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Tuesday, 15 March 05 ::
i wonder if i can do it.
there's a lot to do. time for me to step up. people counting on me. i need to find my heart, besides just the pittance offered to my pocket. if i can meet some of those who it will help. if i hear their stories. if i can see the work. maybe i'll go over tothe site to visit. if i can see their eyes and hear the translation. there are so many of them who need us.
it is an enormous task i'm willing to take on. it is a big scary terrifying task. i wonder i wonder i wonder. i can feel the pressure on my shoulders. the day to day tasks. i wonder. oh how i wonder. and i hold my breath.
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i went over and saw a friend today. i nearly skipped into her house when i saw that she was there. i floated past her housemate, smiled at her daughter, and approached her. i put my hand on her shoulder and simply said 'hi'.. earlier on the phone she'd said she missed me. i knew i'd be greeted with that greeting i love so much when i put my hand on her shoulder. there are days when i live for that greeting. there are weeks that go by that i'm too busy, or she's too busy, and i don't notice.. until she tells me she misses me.
one day i'll tell her how much she means to me. how much her friendship has helped me heal from a lifetime of damage. how she taught me that i was worth having a dear friend. one day i'll tell her that she is one of my dearest friends, and that when i leave half my tears will be about leaving her and her family, the other half will be for the rest.
tonight i talked about grad school. she got quiet. i wasn't sure why, and i'm still not.. but i filled the silence with the sentences 'i'm going to come back.' and 'you know you'll be in my life forever, you are one of my dearest friends.'
but i don't want to think about that now. it causes to many tears. i don't have time for tears.
posted by brooke at March 15, 2005 10:37 PM
