« ballots are gonna be dropped. |
home
| i just shouldn't »
Wednesday, 27 April 05 ::
i never feel comfortable unloading the stresses of my life onto another person. i don't feel comfortable talking about everything i'm dealing with, from managing my illness to dealing with the stresses of working in this community. when things come to a head, when everything seems to weigh in all at once, i tend to recoil from all that i do and spend time hibernating. i get to not burden anyone, i get to process it all, i get to not seem like a victim, i get to appear to have everything together when i go out in the real world, i get to not put a bigger burden than they already have on those i want close. while it might seem like i share my life with the world, in fact, i do not. i share what has already been processed through the filters, i share what i know is okay for public consumption, i share that that is far away from my heart, that that can no longer pierce the hard shell of the gooey mess that is my heart.
tonight i did what i don't like to do. tonight i unburdened and i don't like myself for it. yes, i need to hibernate in a desperate way. i need to hole up in my own skin, in my apartment, with more good books. i need to go for a nice long bike ride, a hike, a lie on the grass.. in my own head. it works better that way, i don't leave any damage in the wake of the enormity of my processing, i don't fear getting to close and the person running way. its just easier for all involved. yes.
i need to spend sometime holding myself close. i need to spend sometime just being alone, i need to spend more time in my own head. i fear i won't get what i need.
i'm definetly doing better though, the time it takes me to recover my head after loosing it is much shorter. whereas what used to take a month to handle, now only takes a couple of days. i'm happy that my recoil is quicker.
posted by brooke at April 27, 2005 09:37 PM
