rivervision - since election day of 2000.

Saturday, 23 April 05 :: ha ha, a big ol' fuck you.

yeah, the cosmos sure does have a way of fucking with me, eh? looky, looky what there is, and guess what?? YOU CAN NOT HAVE IT.

i am not in a great mood these days. oh goddess, i hide it.. and when i'm in the middle of a long day of work, its easy to ignore my bad mood. but when all of a sudden everything stops, or when the cosmos decides to taunt me, the struggle that i thought was winning slaps me in the face with a big ol ha ha ha, no matter what you do or how hard you try, YOU WILL LOOSE.

i'm supposed to go to a seder tonight. but i got a call from someone who needed a ride, and it became glaringly apparent that the topic of conversation was going to be work. i'm sorry, but i'm not interested in talking work talk. i did call a (okay, my only) non-activist friend about going to a movie, i thought 'okay, he doesn't call back by the time to leave for the seder, i'll just go, and suck up the conversation' but i've changed my mind. i'm not going to the seder. no, i'm not.

i'm tired. the kindest thing anyone has done for me in a long time happened back in march.. i found out that my aunt had cancer, this on top of my father's already cancer. i found out by email. that evening i walked into a resturant to celebrate a successful political action earlier in the day -- before i found out about my aunt -- and saw a friend. i told her about my aunt, and then i just started bawling, unexpectedly. she just looked at me and held me, let me cry out all the fears i needed to get out at the moment, she did it with a closeness i don't get much, if ever, these days.

i'm tired. i am exhausted. i need more back than what i'm getting. i'm tired of being grateful for what i get, i'm tired of watching most of my friends getting their needs met and just sucking up the fact that i'm not getting my mine met.

i am so pissed at the universe. i do what i'm supposed to, i apologize anytime i think i might have hurt someone, i admit to all my faults and for my reward? i get looky, looky here's what you want, but you can't have it.

fuck you universe. fuck you. if i can't have it, don't show me that it exists.

posted by brooke at April 23, 2005 04:26 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.