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Sunday, 9 October 05 ::
different options
i'm realizing i might have very different options open for me, besides the going back to grad school and living a singular life tied down to a job. in this work that i'm doing, and in experiencing bits and pieces of what community could be like, through heart of now, through the bits and pieces of days that i spend out at lost valley, i'm realizing that my life doesn't have to be what my mother and i plotted out earlier this year. in letting go of the idea that my future would be in eugene, i found myself holding tighter and tighter to that idea. in letting to an attachment to this place, what i've found is that in each day, my connection to someone in this place only deepens. and thusly, my attachment, grows.
yes, i'm opening myself up to all sorts of new options, ideas. i'm wanting to do things that i've never done before. i want someone at lost valley to take me into the gardens, i want someone to show me how to build things, how to chainsaw, how to do something outside of an office setting.
i'm letting go of things. i've had this idea that i didn't want to have so many possessions, that i don't need as many, and now i'm actually getting rid of things. this morning, i actually went through a box of shoes, kept 2 pair for myself, put 2 pair aside i thought would be appropriate for the free box at lvec, and will take the rest to whitebird.
i'm also finding that i'm doing things like making meals for myself most days. i actually get in front of the stove, and cook up something.. like quinoa, or spinch, tofu, french toast. i want to have time to bake bread, and juice. i want to spend more time with my champion juicer. i want to make nourishing food for myself, and those that i want to hold closer.
i don't necessarily want the life that my mother, father, brother have. when friend k and i went to an important appointment for me the other day, i said a few times 'we aren't like them.' and we aren't, and i want to be less and less like them. i don't know about permaculture, but i do know about things like pee rags, and biodiesel cars.
i want more options than the day to day grind. i don't want the attitude about money that my new friend has, but i also don't want the attachment that i have. i want to be less attached to the things that feed that which doesn't really feed me, and more skilled in those things that do. i want to create that option. and i'm lucky to have friends in my life, that at ages older than me, are creating that for themselves now, to see that they had options 10 years later than the age i have, makes me aware that i could actually follow the option mom and i laid out for me now, with the knowledge that i can come back and take up the options that i feel so drawn to in this moment.
posted by brooke at October 9, 2005 11:30 AM
