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Thursday, 31 March 05
i broke the fall.
i was gleefully riding from surata tofu, its tofu day - $1.00lb bring your own container- over to calc this afternoon, thinking 'yeah! i'm ahead of time, i'll get there 10 min early to solve s's email problems!' i take a nice curvy, fun shortcut through the park. i glance over -- hey, half naked guy sure is liking this sun, how nice!
i see the puddle, i'll just ride through it..
..........slide.
..............oh fuck!
.................shit.
.................. this hurts.
....................oh fuck. no helmet!
.......................did i break anything?
..........................i'm sopping wet!
...............................nothing broken. damn, that hurts.
..................................sob.
didn't get it? i crashed my bike.
ps. i do NOT recommend going without a helmet. one would think i learned that lesson 7 years ago, after breaking a crash with my head (with helmet) and then my shoulder and arm. but no. i forgot it. maybe x2 i'll get it? really, i got off waaaaaaaaaaaaay lucky. a skinned and bumped elbow, a bump on my knee, a sorta sore shoulder, and muddy clothes.
oh, and of note. earlier today, i had gone on a semi-long bike ride. it was stupendous and as i rode into alton-baker park, what was in front of me was a field of daisies and little purple flowers. goddess. just wonderful. relaxing. yes, i laid down in the flowers. and that ride was soooooooo needed.
Posted by brooke at 09:17 PM
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the sounds of silence
i woke up this morning to a sound i don't often here.
the sounds of silence.
every morning my standard protocol is to wake up, push the on button of the laptop, and hit the on button of the tv. i need my news, and my email. and because i'm wireless for both, i can do that from the comfort of my bed and my sleeping cats.
but this morning was different. i turned the quiet laptop on because i couldn't find my watch, and i don't have an alarm clock and was curious about the time, but no tv. i sat with ava curled up in my belly and just listened to the sounds of the day going about itself.
the day wakes slowly in oregon. most mornings dawdle a bit, contemplating whether it wants to share rain or sun with us. this morning i watched for 15 minutes as it went back and forth. clouds, or none. yes, today we have been graced with no clouds, tommorrow i hear we will be graced with a deluge of clouds, and their contents.
this morning i awoke slowly. i debated whether to drive or bike to work. i checked my email. i talked to the cats. eventually the tv got turned on, and i turned myself on, readying for work, continuing the bike or car debate.
i'm glad i rode my bike. this morning as i rode down monroe and through the fairgounds i could hear the sounds again. those sounds of silence. even as i made my way up jefferson, as busy as the street is, mixed with the cars was that deafening sound.
its almost like we're waiting. we're all waiting for something to happen. i'm not sure what it is, but its there.
dave, was it like that in your part of town too?
lisa, how is it in iowa, silent, or ?
and dad. in the midst of the deluge virginia is getting, was it silent there too?
oh. and ps.
on the terri shiavo thing. the whole thing is simply ridculous. it angers me to no end that this country has made such a big deal about one white person. *shakes head* look around, look at the living in your own town. how many of them are struggling every day to live? how many of them get president bush's attention? how many of them need it? millions upon millions of people need president bush to do what is right and honourable for them, much more than the privilaged shiavo family.
one good thing that has happened? people are talking about living wills. go, do one. talk to your loved ones. tell them how you want to die or live. i don't care if its hard. suck it up, do it anyways. connect and talk. now. before its too late.
oh and ps again. its a beautiful day. i'm cutting out a bit early to go for a bike ride along the river. i need it for several reasons.
Posted by brooke at 10:00 AM
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asshole.
george bush is an asshole.
i'm sorry, but it had to be said.
culture of life. um. yeah.
can you say i-raq? can you say af-gahn-i-stan?
HEY, HOMELAND SECURITY! PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH IS AN ASSHOLE!
put that in my fbi file.
Posted by brooke at 09:06 AM
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Wednesday, 30 March 05
pm machine pro
this blog will get moved to pm machine pro some-time when i get more of it. its free, btw, but not supported except through forums, due to discontinuation of development.
i'm using it to set up calc with a website that can be updated by anyone, so folks don't have to go into the templates to update the content.
its a great piece of software. and the way you just bring in includes to create parts of the site, its wonderful. one could very easily include multiple weblogs on one site.
much more fun than moveable type.
sorry, i've been a loyal fan for a long time. much longer than i was with greymatter and blogger, combined!
Posted by brooke at 09:19 PM
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caffiene in the chai last night.
there was caffiene in that chai i drank last night.
i am so screwed today.
hahahahahahahahahaha
*bonk*
yes, that was the sound of my head hitting the desk.
Posted by brooke at 11:19 AM
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Tuesday, 29 March 05
*drip* *drip*
do you hear that sound?
*drip* *drip *drip*
its my brain. yep, my brain.
huh?
why else would someone who is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overly committed take on even MORE tasks at a meeting she SWORE she would just go to to network at? if she didn't have a hole in her head.
there's a hole in her head, dear liza, dear liza
there's a hole in her head, dear liza, my dear
well, fix it dear henry, dear henry
well, fix it dear henry, the hole..
hahahahaha.. its a song, about a hole in a bucket.
hahahahahahaha
Posted by brooke at 11:16 PM
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nothing to terribly interesting
last night found me at a meeting of 3 of my other fellow justice not war boards. oh, i think it is safe to say in this spot, we are all very fond of each other. yeah, dig-it, we really are.
we laugh. we laugh a lot. we laugh a lot so, as we put it last night, we plan peace instead of blowing things up. yep, in light of what is happening in this country, you'd think we'd be talking seriously about weather underground-ing it. you'd think we'd be saying such things like bernadine dorhn once said.. "Hello, I'm going to read a declaration of a state of war...within the next 14 days we will attack a symbol or institution of American injustice." but we aren't, we are committed to non-violence. we are committed to doing things like they did in the 60's, but with the revolution mind of the 00's. we build coalitions, yes we do. so, we laugh.
poor folks at world cafe last night.. wonder what they were thinking, as my laugh can be a bit loud, and i swear, my fellow board j, damn, she's just funny.
hopefully today, as i'm going through an expectedly hard meeting this afternoon i'll carry those laughs with me. yes, they'll look at me strangely, but i don't care, i'll apologize and just move on.. but with a big ol' grin on my face 8-D
-----
now its time to throw on some clothes and head out to work.. more fighting with quickbooks. damn! damn! damn! that program.
luckily i've got coffee on my side. ;-D
Posted by brooke at 09:21 AM
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Monday, 28 March 05
stage 1!
my aunt, stage 1 endometrial cancer! ha! she's good. it won't kill her! i'm so happy.
i love you susie, a lot. i'm so happy, i might have to cry.
Posted by brooke at 03:44 PM
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its about my entertainment, not yours.
feelin' kinda butch this morning.. yes, that word 'butch' is leftover from my lesbian days. (yes, there were lesbian days)
went to take my bike for a ride across town to work, bike had a flat tire. 4th time is a charm! only took me 25 minutes to change it! and 10 minutes of that was looking rather perplexidly at the tire because it wouldn't fit into the slot between the brakes. hey! don't pump the tire all the way up before putting it back in place! x2, maybe by x3 i'll get it.
hahahahahaha
coffee is good. (and no, i ended up not riding the bike across town, the howling outside my window convinced me not too)
------
what's on the ipod this morning? my peace and justice songs. all 45 of them.
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a sign i live in eugene, oregon - i am wearing a dress to work that has the word "peace" written on it in glitter paint. and it is perfectly acceptable, in fact i often get compliments on it. (love that bash bush botique!) i wonder how well the same dress will go over in georgia? or illinois, or (goddess!) florida?
hahahahahaha
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sweet t often asks why i laugh so much. she often looks at me oddly when i giggle to myself about something only i find funny enough to laugh at. i tell her its cause i like to laugh. yes, little t, i do. its good for the soul.
if i don't laugh, then i'll just cry and frankly i find laughing a lot more fun. how about you?
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time to get to work. yes, time to see if this fix will work...
'.....we are a gentle angry people, singing for our lives.......' a great ballad for trying to fix computer problems. yes, gentle!
ahahahahahaha
Posted by brooke at 09:53 AM
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Sunday, 27 March 05
portrait time. it just happened.
smudge was on my lap. next thing i knew, it was portrait time. click more to see them.
lily
max.
ava.
smudge.
Posted by brooke at 10:26 PM
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goddess knows, its about perspective.
i had a post here about being bitchy about dealing with people who don't know webstuff and having to explain and reexplain things to them..
but then i talked to my aunt. and my dad.
yep, the 2 out of 3 children of my grandmother that have cancer. my aunt is having a hysterectomy tommorrow, my dad continues with his day to day treatment. why deal with meaningless politics when i'd rather talk to my family? yes, at my young age of 32 i really do know what matters. my family matters.
i would rather talk to my family than argue with someone about a website, esp. when i'm more than willing to walk away from that project. if i have to politic with someone, i'd rather just walk away and call my family.
yes. i nearly cried talking to both of them. yes, when i talked to my aunt, as she was getting off the phone-- goddess knows she was tired and probably didn't want to deal with a 32 year old crying neice-- i asked her something important.
goddess knows, i'd rather talk to my aunt than politic with someone. goddess knows i would rather just walk away and head to cougar then try to politic my way up some ladder that i'll be moving away from in 17 months anyways. goddess knows cancer gives things a perspective that we should be able to get without that damn disease.
and goddess.. thank the goddess that operating now involves masks, and really bright lights.
not like when my grandmother was a nurse. :)
Posted by brooke at 04:48 PM
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not seen in us media?
iraqi prisoners build unsuccessful escape tunnel.
i'm blogging again.
Posted by brooke at 10:15 AM
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Saturday, 26 March 05
and i blog
an octopus "walking" pretending to be seaweed, and pretending to be coconut.
Posted by brooke at 09:01 PM
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stressed out.
i'm still exhausted tonight. and my body also loves nighttimes, even if i and it are exhausted it says 'lets dance'.. :P its stress. i'm under an incredible amount of stress. i've got a lot on my mind these days. i'm trying to do the best that i can, but apparently its not working.
fortunately i know many people feel this way.
and fortunately this dell laptop i bought back in december that i really can't afford, is a great computer that i don't think i could live without at this point.
and dave. i'll email you back in the next day or so. yes, lets get together, let me just get a little bit more untired.
Posted by brooke at 12:01 AM
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Friday, 25 March 05
tired.
yes. tired. *blink*
the jury is still out on the rooibos tea i've been smelling every time i go over to my friend g's office. finally took a bag.. "hey g. this stuff smells groovy, i'm taking a bag." "huh? ohh. okay."
and i want to leave such verbal friends? hahahahaha
----
lunch with p yesterday. i thought i'd grab on to it and we'd process non stop for an hour. nope. i was exhausted. could barley keep up my end of the conversation. i think its a combination of stress and unisom.
----
i could really use a trip up to cougar, but i need to find folks to go with. hmm.. i just called k about something.. would she and j want to go? *sigh* i need a boyfriend to go to cougar with. much better with a lover than with friends.. although its really good with friends as well. okay, cougar is just good anytime with anyone (except some of the creeps that hang out there watching all the nekkid women).
----
i need to set a date for the gre. i'm pretty sure i'm convinced this is what i should be doing right now. if i can't be a mother right now, being a student isn't a bad second. and in the end, as p assures me, i'll be a mother and a doctor (of philosophy).
----
i must remind myself. i have good friends, i have a direction in life, i have a job. so many things i've never had before. the friends in particular. yes, i love my friends. even if they are all partnered and busy with partners on the weekends, leaving me to fend for myself :P
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i should really get to work.
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did i mention i was tired?
Posted by brooke at 09:20 AM
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Wednesday, 23 March 05
struggling
i'm really struggling these days with my lack of motherhood, and any sight of it in my future.
my purpose to get my phd is many fold, one of those folds is so that i can better afford to become a mother, through adoption or naturally, and be able to live a comfortable lifestyle, not worrying about money.. cause money stress is the worst.
but i wonder, can my heart wait till then? each day that passes i struggle more and more with my mama heart. i try to keep it in its place, but i worry, how hard will it be to become an older mother? *sigh* its time, its time to become a mother, but financially thats not an option. and, when i am able to look beyond my mama heart, i really do want my ph.d.
*sigh*
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i'm exhausted for the 3rd day in a row. hopefully i'm not coming down with something. i'm also battling a headache.
but tommorrow i'll go to the y early in the morning with a friend, a friend who has lost an enormous amount of weight.. i would like to loose about 25 lbs, i think thats what she has left to loose.. maybe we can loose it together.
------
i really need to set a date for the gre. i need to do something to get my mind of my mama heart. a phd is a good way to do that. i'm moving forward. its good.
i also need to email my profs back. that'll help a lot too.
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i remind myself that yes, when i'm 37, i'll get a job, and start whatever process i'll start to become a mama. i can do it, i really can. 37 won't be too late. and with a good job, it'll be even better. and my dear friend p can give me tips on adopting from india if i decide to go that route. and her daughter (whom i just adore more and more each day) will be old enough by then to really give great advice about being adopted from india and growing up in this country.
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in good news, my doc, yesterday, assured me that my aunt's endometrial cancer isn't as bad as i reacted to it to be. its far different than my father's cancer. this is good. cause if something bad happens and dad's treatment doesn't work having my aunt around will be a good thing. she and i live far apart (me in the pacific northwest, her in the middle of florida), but i do love her muchly and she's such an important connection to their side of my life.
Posted by brooke at 12:12 PM
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Tuesday, 22 March 05
lets just face it.
there's going to be no good time to take the gre.
and is 37 to late to become a mother? *sigh* i hope not.
Posted by brooke at 09:52 PM
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Friday, 18 March 05
2 down, 1 to go.
i just recieved an email from my aunt. she has endometrial cancer. luckily its slow growing. *sigh*
yes, for those keeping score at home, out of my grandmother's children, 2 currently have cancer, 1 is cancer free.
i hate this disease. go away, leave my family alone. i need them too much.
Posted by brooke at 04:33 PM
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Thursday, 17 March 05
i remember
i remember when i got here. it was after 5 long days of driving across country. the night before i'd made it to the state line, crossed it and pretty nearly immediately burst into tears when i'd realized that i'd forgotten my very favourite stuffed animal, that i'd had since i was 8, back in rawlins, wyoming that morning. i should have been thrilled that i'd finally made it to the place of my dreams, but instead i was curled up in a lonely hotel room crying into the phone to my mother about the loss of my beloved stuffed animal. (the stuffed animal was returned to me in eugene a week later)
i remember getting to the willamette valley and driving down it. the whole time i was scanning the horizon for the picture of the mountain - now referred to as butte - that my friend had sent me. the first time i spotted it i knew i was almost home. at the time i didn't know it if it would be my permanent home, i wanted it to be, i hoped it would be, but realistically i thought feared it would just be a way station as i found a job north or south.
i remember getting into the eugene city limits on i-5. i was waiting to get to my exit and i found myself, after a bit of a strip mall, in the middle of a hill - mountain in my old vocabulary - and trees. i exited off and ended up driving up the 30th avenue hill. i was excited that my truck, laden with 5 days of travel, all my belongings, my 2 cats and me, could make it up.
i remember coming up over the crest of the hill and then down towards hilyard. i passed a sign that had the population of the city, in my head i added one more to that number.
i remember getting my oregon drivers license, my name and picture on an official oregon license. i was so proud. i was 3000 miles away, on my own, and here was proof that i'd made it. i'd made it out to this strange and beauitiful state.
when i got here 7 years ago i didn't think i'd be able to stay. by a series of strange events, here i am 7 years later, planning my departure. not because oregon is ready to have me leave, but because i need to go out into the world, beyond this heavenly place full of trees, water and all my friends.. my friends who have proven to me that i am worthy.. to make my life better......... so i can come back to add myself to another census number, so i can come back with a much better sense of purpose, so i can come back feeling full and knowing i can make an even better-than-now life for myself here.
Posted by brooke at 10:10 AM
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Tuesday, 15 March 05
i wonder if i can do it.
there's a lot to do. time for me to step up. people counting on me. i need to find my heart, besides just the pittance offered to my pocket. if i can meet some of those who it will help. if i hear their stories. if i can see the work. maybe i'll go over tothe site to visit. if i can see their eyes and hear the translation. there are so many of them who need us.
it is an enormous task i'm willing to take on. it is a big scary terrifying task. i wonder i wonder i wonder. i can feel the pressure on my shoulders. the day to day tasks. i wonder. oh how i wonder. and i hold my breath.
---
i went over and saw a friend today. i nearly skipped into her house when i saw that she was there. i floated past her housemate, smiled at her daughter, and approached her. i put my hand on her shoulder and simply said 'hi'.. earlier on the phone she'd said she missed me. i knew i'd be greeted with that greeting i love so much when i put my hand on her shoulder. there are days when i live for that greeting. there are weeks that go by that i'm too busy, or she's too busy, and i don't notice.. until she tells me she misses me.
one day i'll tell her how much she means to me. how much her friendship has helped me heal from a lifetime of damage. how she taught me that i was worth having a dear friend. one day i'll tell her that she is one of my dearest friends, and that when i leave half my tears will be about leaving her and her family, the other half will be for the rest.
tonight i talked about grad school. she got quiet. i wasn't sure why, and i'm still not.. but i filled the silence with the sentences 'i'm going to come back.' and 'you know you'll be in my life forever, you are one of my dearest friends.'
but i don't want to think about that now. it causes to many tears. i don't have time for tears.
Posted by brooke at 10:37 PM
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Monday, 14 March 05
i didn't realize how tired i was
until today. fucker. i had the whole afternoon off, and i stayed in bed for 3 hours. goddess it felt nice. goddess, i didn't realize how tired i am.
if i'm this tired now. oh fuck. just wait till grad school :P
Posted by brooke at 06:28 PM
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funny, it says nothing about hating queers
i'm researching grants for amigos and i happened up on the healthy marriage initiative website. i found this the healthy marriage initiative faq. nothing there spelling out that marriage is one man and one woman :) i know, i know, delve further and i'll find it.
Posted by brooke at 11:45 AM
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Sunday, 13 March 05
something prophetic.
i've been working on a project with some friends of mine. the project has been around counter military recruitment. the project is about the truth of war.
our media has hidden from us what war looks like. the recruiters have been lying to our young men and women the truth to what could happen to them if they enter the military and get sent to iraq.
mainstream america has not seen the war. if mainstream america had seen what i've been looking at over the last couple of weeks, maybe they would take just a bit of time to let our government know that this is wrong. maybe, just maybe, kerry would have been elected. not that he would be able to stop the horrors, but maybe he wouldn't have been the war president.
war is not pretty. oh goddess no, war is not pretty. and here in america we are hidden from how grotesque it is, here in america we have sent billions of dollars to maim the innocent, the innocent iraqi's and the innocent americans. yes, all the people on both sides of the front lines are innocent.
the last couple of weeks i've been looking at what we've done. at times i disconnect, at others i can't. i have to close my eyes at these photos. i have to hold my breath as the horror passes by on my screen. oh goddess. i am lucky. i get to turn away, close my eyes. i don't have to hear it, or smell it. i get to escape so quickly. how lucky am i? incredibly.
think about those who can't.
i've put some pictures in the extended entry for those who are courageous enough to see.
the caption with this picture says:
Specialist Robert Acosta describing the recurring nightmare of the attack that cost him his hand when his Humvee was attacked.
Posted by brooke at 10:39 PM
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oh to say something prophetic
exactly.
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its night time. i've been out and about all day long. meeting after meeting, processing after processing. this afternoon's meeting, i could stand it no longer. i had. to. laugh. luckily the meeting was with friends. goddess. thank goddess. they wanted to laugh too. we got some work done. just enough to make the meeting productive. but goddess..
tonight i went to a uu shared ministries meeting. at some point someone talked about laughing out loud, and how necessary it is.
yes. in the middle of saving the world, we must all just laugh. in the middle of this process of saving the world, we must all just take a moment of time and simply laugh out loud. its great for the body. and the mind. and the soul.
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i'm in the process of trying to find the happy balance between coffee and not coffee. too much enables me NOT to sleep. not enough enables me to be REALLY grumpy. how to balance my needs with those outside of me? i'm not sure.
------
max and i have discovered that he must have some time with me in bed everyday for him not to growl so much.
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i should go work. work? yes. goddess. we are all obsessed. so obsessed that in order to get some good laughs, we gotta be in a work meeting.
Posted by brooke at 09:41 PM
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Saturday, 12 March 05
yes, its a long list
i put up a whole long list about the steps i need to take in order to get to a phd program. its a long list, including one step that encapsules the ending of it all, and the whole purpose.. besides the whole becoming a scholar and all that sappy academia stuf.
----
i got to see my friend p the other night. g left his backpack at the wand meeting and i dropped it off at their house. i hadn't seen p in nearly 2 weeks.. i thought she was miffed with me because of my ungrateful attitude at breitenbush. she wasn't, and in fact she said she's missed me. to this chicka who hardly had a friend for years to have frienships like p's just means a great deal to me. other friends have sometimes commented on the connection p and i have.. i've never thought too much about it, but i guess its true.
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i wish i had something prophetic to say, but i really don't. these days my life is about keeping my head above water. i'm working on managing an illness that once threatened to take my life. i'm working to reestablish myself as a productive member of society, though i'm not ready to let my safety net go, i'll be ready in 18 months, when i go off to grad school. a long time away, yes, i know, but with the uncertainty of the illness which i manage on my own, it really isn't. the adrenaline of knowing that there is a future for me in a phd program somewhere will wear off eventually, and the truity of grad school will become reality. i need to know i can manage through that. i need to know i can manage as i uproot my life, tearing myself away from friends like p, i need to know that i can maintain what i have here in eugene right now. i have a beautiful thing here, i want to leave it being even more beautiful.
--
its time to get ready for the day. it was nice to be able to sit in bed till now. but in 40 minutes i must be on my bike to head to the training. tonight i must work in the grant application. maybe tommorrow morning a hike up the butte? maybe. sunday is not the best day to enjoy solitude on the butte.
Posted by brooke at 10:58 AM
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Thursday, 10 March 05
here there and everywhere. its about growth.
i have thoughts to write down, but i truly don't have the time to create thoughtful thoughts to write down.
i'm going back to school. august of 2006 i'll be back in school. i'm looking forward to it. i'm glad that i have a plan. and i'm glad that my friends are glad i'll be here for another 1.5 years. and i'm glad that i have a lot of time to get used to the fact. and i'm glad that i'm excited about going back to school to get my ph.d. its rather surreal, and i'm worried.. but i've got 1.5 years to get used to all that. and to get fully ready. everyone around me knows that my constitution has tended to lean towards the weak side, but that i have potential for it not too. if i take the proper steps as i take this new step it should all work out. as long as i know i have a way out, i can move forward. it was not having a way out that stopped me from paddling class V rapids. i need that valve, i need to know that if the pressure gets to great i can say STOP. as long as i have that, i can generally move forward pretty well.
i've thought a lot about growth, and i thought i'd write about it, but something in my gut is saying STOP. so, i'm listening.
on that note, its time for bed.
Posted by brooke at 10:50 PM
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Wednesday, 9 March 05
ultra crabby
i'm ultra crabby today. i'm never ever doing anyone's website ever again. i really hate it.
Posted by brooke at 02:56 PM
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Tuesday, 8 March 05
well fuckerdoodle.
got this in an email from a former professor at UGA in an inquiry about advice about phd programs:
I recommend one of the top programs. I think you were an outstanding student and you ought to go to one of the best schools, especially if you want to get a job in academia.... The top programs in the country are UGA, U Indiana, Florida State.
for him to say that. well. i nearly flunked out of high school, had to go to a jr. college in order to get into my eventual alma mater. headed to UGA, didn't have, what i think, is an outstanding tenor there, and then out here for my life to fall apart. i'm in tears that this man would write such a wonderful thing about me.
Posted by brooke at 12:52 PM
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*sigh*
i'm so tired this morning. long day yesterday. my bike is still sick from a bad tire, which i tried to fix yesterday, but failed miserably at. today i need to go down to pauls, get a new tube and just go from there. but unfortunately the gears are all screwed up, and i can't do anything with that without help from professionals. :( when my bike is sick, i'm not happy. happy bike = happy brooke. but we still made it here to work this morning, and it didn't take way long either.
---
got an email from a professor this morning. my favourite professor, EVER. my most optimistic of hopes was that i was going to get this great answer and i would know exactly which direction to move in (okay, that wasn't the greatest hope, the greatest hope was that he would say COME STUDY WITH ME, NOW.), but instead i got an encouraging note but one that left me with a huge decision to make. not one about whether to go or not, but about which program to study. i guess its a great privilage to be caught in what program to study, but to know that my favourite professor, EVER, believes that i would do well in a ph.d. program. many people don't have that kind of encouragement. its good. yes, its good, but i don't like the tough decision i must make, and the tears that shed this morning as i was talking to my friend peter about leaving eugene to persue my studies.
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i have grants to write today. i wish i weren't so tired, but i guess thats what the caffiene is for, eh? must go boil water and pop in a bag of chai tea.
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update, 15 minutes later.
tea is made, *whew*. no one has made tea in a long long time. i was afraid i'd blow up the stove or something.. the tea kettle got a little hyperactive, i thought it might blow up on me and i'd die of boiling water wounds. luckily that didn't happen. now i have my (caffinated) chai tea. oh, and i noticed some very old cherry garcia in the freezer. i know that underneath the layer of old icky ice cream is a layer of yummy good stuff. must explore that later. but now? must call the mrg. okay, after i get more caffiene in my body. don't want to sound like a total toad.
Posted by brooke at 09:44 AM
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Monday, 7 March 05
here, there, everywhere
i am here. and i'm there. and right now i'm in bed thinking about putting my head...... down. *ahhh* yes, there i go. down. for now.
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nothing prophetic to say these days. i'm too busy to think much. its nice to feel useful again. i can do this, thats what i deal with in every moment of every day. i can do this. i can.
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tommorrow afternoon off, i think. must look at my beloved calendar. i know i've got something after 1 tommorrow. but not too important. i can work on things behind, and things forward. lots of hope, as long as i act on it. i will.
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i need to take pictures. the cats are exceedingly cute these days, even though lily has gotten lost twice. annoying, but cute. good thing she's cute. *sigh*
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time for head down and computer off. computer as tired as i am. up and at-em in the morning.
till then, g'night my fair readers. any word on how you are yet?
Posted by brooke at 10:32 PM
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Thursday, 3 March 05
day 2
up early this morning, body awoke me at 6.45 yelling at me GO PEE NOW! cat yelling at me STAY HERE OR I WILL GROWL. cat growl, i pee. body trumps cat in these instances.
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i biked to work this morning, this pacific northwest sunny morning. oh, i think about a future most likely without the pacific northwest and my heart breaks. but then i remind myself, i can retire here, after going out and making big bucks outside the pacnw. yeah, i'll come back, if i leave. i'll come back.
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what did i think about on my way to work this morning? biking. i thought.. hmm.. so many people tell me that they are chickens and won't bike in traffic, while i, on the other hand, don't think twice about biking in traffic. hmm, being the former whitewater kayaker that i am, i have a thing for adrenaline, or, it takes a lot to scare me.
for dad
class I biking: on the bike paths.
class II: in a bike lane on a non busy street, or on a very non busy street down the middle, or a semi-busy street on the sidewalk.
class III: on a non-busy street w/o a bike lane on the side of traffic with helmet on head, or a semi-busy street with a bike lane, or a busy street on the sidewalk.
class IV: a busy street with a bike lane, or semi-busy street w/o a bike lane
class V: a very busy street w/o a bike lane.
class VI: I-5, the highway. thats just stupid.
me? i prefer class III - IV biking. unless i'm tired or in the mood to do some serious reflection, then give me some class I - II biking.
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long day. gonna miss my soap to go to a grant meeting for jnw instead. must get to work.
Posted by brooke at 09:31 AM
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Tuesday, 1 March 05
up.
back from breitenbush. relaxing sure does take a lot out of a girl. soaking in hot tubs, hiking along paths in old forests, herding little girls around, eating really healthy food (maybe too healthy), and then sleeping in a cabin too hot. yes, its tiring.
i was up at 6.30 this morning worried about things to numerous to count. i wonder if i will ever stop worrying about my poor ovaries and how their product won't be used, for oh fuck, i just hope its not too late. i take an emergen'c packet every morning, and an iron tablet, but neither contain folic acid. now that i have a job, i'm going to invest a little more in me and go to the kiva, by bike, pick up some folic acid. i can do my best to keep my body healthy until i finally figure out life and am able to reproduce. i'm starting to think reproduction might take place in the form of foster, but, in the end, the child that is ment to come to me, will. and that child will be loved more than i, or s/he, could ever imagine. and that child will be loved by s/he's grandparents as if they were natural, if they aren't. anyhow, thats one of my many worries.
my grandfather called early. good to hear his sober voice. sober voice is good voice, and makes me tear up at the sound of his 3000 mile away voice. i miss the old coot, more than i imagine.
off to help out the dear's of wand with logistics at a presentation, then off to my first full day at work. good deal.
how are my few readers? besides the lack of sleep, especially now that i have half decaf, half regular with lots of french vanilla creamer coffee going through my body, i'm really ducky.
ps. i hate mcafee privacy service because gmail notifier hates it.
pps. commuted across town, on bike, goddess that was nice. even the hill right before my new office. a short one going up, a nice glide on the way down. stopped by the store, bought a whole bag of candy, and ate it all. :P no folic acid. tommorrow on my way home on my bike. wouldn't it be nice to get an actual career type job, in eugene, so i could commute on my bike?
ppps. i removed mcafee privacy service. i hated it.
Posted by brooke at 08:42 AM
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