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Sunday, 17 April 05 :: chattooga

i've picked up a book called 'chattooga: decending into the myth of deliverance river.' as i was browsing the new section at the library the title poppped out at me. chattooga. chattooga. chattooga. *sigh* i'm fairly certain that the word held more meaning to me than most of my fellow bibliophiles browsing the racks. i'm fairly certain that my bipolar gut reaction ---- pick up, read now / run far away --- was not one that many, if any, held.

i've just started to read the book. i anxiously await stories of section IV. or do i? i'm at the beginning of the book and i want to read about what know. but do i?

those were times. yes, those were times that i miss. i miss feeling at such ease in my kayak. i miss easily bouncing down rapids knowing i was in full control. i miss the feel of my hips on the water, ever knowing how to react without thought.

yes, i was good. i was really good. when i slipped my hips and my boat down into those streams of my youth, i knew what to do. i would see a current and by arms, torso, hips, and legs would just follow their instinct, no messages needed from the brain. the brain was simply there to see, to look ahead, to give messages to my lower body about what to expect downstream.. in the middle of the stream it was simply about feel. the brain was turned off, and it was about feel. in moments of rushing whitewater, the kind where your carefully planned out moves based on points you picked out during the scout become nearly meaningless, because they fly by so fast. yes, they mean something, but not as much as the feel of your body in the water. the messages from the brain, important, but the reaction of your body more so.

i wonder if i'll finish this book. i'm not sure if i can, because those times, emotionally were the hardest of my life, but physically -- were the best. just thinking about it causes an itch that cannot be relieved. would i go back and relive those moments on the river? yes. do i yearn to be there? no. do i regret them? no. do i wish i could do it again? the brain that knows what is ahead and what could happen if the body can't preform says no. the body, though, the body that can't perform like it used to be able to, but doesn't know that, says yes. the brain wins out. and my heart? my heart knows what my brain knows, but wishes it could do what the body wishes. my heart is pulled in 2 directions, only one of which it can follow.

posted by brooke at April 17, 2005 12:10 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.