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Monday, 29 August 05 :: humbled.

i just came home from a heart of now weekend. i was a student. it was a long weekend, and i went through a lot.. from standing on the platform laughing at everything, to sitting in the circle crying about being frustrated with my illness, with my stuckness. we were a great student group, i felt connected to all of them (except one, whom i wasn't that fond of). i knew what was happening.. i walked into lost valley knowing people, already being connected, having friends. i knew the score, and the score was to go deep, and work hard.

i left the weekend feeling humbled. humbled at my own want to go deep, to face the hard stuff.. humbled at others reactions to me, at the fact that people want to be MY friend, want to stay connected WITH ME. humbled that 2 powerful women want to help ME clean my apartment. humbled that i separated myself from my illness, that it is no longer a part of me.. (DO YOU HEAR THAT?? I AM A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION!!!) humbled at the kindness, and the willingness for others to support me, for me to say that i wanted it.. humbled.

i've come into work this evening (dunno why, cause i'm crazy?) and have gone from giddy laughter (thanks to gd for that email) to tears as i relive some of the experiences i had this weekend.

in this moment i am in touch with everything that is going through me. every emotion. i am aware, and my body wants to express it. will i stay this way? probably not. am i going to make an effort too? heck yeah.. after my comment 'my ma said i can't cry at work, its not professional' teacher kim asked where i work -- 'the growers' .. and everyone, including myself, just grinned and chuckled.. 'its okay to cry at the growers.' yes it is. and its okay to feel all that i feel. give myself permission to do that while i work in this space. yes.

and when i connect with those strong women, when friend ms and i get together, when i take k boating, when i see my friends that i so want to stay in touch with, i will better be able to stay connected to all that is around me in this moment.

posted by brooke at August 29, 2005 07:25 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.