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Wednesday, 30 November 05
fyi..
i wish i had something snappy to say about the interaction i just had.. with a fellow who organizes with the freakin' green party.. but i don't. except to tell my few readers out there, this unknown unfortunately probably all to well known fact: mysognism is still rampant.. esp. amongst progressive men. in fact, thats where its worst, because if you call them on their shit they'll just start spewing all sorts of politically correct crap. sorry fellows, but that doesn't cut it.
personally, i think a new course needs to be taught, new lessons need to be delivered.. "Feminism for the Progressive Man: Yes, You are Still a Mysognist, how you vote or what you say doesn't mean shit." or something a bit more snappy.
its interactions like this that make me want to change the bumpersticker i have on the back of my car from "Vasectomy Prevents Abortion" to "Castration Prevents Abortion".. ha! ha! ha!
Posted by brooke at 10:59 AM
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Tuesday, 29 November 05
biking to work today.. jeez.
i simply cannot believe i'm going to bike to work today. i must have a serious masochistic side to myself. :P did i mention its cold, and it'll be really cold when i leave work tonight? did i mention its raining? did i mention i'm taking this very laptop with me? cause i'm stupid??
no. because i'm a good little activist and don't want to spend money on unneeded gasoline. because biking is good for my soul....
BECAUSE I'VE EATEN 2/3 OF A CONTAINER OF ICE CREAM SINCE LAST NIGHT.
yes, the caps said it all.... fucking breyers on sale for $2.00.. thats just wrong.
Posted by brooke at 02:59 PM
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Monday, 28 November 05
almost done.. with this one
in 24 hours everything will be gone from my control over this application to georgia. i've worked hard on the statement. so has my aunt. anyhow, earlier today i was feeling a lot of different things about this application.. but now its simple excitement, and near relief. hopefully by the end of the week i'll be done sending in transcript requests and letter of recommendation forms for utah state and university of washington.. and i'll just have one last thing to put together for my application to u of wa.. but really, my first choice is georgia. everyone knows it. they have a killer program and people i actually like as people. they have a lot to offer me, and i think i have something to offer them. at least i hope i do, please forgive as i'm not feeling very good about myself these days.
anyhow.. i actually have a shot at getting into georgia. they are one of the top 3 programs in the country, and aiming to be the top. they've told me this. for this kid who was told, in coming out of high school, that she would never succeed in college, having a shot at a top ph.d. program is a big deal. i really hope i get in, i'll be surprised if i don't, but exstatic if i do.
okay, bed time.
Posted by brooke at 11:54 PM
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fucking tired
its moments like these that i wonder why the fuck i ever decided to put myself back out in public. god damn misperceptions.. flying everywhere.. and frankly, i'm sick of being the one going around correcting people and owning my part of every fucking thing, while others just sit in their shit and let me apologize to the moon and back.
Posted by brooke at 09:38 PM
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Saturday, 26 November 05
going skiing
i'm going skiing today. it'll be a late start and a quick turn around, but i don't care. i'm going skiing for the first time on the ski's i bought last year, and frankly, it might be my only chance to go.. the only thing i can hope for is that the ski season is long, that we'll be able to go into march. my surgery is going to kinda get in the way of all february skiing. and, my ski partners are going to baja for 3 weeks in december. and the week before they go, i and one of them is due out at lost valley, and the week before that, i have to work. so, this might be my only chance.
--
i worked on my statement.. its getting better. i emailed it to my aunt s. she's good.
Posted by brooke at 10:04 AM
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Friday, 25 November 05
tonight was joy
i realized tonight that i have a choice about experiencing joy or sadness, that i can be in my story, damage, or simply in the present.
i went dancing tonight and when i first got there i wanted just the slow songs. i wanted to be mellow and sad. and then i got sick of it, i got sick of being sad. i realized that in that moment, nothing else mattered than the music and moving my body. i eventually moved out of my sadness and just started playing with myself and the music. i just dug down to where all the sadness has been and tried to move my body to the truth of the music.
in this moment i feel light and alive. i'm working on that damn statement of mine and i'm rather sick of it, but my eyes feel like they are channeling joy. that is utterly exciting.
--
i picked up this book today:
"when less is more: the complete guide for women considering breast reduction surgery"
i'm not considering it, i'm actually having it done.. tertia's good friend rose had her's done the other day. i'm having mine in less than 2 months. apparently my friends are planning my support behind my back. i love that. i have friends that will take care of me. i have friends that will take care of me, and I GET SMALLER BOOBs. yeehaw. i like that. so, i got the book and i'll read the vast majority of it.
okay. statement time. and ice cream.
Posted by brooke at 09:32 PM
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Thursday, 24 November 05
rough night tonight
i'm having a rough night tonight. *sigh* i want to be held. i want to be held and i have no one to hold me. i want to be held long, and i want to be held with depth. i want to be held by someone who loves me, someone who knows all my faults and likes me anyways.
i'm having a rough night tonight. i used to not know what it felt like to be held when i so need it, but now i do. i wonder, i wonder if it would have been better to never have known what i now know i'm missing.
Posted by brooke at 09:55 PM
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Tuesday, 22 November 05
seriously.
if only i could afford my ownself the same level of compassion i insist my friends afford themselves..... or even half of what i hope my friends will give themselves... it would be simply amazing.
Posted by brooke at 12:21 PM
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Monday, 21 November 05
home, again.
it was a long weekend. fucker, it was long. and challenging. and there were many times during the weekend when i simply did not feel loved, or loveable. i took the lead of a team, unexpectedly. i learned a lot about myself, about how i work, about my simple being. i was in heart of now space, doing a job like i do in the growers. i was under, okay -- i put myself under, pressure to perform like i do at work, and process emotionally like i do at heart of now. a challenge for anyone, esp. considering i've been moving non-stop for 3 weeks now.
anyhow.
i want to remember what i feel right now. as i was leaving i got to connect with 3 people who i value a lot. who's presence in my life in that space has become a gift. if i were to have said that these 3 men would be friends of mine 7 months ago, or even 4 months ago, i would have said bullshit. but tonight, as i was leaving i connected with all 3.. and told all three how much i cared for them, and it was returned. my heart is so full, i'm about to cry (and my psyche and body so tired, i'm about to cry). 7 months ago i would have felt indebted to them for their words, but now i'm feeling...... goddess, loved. i simply cannot believe how much i can love friends, but with all we witness with each other, i think it makes sense that the bonds are tight.. even though we only see each other once a month (i'm hoping this will change, and each one stated an intention with me to change this as well). i'm a lucky girl. yeah, i really am. one day i hope to be able to say that they are lucky men as well.. i'm working on it.
Posted by brooke at 06:48 PM
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Saturday, 19 November 05
my trip back east.
here's what i wrote about my trip, while on it and at the end of it..
day 1. gollee those flights were easy. i didn't expect that, but fatigue helps out a lot. fatigue, wireless in pdx, a corny movie headed towards chicago, a good book, and, oh yeah, a bit of that handy dandy benzodiazapine -- ativan. gotta love that stuff. makes the turbulence go from 'oh my goddess, jeezus fuck, the plane is going down' to 'whoo wee, wasn't that fun?!? lets do it again!' dad picked me up and on the way home got a good lecture on campaign finance reform (i'm currently in one of the other 5 states without it, and headed to a third.. i sense a pattern here...).
day 2. its really beautiful here. really. these mountains. i'm glad i grew up here.. but goddess, they really are... aren't they smaller than the foothills of the cascades?? okay, i got it, the appalachains, are tiny. but beautiful. what else? oh yeah, if you are going to go back to see your folks, and you do 'dancing on the edge' less than a week before you see them i highly recommend having gone through, and practiced, 'heart of now: the communications workshop.' its great for all those misunderstandings that arise as all those old triggers are enhanced by the major surgery you recently had done on your soul. seriously, it was terribly effective and for the first time in 32 years my pop and i realized we've never spoken the same language, that we've spent my lifetime completely misunderstanding the charged things that come out of the other's mouth.
day 3. i'm in athens. my first reaction is -- what the fuck? am i doing here???? and properly get lost. find my way to the hotel, pull in and see an oregon license plate.. "OREGON!" and i proceed to park next too it, in hopes that i'll run into the owners and that they will be someone i know.. ha! a girl *can* hope, eh? i never did run into them, but during a trip to the local food mart, i happened upon the yogurt aisle and proceeded to do a double take.. hot damn, nancy's yogurt here in athens, georgia. after finding the nancy's, i did spend sometime *hoping* to find some toby's as well, but that never did happen. needless to say, i'm terribly homesick. what i've realized is that, while the southeast has a familiar feel to it, it doesn't feel like home. i enjoyed the drive down, for the most part, but the views were lacking the glimpses of the cascades we get driving along i-5. besides that, i have truly become a pacific northwesterner, and from now on any other place will feel like something other than home. what i'm hoping will come from tommorrow are 3 things -- confidence that i will be accepted to this program, an excitement about what this program can offer to me and what i can offer to it, and a feeling that i will be able to come to athens to find a temporary community while exploring exciting new concepts about how we can better make this world more habitable for all of us.
day 4. what the fuck?? am i doing here??? ended up being .. oh yeah! this is why i'm here. when i drove out of athens, ga 7.5 years ago i swore i'd never go back.. unless it was to study with dr. rb. i never thought that could ever happen. i said it as something i didn't think would happen. and now.. now it could actually happen. i had an absolultely lovely time all day in and around aderhold hall. the 6th floor is as i remember it, only better.. better because of seeing it through the lens of the ph.d. program. while leaving my home in oregon is going to be hard, if i can go to georgia, or a program with the same feeling of community as georgia, it will be worth it.. for a few years. i now know what i want in a ph.d. program and it will be up to the rest to prove to me that they can do that. and it will be up to me to make my final proof to georgia that i should go there.
all and all this has been a good trip. i've done a lot of crying, felt raw, seen depths that i expected because of my recent experience at dote, but, overall, i'm grateful. seeing my life in blacksburg through a lens that is healing is much easier than seeing it through a damaged lens who's healing hasn't begun. i still have triggers, i still have misperceptions, i still have damage, but i can now see it through having a better idea of what i want from my life, my relationships, and myself. i can better communicate what i want, and need, and when my communication is mispercieved, i have better ways of getting rid of those mis's and moving into perceptions.
Posted by brooke at 06:54 AM
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Wednesday, 16 November 05
too personal
i'm usually an open book to my family, but in finding things from dancing on the edge, things i created, pictures of me in moments of toughness, i've realized -- there are moments my family aren't welcome in. they aren't welcome to see the full size photos of those hard, but gratifying moments, they aren't welcome to see the artwork i created. my friends there, those who have held those same moments in their own hearts, those who held those moments for me, they are welcome.. but people outside, particularly my family, aren't. i will share with them the cooking, cleaning, and holding of others, but i won't share with them the holding of me.
---
my interview at georgia went great. i hope i get to go back. i hope i have to rip my heart out in oregon to go study in georgia. and i'll do my best to write into my funding 2 trips to oregon every year. 'for her success in this program, she must go visit her home, and those she loves.' i hope it stays that way.
---
i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all my crap right now. and the paper i need to work on. really, i just want to sleep. i may, as i have a super busy rest of 2005.
Posted by brooke at 05:25 PM
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Saturday, 12 November 05
homesick.
i simply cannot believe how homesick i am. *sigh* i can't wait till i land in eugene.. *sigh* i can't wait till our intern meeting. ha! that means i'm home.
Posted by brooke at 03:42 PM
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Thursday, 10 November 05
on the eve
i'm on the eve of a plane trip back east for 7 total days, including the flights home. i've got a lot feelings coming up, from dread to excitement.
i'm dreading the idea of leaving oregon and starting to plan to leave oregon. i'm not dreading, i'm simply very sad about that very fact. when i was in pod time last weekend it came up that i have a lot of grief around leaving 'my oregon'.. i do have a lot of grief about it. i'm really starting to love this place.. i have a lot of friends, i have a part time job that i, for the most part, enjoy. there are hard moments.. i don't have a family of my own, so, the holidays can be hard.. but for the most part.. my life is good. blessed. i'm making strides in each day in my life, and working to actually live in my vision.
i'm excited about going to athens, ga, 7 years later with a life out here. i'm excited about having friends who say 'i'm not going to see you before you leave?' no, you aren't, but i'm coming back, and i'm glad to know you love me so much. i'm excited to walk old grounds in my newly finding self. i'm going to try to stop by the unitarian universalist fellowship there.. see if my very first minister is around. i know she's still there.. it'll be nice to see her.. i doubt she'll remember me, but i remember her. it'll be nice to go to the park i used to go to to exercise, a place i carried lots of tears too, and walk around carrying with me all those i get to carry now. it'll be nice to know i do have people who's lives i'm a part of... maybe not the intimate every day thing, but still i'm a part of their lives.
anyhow.
its my first trip back east since starting heart of now. i've been out 7 times in 6 months. i've been to two workshops, and numerous practice groups. heart of now has become a lifeline, and i'm finally starting to create a community of heart of now friends outside those weekends. i like that. and i guess i don't want to be so far from my lifeline.
i always get anxious when i go over to that side of the country.. i'm always afraid i won't be able to get back.. it is so far. i have that same fear about moving out there.. will i be able to get back home to oregon? *sigh*
i'm starting to feel the effects of the weekend on my soul. i'm not crying so much, but i feel myself taking everything to a deeper level. my breath, my heart space, it feels solid and weighing, in a way that is pleasureable. everything i do is with this depth. i hope i get to keep it. i'm still raw, that heart space of mine that i do so much work with is raw.. but, its starting to scab.. not scab.. its starting to heal. i have a lot of exploring to do, but i feel a strength in me that i've not experienced.. that i have something i want to reach too, but i can do it. i might see how i feel in a week and see about reaching that spot next weekend. talk about it.. be able to isolate it from everything that came up last weekend.
anyhow. i'm babbling.
Posted by brooke at 08:33 PM
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and now, with a bit of caffeine
now that i've got some caffeine in my system, i realized it takes a terribly special kind of whack-job to do the HoN/DoTE/HoN combination, along with a trip 3000 miles away that includes stops in not one, but 3 states in 6 days.
somehow i don't think this is what we are trying to teach each other in this work that we do at lvec. ha!
Posted by brooke at 10:59 AM
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again??
tell me again why i'm going to be on a plane tommorrow to head some place to talk about leaving oregon?? overall, my life is pretty good.. i know this more when i'm not feeling sorry for myself.. i simply don't understand why i'm torturing myself like this.. *sigh*
i have way to much to do today to get ready to leave. this is a major pain in the ass. *sigh* i really just want to stay in bed all day and do nothing. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 10:06 AM
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Wednesday, 9 November 05
why?
why the fuck do i do this to myself? *sigh* go out to a lovely place in rural oregon, and then proceed to, under the guidance of lots of wonderful people, rip my heart out. *sigh*
--
i saw my 8 year old friend t today. i love that child. i simply love her, and i can't love her enough. i got back from dote and after hearing that morning someone say to a friend of mine 'it is your birth right to be loved and nurtured' and for me to feel in the pit of my stomach the knowledge that i never felt that way, i simply look at t and want her to know how loved she is. it is a part of her birth right and i don't ever want her to be in a room of other adults who are just learning it. i look at t and i just want to hold her tight. i look at t and see so much of me and want to take care of her, like i've never been able to take care of my own self, in ways my own mother wasn't able to care for me. i want sweet t to understand how loved and necessary she is in this world. her birth mother gifted us when she gave t up for adoption. her birth mother gifted me when she started the pieces of allowing my friend p, t's mom, to bring her home to her, and then eventually for t to be in my life. i am a lucky woman to have that little girl in my life, and i want her to forever feel the love so many of us have for her.
Posted by brooke at 10:32 PM
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Tuesday, 8 November 05
election night.
eugene passes citizen police review board. way to go andrea ortiz, mc and friends. good work. glad y'all are on my side.
and virginia has a new democrat governor. good.
Posted by brooke at 11:10 PM
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too human
i think i'm a bit too human for my own good. :P
Posted by brooke at 07:13 PM
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so screwed
i'm exhausted today. i was exhausted last night, and then i went out with friends. fuck. i am so incredibly screwed today.
Posted by brooke at 12:05 PM
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invisible
i've never felt more invisible than i did tonight, sitting on the outside of a conversation between two male friends talking about girls.* i knew, in that moment, that it is unlikely that two males have ever spoken about me the way these two men talked about those women. *sigh* maybe its a judgement, maybe its an idea.. but right now it feels really fuckin' real.
*just a note, i know they didn't do it on purpose, they were just talking.
Posted by brooke at 12:50 AM
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Monday, 7 November 05
i'm home
i'm home, at work. overwhelmed, dealing with a headache. *sigh*
i never ever thought that i would reach an emotional limit with this stuff, but i did. i reached my limit saturday night. *sigh* even thinking about it right now makes me feel overwhelmed. anyhow. i'm not going to write too much about it right now, or ever.. that game saturday night though.. *sigh* i'm exhausted. now i get to process it.. fuckin' goody.
i actually wrote some of my experiences up, but they sounded rather surface. it was an intense weekend that pushed me to my edge. i'm ever so grateful for the people that were there. for my pod, for the assistants. they all held me like i needed to be held. and my powers of manifestation, simply remarkable. i manifested a whole pod, and a nice guy on saturday night. amazing, simply amazing :) i must remember that. but right now, i'm simply exhausted, and think i need to go cry some, before karaoke tonight. and a long as hell day tommorrow. but part of it will be at lvec, and working with a friend i want to have a deeper relationship with... and luckily, he's been through dancing on the edge, so he gets it.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 04:35 PM
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Sunday, 6 November 05
i met my edge, and danced on it.
i actually said no to finishing an excercise here at dancing on the edge. last night, i danced fully on my edge. today, with nothing left to give, i gave more. and continued to do so..
.. where in personal growth do you meet your edge? i'm not really sure. i'm not really sure how far to push myself, but this, today, sitting and watching everyone in so much joy, where i couldn't find any, i knew that i'd continue, i'd dance a bit to close for my own comfort. thanks to l for helping me to see that.
i'm wiped, and i need to not be so.
Posted by brooke at 12:29 PM
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Thursday, 3 November 05
what did i just do?
i just made peanut butter with my champion juicer so that i could have some for the personal growth workshop that i'm going to out at the intentional community in rural oregon this weekend.
goddess, i love my life.
Posted by brooke at 11:23 AM
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Wednesday, 2 November 05
dote
tommorrow is heart of now 2, aka dancing on the edge..
i want to write down my thoughts about it..
--
i'm going out as a student again, but this time, we all speak the same language. this seems like a blessing to me. the point is to be able to go deeper, and thats what will happen. there will be a sense of familiarity all around. a sense that we've all been here before, but haven't been.
we-- the students -- are invited to dinner. i plan to go out in time for dinner, and so i can settle into my dorm before our 7pm starting time. again, the sense of familiarity comes up again. thats terribly comforting. i know whats up, i know how to move about lost valley, and yet i'm participating in something i haven't done yet... and yet, i'm a student.. i'll be doing this with friends, not strangers.. fellow assistants. i love getting to work with fellow assistants.. and this will be 4.5 days of working with experienced and more experienced assistants.
everyone says its a lot of fun. thats great. everyone says its edgy.. its about drama and art. i don't do drama and art, thats my edge? yes. i worry about those edges and my willingess to embrace them as i have heart of now 1. i hope i will, i hope i can. i hope that each time i'm presented with something that i don't want to do, that i give space for my not-comfort and give space for myself to explore that, but do it anyways. i hope i can leave work and phd programs aside for those days, that i can fully immerse myself in the experience. i've set that up at work, my co-worker knows what i'm doing, and he respects it. i just hope i can leave all the ph.d. stuff behind. i'll start that process at some point during the day.. i'll work on my statement in the early afternoon and then stop. i'll dash some ideas. i'm good at that.
i've got errands to do tommorrow morning, but i'm a bit excited, so i'm hoping to get up early tommorrow and do those errands before my 11.30 conversation. *sigh* i hope my stomach settles.
okay, bedtime. i've got it down. check in with me later.
Posted by brooke at 11:43 PM
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i know, i know, its never enough and more
i know, i'm an activist.. it can never been enough.. but dammit, its something.. can't we pat ourselves on the back for it?? fuck, i certainly hope so.
Democrats close Senate to push war probe
--
check this out.. out november 23rd -- rent, the movie!
--
more thoughtful entries later. too busy to think too much.
Posted by brooke at 12:48 AM
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Tuesday, 1 November 05
what i'm doing.
just sent this note to a friend who is participating in nanowrimo.. this is what i'm doing write, right now..
fwiw, i'm writing as well. 1 month till the most important statement of purpose i've ever written is due at the university of georgia (dec 1), in order to (hopefully) fully convince them that they should let this southerner turned touchy-feely-lets-change-the-world-(bush sucks)-pacific-northwesterner into their program (again, for the next degree).. in the beginning of the writing and sending it off to my ma -- a ph.d. in educational research and just retired associate dean of the college of education and human resources -- and my aunt -- who coordinates the writing center at a small liberal arts college in florida and helps people all the time with this kind of stuff -- it has been made very clear to me that the touchy-feely language of heart of now and terribly passionate saving-the-world politics doesn't fly to well in academia. i'm busily reading research articles about open-ended learning environments and virtual communites so that i can put something in my statement about *why* i'm wanting to study instructional technology. interesting stuff, excellent stuff, but a lot of pressure.. in between work, being away for dancing on the edge, the trip home back east, away again for heart of now, and, oh yeah, spending time with my friends.
good luck g. have fun, and don't forget to breathe. :)
Posted by brooke at 12:12 AM
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