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Saturday, 30 April 05
i don't care how corny it is.
Posted by brooke at 12:43 AM
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Thursday, 28 April 05
i just shouldn't
be allowed out in public when i'm stressed and grumpy. *agh*
lots of damage left in the wake.
Posted by brooke at 09:50 PM
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Wednesday, 27 April 05
i never feel comfortable unloading the stresses of my life onto another person. i don't feel comfortable talking about everything i'm dealing with, from managing my illness to dealing with the stresses of working in this community. when things come to a head, when everything seems to weigh in all at once, i tend to recoil from all that i do and spend time hibernating. i get to not burden anyone, i get to process it all, i get to not seem like a victim, i get to appear to have everything together when i go out in the real world, i get to not put a bigger burden than they already have on those i want close. while it might seem like i share my life with the world, in fact, i do not. i share what has already been processed through the filters, i share what i know is okay for public consumption, i share that that is far away from my heart, that that can no longer pierce the hard shell of the gooey mess that is my heart.
tonight i did what i don't like to do. tonight i unburdened and i don't like myself for it. yes, i need to hibernate in a desperate way. i need to hole up in my own skin, in my apartment, with more good books. i need to go for a nice long bike ride, a hike, a lie on the grass.. in my own head. it works better that way, i don't leave any damage in the wake of the enormity of my processing, i don't fear getting to close and the person running way. its just easier for all involved. yes.
i need to spend sometime holding myself close. i need to spend sometime just being alone, i need to spend more time in my own head. i fear i won't get what i need.
i'm definetly doing better though, the time it takes me to recover my head after loosing it is much shorter. whereas what used to take a month to handle, now only takes a couple of days. i'm happy that my recoil is quicker.
Posted by brooke at 09:37 PM
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ballots are gonna be dropped.
on the 29th (eugene, oregon). you should have them in your hands by the 30th or may 2nd.
vote for Aria Seligmann for 4J School Board Position 6. she's been endorsed by Mayor Kitty Piercy, City Councilors Bonny Bettman and Andrea Ortiz, David Piercy, Sally Sheklow and many many others.
Posted by brooke at 03:25 PM
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Tuesday, 26 April 05
mary chapin
there is something inherintely comforting about mary chapin carpenter's voice. i've been listening to her for years, in times of joy, but mostly in times of needing a little thoughtfulness my way. yeah, i always skip the more raucous songs in favor of the quiet ones, the ones that speak to my heart.
---
it looks like i'll be spending the afternoon with numbers. i love numbers, more specifically i love campaign numbers. if there's one thing that can make me temporarily forget the heavyness on my brain, its targeting voters. i'll be doing that for the governor as well. that will be a much bigger project than this, but a good one. both projects should look good on my resume for grad school. no, i've not forgotten.
Posted by brooke at 11:07 AM
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ultra crappy mood
yes, i am in an ultra crappy mood today. hopefully it will improve after i leave work and ride my bike to my noon meeting.
i can only hope.
Posted by brooke at 09:51 AM
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Monday, 25 April 05
every 2 months
i get a reminder of my profession of faith. every 2 months i get my copy of UU world and am reminded that i am a part of a greater faith community, that i'm not in this alone.
Posted by brooke at 09:05 PM
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i wish.
i wish could write about it, but i can't.
men, for the most part, suck.
aha, yes, i am now fully back in the land of the hets.
---
and to all those people i'm currently working with. for the next 3 weeks i will be busy with something more important --- GETTING ARIA SELIGMANN ELECTED TO SCHOOL BOARD.
she needs me. i can't deny her my talents :)
---
dentist was fine. i'm going to costa rica.
---
whats on the ipod? freedom chants by tibetan monks. kinda weird, but comforting in a very weird way.
Posted by brooke at 12:42 PM
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Sunday, 24 April 05
dentist tommorrow
i'm totally stressed about the dentist appt tommorrow. luckily it'll be over by the time i usually am pulling into work. *whew*
---
lemme just say, that if i didn't have a friend like a these days, i'd be a total utter complete mess. she doesn't read this space, and but thank you A. thank you SO much. i love that you insisted on being in my life. i love that you insist on continuing to be in my life. THANK YOU.
---
in other news. house party for aria seligmann, running for school board. yes, she's the candidate for position 6. we had some progressively powerful folks in attendance at said party. won't say, can't say, but it was good. yes, there are 2 progressives in this race and eugene powerful progressive folks have thrown their support behind ARIA SELIGMANN. its good. its very good. i will not say who, because they wish to remain anonymous.
---
tommorrow at this time, i'll be able to breathe. yeah. i can't wait.
---
whats on the tuesday agenda? aria meeting at noon at cafe paradiso. i really think thats it. oh, a stop hate meeting at 4pm. i think thats it. an easy day. *whew*
----
why am i looking at baja pictures? good goddess do i know how to torture myself.
Posted by brooke at 09:34 PM
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i slept
for the first time in a week, i slept.. i mean, really.. deep sleep with dreams and no waking up until the light of day came through my window.
thank goddess.
whats on my agenda for today? i'm not sure. a ride to the library to return some items, for sure. there's a birthday party / house party but i'm not sure i'm going to go.. what i got out of last night was that i do need my hibernation time. i mean, full out hibernate. with everything that is going in my life--- stressful work, stressful campaign stuff, this phd thing, looking at leaving oregon, lonely heart, other personal stresses --- i need to recharge and be alone. all the way alone. no cats, no nothing. some people get busy in their homes to recharge, i do the opposite.. not for long granted, but i slow to a slooooooow crawl and just rest. the house party / birthday party are for 2 of my closest friends, but even those closest to you can be draining at times. sounds awful, but thats the way it is for me.
*sigh*
whats on the agenda for tommorrow? fuck tommorrow. dentist, job evaluation, board meeting. i'll be holding my breath until its all over.
Posted by brooke at 10:20 AM
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Saturday, 23 April 05
ha ha, a big ol' fuck you.
yeah, the cosmos sure does have a way of fucking with me, eh? looky, looky what there is, and guess what?? YOU CAN NOT HAVE IT.
i am not in a great mood these days. oh goddess, i hide it.. and when i'm in the middle of a long day of work, its easy to ignore my bad mood. but when all of a sudden everything stops, or when the cosmos decides to taunt me, the struggle that i thought was winning slaps me in the face with a big ol ha ha ha, no matter what you do or how hard you try, YOU WILL LOOSE.
i'm supposed to go to a seder tonight. but i got a call from someone who needed a ride, and it became glaringly apparent that the topic of conversation was going to be work. i'm sorry, but i'm not interested in talking work talk. i did call a (okay, my only) non-activist friend about going to a movie, i thought 'okay, he doesn't call back by the time to leave for the seder, i'll just go, and suck up the conversation' but i've changed my mind. i'm not going to the seder. no, i'm not.
i'm tired. the kindest thing anyone has done for me in a long time happened back in march.. i found out that my aunt had cancer, this on top of my father's already cancer. i found out by email. that evening i walked into a resturant to celebrate a successful political action earlier in the day -- before i found out about my aunt -- and saw a friend. i told her about my aunt, and then i just started bawling, unexpectedly. she just looked at me and held me, let me cry out all the fears i needed to get out at the moment, she did it with a closeness i don't get much, if ever, these days.
i'm tired. i am exhausted. i need more back than what i'm getting. i'm tired of being grateful for what i get, i'm tired of watching most of my friends getting their needs met and just sucking up the fact that i'm not getting my mine met.
i am so pissed at the universe. i do what i'm supposed to, i apologize anytime i think i might have hurt someone, i admit to all my faults and for my reward? i get looky, looky here's what you want, but you can't have it.
fuck you universe. fuck you. if i can't have it, don't show me that it exists.
Posted by brooke at 04:26 PM
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Friday, 22 April 05
3 hours
its 11.30. 3 hours till i leave for cougar. *whew* i cannot wait. yeah, dig-it, i'm probably much more excited than my cougar companion.. thats okay, i just hope i don't drive him too crazy on the drive up. i apologize ahead of time.
Posted by brooke at 11:28 AM
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exhausted, again.
yes, my mind was up late last night. a bit too late for my own hopes. long day yesterday. work, lunch bunch, meeting at calc, pete meeting, democratic party meeting. yes, my day really does start when i leave work, it really does. i go out into a world who's bank accounts i don't have to spend time fretting about, who's existance i don't worry about.. its not my problem -- its someone elses, i'll just help.
today, after a long, busy week, i'm going to cougar with a friend. *sigh* i cannot wait to slip my body into those healing waters. i'll close my eyes, think of things current, think of things past. yeah, i've had some good moments at that place. 4 o'clock today i plan to have my body there. my aching shoulder will be glad, maybe the hot springs will help, maybe they will give my aching shoulder a bit of much needed relief. more importantly though, maybe they will give my mind permission to turn off for a bit. no, no networking at cougar, no, no fretting about money and existance of non-profit organizations, no, no worrying about much of anything, except staying in the water too long.
----
whats on the agenda for tommorrow? i have my favourite 7 year old for 5 hours. yeah, we're making a cake for her mother p's birthday. her mother is probably my favourite 51 year old. its earth day as well, i need to help out with something there. and a seder tommorrow night. it'll be a nice day. and some how, some how i need to find something for p's day. i need to find something that isn't an object to fill her house with clutter, but is instead, a reflection of my affection for her, and her importance in my life in eugene and beyond eugene. yeah, dig - it, my kid will have an aunt p when s/he is born.
and sunday? i'm not sure what is happening sunday right now.. oh yeah, campaigning for aria, house party, sunday seder.
---
i need to be working.
Posted by brooke at 09:55 AM
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Thursday, 21 April 05
exhaustion
i'm exhausted this morning, after 3 nights of not sleeping. when i've got a lot on my mind, or i'm looking forward to something the next day, i don't sleep well.
yes, my mind would rather think than sleep. its plagued me all my life, my mind being more active than my body is often able to tolerate. i have lived a constant nightly battle with the two factions, the mind deep in thought.. from grappling with the depths of the darkest depressions to flying with expectations about my first trip over the atlantic ocean.
last night was one of those nights. no matter what i did i could not settle my mind down. i do have ways to do this, to calm its never ending round about round about of thoughts, but last night, along with the previous three nights, have left me exhausted. after 2 weeks of being mush to a cold, my brain is excited that my body is back to taking action, to working to complete the many tasks it has for its buddy down-low to complete. my brain would stay up all night, not wanting to miss a single thing, if it could. my brain knows the possibilities of every moment, my brain doesn't believe that the body should rest.
maybe tonight, after 3 nights of this, it will sleep. it will calm. but i've got a busy day today, strife with possibilities for future thoughts, future actions, future connections. my brain loves this. my body though.. my body would love it if i were to go work out, lift something heavy, do the things it loves to do, because it knows that if it wears itself out, the brain has no choice but to follow.
Posted by brooke at 10:56 AM
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tired.
yes, i'm still a big idiot. now this morning i am a tired big idiot.
where would i like to be right now?
in baja
with the whales.
and friends.
its been nearly a year since i've left the country, i'm ready to leave again for a bit of a vacation.
Posted by brooke at 09:47 AM
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i am an idiot.
yep yep. thats what i've concluded from the evening. i'm an idiot.
:P
Posted by brooke at 12:06 AM
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Wednesday, 20 April 05
good day.
it started out being a crap day, but has ended up pretty nice. i think the sun helps a lot. and being on my bike as well. there is a social meeting tonight that i'm headed too.. because of the lovely sun i'll head out on my bike. it'll be a nice ride on the bike path to get there. yes, a nice ride over and back is nice.
i had something else to say, but my mind has gone blank. okay.
Posted by brooke at 05:26 PM
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only 2 days back
and i am just plain exhausted. my book fills up pretty quickly, though next week its amazingly clear.
i'm so busy all of a sudden that i can't think of much to say here, but being that i do enjoy putting things into this space, i'm trying.
whats on the agenda for today? a light day. work, helping a friend with a computer we are trying to ressurect from the dead, calling the dems of oregon for pete, studying arithmetic for me, something social, and maybe popping into a wand meeting.
tommorrow? as usual, thursdays are hell. work, training folks on pm machine, meeting with pete staff, democratic party meeting. i think i've got an hour in there somewhere to study. to rest. to do the things i agreed to do at the meetings.
-----
one thought i do have is that it occurs to me that i'm actually pretty mainstream compared to many of my activist counterparts. in my heart of hearts i've come to admit to myself that i'm not a green wearing democrat clothing, what i am is a solid democrat. more like a social democrat. i believe in things like universal healthcare, housing for everyone, decent standards of living for those who cannot provide a living for themselves, having things like going to university and having access to decent internet connections not be something only the rich can afford. i believe in an over involved government, because i believe that all members of the social strata should have access to the basic needs of daily life and also have access to things to improve their lot in life.
i think at this point in our political system, those of us on the left simply cannot take a risk as big as supporting a 3rd political party. the one that represents us has gone to far to the right. we will be a lot more effective if we work to bring the democratic party back to the left, where it belongs, than if we try to start a third party. we need to take risks in the party, not outside of the party. right now is not the time. though, i applaud my friends who do take the time.
i've talked to people about pete sorenson's campaign.... yesterday i got very passionate about him as governor. pete is an example of taking a risk within the party for what is right and just. pete stands on the side of justice, even when it isn't popular, our current democratic governor doesn't. pete is a real democrat. yeah, he'll sell himself out at times -- thats the name of the game -- but not nearly to the extent that ted already has.
i'm not one to go to democratic party meetings and cheer and talk about the wonders of the party, but i am one to go and say 'hey, i'm a democrat too, and this is the direction we should have gone a long time ago.. lets take a risk and take the party back from those who insist on playing the republican's game. we know we are right, now lets start acting like it.'
---
okay, i had a lot to say.
time to go play with quickbooks.
Posted by brooke at 10:06 AM
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Tuesday, 19 April 05
hate it.
yes, today sucks.
its days like this that i simply hate working for non-profits.
i am expecting a high-powered, high-paid job in the governor's second administration.
Posted by brooke at 10:52 AM
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5.5
5.5 hours of sleep.
i am so screwed.
Posted by brooke at 08:39 AM
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Monday, 18 April 05
god damn.
there's nothing like the rush of a campaign meeting. really, nothing. for me, work really is the best thing i can do to deal with loneliness, or else it would simply eat me alive. maybe its not healty, but its survival. and i have good friends to show for it, and lots and lots of laughing. lots of it.
long day today. felt good. work, class, stopping by to see friends, 4.5 hours of meetings.
might i know the future governor? it would be nice. i'm in on the ground floor of something that could be amazingly spectactular. i mean, really. in november of 2006 i could be gazing at a tv screen, watching election returns come in and see a guy i know accepting the governorship of oregon. yes, i could. and i'm just into stuff like that to think it is really cool to be able to say that i know the governor of oregon.. in fact, i might just use him as a referance, because i'm doing good work for him. and if not 2006, 2010. yeah.
whats on the agenda for tommorrow? work, meetings at 2, 4 and 7. studying for the gre. having a serious conversation with someone about something i just don't have time to do. fantasizing about a possible trip to costa rica. laughing, a lot.
okay. i'm off to finish my work day.
Posted by brooke at 10:51 PM
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crab apple. < updated, with caffeine! >
i have woken in a crabby mood. why? because i forgot about the 3 hour class i have today. :P the subject today? technology planning for non-profits. fuck. i could teach that freakin' class. 3 hours of my life wasted on a subject i am intimately familiar with.
the other reason? i gave an organization i'm dealing with with work my home number, thinking they might be able to catch me AFTER work, because i need to talk to them. those stupid fuckers didn't bother to take into account THE TIME DIFFERENCE between the east and west coast. my phone rang at 6.55am. no, i did not answer it.. but i ran to listen to who was on the machine, because surely only a family emergency would neccesitate bothering me that early, and that being the case i needed to pick it up the moment i heard someone's voice on the machine.
i was up late last night, tossing and turning about issues in my life. a call at 6.55am is not welcome. a 3 hour class on something i actually help others do is a great inconvienience. a 2 hour meeting tonight. damn. its not promising to be a day of continuing to get much needed personal things done. :P
hahahahahaha oooh, it just keeps getting better! cb just called, more stuff to do. hahahahahahaha
is that a cup of coffee? ooooh, it is. you will be my very best friend forever!
blessed be the 7-eleven coffee gods. yes, blessed be.
-----
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah costa rica. friend and i are talking about going to costa rica in july! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA its so hot there in july. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
but maybe we could find some hot latin men?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i'm so glad i'm well again. soon i'll be too busy again to contemplate my lack of physical attention.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
caffeine. yes, its good for the soul.
Posted by brooke at 09:01 AM
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Sunday, 17 April 05
okay.
i get it on a heart level. wish i didn't have to, but i do. thats all i'm going to say on the subject.
onward and upwards.
ps. can we go back to baja now? or paris? a nice snorkel at the tortoise camp or a walk in the jewish quarter on a sunday morning would be just ducky right now.
Posted by brooke at 07:30 PM
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chattooga
i've picked up a book called 'chattooga: decending into the myth of deliverance river.' as i was browsing the new section at the library the title poppped out at me. chattooga. chattooga. chattooga. *sigh* i'm fairly certain that the word held more meaning to me than most of my fellow bibliophiles browsing the racks. i'm fairly certain that my bipolar gut reaction ---- pick up, read now / run far away --- was not one that many, if any, held.
i've just started to read the book. i anxiously await stories of section IV. or do i? i'm at the beginning of the book and i want to read about what know. but do i?
those were times. yes, those were times that i miss. i miss feeling at such ease in my kayak. i miss easily bouncing down rapids knowing i was in full control. i miss the feel of my hips on the water, ever knowing how to react without thought.
yes, i was good. i was really good. when i slipped my hips and my boat down into those streams of my youth, i knew what to do. i would see a current and by arms, torso, hips, and legs would just follow their instinct, no messages needed from the brain. the brain was simply there to see, to look ahead, to give messages to my lower body about what to expect downstream.. in the middle of the stream it was simply about feel. the brain was turned off, and it was about feel. in moments of rushing whitewater, the kind where your carefully planned out moves based on points you picked out during the scout become nearly meaningless, because they fly by so fast. yes, they mean something, but not as much as the feel of your body in the water. the messages from the brain, important, but the reaction of your body more so.
i wonder if i'll finish this book. i'm not sure if i can, because those times, emotionally were the hardest of my life, but physically -- were the best. just thinking about it causes an itch that cannot be relieved. would i go back and relive those moments on the river? yes. do i yearn to be there? no. do i regret them? no. do i wish i could do it again? the brain that knows what is ahead and what could happen if the body can't preform says no. the body, though, the body that can't perform like it used to be able to, but doesn't know that, says yes. the brain wins out. and my heart? my heart knows what my brain knows, but wishes it could do what the body wishes. my heart is pulled in 2 directions, only one of which it can follow.
Posted by brooke at 12:10 PM
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rising saddle.
its been a good day. an interesting day. a much better day than the tears i shed last night.
i had a much needed day out, and a much needed night out. tonight i processed a lot with my friend a. goddess, i needed it. after being sick for 2 weeks i needed to touch base. i've been dealing with so many different things over the last weeks, i needed to check in with her.
the big word i come with from the day is rising star. yes, thats what it has been. rising star. its rather humbling, and yet i know that i need to continue doing what i was doing pre-sick to keep the flame alive. its a flame i enjoy, its a flame that will look good on my resume. yes, i look forward to tommorrow and working to build the flame again. 2 weeks can put a damper on things.
what else? i now know where to go late at night, well --- past 9pm -- in eugene. the hilton, yep, there's a bar there that you can just go and sit in. its quiet, great for processing with a friend. great for talking about everything --- phd's, dirt, boys, campaigns, organizing. its great for laughing out loud, its great for whispering secrets.
what's on the agenda for tommorrow? i really should go to fellowship. i need to drop something off with friend p. i need to do work for the future governor. i need to check in with s over at calc. i need to do laundry. i need to load the 3 cd's i checked out from the library onto my computer, i need to go for a bit of a hike, or bike ride. i need to laugh out loud some more.
and the next week? hopefully biking across town to work again -- i'm feeling human for the first time in 2 weeks. i've got a full day on tuesday, i've got meetings every night. and next weekend? time with sweet t, house party for aria who is running for school board, 2 seders, studying for the gre.
i'm gonna get back in the saddle, i'm starting to feel like myself again. it feels good.
Posted by brooke at 12:15 AM
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Friday, 15 April 05
justice morning.
its been a busy morning. its pay day, tax day, and the day after rally day. 2 out of the 3 cause for reflection, 1 cause for me to take action so that not only i get paid (and thusly add to my savings for grad school a tad more), but also so my fellow employee is able to re-up her bank account. payday is one of my many responsibilities, it is the thing i was hired to do, i do much more than i was hired to do.
the rally yesterday, though sparsely attended, was a rousing success. this morning i have emailed back and forth with another organizer, contemplating not only the power of the grassroots, but also the power of newly formed coalitions. yesterday was the first time that 2 groups from, outwardly appearing, unrelated causes came together to make a statement for justice, for peace, for human rights. it is something i have been working for, something i have hoped for since i started doing this work, since i left that community to work in the peace community 2 years ago. i am happy, and the community is happy. coalitions and grassroots will fix the left that has been wrighted.
its tax day today. i am not a tax resister, but many of my friends are. we all object to our hard earned tax money going to wars, going to the pockets of those who's pockets are full and not to those who's pockets are empty. we object to our hard earned money being used for death, we would prefer a culture of life -- for everyone, not just those who are of the right skin and class. my friends and i will be out at post offices about town educating the masses about where their money truly goes, letting them know that while we have a president who talks about a culture of life, his actions are the opposite.
yesterday, today. we work, we work for what is right. one day we will succeed, i have faith in that. i know that those who object to justice know that soon they will go the way that they wish us to go. they know that their time is limited, they know that the left is the really the true right. they know, in their hearts, that greed and war only lead the wrong way and one day they will simply be relieved that they are forced to give up because the powers of good have won out. yes, they will breathe a sigh of relief, as their bluff has been called, and we on the left will just let them walk away while we walk forward knowing that justice has prevailed.
Posted by brooke at 12:59 PM
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Thursday, 14 April 05
rally today
there's a rally today about the decision that is going to come down about same sex marriage.
i got 6 hours notice.
thanks to my friends and i, its being pulled off, at least the sound system part.
Posted by brooke at 11:41 AM
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Wednesday, 13 April 05
crabby mood.
i am in SUCH a crabby mood today.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 12:37 PM
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Tuesday, 12 April 05
ashamed
agh. i just made a list of the groups i currently work with, *sigh* i should be ashamed of myself. *sigh* but i'm doing some good networking, eh? and LUCKILY, for many of those groups i don't do a lot. i do just the bare minimum. *sigh*
i spent another evening with p and t. i love them, i really do. i can't imagine my life without such good friends so close. its a long time from now.. i'm NOT gonna cry.
-----
gonna go load up the disk for the gre study book. thats the least i can do.
Posted by brooke at 09:24 PM
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on this phd thing
i just sent this to my ma, along with a link..
i've been thinking a lot about my quest for love and family and my beginning of my journey towards my phd. even if i met mr. right tommorrow and he wanted to settle down in eugene and have a family right now, i'd have to ask him to wait. i need to do this ph.d. thing for me, i'll be a better person afterwards, i'll better be able to take care of myself and kid if something were to happen to him. i really do want to do this, if i don't try i'll feel like i've missed out on something. even with my heart yelling at me to get a family, i know that this must come first.
piled higher and deeper
Posted by brooke at 01:21 PM
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good things!
i must mark the good and the bad. yes, thats what this place was started about 4.5 years ago. to mark the passing of my life.
between yesterday and today 3 good things came to pass at the place i work. i can't go into it, but i'll just say that this place has needed this. yes, it has.
-----
each morning i wake up there is less and less crud in my body. i felt better this morning than i did the previous morning, and so on. i think i hit the worst last week at this time. i'm still terribly weak, but i'm hacking a lot less. i did hit a wall last night around 5.30, but then, as per my body, i woke back up around 10. i got to bed at midnight, waking up at one point worried about something, but slept fitfully from about 5 till 8. yes, 7 hours of sleep. this is good.
i'm on day 3 of the siberian ginseng. i don't know if this getting rid of the crud has anything to do with that or.. but i'll continue with that, and with the vitamin i take every morning. i need add back in the emergen'c, and iron in the form i'd been taking it -- not mixed in with other vitamins. some vitamins are better absorbed on a full stomach, others on an empty one.. iron is best on an empty stomach. i don't want to mix things.
----
what else? there's snow in the mountains. if friends go skiing on saturday, and i continue this upward march -- i'm going to skip the advocacy training and go skiing instead. we'll see. i'll cross my fingers.
----
one morning, early -- while its still chilly -- i'm going to go to cougar. i miss that place. i miss going up once a week with r. i need to find a new companion to do that with on a regular basis.
----
okay. thats it. off to work with me.
ps. i've really been craving paris lately. going back. those 2 days weren't long enough. yes, ms. i-loved-that-dirt-filled-adventure-in-baja-so-much! is wanting to go back to paris. i dunno why, but i do. will i get to go back before grad school? no, but hopefully i'll get to baja one more time. *cross everything on that one*
Posted by brooke at 10:04 AM
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Monday, 11 April 05
this being sick crap
has taught me a lot. of stuff i don't think i want to know. :P
warning.. pity party ahead.
no, brooke has NOT been busy. she's been going crazy, stuck in her house feeling like crap. and NOT once did any of my coupled friends say 'hey brooke, can i bring over some _______?'
i guess thats a difference between me and them. they get sick, i offer to help out, i offer to bring them tea, i offer lots. because when i'm sick i don't have anyone to do that for me. i forget they've got it, and i want to make sure that they know that someone notices them.
*sigh*
all these people saying "NO DON'T GO!" but wait, when i'm sick you don't notice, if i don't go to a meeting you don't raise an eye "hey, where's brooke?" nope.
yes, i know people are very wrapped up in their lives.. i wish they'd remember that, yes, i am wrapped up in my life as well, but dammit, sometimes it gets lonely, not all the time.. but sometimes.
yes, i am as guilty as they are for not paying attention. i am. and yes, if i were partnered, goddess knows, i'd do the same thing.
*sigh*
hey! when is the coffee going to kick in?? do i need more? probably. somewhere around here there's some chai.
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i need to write about my life being in an uncomfortable state of flux. living here in eugene for the next 1.5 years, and then going to somewhere for grad school. 1.5 years is a long time, but is it long enough to make new friends, new committments.. with the whole 'i'm leaving next year' over my head, i find myself reluctant to extend myself, to say 'hi new friend, i'm glad to meet you, are you willing to extend yourself to someone who is leaving in a year and a half?' hopefully the plan is, though, that i'll come back after i'm done (but i make no guarantees).
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*sigh* the coffee is NOT kicking in.
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what's on the agenda for the coming week? meetings.. tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday. friday is tax day. wand will be in springfield, the civil resistance group won't be resisting, but instead will be at gateway doing something dramatic. saturday is an all day human rights advocacy training. what else? studying for the gre -- i checked out books from the library. i want to do well on it, really well.
i'm gonna email my professors this week. ask about them filling out these letters of reference for me. i'm gonna ask them about potentials for an assistantship at uga.
i am GOING to make time to make bread. i haven't made it in SOO long and it is so good for me to make it. it nourishes me to make something nourishing for my friends.
i'm GOING to spend more time curled up in my papasan in front of my living room window reading, cause goddess, that was nice yesterday.
i'm GOING to connect with some folks i've been meaning to for awhile.
i'm GOING to get my head out of pity party mode and into life's a party mode!
i'm GOING to get better and start exercising my body and lungs again -- its been over a week!.
i'm going to write another personal for the weekly.
i'm GOING to laugh some more.
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okay, the coffee might be kicking in.. either that or the music on the ipod is helping.
Posted by brooke at 10:03 AM
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Sunday, 10 April 05
*sigh*
my body is still sick. after talking to my friend e, apparently on her way to getting healthy, she has energetic days and not - so. today is a not-energetic day. i thought i'd go to the coast.. i was getting ready and decided to lay down for 5 minutes.. next thing i knew it was 2 hours later. *exhausted*
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at some point i'll write a much better lament about really wanting someone to curl up with. i mean, a boyfriend someone. not a feline someone.
its been too long since i've had that. that i've had someone just hold me. someone who i can wake up to, someone who's heart i can listen to in the middle of the night as we're snuggled up together.
i wonder why its been a long time. i try not to dwell in it, i know i can't obsess about it, i must not let looking for mr. him get in the way of living my life. what i know is this is, for the first time ever, that the person that i fall in love with will be a lucky person. what i've been through in my 32 years, the things i've struggled with, the place i'm in now.. i'm a good person, i can laugh (when i'm not sick with bronchitis!) at myself, i sincerely care about people, i'm pretty honest, i enjoy adventure *and* staying at home. and on and on. i have my faults, but everyone has their faults. i'm a good person, and goddess willing, another good person will come along, and he will get the privilage of loving me, and *i* will get the privilage of loving him. i look forward to the day i meet him, i look even more forward to the day that he and i come to the realization as to how lucky we are.
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i should think about going to sleep. work tommorrow. work is stressful. after work is fairly easy, no plans that i know of (except for getting cat food!).
Posted by brooke at 09:27 PM
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Friday, 8 April 05
ooohhhhh weeeeee!
i feel GOOD today.
wweeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaa!
coffee! 9am meeting with some of my favourite people! coffee! hahahahahahahaahahaha
ooooooooooooo! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ooooooooooo!
alix olson, holly near, spearhead all on my ipod! whoah!
and i'm only hacking every so often!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
3.30 meeting with another favourite person, who might just give me herbs for my immune system.
tommorrrow promises to be fun. tax day at the market.. colonial proclimations about NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION. no war tax, please, we object! and then off to meet a new friend.
yummy.
coffee! coffee = good.
not feeling like shit warmed over = even better :)
Posted by brooke at 11:15 AM
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Thursday, 7 April 05
pope repeat.
i repeated myself.
oops! sorry my fair readers. if you'll note, the entries were written at the begiinings and durings this illness which i'm currently battling. my mind gets a bit foggy -- okay, i could make the same mistake anytime, but right now, we'll blame it on the illness.
on that note.. i think i'm on my way to swing up. yep. still in bed today, but managed more time at work this morning. this is good. tommorrow i should be nearly healed.
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what else? not a lot. i'm terribly behind with a lot of work.. but thats okay. remember? i've been sick? :)
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oh and dave! i'll probably call this weekend? when my voice returns to its normal octave. :)
Posted by brooke at 02:17 PM
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Wednesday, 6 April 05
best garlic press
this is the best garlic press ever.
it gets daily use in this apartment. if not more.
i'm still sick.
i can't smell the massive amounts of garlic i just ate, damn.
Posted by brooke at 08:18 PM
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Tuesday, 5 April 05
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.
chest cold.
*haaaaaaaaaaaack*
*sniffle*
*haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack*
*spit*
*snif*
*ouch! those cat paws hurt on my sensitive skin!*
*haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack*
hahahahaaha i'm terribly pleasant right now, eh? hahahahahahahahaha
mom said today 'your voice is an octave or 2 lower than usual.'
hahahahahahahahahaha
at least i can laugh?
:)
no, i did not go on the anti-racism flyering field trip with mm from calc nor did i go to the jnwc earth day meeting today :)
Posted by brooke at 08:37 PM
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Monday, 4 April 05
on the pope and.
maybe i'm just too mainstream. maybe i spend too much time watching tv. maybe my ideals have gone to far, maybe i just need to stop and start to question everything.
*sigh*
i just don't think it is my place, nor the place of my fellow non-catholic-radical-liberals to question a dead man (the pope).
*sigh*
the social ideals that he carried with him as he went through the world are ones that i could not stand behind. no, they are not. he was from a different time and, socially, he never seemed to move past it.
*sigh*
but i really strongly believe that right now is not the time to be attacking the pope.
*sigh*
i think its protection. i wonder what those on the other side will say when the dalai lama dies. i wonder what they will say about him, what he stood for, what he believed, the people who looked to him for spiritual guidance? i wonder if george (bush) will be on tv, dressed in black, moments after he dies.. or, will he speak later, after the time to act as a comforting leader (not that he ever really could) has passed?
*sigh*
i have ideals. i have ideals that force me, in every possible situation, to look at the other side. i have to wonder how they are reacting, i have to wonder what is in their hearts, i have to wonder how i would feel if i were in their shoes. i have to wonder how i would want them to treat me.
now, i know that most people on the other side won't do what i do. i know that most of them won't wonder how i am feeling. but i have high ideals. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. i don't care how christian that is, i simply do not care what others might think of me for living trying to live by that creed.
*sigh*
hopefully by trying to see all sides, hopefully by trying to have feelings of comfort for people that in day to day circumstances i would simply look at and hold great distain for, maybe i can achieve something inner for world peace.
we will never have peace until we truly respect everyone, even our enemies. as a peacemaker i must do what i can to live that.
oh goddess no, i'm not a saint, oh goddess no, i can't pull it off most of the time. oh goddess, its hard. but i try.
Posted by brooke at 08:47 PM
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morning has broken...
nearly. :)
one advantage of this daylight savings time.. work is over an hour early! hahahahahaha
okay, i know, i also have to be here an hour earlier. and be awake an hour earlier as well :P
no, i am not a morning person.
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eugene folks. catch this in the next few hours..
eyes wide open. its a not miss. i don't care what side of the war you are on. peace people need to see it, esp. those who don't have much compassion for the soldiers... and war people need to see it- you need to see the costs of the war.
i walked in and i could just feel my heart open. it just fell open. i couldn't help it.
one of my newest friends, carol, who i just adore.. she's the volunteer coordinator. she said to me 'its like being at a 2 day funeral.'
i couldn't have said it better.
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the pope. yes, i've been following the death of the pope. if only i were more with it this morning. hormones have got my body all out of whack. hey! i *am* very fertile!
but back to the pope.
i'm not catholic, and goddess.. some of the things that man said i vehemently disagreed with. but i have to respect the loss that many of my fellow beings are feeling at this moment. i have to respect what he stood for to so many people. i have to respect the loss present in so many of the pilgrims eyes. i have to.
my best wishes to those of you who are feeling this loss.
in my community many will feel that kind of loss when the dalai lama dies. i only hope that those who are mourning now will respect those who feel the tremendous loss when that man dies.
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okay. back to work.
Posted by brooke at 11:00 AM
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Sunday, 3 April 05
weekend.
yep. its over.
i'm healing from my bike crash. last night i attempted surgery on my bike's brakes. it was only partially successful. i need to take it to an actual licensed bike doc.
cats have been terribly cute all weekend. max, the grump - as lisa reminded me she knows him as - isn't being a grump right now.. hes' curled up with ava.
on that note. i'm outta here.
i promise to try to be a little more entertaining as the week goes by. (or at least to entertain myself a bit better)
Posted by brooke at 10:27 PM
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Friday, 1 April 05
the future governor
i don't have a lot to say today. as of now.
but i've got a campaign meeting this afternoon. it'll be a small one. me and a few others, one of whom is our candidate.
one thing i keep thinking about, as i think about leaving for grad school next fall is.. (and i know, this is really shallow of me)
how cool would it be to be able to say to folks, when pete wins the governor's office - 'i know the governor of oregon. no, i really do. i've been in many a meeting with him, had dinner with him, worked on his campaign. he's a good guy - a little geeky, likes to talk a lot, but really, he's a big heart.
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whats in the belly this morning? maybe too much. but i'm tired (who isn't tired on a friday morning, after they've not slept well due to a hurting shoulder?). when i get tired, i get hungry. carrots, pb and j, chocolate, tofu pate, blueberry tea, coffee.
and the ipod? my 25 most played songs.. mary chapin, arlo, john denver, paul simon, 10,000 maniacs, alix olson.
both the food and the ipod = yummy!
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i should get back to work.
happy weekend to everyone!
Posted by brooke at 11:42 AM
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