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Thursday, 14 July 05 :: ambivilance

i'm preparing for my 3rd weekend in 3 months out at lost valley educational center. i'm out there for heart of now. i'll be assisting for the 2nd time in 2 months. i'm rather ambivilent about it. i'm not looking forward to it, but i'm not not looking forward to it.

i'm exhausted. my job is tiring. i'm on the whole time i'm there.. i have to be. i'm a volunteer coordinator, coordinating volunteers to gather signatures. it is my charge to pump the volunteers up, it is my charge to pump potential signers up. it is my job to pump myself up, to not be crabby around the boys, to be a good team player, to live within a business model for grassroots activism.

i don't have many deep thoughts these days. my deepest thoughts go as far as 'just walk away from the ranting person, they won't sign anyways.' i simply don't have the time or the energy to do any serious processing of anything. i have insomnia as well. i'm exhausted all day, and yet at 11pm my body says WAKE UP. TIME TO BE ALIVE AND ABOUT RIGHT NOW. i'm hoping it will collapse soon. i'm hoping that it will take advantage of being out at lost valley, away from my 4 charges, in the dark of the oregon countryside.

i like to wake up early when i'm there. i like to go into the lodge first thing before breakfast when hardly a soul is around. i like being grumpy first thing in the morning and watching people walk into breakfast in various states of emotional awakenness. i like to watch the change over the weekend in people.. by the end of the weekend the group assembled is comfy with each other.. just in time to part. till next month, a lot of the same people, a lot of other different ones, many different configurations.

yeah.. i'm ambivilent, but i'm also looking forward to some time with me, myself and i. i hope to stress time with me and a good book over time with trying to connect with others. that'll be good for me.

posted by brooke at July 14, 2005 11:48 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.