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Saturday, 12 March 05 ::
yes, its a long list
i put up a whole long list about the steps i need to take in order to get to a phd program. its a long list, including one step that encapsules the ending of it all, and the whole purpose.. besides the whole becoming a scholar and all that sappy academia stuf.
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i got to see my friend p the other night. g left his backpack at the wand meeting and i dropped it off at their house. i hadn't seen p in nearly 2 weeks.. i thought she was miffed with me because of my ungrateful attitude at breitenbush. she wasn't, and in fact she said she's missed me. to this chicka who hardly had a friend for years to have frienships like p's just means a great deal to me. other friends have sometimes commented on the connection p and i have.. i've never thought too much about it, but i guess its true.
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i wish i had something prophetic to say, but i really don't. these days my life is about keeping my head above water. i'm working on managing an illness that once threatened to take my life. i'm working to reestablish myself as a productive member of society, though i'm not ready to let my safety net go, i'll be ready in 18 months, when i go off to grad school. a long time away, yes, i know, but with the uncertainty of the illness which i manage on my own, it really isn't. the adrenaline of knowing that there is a future for me in a phd program somewhere will wear off eventually, and the truity of grad school will become reality. i need to know i can manage through that. i need to know i can manage as i uproot my life, tearing myself away from friends like p, i need to know that i can maintain what i have here in eugene right now. i have a beautiful thing here, i want to leave it being even more beautiful.
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its time to get ready for the day. it was nice to be able to sit in bed till now. but in 40 minutes i must be on my bike to head to the training. tonight i must work in the grant application. maybe tommorrow morning a hike up the butte? maybe. sunday is not the best day to enjoy solitude on the butte.
posted by brooke at March 12, 2005 10:58 AM
