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Thursday, 18 August 05 ::
tired
this week really has just been about work. and more work. and even more work. i'm exhausted.
this not having a partner thing is really getting to me. while everyone else is off having fun with their special someone, i am left watching them as they walk away. its terribly lonely. and my work, its only somewhat fulfilling. and my friends...... they are the ones i watch walk away in the loving arms of their special someone.
i've been gathering signatures at the county fair this week. its hard, not only because i don't like gathering signatures, but because i get to walk around watching people having fun with their families. i get to watch women my age, and often times younger, with their little ones in tow, playing lovingly. i get to watch whole families walk by me as if i don't exist. i am just a fly in their world, getting in their way to have fun..
and thats exactly what i am. i am the fly on the wall that watches everyone else have this life that i'm so desperate for.
i've been angry a lot this week. really, its been one of my worst weeks in a long time. i'm not studying much for the gre, i'm not doing anything to further my career.
i'm doing a lot of longing for the thing i'm so desperate for. i'm tired of waiting for it. i'm tired of my life not being ready for it, financially. i'm tired of waiting. and now i've got to wait another 4-5 years. how can i wait that long? if every moment is as hard as these moments, i'm not going to last. i can't. i simply can't sit back and watch while others have what i want so bad. it just hurts too much.
posted by brooke at August 18, 2005 01:53 PM
Hang in there, Brooke. I once felt as you do. It is difficult to be single when everyone else seems to be happy and attached. One starts to wonder if they'll ever have that joy again in their own life. Keep your head up. Don't feel like a fly on the wall. You do matter. Good luck to you as you meet your future.
posted by: Tom at August 29, 2005 01:52 PM
