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Friday, 29 July 05 :: relay for life

i went to the relay for life tonight. i went with 2 survivors and 2 supporters of those survivors. i created a luminaria for my dad that they'll light tonight at 10.30pm.

last year i went to a birthday party and both the survivors were there.. one came late because she was walking in the survivors walk, and the other -- well, she didn't know she'd be walking in that walk this year. me.. well.. i wanted to go to support the event, but i didn't ever think i'd be going for such personal reasons.

it was the most mainstream event i've been to in a LONG time. i saw nary a hippie nor anyone wearing any peace buttons.. anywhere. BUT it was comforting to be around all those people who know what its like.

i'll never forget when dad told me about his cancer. i cried, he did too. i still cry. and the vast majority of the people there know what its like to be on the receiving end of that devastating news -- some being those with it, some being those loving someone with it. i instinctly knew that if i'd started crying at the sight of that bag with dad's name on it, no one would have said anything, they would have understood the tears.

i wonder if i'll ever get used to it. my dad having cancer. i assume its probably easier being closer to him.. seeing this new dad becomes the familiar sight, hearing about his daily regemin of hormones and herbs becomes the norm.. being 3000 miles away creates so many different images.

dad's prognosis pretty much sucks. metastatic prostate cancer with his numbers really sucks. i try to hold out a lot of hope, but i'm also one to plan. the prognosis is is that dad will never get to meet the grandchild i've planned to name after him for at least 20 years. i hope i'm wrong. goddess do i hope i'm wrong.

this illness strikes a lot of us. the more i open my mouth, the more i discover that. last month at HoN i discovered 2 people, and i wasn't exactly being super social, that have been affected by it on a very personal level.

i should probably be more positive, but i hate this disease. i really do. i hate what it does to those with it, to the families, to the loved ones. i absolutley hate it.

posted by brooke at July 29, 2005 10:23 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.