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Saturday, 26 February 05
tired.
loooong day today. luckily i have forgiving friends. *sigh* 3 hour meeting, run home, 4 hour meeting. *home*
tommorrow breitenbush. gonna take care of t while friends p and g are in a 6 hour long meeting. never been there, gonna go there and play with t, and then monday, soak, hike, play with me.
monday meeting at 6.30 if we are home in time. meeting at 8. tuesday, meeting at 9.30 to help with u of o presentation, then work 4 hours. whats happening tuesday night? oh goddess, i hope its nothing. i dunno about wednesday yet. nothing in the calendar. beginning of the month is good, no meetings, just work, projects. *love that*
Posted by brooke at 10:13 PM
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Thursday, 24 February 05
sudan
i wrote this letter to my congressman, peter defazio, in reaction to this article about the sudan (username: riverblog, pw riverblog).
Hi Congressman DeFazio,
I'm writing because not only are you my congressman, but because you are a good man.
I read about the Sudan on a semi-regular basis. Each time I read something I become disappointed in myself that I've not done something, and I become disappointed in our country. Here we have been donating millions upon millions of dollars for the victims of the tsunami, but we have barely noticed the Sudan. What is going on there is what went on in Germany, Poland, all of Europe, during World War II. Vice President Cheney was just at Auschwitz saying "not again." But it is happening now, it has happened again. Different time, different circumstances, same thing.
Why is it that our country, that you and your collegues in congress, has / have not done anything? Why is it that President Bush is not asking Former Presidents Clinton and Bush to head up a task force to see what we as Americans can do to stop this? Why are we turning a blind eye?
There are so many problems in our own country, and we should solve those things close to home before we go elsewhere, but as you and I know, our country doesn't do that. The war in Iraq is one clear example. What was happening in Iraq before we went there does not hold a candle, in my opinion, to what is happening in the Sudan. If we went to Iraq to save them from a dictator and give them freedom (one of the many many reasons I've heard we went there), why can we not go to the Sudan to give them life?
I want to know if there is anything you can do. I want to know if there is anything that you and your collegues would be willing to do. I understand that President Bush won't take this on, I understand that saving dying Africans is not at the top of his list, but it should be.
Thank you.
Posted by brooke at 09:37 AM
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Wednesday, 23 February 05
still no word and, my birthday.
i'm still anxiously awaiting the word on the job. the negative side of me is thinking that the rest of the board DIDN'T want me and my friend, who is president of the board, has been dreading calling me. the more positive side of me is thinking that my friend hasn't been able to get in touch with the rest of the board and is busy dealing with family stuff and other things that she's not had a chance to call and tell me everything's still okay.
its my 32nd birthday today. yeah, the day after my grandmother died 2 years ago. my mother sent me a poigniant note this morning. "Today is your birthday. You are forever bonded with Baba on this day so she will always be remembered along with you." i could not have said it better.
what am i going to do today? i'm going to go over to the UU and pay the $8.00 for the shared ministries. i'm going to anxiously await hearing from my friend. i'm going to help write names for the stand for peace memorial procession on the 19th. i'm going to end it at sweet life with friends and fellow activists surrounding me. no presents, just their presence. i'm going to climb in bed with my 4 cats around me keeping me warm.
my birthday wants.
~ world peace.
~ national health care for all.
~ justice for all.
~ that in 3 years i will be in a job that is a career.
~ a boyfriend for me.
~ a love for all people.
~ that in 5 years my body will have endured pregnancy and that i will have started to experience the joys, and sorrows, of motherhood.
~ a maid to clean my small apartment.
~ a subscription to sun magazine
~ a foot warmer
~ the ipod auto kit
Posted by brooke at 11:39 AM
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Tuesday, 22 February 05
baba.
i'm anxiously awaiting news of the job i might have. i was supposed to hear this evening, but nothing has come across either the telephone wires, or the wireless internet in this house. since i've told so many people about the job, i probably didn't get it.. i jinxed it. i'm sure. thats why my friend hasn't called.
on another topic, 2 years ago today my grandmother died. my father's mother, also known has baba, also known has mary draper robertshaw.
2003. we were nearing the end of our protests. 8 days after the febraury 15 protests. the day before my birthday. less than a month later i heard myself commenting to my brother, born 19 march, 'i got baba's death, you got the start of the war.'
when life hits the fan, i got the thing that will go down in my history as being an event that will be remembered. if it weren't for the work of my fellow activists i would never remember that it was on my brother's 32nd birthday that we went to war, but i will forever remember that it was the day before my 30th birthday that my grandmother died.
she was a good woman. yeah, i know, all grandmothers are good women. but she was my good woman. she was short, big boobs. if she'd had blonde hair and blue eyes i would be her carbon copy. she loved me. everytime we were together she and i would go back to back to see if i'd caught up with her. all the other full grown grandchildren had surpassed her years ago, i never did.
she was the matriarch of a medium sized family. we were, my father and 3 of us, my aunt and 3 of her, my uncle and 4 of him, and the two of them. there were 15 of us, and then 3 steps and one, one td. we weren't large, but we were larger than mom's side. 6 of us, for 2 years, then 5, then 6, 5, 7 and now 6.
she was a good matriarch. she'd make bacon for the kids and scrapple for the adults in the mornings at wild rose shores. she always had little bottles of juice and soda. and breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream. we had building blocks and a swing set. when i got old enough i got to sleep in my aunts old room, instead of with brother in the bottom bunk of the bunkbed.
they were happy together, the matriarch and the patriarch. they'd pick at each other, but we knew that they truly liked one another. when he died her concern was for her adult children.. 'your daddy is gone.' she said to her youngest who was sleeping in the bed next to her. she sat next to her oldest granddaughter during his funeral and shed barely a tear. she was tough, but we knew she loved him.
my mother, divorced from her son in the mid 70's.. when she became a grandmother less than a year ago said 'i will be called dede by my grandchild. i will be called dede after your grandmother baba.' thats the kind of person she was. the daughter she got by marriage was her daughter for life, no matter the marital bonds. and my mother knows it.
2 years ago she died. her number is still on my (now defunct) cell phone. i could never bring myself to erase her number. that would mean erasing her. i couldn't do that. she might be gone, but she isn't erased. no, she isn't erased. i will make sure the next generation knows her. she would have loved them like she loved us. with all her heart and mind, with all that she was. and i loved her, with all my heart and mind, with all that i am, and always will.
Posted by brooke at 09:28 PM
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Saturday, 19 February 05
the last 2 days have been good. the last 2 days have been really good. in fact, when i woke up this morning i thought 'did that really happen??'
i know, i shouldn't be star struck in this world of mine, but yet, i still am. i know i should get over it, but this life that i lead, while it is depressing in many ways, in many other ways, it is not.
how do i say what i'm trying to say? there are lots of people like me here in eugene. lots of people who are poor but highly educated. we are the non-disinfranchised poor. we are the ones who know what it is like to stress about how to pay the power bill but know that we have a voice in how to fix that. its not that common to have a whole community of people like me. yeah yeah, i don't care what anyone says, that our community is a dime a dozen, but, when we talk amongst ourselves, we know it is not.
i was talking to my friend p the other day about eugene. i told her i was thinking about looking for jobs outside of eugene. she said to me that its hard for her to find other places that she fits in like she does in eugene, she said to me that i'm like her.
i was talking to another friend recently about this community. i lamented about not being able to find a job or a boyfriend here. i told her nothing was happening for me here. and then we started talking about pete and kitty, andrea and pete. where else would i look forward to seeing our mayor, not cause she's our mayor, but because she gives such good hugs? and having a meeting with my city councilor, not cause she's my city councilor but because i want to catch up with my friend. and running into a county commissioner, not cause i want to lobby him on some issue but because i want to process with him the don hampton loss?
eugene isn't a small town. in fact, its the second largest city in oregon, but it feels that way. often my friends and i comment on that, on how small this place feels so much of the time. we gossip about people, we talk about the latest buzz, we take joy in each other's joys, we work with people who are dealing with sorrows and we support them. it simply blows my mind at times.
my mother has pointed out to me that if i go some place else that it will take a long time to build this thing that i've got here. a lot of times these days i'm willing to let that go, if i can have the other things i seek so much. the last 2 weeks or so i've been searching beyond these borders to such a degree i've lamented to my friends that i was having a hard time committing to things in the future, because would i be here or not? but then the last 2 days happen and it makes me question my decision to look elsewhere for my life. if i have this community, can't i let the other things go? will i feel fulfilled without it? if i get one or 2 of the other things and leave this behind, will i be happy?
last night i ran into pete sorenson at the store, we got to talking about his campaign for governor and we ended up going out for dinner together. we talked about don's campaign, andrea's, and his. i got to tell him my concerns about living in oregon, about my life in context for the work he's doing to take back our state. he listened to me, answered my questions, asked my opinion on things. its not an opportunity that many people have, to sit down for 3.5 hours with a gubentorial candidate and county commissioner. especially someone in the financial situation that i'm in. but in eugene its not that unique. i need to remember this when i look beyond.
Posted by brooke at 12:14 PM
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Friday, 18 February 05
i might very well have a job!
to be in the right place at the right time, oh my goodness! i might have a job. part time, with an organization that does great work, that will allow me to grow my skills. its gotta go through the whole board, but the president of the board is the one who brought me to the job. *cross fingers* hopefully i'll know soon. i hope so, cause i want to get working!
yeah, thats what i've learned about myself over the last 2 weeks. i want a job, i don't want to ever depend on someone to support me. i want to know i'm worthy in the world.
Posted by brooke at 02:39 PM
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Tuesday, 15 February 05
the future
i realized today that i'm starting to spin the same kind of story about cancer that i've read about in other places. starting with the infamous kaycee nicole incident, and then, more touchingly sandee's day in and day out struggles, and more like mine, emilin's story, i've read and gotten myself excited to hear good results, and felt my heart drop with bad results. i never thought i'd be the one to spin such a story. i never thought i'd be the one anxious to hear about doctors appointments.
i want the story to be spun. i want to know what the future has brought us. i want to know that, in the end, it all turns out well. i don't want to be the spinner of our own story these days.
at this point i don't know where my life will be in a year. i hope that my life is better than it is now. i don't know if i want it to be in eugene. i know i don't want it to be alone anymore. but no matter what i do.. if i make the decision to put my hopes and wants out into the universe or to keep them close to my heart, i cannot choose to believe that i can predict the future.
Posted by brooke at 09:32 PM
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sloan-kettering
dad went to sloan-kettering yesterday. i think yesterday. i'm not exactly sure which day his appointment is / was for. i just know they went up on saturday and i've not heard from him since. i just dashed him an email. i can only hope that s-k gives him something to go on beyond what he's been given so far. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 01:17 PM
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Saturday, 12 February 05
yes, i'm sick.
for the ever so few of you playing along.. i'm still sick. i'm exhausted. i've got a dvd to watch, juice pops and throat drops to suck on, and sudafed to take. only wish i had washed my nice sheets the other day. *sigh* oh well. thats life.
there's a great article on war tax resistance in the eugene register guard today. go read it. the people who do it are very courageous, i'm proud to call some of the members of the local group in town my friends :)
okay, off to take off my rain coat and get comfy in bed.
Posted by brooke at 02:24 PM
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Friday, 11 February 05
yes, i really am sick.
if it weren't so freakin' cold in here i'd be burning up, i dare say. sinus headache, snot coming out of my nose non stop, coughing, tired, achy. i don't know how bad it'll get.. but based on friend s, its going to get bad. i should go to winco tommorrow and get more apples, cause that juice that i've been making rocks. i should also go and get some cold stuff, cause it'll put me to sleep nicey nicey, and some cough drops, cause they'll feel good on my throat. i've got 3 things going on on sunday, *sigh*.. i'll see about bowing out of one of them..
in other news, lily ended up 15 feet in a tree today.
i called and called.. and she cried and cried.
finally nice neighbor got a ladder
and went into the tree
and lowered her down in a bag.
yeah! neighbor!
oh, and lily, she's fine. she's sitting here curled up with ava as i write this.
Posted by brooke at 11:10 PM
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sick
yes, i'm sick. another reason to love this laptop... i'm in bed, lying down with my head on a very comfy pillow.
okay, i was doing that.. i just juiced up some apple pear juice. yummy!
Posted by brooke at 10:00 AM
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Thursday, 10 February 05
cancer
i had this great entry started on cancer and my father.. i poured out my heart in ways that i hadn't here in a long long time. i was honest and to the point about being the daughter of a cancer patient. but then i closed the window and lost it all.
i've been thinking a lot about cancer this last day and a half. i know that it sucks, big time. i know that my father having cancer sucks bigger than big time. i know that however it is i'm feeling, i can't even begin to imagine how dad is feeling.
i went to a presentation tonight on depleted uranium. goddess, it was overwhelming and depressing.. the presenter didn't mean it to be, but it was. how can we do anything about something that is so institutionalized? how can we fight on ONE more issue? how can we try to save the world, save innocent people a half a world away, when we can't save ourselves?
each and every person who dies is my father. okay, that didn't sound right. but each time you see a daughter on tv crying out in pain because her father just died, imagine it your own. each and every father that we kill over there, well, those daughters are going through what i might have to go through. the pain you see on their faces is the same pain you see on the face of all the american daughters who have just lost their fathers. yes, their pain is our pain. thats what i thought about tonight as i heard these stories of what depleted uranium does, what our bombs do. i thought about my father, and the cancer that has striken him.
i need to contact breast cancer action. awhile ago i had a friend who worked with them and i got a bunch of those cool 'cancer sucks' buttons. i gave them to friends who were dealing with it. i never thought i'd need one for me.
Posted by brooke at 10:50 PM
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Wednesday, 9 February 05
that was easy.
made juice with the champion juicer. took about 20 minutes total. goddess, that was a hell of a lot easier than my other juicer that my friend r gave me. that thing took 20 minutes to clean out! if i can get my act in gear, i'll be making my own peanut butter too.
Posted by brooke at 06:18 PM
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on dad.
hi dad :)
my dad has metastatic prostate cancer. sucks, don't it? he's travelling all over the country seeking out solutions for this bastard. (okay, bastard isn't a bad enough word, and fucker is too fun. i dunno.. mother fucker. yeah, cause mother fuckers are simply unacceptable in this world, unless its the father of the child or friend of the mother.. but all in all, a mother fucker is a bad person.. so, i'll go with that.) he's going to our friend in tucson for accupuncture, and another friend nearby him for accupunture, and duke and sloan-kettering, and the university of virginia. *sigh* i wish he had a reason to go to oregon health sciences university.. if that happened i'd find him a place to stay, and go up, take the days off my job and man hunt, and stay with him.
i love my dad. yeah yeah, we all do.. okay, most of us do.. but not only do i love my dad, but i really like him. i mean, *really* like him.. dad's a close friend. we've worked through our shit, and we came out on the other side of it. its great. except that i live on this side and he lives on the other side. anyhow, thats what i keep telling dad.. if only i didn't like him, this would be a hell of a lot easier.
my aunt emailed me this morning and ripped me out of denial about this prostate cancer... i hadn't talked to dad in nearly a month.. i panicked, and luckily he called me back. i could be kinda pissy at my aunt for pulling me out of denial, but dad - in this new found wisdom of his - said it might be a good thing. it forced me to call him, get the whole story, instead of bits and pieces from mom and aunt.
i think a lot about having a kid. ooohh. i want one so bad. i want my own family so bad. as my friend s puts it, i'm looking for the father of my yet to be conceived or adopted child. yes, and i'm also looking for a best friend for me. but yeah, kid, esp. at my age, is in the real fore front of my mind. since i was 15 or 16 or so, i've always known that if i had a son he'd be named harry. and not because its some fad name, but because i love my dad soo much that how could i not name my kid after him? really. how can i not name my kid after my father. luckily, harry is a great name. and since my brief trip to ireland, i've decided a great middle name is seamus. harry seamus. a good english/irish name. another great name? harriet. harriet the spy. i loved harriet the spy when i was growing up.. she was a ballsy chick. anyhow.. another thing i was thinking about. i hope dad is around long enough for me to have a kid, and for him to meet his namesake. i worry that he won't. it would make me so happy to see my dad with a shit eating grin on his face holding his namesake in his arms. anyhow.
i should be off on my day. thanks to my aunt i'm not that hungry this morning. all for the best, i'm sure. but maybe, before i head over to calc, i'll head up to winco to get shortening for the champion juicer.
hey dad, you should come visit. i'll make you fresh juice. and you can sleep in my ever so comfortable, yet foofy, bed. you can have it all to yourself. with the golden buddha looking over you to keep you safe at night. oh, and i've got something only an engineer can fix.. i'll let you fix it, as thats what dads are want to do when they visit their dear single daughters, without protest :)
i'm rambling.
Posted by brooke at 10:37 AM
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Tuesday, 8 February 05
this and that..
i have a champion juicer. one that some friends gave me to thank me for helping them with computer stuff (they hadn't been using it). its been a long while since they've given it to me, and because it was so big i'd put it under the sink and forgotten about it. the other day i rediscovered it and tonight i decided to finally use it.... when i discovered i had no shortening for it. tommorrow i must pick up some shortening for it (lubricates the parts) and start using it. i know its one of the best juicers around, and i love fresh juice.. it would be a shame if i didn't use it.
in cat news, lily has been sleeping under the bed lately. its very weird. weird because she's under the bed and she's never done that before, and weird because she snores.. she snores so loudly i can hear her on top of the bed. ****sssssnnnnnooooooorrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh**** i never have to wonder where she is when she's under the bed.. (right now she's sitting next to the laptop purring loudly away).
also i put links to all 4 cats catster pages over there --> if anyone is interested. there's lily, max, ava, and smudge. yes, 4 of them. i know, overwhelming, but goddess they are cute.
Posted by brooke at 09:37 PM
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not so productive day.
no, i've not had a super productive day today. the one good thing i did was change the colours on the calc website. i'm still not crazy about the site, and its got SOOO much more development to go.. but its better than the colours before. *sigh*
i spent time at match.com. yes, that online dating service. to be blunt, i'm rather sick of being single. i want someone to curl up with, to make dinner for / with, to go on walks with, go see movies and browse bookstores with. it would just be so nice. *sigh*
Posted by brooke at 08:26 PM
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Sunday, 6 February 05
i just got home from processing with friend a. i feel a lot better about myself. goddess, i love that.
Posted by brooke at 12:15 AM
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Saturday, 5 February 05
well, i'll be.
i feel better today. i went to a democratic party of oregon meeting, rode up with one of my most favourite members of the dems of lane county and talked a lot with him.
i'm trying to find where in my heart my life will take me. where i want to devote my activism work, what i want to do with my life. i'm leaning more and more away from the traditional peace activism taking place in eugene. i just don't see how that creates change. i just don't see where any of that is getting anywhere. but at this meeting i was heartened. i was glad to hear my values being represented in a mainstream organization. i was glad to hear my values being represented amongst people who could make a change in our elected officials. i was glad to hear that there are people who think like me, for the most part, and who understand we cannot do what we've been doing. i signed up to work on a project about fighting hunger, because *that* seems to kick in the place i go all the time -- we gotta focus on the hungry and the homeless and those without health care coverage here. i think i'm going to drop out of a lot of the work my heart just isn't in around here.
Posted by brooke at 04:40 PM
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Friday, 4 February 05
its been a pissy week.
yes, its been a pissy pissy week. *sigh* and the thing that is digging at me the most, i've not dealt with.
but i had a great conversation with a last night, and the other day she and i and another friend of ours came up with a great action we'd like to do in the summer. *and* i've decided to persue a new career, one that i've already got the education for. i hope something happens, and that someone believes in me to give me a chance. we'll see. monday i call old professors in hopes that they'll let me put them down as referances. i'm also studying, brushing up.. and excited about it. i can feel the old passion and excitement there as i'm reading the content.. so, *cross my fingers*
*and* part of a filling came out on saturday night. thought i'd have to get a crown on the tooth.. but nope! a filling. less than $100 to fix the tooth.. yeah!
*and* i'm getting a nice refund back from the irs this year. i'll use it to help pay off this laptop. and yes, even in this time of terribly tight finances i realize this laptop is so worth it. i'm not stuck in one place, and it just runs sooo nicely.
*and* i happened to be at a meeting the other day with the chair of the democratic party of oregon. i got to talk to him about some of my frustrations with the current state of the democrats, and he was so kind about it. *and* it looks promising that howard dean will be the new chair of the democratic national committee.
so, i'm super pissy and shit, but good things *did* happen. i should be greatful, because, yes, life could be a hell of a lot worse.
if only my knight in shining armour would come along, and things would be even better :)
Posted by brooke at 01:46 PM
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Wednesday, 2 February 05
WHERE ARE THE DEMOCRATS???
i was listening to that asshole of a president we have.. i knew it would be hard, but i knew i needed too..
but then i turned it off when he starts spewing that constitutional amendment to protect families crap, AND NO DEMOCRAT BOOS (i'd heard some earlier, btw). GOD DAMN WUSSIE DEMOCRATS. thanks for protecting us.
and people wonder why i've lost all hope? because the members of congress that are supposed to be on our side are big wusses. they won't stand up to this. they don't stand up to this. its the democrats in congress that have stripped me of all my hope. they are our front line, and what do they do? they bow down and play dead.
god dammit. this is not a country of heros. this is a country of.. oh fuck.. i can't find the correct word, as i'm in a hurry.. off to a meeting of lane county democrats.
Posted by brooke at 06:32 PM
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why??
maybe i'm just pissy and bitter, but why doesn't anyone call with "hey brooke, lets go do something fun!" instead of "hey brooke, can you do this, can you do that (for free)?"
Posted by brooke at 09:49 AM
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lets be realistic y'all.
so, alberto gonzales is an evil dude.. we all know that. and yeah, we all know that we should register our opinions with our members of congress and georgie boy. but really. do we think we'll stop it?
maybe i'm just bitter (okay, i am), but what i think i am is realistic. our letters, our gatherings at the federal building, our protests.. none of it has changed anything, stopped a nomination, stopped a freakin' war.
Posted by brooke at 09:33 AM
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Tuesday, 1 February 05
oh yeah.
my friend a reminded me today that most people don't hug the mayor of their city, or their city councilor, when they see them.
*oh yeah* thats why i live here.
that reminds me. i need to call that city councilor, and that mayor (and the other city councilors) and make an appointment all of them.
Posted by brooke at 11:02 PM
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