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Saturday, 15 October 05 ::
no more tears
i am cleaning my apartment... or more, decluttering it, as friends are coming over for brunch tommorrow. as i'm cleaning i'm running into pieces of my life. you know, they hide, they hide in interesting places, and for the most part, its always a little gift to run across them.
today as i was straigtening i came across the name plaque that used to hang outside my grandparents house. dede and al. i also have the clock that keeps such a prominent place in my mind about their home at wild rose shores. and, lastly, i came across a picture of the 2 of them taken in 1992.. taken by me at christmas time.
i used to cry a lot for them. i used to look at pictures and just long to be with them. i used to wonder what it was like for them, and how i could bear to live the rest of my life without seeing them.
i don't do that anymore. i don't cry for them. i don't long for their presence like i did once before. i'm not sure why, though sometimes i suspect that i'm starting to forget a bit about their physical beings. but i'm not bothered by it. i'm not bothered by it like i thought i once would be.
i do think about them a lot though. when things are feeling particularly harried, particularly awful, particularly not too pleasant i'll find myself looking up to the sky, asking them why certain things have to be. i know i've spent quite a bit of time pleading for my fathers life with them. i've spent time asking about certain things, like why didn't i score better on the gre.. but for the most part, i look up because if i envision their presence in my life, like everything uneartly that i'm facinated with, it tends to be up above me.
maybe one day i'll shed tears for them. or maybe i won't. either way, it doesn't change how much i loved them, and how proud i am to be *their* grandaughter. i hope they'd be proud of me.
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in other news.. i have 3 more things to get together for my University of Georgia application.. transcripts, letters of recommendation, and my statement. i'll email those letters request right now.
posted by brooke at October 15, 2005 05:09 PM
