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Thursday, 20 October 05 ::
work
i'm apprehensive about things at work right now. i'm finally getting to do what i've wanted all summer, and now.. now my heart isn't fully behind my brain.. and my brain isn't fully behind its greater wishes to...
.. i'm finally getting a chance to do what i'm good at. all summer i would go into t's office and he'd fill me in about what was going on at the highest levels of the campaign. we'd chat and i'd offer my opinions of what was going on. for the most part my opinions and suggestions were right on. for the most part, when sitting around just shooting the shit with my colleague, with nothing riding on my shoulders, my instincts were right on. no pressure on me, just the pure fun of campaign strategy.
.. now, in this moment the pressure is on. we're writing a proposal. a proposal that will propel me statewide. a proposal that will bring the working relationship into what he and i longed for all summer.. a working relationship where we could put our minds together and take this campaign where *we* wanted it to go, and where we knew it should go. the proposal is in my lap at this moment, and i'm stuck.
.. i shouldn't be stuck. i know how to do this.. but my heart and brain.. they don't work under pressure very well.. now is time to perform, now is the moment to look at the summer in the eyes and do what i know i can do. now is the moment...
.. a lot is weighing on what we are putting together. the campaign, outreach, but most of all our own success, and my own ability that i can step up to this opportunity.
.. this opportunity to really be able to flourish. my colleague has all the faith in me. and i, of course i have all the faith in him. i've never been in this kind of working relationship. i've never looked at someone in the eyes and said 'we're in this together.. if you go down, i'm gone..' and had someone repeat that back to me. its a really beautiful thing to have at work.
.. about a month into this working relationship this summer i realized that i had a huge crush on this sweet, newly married man. but i didn't let it get in the way. slowly but surely my crush grew into an affection i can only equate to that of an older sister towards a very sweet and endearing brother. i adore this man that i get to work with, i adore that he looks out for me, that our music clashes and he sits in his office listening to whatever it is he listens too, with the door closed, while i sit out in the main office listeninig to alison krauss. i love that when one of us is down the other is there to pick up the slack.. i love that the first question he asks me as we sit down to chat about this and that is "how are you?"... our relationship is pretty much kept at work, and thats fine..
.. and so, my apprehension about this work that we're doing goes beyond the simple fact of being propelled into statewide organizing, the pressure for me is to keep my half of this partnership going. i don't want to let him down.. i don't want to let myself down. i want to know that we went in this with our organizing skills, our working relationship, and pulled off something with grace, apptitude, and depth.
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in other notes.. i'm having a hard time watching a good man be dicked around by a mean person.
posted by brooke at October 20, 2005 11:10 AM
