
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Wednesday, 24 August 05
whats on my mind
apparently basic rights oregon, oregon league of conservation voters, and the democratic party of oregon have all decided not to even consider pete sorenson's candidacy for governor. they have decided to back a guy who (a) doesn't have a chance in hell in the general election because he is the least most popular governor in oregon's recent history, (b) who does not have a consistent record of fighting for environmental, human rights, and democratic values, and (c) won't debate anyone.. not karen minnis, not pete. i simply do not understand why the leaders of those organizations are so easy to sell themselves out. i simply do not understand why the leaders of those organizations are acting so dictatorially, not willing to be open, not be willing to discuss and weigh options and to take a risk on doing the right thing for the people of this state that i love so much. i simply do not understand.... but maybe i do. maybe i do because i see a president acting this way, i see the leadership of this country acting this way, and i see that they are getting their way. i see that the more left leaders in this state want to get their way, so they are following a model that they see as being effective. i wonder how roey thorpe, or even jim edmunsen would feel if i pointed out how bush-like they are acting? they probably wouldn't like it.. but thats how they are acting.
----
i'm taking the gre's today. i'm exhausted, and i don't take standardized tests very well anymore. i'm screwed.
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but! there is a big meeting happening about the campaign that i'm currently working on. if my collegue in my office, and his buddies (one of whom is my boss), has his way i'll end up with more responsibility, more to fret about -- but also a job promotion. i'll be on pins and needles till i see my collegue tommorrow and find out if they were able to get their way. i hope so. not only for the good of the campaign, but -- selfishly -- for the good of me.
----
breakfast awaits.
Posted by brooke at 09:05 AM
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Friday, 19 August 05
long week
its been a long week and its almost over. i finally got my bike tyre fixed, and that was good.
on my way home from the fairgrounds yesterday i kept thinking how relaxing biking is. i mean, biking as a commute, not up any hills. the rythm of the pedal, the wind, the noticing everything around you that you tend to miss when you are in your car ------ from the exhaust coming out of the car sitting next to you at the intersection, to the moon, nearly full.. watching it the whole way home after work. the whole process is a moving meditation, and the stress of my early week was only exasterbated by not having this this week.. by having it interrupted.
i just came from seeing a friend of mine. we talked about this and that and as i was leaving i told her about this 5 year wait i have ahead of me. she understands it, because she lived it as well. 19 years my senior and she knows what the next 5 years will be like. a lot of yearning and heartache.. will the wait ever end? she never knew then, and for me it doesn't feel like i will ever have the thrill of knowing that moment of being able to start working on bringing the child into my life.
tommorrow my little friend turns 8. or, its the celebration of that day, which actually happens sunday. i decided to go ahead and skip work to attend. i simply cannot miss her party, i have to be there for my little friend's birthday. she didn't get to sleep till late tonight, because she is so full of fire, and i hope the day goes well without a meltdown.
Posted by brooke at 11:14 PM
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Thursday, 18 August 05
tired
this week really has just been about work. and more work. and even more work. i'm exhausted.
this not having a partner thing is really getting to me. while everyone else is off having fun with their special someone, i am left watching them as they walk away. its terribly lonely. and my work, its only somewhat fulfilling. and my friends...... they are the ones i watch walk away in the loving arms of their special someone.
i've been gathering signatures at the county fair this week. its hard, not only because i don't like gathering signatures, but because i get to walk around watching people having fun with their families. i get to watch women my age, and often times younger, with their little ones in tow, playing lovingly. i get to watch whole families walk by me as if i don't exist. i am just a fly in their world, getting in their way to have fun..
and thats exactly what i am. i am the fly on the wall that watches everyone else have this life that i'm so desperate for.
i've been angry a lot this week. really, its been one of my worst weeks in a long time. i'm not studying much for the gre, i'm not doing anything to further my career.
i'm doing a lot of longing for the thing i'm so desperate for. i'm tired of waiting for it. i'm tired of my life not being ready for it, financially. i'm tired of waiting. and now i've got to wait another 4-5 years. how can i wait that long? if every moment is as hard as these moments, i'm not going to last. i can't. i simply can't sit back and watch while others have what i want so bad. it just hurts too much.
Posted by brooke at 01:53 PM
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Wednesday, 17 August 05
am i the only one
am i the only non-christian who believes that notre dame one of the most spiritual places in the world?
Posted by brooke at 11:33 PM
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i don't care anymore
i'm so sick of trying to save the world from a bunch of people who just don't care. fine. the world is going to go to hell in a handbasket, this country is going to become a theocracy that is unfriendly to anyone but the white, upper class, christian men, and me, i'm just not going to care anymore. i will be ensconsed in academia, in those ivory towers where the real world just doesn't matter anymore.. and the rest of y'all, because you don't care, and because when a hard working activist approached you and asked you to care for about 3 minutes, because you couldn't be unselfish enough to get out of your own fucking head.. because the rest of y'all are uncaring lazy assholes, while i'm happily dancing with the academs, you will be riding to hell, in a handbasket.. a tiny little vinyl handbasket... tiny because the corporations who have bought our politicians don't have enough money to make it comfortable. yes. have fun. i'm done trying to care for the rest of y'all.
Posted by brooke at 10:42 AM
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Tuesday, 16 August 05
at some point, party politics
at some point i'll try to write something well thought about the party politics that infiltrate the campaign finance reform office here at the growers market in eugene, oregon. the greens vs the dems. its interesting to hear my collegue and i go back and forth about the topic of reminding the other not to forget the party of our own personal choice. of course, he's a good guy, and so there's no arguing that goes on, but there is a tendancy for each of us to definetly take sides.
but till then i'll share with you the news that i contacted the older brother of a friend from childhood.. he responded with the phone number of this childhood friend of mine, whom i'll contact in the next few days. i adored this friend of mine when i was a kid.. i have nothing but good memories of him, and i've always wondered what happened to him. now, i get to find out.
Posted by brooke at 11:22 AM
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Monday, 15 August 05
sick of it
i just read a comment in another blog.. "And like most mentally ill people, she sees no error on her part."
i'm so tired of generalizations like that about those of us with mental illnesses. i'm sick of hearing about the latest criminal and having the first line about that person describing the mental illness they suffer from. i'm sick and tired of hearing about those with mental illnesses being treated like they are less than.
dammit. dammit. dammit.
just stop. just stop demonizing those with mental illnesses. just stop demonizing mental illness.
i know so many people who suffer from one form or another of different illnesses. they are all upstanding, kind, good hearted people. they are move about in every facet of society. they -- we -- are everywhere. and unless we behave in a way that you would expect, you'd never know it.
how about describing a friend you love and adore and throwing in that s/he suffers from mental illness? how about attaching these diseases to some of the kindest, hard working people you know? maybe, just maybe their experience with mental illness has made them that loveable person you know.
it has for me. i am the person i am today because i have struggled with depression.. severe depression. it has made me a hell of a lot more thoughtful, more aware. it has taught me that i can hit the bottom and make it up to the top. it has made me strong. it has forced me to learn things about myself that i would have never learned otherwise. the person my friends know and love wouldn't be the person i am without the depression.
i'm tired of the stigma, and i'm tired of people who you would think would be thoughtful about things like stigmas continuing that stimgma. i'm tired of worrying about whether someone will find out about my history and think less of me. i'm tired of society demonizing an illness. just sick of it.
Posted by brooke at 10:36 PM
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i'm here
i'm just exhausted for some reason. i mean, terribly, really, absolutely, utterly exhausted. i slept for most of the day yesterday, and today has been really lazy. maybe its the heat, maybe its.. who knows what it is. but i'll tell ya this, i'm rather sick of oregon in the summer.. this no air conditioning thing really is for the birds. i mean, really and truly for the birds. i'll tell ya this, after seeing how my cats are lying around in it, i know it ain't for them either.
anyhow, i'm pretty stressed these days.. due to my job, and being over committed, and studying for the GRE. i take the GRE a week from tommorrow. will it be over with then? only if i do a decent job on it.. *sigh* we'll see. i'll cross my fingers.
okay. i'm way over committeed... and this job.. i thought i had the night to myself, but i shouldn't have stopped by my office today as i now have something else to do tonight. if there are only a few folks at this meeting @ 6.30, i'm outta there.
Posted by brooke at 05:24 PM
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Thursday, 11 August 05
Pet Loss
sue just had to put to sleep her sweet puppy carmel. my heart is broken for her.. and i hold my cats a bit closer tonight.
Posted by brooke at 12:18 AM
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Wednesday, 10 August 05
fuck geometry
why do i have to relearn geometry for the GRE??? what does this have to do with getting a freakin' ph.d. in instructional technology???????? fuck this.
Posted by brooke at 11:27 PM
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thoughts as i start the day.
i rode my bike into my office today. i really should have done that yesterday because yesterday i had a bunch of errands to do around town and not once did i have to cart out a table or chair.. today i've got a couple of things to do, but at some point i'll have to go home and get the car to go across town to set up a table and chair and gather signatures for a bit at a local natural foods mart. i really should ride my bike a lot more. i so love doing it, i just don't know why i don't.
---
all this hoopla about non-smokers getting lung cancer.. i'm sorry, but its simply not news to me. we've been told about second hand smoke all my life.. and air pollution, and and and. good goddess folks, we live terribly toxic, of course we are going to have cellular mutations in our bodies that want to kill us. how about lets all get behind the environmental activists and do something to clean up this mother that we live on, that we couldn't live without. everyone! go join the GREEN party! says the life long, very proud democrat.
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its finally a bit chilly here. it was actually cold after i took my bath this morning. a tad annoying, but i'd rather have it chilly after i take my bath than super hot in my office.
---
dad -- if i come home in september it'll be at the end, not when you are gone.
---
okay, time to sign signature sheets.
Posted by brooke at 10:47 AM
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Monday, 8 August 05
yes, my dad has cancer, and it is more important than your move.
the fact that my dad has cancer has just struck me hard over the last 2 weeks. the fact that he's having radiation treatment has caused my delayed reaction to the knowledge that he has a terminal illness to no longer be delayed.
i've been talking to a few people here and there. okay, 2. one via email, one in person. both have lost someone to cancer. both have told me that whatever emotion i have is normal.. whether it be tears or laughter. both have told me that it strikes at the strangest times. both have told me that i'm reacting to this in a terribly normal way.
i've heard people get very selfish around illnesses like cancer. my dad did, and now, now i feel like its my turn to be selfish. the fact that my dad has cancer is more important than someone kvetching about moving. the fact that my dad has cancer is more important than karl rove leaking the name of the cia agent. the fact that my dad has cancer is more important than just about anything. if i bring it up and you just brush it off, i don't want you around me. i need people around me who are going to give me a sympathetic look or a hand on my shoulder if they see tears well up in my eyes. i need people around me who get that this is as big as it is, and it affects me deeply.
i like my dad. yeah. i mean, i love my dad, but i also like my dad. a lot. my dad might beat this, and he might not. dammit. did you read that? he might not beat this. that is life and death, and frankly it is bigger than any other things going on in this world. life and death, my dad being around to be my dad, it is tied only in importance, right now, with my mom being my mom. if you can't get that and if you can't get out of your own head long enough to get that i'm probably going to be a bit crabby these days because i'm dealing with the stress of not being able to see my dad as much as i can, dealing with the stress of not being able hug my dad just for my own selfish reassurance that he's here and he's currently healthy then i don't want you around.
yes, i need support. i need support about my stressful job, trying to get into grad school, and the fact that my dad, one of my closest friends in the world, is battling cancer.
that button, cancer sucks, isn't strong enough. no its not.
Posted by brooke at 04:28 PM
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dad
dad is having radiation today. i wish i could be there to take him out to dinner this evening.
dad -- i took my boat (the stubby) out in scott lake yesterday. you know, i can still do all those funky strokes i learned during slalom training. if i were to get on the water again, i'd be a hell of a boater. really. i love you.
Posted by brooke at 01:10 PM
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Sunday, 7 August 05
dear
dear yakima,
there is no fit list on your website like everyone says. oh, and btw, i don't have a dsl modem right now, so i'm on dial-up.. your website isn't friendly to dial-up users. oh, and i've been a loyal yakima rack user for exactly 1/2 my life (16 years).. up till now. your racks are now a royal pain in the ass. next system i get will be thule.
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dear as,
we are no longer friends. i'm sorry, but i'm not friends to manipulative bitches.
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dear tv news anchor,
why did you have to say that the man who killed that poor college student suffers from bipolar disorder? there are millions and millions of people who suffer from bipolar disorder who do not kill people. in fact there are millions and millions of us out there who suffer from all kinds of mental illness and we do not kill people. if i happen to see you and smack you because of your awful reporting, please do not mention that i have depression.. because the reason i smacked you was not because i have depression, but because you are an idiot.
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dear ps,
you will be governor. and i can't wait to be a ph.d. student at georgia and have you and kl visit me... not only cause i adore both of you and want to become better friends with y'all, but also so i can introduce my friend ps to all my professors, and say, oh yeah, btw, he's also the governor of oregon.
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dear dad,
how's the radiation treatment going? i'm gonna order some cancer sucks buttons, do you want one? or 2?
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dear sb,
it will all work out. i love you, and have missed you this summer. i'm glad you feel the same. i'll try to be around more for you and jtb.
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dear mc,
i still love you, no matter what happens between you and sb. and btw, i'm honored to call you mentor. as should be terribly grateful that you are working with her, she's got a hell of a lot to learn from you. don't sell yourself short.
---
dear jtb,
i love you. in all your being you bring me joy, even when you are being a pain in the ass.. in those moments i have joy in learning patience... with very willful 7 nearly 8 year-olds.
---
dear lisa,
the radio interview went great. thanks for asking. how are you?
---
sincerly, hatefully yours, not so sincerly yours, your friend, love, love, love, love,
mbr, b, mbr, b, me, me, me, me.
Posted by brooke at 01:11 AM
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Thursday, 4 August 05
radio
i'll be on KOPT radio at 3 to talk about the FairElections, aka Campaign Finance Reform, campaign. ack!
i knew we were going to do it, but i thought i'd be going on with the fellow i share an office with here... but he's sick and now i'm going on with my boss! ack! don't want to fuck up.. don't want to fuck up with the boss on the line...........
.... at least its only 30 minutes. and only my boss..
tommorrow? tommmorrow is a 1 hour radio interview, with my bosses boss!
agh.
i know, i know, its all about the deep breath.
Posted by brooke at 02:06 PM
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Tuesday, 2 August 05
dammit.
there's a report on the news about a difficult and scary section of the mckenzie where 2 people have been killed.
they've shown the section of river.
maybe i'm just too much of a purist.. but really.. THAT IS NOT A DIFFICULT SECTION OF THE RIVER. what it is is too many stupid people feel like rivers should be easy for them to go down, that they don't need to know shit before they get in a boat of some sort to go out and play on them.
idiots.
i'm sorry, but rivers are not playgrounds.. well, they can be.. but only with necessary knowledge. go learn something about rivers before going down them. wear your fucking lifejackets before getting on one. don't blame the river and mother nature for your fucking mistakes.
Posted by brooke at 06:32 PM
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the girls sucked.
really. i can't wait to get the girls sucked -- aka my breasts reduced .. my backaches have gotten worse.. and today, i was trying on some cute (agh! did i use THAT word) knit tops at goodwill (yes, goodwill.. cheap clothes, but nice cheap clothes, one would never know they were from goodwill) that didn't fit to well right now.. but once i get some happy little b cups (can't a girl dream?) would look just ducky.
Posted by brooke at 01:23 AM
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Monday, 1 August 05
my dad update
for the few readers following along about my dad..
he's headed to charlottesville today to get radiation treatments. he'll have 10 of them. he's staying with his brother in law.
he had an mri a couple of weeks ago, and the stuff on his spine has shrunk! his numbers are good as well. yeah! but the drs. expected this. :P drs. i say anything positive is excellent news.
AND he said that anyone who wants to pray for him, keep him in his thoughts, whatever, to please do.
my dad's gotta beat this. i want him to come see me graduate, to get my ph.d., i want him to be there through the trials and tribulations of writing my dissertation.. i want my dad to be able to call me dr. robertshaw, for us to stand side by side, the 2 dr. robertshaws, father and daughter.
Posted by brooke at 12:01 PM
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