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Wednesday, 23 March 05 :: struggling

i'm really struggling these days with my lack of motherhood, and any sight of it in my future.

my purpose to get my phd is many fold, one of those folds is so that i can better afford to become a mother, through adoption or naturally, and be able to live a comfortable lifestyle, not worrying about money.. cause money stress is the worst.

but i wonder, can my heart wait till then? each day that passes i struggle more and more with my mama heart. i try to keep it in its place, but i worry, how hard will it be to become an older mother? *sigh* its time, its time to become a mother, but financially thats not an option. and, when i am able to look beyond my mama heart, i really do want my ph.d.

*sigh*

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i'm exhausted for the 3rd day in a row. hopefully i'm not coming down with something. i'm also battling a headache.

but tommorrow i'll go to the y early in the morning with a friend, a friend who has lost an enormous amount of weight.. i would like to loose about 25 lbs, i think thats what she has left to loose.. maybe we can loose it together.

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i really need to set a date for the gre. i need to do something to get my mind of my mama heart. a phd is a good way to do that. i'm moving forward. its good.

i also need to email my profs back. that'll help a lot too.

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i remind myself that yes, when i'm 37, i'll get a job, and start whatever process i'll start to become a mama. i can do it, i really can. 37 won't be too late. and with a good job, it'll be even better. and my dear friend p can give me tips on adopting from india if i decide to go that route. and her daughter (whom i just adore more and more each day) will be old enough by then to really give great advice about being adopted from india and growing up in this country.

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in good news, my doc, yesterday, assured me that my aunt's endometrial cancer isn't as bad as i reacted to it to be. its far different than my father's cancer. this is good. cause if something bad happens and dad's treatment doesn't work having my aunt around will be a good thing. she and i live far apart (me in the pacific northwest, her in the middle of florida), but i do love her muchly and she's such an important connection to their side of my life.

posted by brooke at March 23, 2005 12:12 PM

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about
i'm brooke, born in '73. i am currently a phd student in instructional technology. this is the blog where i capture all the neurotic, and the few non-neurotic, moments that seem to come with being a phd student (if you want to read less neuroses and more professionalism go to: oer's, dl's, reuse and culture: it's about a phd student researching digital resources in a multicultural world). i have been from eugene, oregon for a long time.. 8 years specifically (its my home now, but i grew up in southwestern virginia), but now i'm here in logan, utah at utah state university. after finding my roots in eugene i never could have expected that i would leave that liberal oasis and head to utah. but i did and there are days when its a blessing and days when i'm tempted to go back to oregon and beg the folks at lost valley educational center to let me move in. but i won't leave because there are days when this process is better than any kind of high i could ever imagine. what else? i collect things, i have 2 cats, 2 kayaks, 2 laptops (i'm a geek - one mac, one pc). i can be emailed at brookesblog@rivervision.com.