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Monday, 31 October 05
god, its important.
Looking Through the Glass
Time to examine uncomfortable issues.
BY CARMEN URBINA
Carmen Urbina is a community member, vice-chair of the Eugene Human Rights Commission, and a member of Whiteaker Community Council's Advisory Committee. She spoke about race, class and poverty at the Eugene rally — part of the National Mobilization Against the War in Iraq — Sept. 24. Below is the text of her comments.
Buenas tardes a todos. Good afternoon to all of you. Thank you, Marion (Malcolm) and to all the folks involved in putting this rally together. I started thinking and talking to folks about this issue and what I found out are several things. People feel uncomfortable speaking about the war — in many respects.
I hear, "What war? We are not in a war. The war ended." It would seem so when in the U.S., in Oregon, in Lane County and in Eugene, our dead soldiers have been placed in the last pages of the newspaper, and of course, if we want to know what is happening to the Iraqi people and their casualties we have to go to foreign newspapers and media.
But then I started talking to folks about poverty and race. Then we absolutely do not want to talk about it. It makes us uncomfortable.
And then I started talking to folks about classism — and this is what I heard: "That only exists in those Third World countries." We are way too sophisticated to endorse classism.
Well folks, please indulge me and take a mental journey with me. I will call it, "The Window." Through this window we are going to explore in the next minute or so the issues of poverty, race and Katrina.
And let's start by quoting two people when they were asked about Katrina. The first one is Michael Brown, former FEMA director, when he found out he didn't have a job. He said, "I'm going to go home and walk my dog and hug my wife, and maybe get a good Mexican meal and stiff margarita and a full night's sleep." Good for him that he could go to such a wonderful place.
Then we have former First Lady Barbara Bush commenting on the refugees in the astrodome: "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were under-privileged anyway, so this is working very well for them," insinuating this was a step up, so it was OK.
Now: Are you still looking through this window — are you with me? Through this window, let's start to look at the issues.
We started seeing some images of white folks carrying food that were actually labeled, "survivors of Katrina carrying food." Then we saw images of African American folks carrying food, and suddenly that is called, "looting." Then we don't see images of Latinos at all, therefore that population is invisible. What's new?
I ask you: What do we call that?
Now, let's continue looking through this window: In the U.S., the richest country on Earth, we have New Orleans, and why is it looking like a Third World country? How can that be?
We saw, through the disaster of Katrina, communities that were forgotten and invisible with substandard schools, dilapidated housing, inadequate health care, homelessness and hopelessness. We then suddenly started seeing and asking: Who are the poor?
Then we see a nation that as a value system sees folks that live in poverty as being responsible for their own economic woes. And we judge it. We judge poverty as, "It's your fault." We judge. In that same judgment we are ignorant. We hear what our government and leadership wants us to hear with no critical thinking or questions.
We hear that in the U.S., if you are poor, it is because you want to be. We hear of these amazing programs that will help the poor achieve the American dream — a great house, white picket fence, 2.5 children, summer vacations, two cars, etc.
We hear about Social Security and Medicare. "Don't we have those programs to take care of the poor?" Well, reality is that during the last four decades those programs have been totally eliminated, and our elders, our seniors are suffering.
We hear, "Food stamps feed all the hungry." Huh? Reality is that people are hungry and children are hungry. We find children hiding food and milk in the lunch room at the schools so they can have something to eat during the weekend. We have children that are hungry.
We hear "Welfare reform took care of that poverty. Aren't they on welfare? Aren't they taken care of?" But reality is that the welfare reform came to punish the poor. Reality is that we find single moms struggling — working two to three jobs and trying to make ends meet with minimum wage jobs. We find single moms working several jobs, one to pay child care, one to barely pay rent and another one to barely survive.
Now I am checking in with you. Where are we? Are we still looking through the window? Yes, or no? Or did I trick you all and we are now looking at a mirror? Well, I tricked you. We are looking at a mirror. I am sorry to tell you that we are here in Eugene looking at a mirror called poverty and classism in our backyard. Here in beautiful Eugene, Oregon.
To end it, I will leave you with some numbers and a call for action. Childhood in America: One in five children is born poor. One in nine children is born to a teenage mother. One in 146 children will die before his first birthday. One in seven children will never graduate from high school. One in 13 children will be arrested before age 17.
Now the challenge to action. Let's take back our America, for our communities! Let's call our community back and see the values that it has and challenge them. Let's look in our backyard at the homeless situation.
Let's look in our backyards and look at our educational system — the lack of funding — and really see that our generation is letting "the powers that be" commit criminal activities against our children.
Let's look at the lack of mental health services. Let's look at the violations of human rights that happen everyday in our community. Let's look at racism in our community. Let's take action and change it. Without fear.
Posted by brooke at 01:04 AM
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Saturday, 29 October 05
those wacky tiv folks
those wacky truth in voting folks -- you know, the ones making the big ol' deal about the 'stolen election,' are right. how do i know? that wacky general accounting office the government has. ha! federal efforts to improve security and reliability of electronic voting systems but key actions are needed. (a 107 page pdf, i recommend this summary if you are merely curious.)
Posted by brooke at 11:18 PM
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Monday, 24 October 05
weekend, over
it was an interesting weekend.. discombobulating. stressed. my job never seemed to be done. when i'm cooking, i know my job is done when the second meal is out. this time around.. there never seemed to be an end to the job, and i took a lot on.
anyhow.
my stuff came up, and so i ran to work this evening. it was good to touch base with my coworker, find out what is up. reconnect with the head.. run.
i'm pretty exhausted right now. i have plans tuesday, wednesday and tentative plans for friday night. tuesday night is a work night.. i'm not sure if that counts. it'll be a crazy week, and i hope i can find the time to work on my ph.d. statement. *sigh* i should probably be working on it right now.. *sigh* i should probably go to sleep instead. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 08:17 PM
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Sunday, 23 October 05
not feeling well
i'm not feeling well physically or emotionally this morning. i felt sick last night, and it has continued to the morning.. and emotionally.. the things i was looking for all weekend in my box, came through.. and now i'm not that sure i want to have them. anyhow..
i'm exhausted. in the morning bit this morning i heard something that really hurt me. that i'm more like my old self than i think i am. that i'm not attractive because of my strong ideas about things. this will never change, and its disheartening to think i might be alone, in my love life, for the rest of my life because of it. i'm working so damn hard to change, and to see that i haven't.. it's just deflating.
Posted by brooke at 09:51 AM
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Saturday, 22 October 05
struggling again
i'm strugging again. someone in the morning assistant circle said something that really hit my heart on a deep level.. it sent me for a loop, it sent me running, and then into my friend m's arms in tears. i thought it was over, but now that lunch has happened, and the hecticness of the morning snack is done, i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed again by my struggles..
..so i'm keeping a foot on the outside of lvec. keeping up in my head some, in hopes that my head will bring me escape from it all. bummer i feel a need to do this, but i can easily get swallowed by it. i wonder if there is a bottom or an end too it.. but frankly, i'm not sure if i want to find that.
so, i'll keep in my head some this weekend, and explore the body some as well. i'll do my best so that i can land on both feet on monday afternoon.
Posted by brooke at 02:42 PM
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Friday, 21 October 05
rehapprensive
this morning i wake up with being apprehensive about work in a different way. my apprehension about work is not based on my own performance, but on the decision of someone who thinks vastly different from my co-worker and i.
i constantly wonder how grassroots activism and a business model can work together.. i constantly wonder how my colleague and i can work with the folks who we report too. i constantly wonder about the dynamic between those who are guided by their wallets and those who are guided by their hearts.
anyhow. i wonder a lot of things.
--
today is the beginning of a heart of now weekend. i'm apprehensive about the weekend. sometimes i wish i could check my ego at the door, and other times i wonder why i have too.
anyhow.
i'm working on my statement for graduate school. i'm working on.. keeping my sanity in the most insane moments.. i'm working on .. a lot of stuff.
in this moment i'm exhausted. i hope it doesn't last.
i sense a cup of coffee in my near future.
Posted by brooke at 07:34 AM
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Thursday, 20 October 05
work
i'm apprehensive about things at work right now. i'm finally getting to do what i've wanted all summer, and now.. now my heart isn't fully behind my brain.. and my brain isn't fully behind its greater wishes to...
.. i'm finally getting a chance to do what i'm good at. all summer i would go into t's office and he'd fill me in about what was going on at the highest levels of the campaign. we'd chat and i'd offer my opinions of what was going on. for the most part my opinions and suggestions were right on. for the most part, when sitting around just shooting the shit with my colleague, with nothing riding on my shoulders, my instincts were right on. no pressure on me, just the pure fun of campaign strategy.
.. now, in this moment the pressure is on. we're writing a proposal. a proposal that will propel me statewide. a proposal that will bring the working relationship into what he and i longed for all summer.. a working relationship where we could put our minds together and take this campaign where *we* wanted it to go, and where we knew it should go. the proposal is in my lap at this moment, and i'm stuck.
.. i shouldn't be stuck. i know how to do this.. but my heart and brain.. they don't work under pressure very well.. now is time to perform, now is the moment to look at the summer in the eyes and do what i know i can do. now is the moment...
.. a lot is weighing on what we are putting together. the campaign, outreach, but most of all our own success, and my own ability that i can step up to this opportunity.
.. this opportunity to really be able to flourish. my colleague has all the faith in me. and i, of course i have all the faith in him. i've never been in this kind of working relationship. i've never looked at someone in the eyes and said 'we're in this together.. if you go down, i'm gone..' and had someone repeat that back to me. its a really beautiful thing to have at work.
.. about a month into this working relationship this summer i realized that i had a huge crush on this sweet, newly married man. but i didn't let it get in the way. slowly but surely my crush grew into an affection i can only equate to that of an older sister towards a very sweet and endearing brother. i adore this man that i get to work with, i adore that he looks out for me, that our music clashes and he sits in his office listening to whatever it is he listens too, with the door closed, while i sit out in the main office listeninig to alison krauss. i love that when one of us is down the other is there to pick up the slack.. i love that the first question he asks me as we sit down to chat about this and that is "how are you?"... our relationship is pretty much kept at work, and thats fine..
.. and so, my apprehension about this work that we're doing goes beyond the simple fact of being propelled into statewide organizing, the pressure for me is to keep my half of this partnership going. i don't want to let him down.. i don't want to let myself down. i want to know that we went in this with our organizing skills, our working relationship, and pulled off something with grace, apptitude, and depth.
--
in other notes.. i'm having a hard time watching a good man be dicked around by a mean person.
Posted by brooke at 11:10 AM
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Wednesday, 19 October 05
in the middle of a dream
i woke up in the middle of a dream. i hate that.
anyhow.
i gotta get ready for work. holding up two organizations for 3 weeks.. the other didn't know about the other. *sigh* and with everything i got to go through during those 3 weeks. no one died, *and* the organizations still exist. i guess i did something well.
anyhow.
last night was spent at an excellent talk by phyllis bennis of code pink. later last night was spent at cozmic with the more than excellent company of three friends who i don't get to relax with very often, who when i do only solidifies the idea i have that i am a lucky girl to be here in eugene. yes, i am. laughter and seriousness, activism and not activism. we held good conversation and lots of love amongst each other. yes, i am a lucky girl. yes, they are lucky people to have me amongst them. yes, even though i get frustrated with the lack of connection beyond work amongst all of us, when we do finally get to connect it is a beautiful thing. thanks friends, i've missed you. i need lvec, and i need y'all.. sometimes even more than i realize.
Posted by brooke at 09:29 AM
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Tuesday, 18 October 05
life just got a bit more complicated
really. life just got a bit more complicated. for my head. fuck. oh, my head and heart are tugging me in completely different directions.
*sigh*
luckily, the intention i had already thought about for the weekend was how to bring my mind and body together.. so that the mind isn't the only piece that feels joy, and my body only feels sadness. and so the two can act as one, instead of completley seperate. anyhow.. thats what i was thinking about just this morning.
Posted by brooke at 05:37 PM
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well.. yeehaw
friday i didn't think i'd gotten the minimum score i needed on the gre for the university of georgia.. i called the graduate school admissions today, and i found out, that lo and behold, they have my old scores.. they combine the top scores from each section taken and thats the score they submit to the department.. i now just squeek in at the minimum needed for uga.
*whew*
the next hurdle? the letters of recommendation. why? because i have such a hard time with that.. even though all 3 have agreed. anyhow.. the letters and my statement. and then for university of washington, a sample of scholarly writing! thats worse than.. okay, NOT the gre. i'm reading 'teaching community: a pedagogy of hope' by bell hooks, which i'll write a paper on. ack. luckily i have lots of academics in the family to help me get back on academic track and help me write this paper.. if it hadn't been SO long this wouldn't be an issue, or if i had written a thesis for my masters degree. anyhow.. its all good, i hope.
Posted by brooke at 12:07 PM
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Monday, 17 October 05
i sent this letter
i never ever thought that i would be able to tap into something in me that would let me relive stuff that happened years ago. i never ever thought that i would be able to give voice to something deep inside me that has carried a great pain from 20 years ago. today i got to stand up to someone who didn't listen to me when i tried to stand up for myself back then. i sent him this letter.
Hi ___________,
I read the article that featured you with great facination. The reason I did so, was because I was a pediatric endicrinology patient at ---------------. I was first there as an infant and small child, between the years of 1973 and 1975. I was later there during my prepubescent years. I want to tell you that I am glad that researchers and doctors are finally realizing that short stature isn't a big deal anymore. For me, my height wasn't a huge deal, until I was a prepubescent, and I was told by my mother and a team of doctors at your facility that it should be. I was not a willing patient at your facility, and 20 years later I still carry some emotional scars from that time. The big thing I remember from that time is being in conversations with the doctors that I saw trying to make a deal with them about never going back. I think the deal I tried to strike was "When I get to be 4'10" tall, I don't have to come back anymore." I never did reach that height, but for some reason all the adults involved finally got it that I never wanted to be there. I only wish they had gotten it from the first visit. I'm done blaming the adults involved during that time, being angry about the situation does not serve me. Letting you know, though, that there is someone like me in the world, who still carries emotional scars from fighting to keep her body as it was -- perfectly normal, just a little short -- does serve me. I hope that if you run across a child, in future studies, who does not face a health crisis and who does not want to be anywhere near the study, that you let that child fully be in choice about her decisions. Children must know that, unless they are in a health crisis, they have control over their bodies and what happens to them. Adults don't always know what is best for children, even with our years of experience.. if we sit back and listen to the words of children, often times we are able to hear a profound wisdom, a profound wisdom that is not tainted by years of the influence of a society that often times does not have our best interests at hand. We must do what we can to protect our children from all possible harm that might come to them, even when that harm is not so apparent, or not apparent at all to the adults in charge. Children know things we don't, and to be better people, to be better advocates for them, we must stop and let them teach us what they know.
i dug deep inside of me and listened to those voices from 20 years ago, i listened to what she wanted to say and translated it into adult speech. i don't care what this person has to say back, but my hope is that he'll respond with compassion.
today that little girl from so many years ago got a voice. she got a voice with an adult backing her up, she got a voice with an adult cheering her on, knowing that her anger and pain is full of righteousness, knowing that her anger and pain has a source. today i gave her validation.
will it help things for me in the long run? i don't know. but i do know that it can't hurt anything.
Posted by brooke at 12:52 PM
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Sunday, 16 October 05
daniel
just know that there is a beautiful man named daniel who is in his last days on this earth. he has leukemia. i got to spend a weekend with him watching a transformation. i only spent that one weekend, but out of all the students i've gotten to see over the last 5 months, he's been one that has stuck in my mind. he was so generous with everyone he came into contact with that weekend, so generous with me.
godspeed daniel. maybe i'll see you on the other side.
Posted by brooke at 10:43 PM
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Saturday, 15 October 05
no more tears
i am cleaning my apartment... or more, decluttering it, as friends are coming over for brunch tommorrow. as i'm cleaning i'm running into pieces of my life. you know, they hide, they hide in interesting places, and for the most part, its always a little gift to run across them.
today as i was straigtening i came across the name plaque that used to hang outside my grandparents house. dede and al. i also have the clock that keeps such a prominent place in my mind about their home at wild rose shores. and, lastly, i came across a picture of the 2 of them taken in 1992.. taken by me at christmas time.
i used to cry a lot for them. i used to look at pictures and just long to be with them. i used to wonder what it was like for them, and how i could bear to live the rest of my life without seeing them.
i don't do that anymore. i don't cry for them. i don't long for their presence like i did once before. i'm not sure why, though sometimes i suspect that i'm starting to forget a bit about their physical beings. but i'm not bothered by it. i'm not bothered by it like i thought i once would be.
i do think about them a lot though. when things are feeling particularly harried, particularly awful, particularly not too pleasant i'll find myself looking up to the sky, asking them why certain things have to be. i know i've spent quite a bit of time pleading for my fathers life with them. i've spent time asking about certain things, like why didn't i score better on the gre.. but for the most part, i look up because if i envision their presence in my life, like everything uneartly that i'm facinated with, it tends to be up above me.
maybe one day i'll shed tears for them. or maybe i won't. either way, it doesn't change how much i loved them, and how proud i am to be *their* grandaughter. i hope they'd be proud of me.
--
in other news.. i have 3 more things to get together for my University of Georgia application.. transcripts, letters of recommendation, and my statement. i'll email those letters request right now.
Posted by brooke at 05:09 PM
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Friday, 14 October 05
i simply don't understand
why i have to suffer such a level of psychic pain. and why do my best to inflict it on other people.
Posted by brooke at 09:59 PM
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I did it.
i emailed the hr person out at lvec to inquire about doing an internship there. hmm. i wonder what will happen? luckily i know her and like her. and she likes me. i think its good to have a relationship already established with the hr person. :)
Posted by brooke at 08:49 PM
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Thursday, 13 October 05
my coworker comes back, yeah!
my co-worker is back on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to it. my chronic illness has flared up in a serious way over the last couple of weeks, so, frankly, i've worked as little as possible. not really getting back to volunteers, but taking care of interns as i had too. anyhow, i'm realizing, in this moment, that i miss working. i miss working with a colleague. i've not produced much at all, so i'm desperately hoping i still have a job in a couple of weeks. *sigh* i've been in deinal about the stress my illness flaring up has caused. its kicking in about now. anyhow.. i've gotten some things done, but not nearly what i should have. and the signature producing has been terribly hard. *sigh*
pre-gre panic.
Posted by brooke at 10:57 PM
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sisterhood.. really?
how can you talk about sisterhood like that? i had this vision, several times during that meeting, of slapping you. did you see me? every time i shook, i had this, not on purpose vision, of smacking that conceeded grin off your face.
really. its just talk. hey WOMEN. you know which ones. its just talk. that bitch, she doesn't know what sisterhood is. if she did she wouldn't ask when he was going to leave her. if she believed in sisterhood she would respect boundaries, and let go.
seriously. *i* think i have serious attachment problems?? fuck. it ain't me babe, its you. please, don't ever let me have attachment issues like you do. at least i'm aware of mine.
you are such a lying, condesending bitch. i simply don't understand how you can be a peace activist.
---
okay. i'll breathe now.
Posted by brooke at 08:42 PM
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Wednesday, 12 October 05
rural girl
i grew up in rural southwestern Virginia. in the mountains. the very first home i ever lived in was a big ol' farm house about 15 miles outside of the small college town that we used as our town of residence. my brother and i spent our days growing up romping around the fields that surrounded the house, playing at the stream across the road, jumping in the haybales in the barn across the road. we lived in the house of p mountain farm, an actual working farm. i don't know why paul sold the house part, but he did and my parents bought it after my dad got his ph.d. from another college town in virginia.
after divorcing, and finding new partners, both of my parents eventually found themselves, and us, back in the country. my mom was down in the valley, my dad was up on the mountain. i always dispised the living out.. i couldn't drive and was simply too far away from my friends. i swore up and down that i'd never ever live rurally. ever.
so, i didn't. i grew up and moved out. my first stop was an even smaller more rural college town, with a teensy tiny college.. then i was off to the big city of atlanta. i loved atlanta. i loved being able to walk too the bookstore! to the bar! i loved the energy of the city. i loved that everything and everyone was so close together.. and while i also simply adored piedmont park, that it was in the middle of a bustling city made it even better.
eventually i found myself out here in oregon. and i fell in love again, with this smallish city. it seemed to be the perfect meld of my rural roots and my urban early - mid twenties. easy to get around, i could bike to the grocery store, culture.. but no traffic. *and* the access to the rural area was pretty simple. either go hike up the butte or just drive 15 minutes and there i was.
last year i found myself working on a very rural campaign. our biggest city was a small city/town to the south of me. around 4,000 people to be exact. fewer than in all of the city council ward that i live in. i got to spend sometime away from the campaign office, and actually out in the district. i remember my first drive out there i found myself having a feeling of home. i went to a fundraiser and for the first time in a long time i sensed that i could breathe. i mean, the familiarity of the rural area was something that dug at something very deep inside.
over the last 5 months i've been lucky enough to have ties to a place that is also in rural oregon. when i go out there, as i've written here, i've found myself being able to breathe. and sleep. and slow down. and i know a lot of my attraction is the place, but i also know that a lot of the attraction to the place is that it is rural. that that place i felt being dug at deep inside last year, well, the ground has been opened and that place has started to come up for air.
i've always said that once i find a partner that i want to move back out to the rural areas. its where i was born and bred. its where i spent my life defining the core of who i am. its where there is space, and silence. its where i can slow down and be deliberate.
i'm supposed to be going out and taking a friend to lost valley tommorrow. its another moment where i can't wait to get out there.. and not just because of who is there --- although it does help that i'll get to see people i know -- but its also because the freedom my heart feels when i get away from the city. my heart knows that it belongs out where there is space and air. my heart knows that the rural oregon is where it belongs. my heart knows that although it was born in virginia and will always have a kinship there, that rural oregon is the place it has finally found after searching for so long. i just hope that i can concede to its wishes one day and make its dreams of living at home come true.
Posted by brooke at 09:01 PM
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i am so sick of hearing this particular news
the news keeps covering the death of a redneck car racer.. fuck. i'm in the pacific northwest, do we have to deal with this here? shit. i think they are giving this guy far more time than they gave ken kesey. *sigh*
i'm awfully grumpy. sick of this shit i find myself mired in.
Posted by brooke at 06:31 PM
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Tuesday, 11 October 05
what did i do today?
i called a professor. i studied a weee bit. i went to lost valley and spent time with the ever so dear m. i chatted with new friend s and had my eyes opened about another possibility. i went for an exsquisite bike ride.. i realize that i am at my most blissful these days when i'm riding a bike. i'm going to get a really cheap road bike tommorrow. or at least a bike with standard 24 inch tyres. amazing how much 4 difference 4 inches of diameter makes. oh yeah. and there's a possibility that i got *it*.
wish me luck on friday.
going out to lvec to give k a tour on thursday, maybe she'll be inspired to be a student? oh goodness, don't i hope so.
oh yeah.. and thanks emilin.. today was national coming out day. i guess i should come out again?
December 7, 1994: I come fllllllllyyyyyinnnnnnnnngggg out as a lesbian.
Sometime in 2002: Maybe I'm bisexual?
2003~2004~2005: I'm straight.
2005: Straight Queer.
September 2005: Okay, okay! I'm bisexual. got it.
Posted by brooke at 10:26 PM
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HOLY SHIT!
i'm rehersing this conversation that i'm going to have with the coordinator of the ph.d. program at the university of georgia, about taking the conversation that i had with *the* guy that i want to study with to the next level.. and i'm really not sure what that is..
and then i realize.
holy shit.
education is the thing that will meld the 2 worlds that i'm living in together.
holy shit.
what?
education will meld heart of now and political activism. lets deliver heart centered change to the masses! lets change hearts... AND minds! oh.my.god.
i.am.brilliant.
hahahahahahaha!
i love coffee.
Posted by brooke at 08:30 AM
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Monday, 10 October 05
i wonder..
if wearing my 'fuck patriarchy' shirt here at work, in my activist office, is considered hostile....
frankly, in this moment, i'd rather feel hostile, than break down into the tears i've had all freakin' day.
Posted by brooke at 04:58 PM
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a lot of processing
i'm doing a lot of processing right now. i mean, lots and lots of it. i'm kept up till the wee hours of the morning and then woken up again in the wee hours processing everything. feeling my stuff and trying to feel it differently. i'm not wanting to work. if i'm not curled up processing, i'm wanting to clean my apartment. make it more of a home. make good food. nurture myself. thats never ever been the case for me.
maybe thats this little girl stuff? i don't know. i don't know what its about, except that it rang true for me for the first time EVER the other day. *sigh*
i'm looking forward to dancing on the edge.
friends are coming over on sunday for brunch. i've checked in with all of them. i've spent time with each of them, except one, recently. i actually had to narrow it down to these particular friends. one dear friend who feels like she's been in my life longer than the year and a half she's been here.. one friend who i first connected with during the primaries last year, who i finally pursued to say 'yeah, dig-it, lets be friends.' and i love being with her. a weekly walking partner she's becoming. and we can both be totally nuts together. an activist friend who i have a good relationship with, but who's friendship i want to solidify into the kind that we can really feel comfortable saying to the other 'hey, i feel like shit.' and get support for it.. and her partner, her partner who first caused me to have the inkling that i might not be straight, that i might actually be bisexual. she makes me laugh. and 2 new friends, one of whom i'm a bit too attached to for my own comfort, but who's wisdom and place in my life i'm grateful for. and the other, who i just find that my affection for just grows each time i see them. i'm glad all of them are coming over.
anyhow, i'm off track. i have things i don't want to do to do.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 01:07 PM
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Sunday, 9 October 05
quotes
a long time ago.. re: 1996.. i started putting together a page of quotes that i'd come across. the quotes trace my life from 2 years just past coming out as a lesbian, to 7 years living oregon and becoming a straight, queer, bisexual, grassroots, hippy-dippy-touchy feely activist.. a less long time ago, re: 2003, i lost the page when i changed webhosts.. i was devastated, but thanks to the way back web machine, i found it. i'm putting it in moveable type, and so now i'll be able to add more to it.
read more to read the quotes.
"A boy is told that boys do not skip, or jump rope, but he knows that his body is capable of skipping. A girl is told not to physically fight because she is a girl, but she knows her anger is as real as her fist" -Phyllis Burke
"Your silence will not protect you" ~Audre Lorde
"If you judge people you have no time to love them" -Mother Theresa
"Be the bomb that you throw" -Lesbian Avengers
"Its all good." ~everyone, but first heard from Anastasia Mooney, once of Radar Rose
"I've gone across this country
makin' my life my own
Hadn't always done the right thing
Seems I'm drawn to the unknown." -Jane Gabrielle/Radar Rose
"Blues ain't nothin' but a good soul feelin' bad." -Sheldon Kopp
"..when you smile, others will smile too.." -Anne Frank
"..the power of truth is the fuel for the flame.." ~Emily Saliers
"It was 1995, but for two weekends every year we forgot about reality, remebered the 60's and danced the night away."-Bob Hart
"..And for everything I learn there are two I don't understand. Thats why I'm still on a search through the weather strewn church. I'm doing the best that I can and its alright." ~Emily Saliers
"All good shamans are part musicians. Thats how they cure you and that's how they maintain the trance. Good music should be good transcendence. You should get high. You should get uplifted. You should dance. You should sing." -Mickey Hart
"..And its okay if you hate that way, hate me cause I'm different, hate me cause I'm gay. Truth of the matter come around one day so its alright." ~Emily Saliers
"And we belong in the street to walk without fear
We belong in the open telling everyone we're queer
We belong in the hearts of our family
We belong everywhere, out, proud, and free..."
-Jamie Anderson
"Returning to the mountains, I gave my face to the rain,
I was cleansed of confusion, free from the pain.
Mountains said, "soar with us, you have nothing to prove."
"Keep your heart full of faith and these mountains will move."
-jane gabrielle
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself"-Ethel Barrymore
"I..wanted something that was impossible: to be in control of the weather. I wanted to unzip the tent door and walk into the world whenever I pleased. But that's not what going out of your comfort zone and having an adventure is all about. It's all about losing control and digging deep within to find a way to cope, to find a way to ascend the double part of the koru spiral."
-Lori Hobkirk, from Cycling the Koru, from Solo: On Her Own Adventure
"I want to feel more love-- pure and simple, not captured in a tangled web.
A single, solid love that encompasses all.
I want to fly and sing like these gulls. To hear my wings soar through the atmosphere. To catch the perfect thermal and glide all day.
I want to be fearless.
I want to sit here and watch white birds cluster on a dark tree at water's edge.
I want to trust my heart."
-Marybeth Holleman, from The Wind On My Face, from Solo: On Her Own
Adventure
"Slowly the symbolism of the situation dawned on me as I sat in awe,
understanding I was on the threshold of something profound and transforming. Alone, in undisturbed solitude, feeling. I understood all the longings I had for the soft curves of a woman's body as the naked orchids rested in the sunlight filtering through the tree canopy. I had traveled so far to avoid these feelings. It was as if the Fates had made an appointment for me."
-Vera Lucia Morits, from The Moment of Understanding, from: Solo:
On Her Own Adventure
"Knowing between passion of love and the passion of pain, knowing in your heart that the two are not the same.. knowing how to find
your strength, is to start with trust, and you have to know the difference between love and lust, and if growing apart is sometimes just a part of growing up, then knowing your heart is the very heart of knowing.. choosing bad love or no love, i'm not sure which is worse, because in this life of mine its been a blessing and a curse... in our hearts i know we're growing.. this is the very heart of knowing.." -Caroline Aiken
"Once you find your sexual identity is different than you imagined, or everyone else imagines -- it's a very profound matter. Once you eject yourself from the world of the common understandings and assumptions about who everyone is or what they should be doing, then the choices become enormous." ~Frances Fitzgerald in Cities on a Hill, a book about gay San Francisco.
"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian." ~ Fran Lebowitz
"..love's a waste of time..
it won't bring you love if you don't love..
it won't strength you if you ain't strong,
it won't bring you kindness if you ain't kind.."
~Mary Chapin Carpenter
"The challenge is not to forgive and forget. Real honor is one's ability to forgive and yet remember." ~anonymous
"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." ~Oscar Wilde
"..our rivers should be places to celebrate, not to mourn.."
-m. brooke robertshaw, commenting on the recent number of river deaths.
"Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known."
- A.A. Milne
'"..at home the journey seems less tangible.. more inward. You have to switch gears and the map, it seems, is always on the drawing board, undergoing constant revision. It's the New World.. and I am so often a frightened and reluctant Columbus.."
-Gary Winkler
"Yeah, but how many times have we all peeled out of an eddy with our hearts in our mouths and at pucker-factor 10, knowing that that particular rush of adrenaline is *exactly* what we love about running something scary? Is THAT poor judgement? Or is it 'poor judgement' only if something goes wrong, and 'extreme sports' if nothing goes wrong?"
-from a poster on rec.boats.paddle
"Woman is the surging, inevitable beauty of the sea; it is from her that life comes. Woman's life is lived in rhythm with the moon--in communion with these mysteries. Life is cyclical. Woman's life is the cycle. " -dave sloan
"Belief? What do I believe in? I believe in sun. In rock. In the dogma of the sun and the doctrine of the rock. I believe in blood, fire, woman, rivers, eagles, storm, drums, flutes, banjos, and broom-tailed horses.... "
-- Edward Abbey
"Lets look at the roots of this sickly tree
We're livin' in the branches of 5000 years of patriarchy
Don't let it hypnotize you remove yourself from the scene
Your body's beautiful
the problem is the context we've been in
To be independent, strong and big
threatens the status quo
It's only been 75 years since women had the vote
The laws have changed misogyny went underground
Anytime you hate your body society's doing just fine
Keeping you down"
-Eve Decker/Rebecca Riots
"Every time a girl reads a womanless history she learns she is worth less."
-- Myra and David Sadker, in their book Failing at Fairness:
How America's Schools Cheat Girls
"But homophobia and lesbophobia are as different from each other as men are from women. And like men and women, they are not interchangeable. Homophobia means fear of homsexuality or fear of one's own homosexual desire. Lesbophobia means fear of women-centered being- that is, women without men."
~Alix Dobkin
"Feminism means being deeply loyal to women and our interests,
and no longer serving men and their interests. When these interests
conflict, feminists put women first. "
~Alix Dobkin
"Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."
"When I dare to be powerful,
to use my strength in the service of my vision,
then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."
-Audre Lorde
"if they give you lined paper, write the other way"
- juan ramon jimenez
"I Speak Because
love is positivity,
abundance,
and
truth
I Speak Because
fear is unnatural and learned
and love is natural and innate"
-from I Speak Today As One Black
Gay Man, by Keith Boykin
"And while the fear remains, when I finally look up, ready to
take that first stroke, it simply vanishes. It must be gone
so that the body is loose and can function efficiently, quickly
and naturally." -Corran Addison on Fear and Extreme Kayaking
"I'm not sure I can even envision a world without men, but I try. Trying is what keeps me sane, in as much as I am sane. Some days, hours, moments, sanity is irrelevant. I do what I can to overcome my own irrelevance. Like it or not, I am female, and I refuse to let that be irrelevant."
-B.R. Dudley
"every little seed in time will flower"
-Eve Decker, Rebecca Riots
"There is something ominous about a swift river, and something thrilling about a river of any kind. The nearest upstream bend is a gate out of mystery, the nearest downstream bend a door to further mystery."
-Wallace Stegner,
from Beyond the Hundredth Meridian:
John Wesley Powell and the Second Opening of the West
"Its not about keeping silent
When you know there's something wrong
No one wants to start a confrontation
But it doesnt help to simply walk away
You might not be heard;
that's a chance that you take
Somethings got to give
or else its going to break"
-Andrea Prichett, Rebecca Riots
"If you dream of a world in which you can put your partner's picture on your desk, then put his picture on your desk and you will live in such a world. And if you dream of a world in which you can walk down the street holding your partner's hand, then hold her hand and you will live in such a world. If you dream of a world in which there are more openly gay elected officials, then run for office and you will live in such a world. And if you dream of a world in which you can take your partner to the office party, even if your office is the U.S. House of Representatives, then take her to the party. I do, and now I live in such a world. Remember, there are two things that keep us oppressed: them and us. We are half of the equation. There will not be a magic day when we wake up and it's now OK to express
ourselves publicly. We must make that day ourselves."
-- Lesbian U.S. Rep. Tammy Baldwin, D-Wis, speaking from the stage of the Millennium March on Washington
"He sits, regardless of
applause, and thinking as
he kneads his paws,
"What fun to be a cat!""
-taken from a photo caption
"A lot of what straight women and gay men have in common is a longing, wanting to be a part of the dominant culture, its a longing, and an anger."
-Margaret Cho
"If people are true to their emotions and respectful of their identity, then they'll be respectful of other people's identites."
-Kimberly Peirce
"I hope that in time we learn to forge our own customs instead of trying to emulate the failed straight traditions, like marriage, breeding and golf. Because of the world population explosion, gays will be idealized for our natural aversion to breeding, and those compelled to raise kids will adopt or be happy to have a dog and a cat. Three will be so many meat-free lesbians that they'll simply be referred to as "vagitarians." And probaly, after being relegated downwind year after year, the leather contigent will replace their smelly dead gear with pleather and have a heyday."
-Dan Mathews of PETA on Pride in 2100
"If thre were something short of marriage that allowed any couple to have basic security and protect themselves, we'd be talking about a very different fight. But there is no meaningful substitute for the right to marry in providing those benefits and protections. I would hope the fight for the right to marry is not just about gaining the equality and security that heterosexual couples have, but about transforming the institution and the way society views couples coming together."
-Kate Kendall, Exec. Director, National Center for Lesbian Rights
"Marriage is fundamentally a badge of citizenship, a way to create an
identity that's acceptable to our neighbors and families. In the end, our badge of citizenship, however well deserved, would [depend] on acceptance into the very institution thats responsible for obliterating sexual expresssionand autonomy."
-Paula Ettelbrick
"Our transgressive behavior-- beginning with not choosing men-- is a quality of lesbian life we cannot deomonize. Marriage as an institution upholds that division between "acceptable" and transgressive behavior, between the virgin/whore dichotomy."
-Jewelle Gomez in Ms. Magazine, June/July 2000
"According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word "wed" originally meant a deposit for security or the state of being pawned."
-Jewelle Gomez in Ms. Magazine, June/July 2000
"Do not argue with Mother Nature for you are small,
insignificant and biodegradable."
"This planting of seeds is more subtle than it first appears its not just about a dollar to the homeless man it's about perceiving what's happening in this very moment and then deliberately choosing to extend love
It's really hard not to go where my whims urge me to go
but I know what sort of person I'm longing to become
if I want to help anybody in the world before I die
if I want the suffering all around me to subside
I have got to be more conscious of the things I do and don't do
every little seed in time will flower
plant the ones that lead me down a path towards really helping
I am the garden but I'm also the gardener"
-Eve Decker, Rebecca Riots
"You can't type what a lesbian is. We're anything and everything. The one thing in common is that we make love to other women. So give up trying to limit us."
~ Amanda Bearse, actor, television director
"I became a lesbian because of women, because women are beautiful, strong, and compassionate." ~ Rita Mae Brown
"Are there many things in this cool-hearted world so utterly exquisite as the pure love of one woman for another?" ~ Mary McLane, The Story of Mary MacLane by Herself
"I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both."
-Patricia Schroeder
"Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount."
-Clare Booth Luce
"The river is a killer with a pure heart."
-Jim Snyder
"Never fall in love with The River, as she is a fickle mistress.
One day she will seduce you, the next day she will destroy you.
Never fall in love with The River."
"River, river have mercy
Take me down to the sea
For if I perish on these rocks
My love no more I'll see"
-Philip Chevron, (from the song "Lorelei", sung by the Pogues)
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
"Prior to slavery, patriarchal law decreed white women were lowly inferior beings, the subordinate group in society. The subjugation of black people allwed them to vacate their despised position and assume the role of superior. Consequently it can be argued that even though white men institutionalized slavery, white women were its most immediate beneficiaries." - bell hooks
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell
"If there is magic on this planet it is contained in water."
~~Loren Eiseley
"she'll stroll through male pride
amazon babes at her side.
till 'hey, baby'-
she'll jam between his eyes,
she'll slice between his thighs,
she'll insist on apologies
twice the size of his offense.
and for other women,
she'll relinquish her privilage, observe,
and be wise,
she'll compromise when some fire is stoked
by other women's desires,
but she'll never leave the flame.
and all the same she'll crave what makes her burn.
she'll learn her cunt's good name
the thick red lips, the small pink tips,
no more of this cryptic shit, ...
this vagina will be known."
-alix olson, from the poem "daughter"
"None of us is really "safe" except for those who summon unreasonable
courage and dare to stretch their limits by doing (in Yeats' words) the hardest work which is not impossible."
-from the eugene weekly
"How come we choose from just two people for president and fifty for Miss America?" - Patty Paul
"It is enough that the people know there was an election. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." -- Josef Stalin
"I have no objection to President Nixon going to China. I just object
to his coming back." -John Schmitz (ultraright politician, then serving as
a congressperson from california)
"We also want to convey a message to the American people that there's a difference between the people of Afghanistan and the criminal government of Afghanistan. There is a river of blood between them."
-"Fatima" an activist with The Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan
"Anything you do deeply is very lonely. There are many Zen students here, but the ones that are going deep are verly lonely."
"Are you lonely?" I asked him.
"Of course," he answered. "But I do not let it toss me away. It is just lonliness."
-Natalie Goldberg, Wild Mind, relaying a conversation with her teacher, Danin Katagiri Roshi.
"I was fighting for my life." - Sylvia Rivera about why she fought at
Stonewall.
"Loving yourself in a world of hate is the most radical thing you can do."
-G.L. Morrison.
"I'll be a post feminist in a post patriarchy." -anon
"....solo was so much a part of me it wasn't just an act or an isolated trip, it was a way of life." -Susan Fox Rogers
"Go now and go solo." -Susan Fox Rogers
"Grassroots encounters can play an important role as diplomatic or
political encounters. People have to be able to meet on a personal level no matter what the politicians do. We have to be able to talk to one another as human beings".
-Ester Golan, Author, Humanitarian, and Holocaust Survivor
"“When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”
-Edward Teller
"Hope is the elevating feeling we experience when we see – in the mind’s eye – a path to a better future. Hope acknowledges the significant obstacles and deep pitfalls along that path. True hope has no room for delusion. Clear-eyed, hope gives us the courage to confront our circumstances and the capacity to surmount them.”
-Dr. Jerome Groopman
"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." ~Jean Houston
"To trace the history of a river...is to trace the history of the soul, and the history of the mind descending and arising in the body." ~Gretel Ehrlich
Posted by brooke at 08:03 PM
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a heart wrenching decision
i've decided its about time to find a new home for some of my cats. i have 4. i'm certainly not sure how to go about this, because i want to find just the right home for each cat.. one where they will be loved and valued as much as they are in my own home.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 06:12 PM
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different options
i'm realizing i might have very different options open for me, besides the going back to grad school and living a singular life tied down to a job. in this work that i'm doing, and in experiencing bits and pieces of what community could be like, through heart of now, through the bits and pieces of days that i spend out at lost valley, i'm realizing that my life doesn't have to be what my mother and i plotted out earlier this year. in letting go of the idea that my future would be in eugene, i found myself holding tighter and tighter to that idea. in letting to an attachment to this place, what i've found is that in each day, my connection to someone in this place only deepens. and thusly, my attachment, grows.
yes, i'm opening myself up to all sorts of new options, ideas. i'm wanting to do things that i've never done before. i want someone at lost valley to take me into the gardens, i want someone to show me how to build things, how to chainsaw, how to do something outside of an office setting.
i'm letting go of things. i've had this idea that i didn't want to have so many possessions, that i don't need as many, and now i'm actually getting rid of things. this morning, i actually went through a box of shoes, kept 2 pair for myself, put 2 pair aside i thought would be appropriate for the free box at lvec, and will take the rest to whitebird.
i'm also finding that i'm doing things like making meals for myself most days. i actually get in front of the stove, and cook up something.. like quinoa, or spinch, tofu, french toast. i want to have time to bake bread, and juice. i want to spend more time with my champion juicer. i want to make nourishing food for myself, and those that i want to hold closer.
i don't necessarily want the life that my mother, father, brother have. when friend k and i went to an important appointment for me the other day, i said a few times 'we aren't like them.' and we aren't, and i want to be less and less like them. i don't know about permaculture, but i do know about things like pee rags, and biodiesel cars.
i want more options than the day to day grind. i don't want the attitude about money that my new friend has, but i also don't want the attachment that i have. i want to be less attached to the things that feed that which doesn't really feed me, and more skilled in those things that do. i want to create that option. and i'm lucky to have friends in my life, that at ages older than me, are creating that for themselves now, to see that they had options 10 years later than the age i have, makes me aware that i could actually follow the option mom and i laid out for me now, with the knowledge that i can come back and take up the options that i feel so drawn to in this moment.
Posted by brooke at 11:30 AM
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Wednesday, 5 October 05
agh.
the principles of heart of now don't seem to be jiving with my quest to get into one of the best ph.d. programs in the country.
agh.
in choice i would rather have everything be terribly laid back. in choice i would rather just sneak in.. in choice the ph.d. program of choice would be located at the university of oregon..
*sigh*
looking forward to breathing in dexter tommorrow. ha!
Posted by brooke at 11:35 AM
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i have to get up now.. i'm not happy about it.
its too early.
BLAH.
Posted by brooke at 08:00 AM
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Tuesday, 4 October 05
i've been listening to this all day.
alaskan prayer, by the glacial erratics.
great spirit of the mountains
great spirit in the trees
you flow along the shoreline
you whisper in the breeze
you warm me with your sunshine
you cleanse me with your rain
your drops scatter around me
just to rise and fall again.
oh great spirit
around me and within
blowing in and out of me on every breath
oh great spirit
the beginning and the end
you are the source of all of life and death.
great spirit of the soil
great spirit of the stones
you form the world around me
you are the flesh and bones
of earth of man and woman
of every living thing
i raise my voice in reverance
to your mystery i sing.
oh great spirit
around me and within
blowing in and out of me on every breath
oh great spirit, the beginning and the end
you are the source of all of life and death.
great spirit of the ice field
great spirit of the snow
you send your long arms long reaching
through the valleys far below
carving path through walls of stone
as you slowly move along
your grinding and your creaking weave a suttle song.
oh great spirit
around me and within,
blowing in and out of me on every breath
oh great spirit,
the beginning and the end,
you are the source of all of life and death.
flowing in and out of me on every breath.
Posted by brooke at 11:35 PM
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sugar high!
i'm having a sugar high. goddess, i just love sugar. anyhow, i just emailed folks at uga, and va tech.. in advance of my visit home.. after making a complete ass on the phone with the guy at ga state, i had to do something to make up for that.. anyhow, i'm setting up visits at uga and va tech.. i don't want to go back to blacksburg, but, well.. i really need to explore every possible option. plus, if dad gets awfully sick, being at va tech might just be the best thing.
damn that cancer.
i made an irresponsible decision for work, but a responsible decision for me.. i'm going to go spend some time with friend k on thursday. i need to get out to lvec and breathe some. really, breathe. it'll be nice to spend the time with her, and the kids. i always call her place with a purpose, but when i hear the answering machine with r's voice on it, i have this idea that i might call one day, just to hear the answering machine, cause it always brings a smile to my face, even in the darkest of moments.. actually, i really wouldn't do that hmm.. i wonder if little friend t would record MY message? anyhow, i need to breathe some, and being out at lvec always helps me to do that. old person in my life, j, who wanted to get me out to lvec back when it was naka-ima.. it took me a long time to get there, but i did, and really, i did when the time was right..
i've become assimilated into the granola culture.. whats on the menu for dinner? quinoa (keen-wa) with spinach and tomato sauce, with dessert being granola topped with cinnamon, nutmeg, honey and peanut butter.. yummy! though lunch was pizza, and breakfast.. well.. tommorrow i'll be having eggs.
okay. off to work. and getting tofu. its tuesday, bulk tofu at surata for $1.00.
i just need to get through tommorrow.
Posted by brooke at 04:08 PM
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in this moment.
i know how different i am than i once was. i'm not sure who the better person is.
also, i realize i am truly a pacific northwesterner, through and through. i'm way too touchy feely for the east coast now.
and, i'm incredibly grateful for the friends i have. the ones who assure me, after talking to the east coast, that i am not crazy, that, in fact, i'm just like them. with all my emotions and my want for a good, but emotional, life. it was so nice to hear on the phone with j 'i'm honoured you called.' thanks j, i'm glad you were on the other end.
i understand my dad's need to have boundaries around not having unpleasant emotions, but i hope he can understand my need to have my emotions. i can't suck it up anymore, i did that for a really long time, and where did it get me? on disability with a chronic illness. i'm not angry, its just a difference in being.
Posted by brooke at 02:52 PM
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