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Sunday, 11 September 05 ::
not so hard. attachments.
it wasn't so hard today. it was actually quite pleasant. one of the people who is hard for me did a no show. the other, well, she's always there, and i'm working very hard to see her in a new light, with more compassion. i was able to see, again, a light of a person in her that i want to get to know. she's struggling, and making headway. i'm struggling and making headway as well.
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one of our teacher's today said to me that attachments can really be a strong desire for something, and really, what is wrong with a strong desire? well. i could say a lot about what's wrong, but when he said it it felt like a weight off my shoulders. it is okay to desire things.
in this moment i desire.. well. that comfort and safety that i felt as i sided up next to my friend at the last course when i saw she'd come back. i just glanced across the room as i entered, saw her there and it just felt natural to say to her 'i'm glad you are back.' and i was. i was a student, she an assistant, and i was grateful to have her there. she's seen me struggle for 4 months, and she's been supportive. anyhow, i desire.. well, the comfort i felt in that moment that moment curled up next to her. the knowledge i'll be supported in pain that comes up for me. i desire.. my hand being held while i'm crying, or simply someone to listen to me and hold me while i'm stressed and crying. in that moment, curled up next to her, i knew that if i started bawling that she'd hold me.
i have an attachment to be supported. i desire support during this very stressful time in my life.
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yes. i'm doing a lot of emotional vomiting right now. i'll probably look back at all this stuff and have a need to vomit physically. i really do hope i'm growing.
posted by brooke at September 11, 2005 10:16 PM
