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Monday, 8 August 05 ::
yes, my dad has cancer, and it is more important than your move.
the fact that my dad has cancer has just struck me hard over the last 2 weeks. the fact that he's having radiation treatment has caused my delayed reaction to the knowledge that he has a terminal illness to no longer be delayed.
i've been talking to a few people here and there. okay, 2. one via email, one in person. both have lost someone to cancer. both have told me that whatever emotion i have is normal.. whether it be tears or laughter. both have told me that it strikes at the strangest times. both have told me that i'm reacting to this in a terribly normal way.
i've heard people get very selfish around illnesses like cancer. my dad did, and now, now i feel like its my turn to be selfish. the fact that my dad has cancer is more important than someone kvetching about moving. the fact that my dad has cancer is more important than karl rove leaking the name of the cia agent. the fact that my dad has cancer is more important than just about anything. if i bring it up and you just brush it off, i don't want you around me. i need people around me who are going to give me a sympathetic look or a hand on my shoulder if they see tears well up in my eyes. i need people around me who get that this is as big as it is, and it affects me deeply.
i like my dad. yeah. i mean, i love my dad, but i also like my dad. a lot. my dad might beat this, and he might not. dammit. did you read that? he might not beat this. that is life and death, and frankly it is bigger than any other things going on in this world. life and death, my dad being around to be my dad, it is tied only in importance, right now, with my mom being my mom. if you can't get that and if you can't get out of your own head long enough to get that i'm probably going to be a bit crabby these days because i'm dealing with the stress of not being able to see my dad as much as i can, dealing with the stress of not being able hug my dad just for my own selfish reassurance that he's here and he's currently healthy then i don't want you around.
yes, i need support. i need support about my stressful job, trying to get into grad school, and the fact that my dad, one of my closest friends in the world, is battling cancer.
that button, cancer sucks, isn't strong enough. no its not.
posted by brooke at August 8, 2005 04:28 PM
