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Thursday, 10 November 05 ::
on the eve
i'm on the eve of a plane trip back east for 7 total days, including the flights home. i've got a lot feelings coming up, from dread to excitement.
i'm dreading the idea of leaving oregon and starting to plan to leave oregon. i'm not dreading, i'm simply very sad about that very fact. when i was in pod time last weekend it came up that i have a lot of grief around leaving 'my oregon'.. i do have a lot of grief about it. i'm really starting to love this place.. i have a lot of friends, i have a part time job that i, for the most part, enjoy. there are hard moments.. i don't have a family of my own, so, the holidays can be hard.. but for the most part.. my life is good. blessed. i'm making strides in each day in my life, and working to actually live in my vision.
i'm excited about going to athens, ga, 7 years later with a life out here. i'm excited about having friends who say 'i'm not going to see you before you leave?' no, you aren't, but i'm coming back, and i'm glad to know you love me so much. i'm excited to walk old grounds in my newly finding self. i'm going to try to stop by the unitarian universalist fellowship there.. see if my very first minister is around. i know she's still there.. it'll be nice to see her.. i doubt she'll remember me, but i remember her. it'll be nice to go to the park i used to go to to exercise, a place i carried lots of tears too, and walk around carrying with me all those i get to carry now. it'll be nice to know i do have people who's lives i'm a part of... maybe not the intimate every day thing, but still i'm a part of their lives.
anyhow.
its my first trip back east since starting heart of now. i've been out 7 times in 6 months. i've been to two workshops, and numerous practice groups. heart of now has become a lifeline, and i'm finally starting to create a community of heart of now friends outside those weekends. i like that. and i guess i don't want to be so far from my lifeline.
i always get anxious when i go over to that side of the country.. i'm always afraid i won't be able to get back.. it is so far. i have that same fear about moving out there.. will i be able to get back home to oregon? *sigh*
i'm starting to feel the effects of the weekend on my soul. i'm not crying so much, but i feel myself taking everything to a deeper level. my breath, my heart space, it feels solid and weighing, in a way that is pleasureable. everything i do is with this depth. i hope i get to keep it. i'm still raw, that heart space of mine that i do so much work with is raw.. but, its starting to scab.. not scab.. its starting to heal. i have a lot of exploring to do, but i feel a strength in me that i've not experienced.. that i have something i want to reach too, but i can do it. i might see how i feel in a week and see about reaching that spot next weekend. talk about it.. be able to isolate it from everything that came up last weekend.
anyhow. i'm babbling.
posted by brooke at November 10, 2005 08:33 PM
