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Friday, 31 December 04
ment to have been posted last night.....
i'm talking to a friend today about an event that is being organized to help out the tsunami victims here in eugene. its a time when folks can organize around something non political, and apparently the people spearheading the organizing are from the religious community here. in talking to my friend i ask about the christians, the non-left christians. he says they can do something, this is for us. i say back, well, i'll offer to be the go between between the 2 groups of people... he turns down my offer.
see, i connected non-political with the community really coming together. i didn't think about it much, i just went there. logic insued.. and if this is really about all of us coming together, then there is no us and them.
thats where i'm wrong. apparently. in his left mind there is an us and them. there is supposed to be a separation between us and them, the left and right......
....................... but isn't the whole purpose of the left to bring us together, to get rid of the us and them, to create world peace? aren't we on the left supposed to be models of community, of not us and them but instead doing the thing that is right?
i'm not sure about this.
i went to a meeting tonight. i was happy to be there, at first.. but then the topic.. and the discussion of keeping al-anon pure and keeping words like God and Him in our readings there, because without those words we wouldn't be who we are. well, of course i reacted to that, and explained why, and told them i loved them and needed them, but this.. well, it wasn't me.. and all that.... and afterwards the person who brought it up did not mean it the way i took it...
................. but then someone came up to me and told me all about her frustration at the beginning with people who didn't view god the way she did and how much she grew in al-anon because now she does and how i'll grow... and essientally told me i just needed to spend more time and i would become like her.
well.. not hearing me and dismissing me because i believe in all inclusion is a very right (political) thing to do.. i nearly asked her if she voted for bush, because, from what i've discovered in al-anon, only bush voters in al-anon act like that towards me.
... so here i am, stuck in the middle. from the left i get us and them and from the right i get dismissal. and now i'm stuck.. because, you see, i understand where both the left and the right come from. i get it that my left friend doesn't want to work with them because they all act like the woman from the right.. and i understand that the woman from the right believes fully in what has come before and that it has helped so many. i get it.
i don't feel comfortable with my friend's attitude, i don't feel comfortable with a close minded left. the left is what i believe, but when we shut our minds so easily, and we don't question when we do, i don't like that, at all. i love the left.. and i want to accept the right....
... but the right, the right is so right in their minds. there's no room for question, there's no room for someone like me.
where do i go? i know where i belong, but if i have to fight close minds on that side, i don't want it.
*sigh*
i'm rambling. high on chocolate. this was supposed to be so much more prolific. sorry.
Posted by brooke at 10:31 AM
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Wednesday, 29 December 04
tsunami relief list.
its easy to donate.. i'm collecting a list for my few readers to choose from..
PLEASE post other places to donate to here! i will include any links, from whomever, as long as the money is going directly to the victims of this awful disaster. the christian right to the unitarian left, i don't care. thanks.
Posted by brooke at 10:28 PM
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tsunami relief.
i noticed that amazon is collecting donations for tsunami relief. i don't know if amazon is the best place to donate.. you can also donate to the red cross / red crescent. there is also a donation site at unicef. as far as locally, i don't know. contact the church of your choice, see what they recommend. i think there might be something being organized here in eugene, if i hear anything about it, i'll post it here.
i just want to say that, at count, over 88,000 people are dead or missing in this thing. we as americans should be asking more than just the internet what we can do; we should be begging for information from our media outlets, we should be talking to our neighbours, we should be asking ourselves what it is that we can do to help the helpless. if this had been over 88,000 american lives the world would be coming to our aid, it would be making serious headlines, no one would be paying attention to what happened to a celebrity, they would be paying attention to the everyperson.
the lives of the people in the countries devastated by this natural disaster are no less than our own lives, just because they have less money than we do, just because they don't have the bombing power that we do, just because they are half a world away from us does not diminish their importance in our world, in our lives. i hope that the american people will turn out like they did for the 2,000 people & families that were killed and affected by the world trade center. just because one was an act of human violence and the other an unstoppable act of mother nature does not make one tragedy more important than another. just because one occured on american soil and the other did not does not make its importance for americans any less.
we americans, in this moment, have the chance to show again to the world that we *do* care, that we aren't just interested in oil and profits, that the lives of innocent people a half a world away are as important as our own.
please do the right thing, go find out what you can do, donate as much as you can spare, even if its only a quarter, a dollar, 5 dollars, or if you have it, give more. do what you can. show the world that we are better than the bombs over iraq and afghanistan, show the world that we can use our wealth for good and not bad.
Posted by brooke at 01:11 PM
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Tuesday, 28 December 04
susan sontag
goddess bless & rest in peace.
susan sontag 1933 - 2004
Posted by brooke at 11:37 AM
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evil yarn
i have now attempted to start 2 different projects for 2 different, yet both very lovely, men. and both times i have tried to start these projects the yarn, same yarn - thought was it was my fault in not being able to sucessfully start the first project, has been uncooperative. terribly uncooperative.
i have decided to put the yarn away, for a long long time. i will put it away to teach it its lesson, kinda like a timeout. i will bring it out later, after it has been smudged to send away the evil spirits that seem to be holding it hostage.
in other news, i am WAY addicted to popsicles. yummy little treats, with hardly the calorie. i believe i can eat as many as i want. yes, i can use them to satisfy both my oral fixation and my need to eat for comfort. gotta love that.
and lastly, in 1 week I WILL BE ENMESHED IN THE AIRPORT SYSTEM, heading home TO SEE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. oh goddess, i can't wait to get that baby IN MY HANDS.
and did i mention i did the semi completely non-political thing and went to winco for food. (fully completely would be wal-mart) goddess that place is CHEAP. and. and they have nearly every kind of munchy in bulk. *squeal with joy*
oh and really lastly. i went to goodwill yesterday to get baskets, 2 or 3 baskets. i ended up with the baskets, AND a purse (yes a purse) for me (it has many pockets, its kinda large *and* it has a wallet), a purse for my friend c, a pair of lovely light green jeans, and a totally rockin' baby doll dress. i shouldn't complain, all that for $12.00. goodwill = bad place for brooke. i spend too much money there. *okay.. i do get lots of good stuff :P*
Posted by brooke at 11:13 AM
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Monday, 27 December 04
its late, i'm tired
i'm up later than i wanted to doing research for a monthly column i'm helping with. my duty is human rights stuff and the queer community. i'm to dig up that needle in a haystack kind of news. the kind of news i've not been reading about lately because its all so depressing and hopeless and all that....
kinda like my sex life. and my dating life.
hahahahahahaha
in good news, from the corvallis gazette: portland may pull out of fbi terrorism task force. kaelin would be so happy at this news. this was one of his passions, getting people to understand what the jttf is and what portland had to do with it. now its coming true. i hope it comes to fruition!
in other news, i've been watching the coverage of the tsunami's and earthquakes.. i called friends of mine who have ties to india, i'm hoping to be able to donate something or some $$ to it.. these are poor countries, so much more poor than we are.. and to come days after our glutton fest, well.. i should be ashamed at how much i enjoy buying, i should think carefully.. i should do a lot of stuff, but if there's something i can send there, i will. there is a fairly significant indian population here, there is probably something happening as far as sending things there.
Posted by brooke at 11:10 PM
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i now get it.. again.
why people drink coffee. it improves the mood, that caffiene. it certianly is helping to stave off a full on crash. love it. and to deal with the anxiety that invariably comes with coffee, 1/4 of ativan. ;-D
Posted by brooke at 12:41 PM
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Sunday, 26 December 04
going home!
i am going home! in less than 2 weeks. i GET TO SEE MY NEPHEW!!!! i can't wait, can't wait, can't wait to hold him IN MY ARMS. i can't wait to KISS HIS FACE. i can't wait to TICKLE HIS BELLY. i can't wait!
Posted by brooke at 05:09 PM
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on christmas
so, christmas was successful. i didn't go to the meeting, i slept in instead. got up thinking i would, but the call of my bed was far too great. besides, it was christmas, i decided to treat myself.
got up, poured a mug of silk nog, and sat down and opened my presents. might sound pathetic opening presents all alone, but at least i had them, and i had a loving family to call. thats a lot better than some folks have, some people i know have.
and the presents, some were just plain goofy, but others were full of thought. my ma sent me a talking photo frame. only mine is a single. oneside goes a photo, the other side you record something. its for recording nephew b. she also sent a pair of acorn socks. yes, i know i'm an adult when i get excited over socks.. pathetic, eh? no, practical. acorn socks are, hands down, the very best socks ever. they keep my toes warm, they wick water away, they are great for birkenstocks in town and boots out of town. i buy one pair a year, this year mom has taken care of it. the biggest thing she sent, and by far the best thing she sent-- a photo album that she put together. pictures of my early years. pictures of her and dad at their wedding (ha! photo proof that the two were actually married at some point!!!), their life together pre brother and i, baby pictures of brother and i, growing up pictures of brother and i, baby pictures of cousins, pictures of both sets of grandparents. i'll take it back east when i go to show dad. and if anyone in the eugene area is terribly interested in seeing my life in pictures i'd gladly show you.
after that fun i made french toast. yes, i'm a looser, i've never ever made french toast, though i've eaten a lot of it. (oh! the things i'm doing these days, cleaning, putting up ornaments, cooking breakfast!). i added cinnamon and vanilla to the egg. i think tommorrow, since i've only got 1 egg, i'll make french toast for b'fast and add some silk nog.
talked to brother and dad. brother gave me a gift certificate to the local yarn store (brother rocks!)..
and dad. oh goddess, dad blew me away. i collect water, water from whereever i go. i've got it from little creeks in england, the seine in paris, the new river, the willamette river, the atlantic, the pacific, and other places. dad knows this, cause he's got a bottle from where john wesley powell is said to have started his expedition to chart the colorado river. the gift that is on its way is bottles, nice bottles, for me to put my water in. bottles other than the ugly ones i've got them stored in. i can't believe he remembered, i can't believe how thoughtful he is. *blew me away*
after all the gift stuff, i headed to jeanine's, noshed and talked a bit, then home. i slept in again today, skipping sales i was thinking about going to, skipping fellowship. that's okay, cause i need the cave time.
overall, besides the bawling at the message mom left on the talking photo frame, it was a nice & quiet christmas. i hope my 2 or 3 readers had a nice and peaceful christmas also.
Posted by brooke at 03:28 PM
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Saturday, 25 December 04
happy xmas (war is over)
its now a 5 time tradition on this blog.
Happy Xmas (War is Over)
c John Lennon, Yoko Ono
(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)
So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now
Happy Xmas
Posted by brooke at 12:55 AM
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getting it?
i went to midnight mass tonight at first christian church. i had a need to go, i had a need to go and connect to my past, to my love of christmas, my love of my family, my grandparents who are around but not in our form. i needed to go and start a new tradition for myself, that i would go to midnight mass, because i believe in everything and i believe in the magic that christmas has to offer for me.
first i went to a meeting. it was a good meeting, a small meeting. it was nice that i connected with one woman in particular. i thought a hated me, but she doesn't, in fact the very opposite. goddess, that was nice. it was nice to talk to her, to connect. i needed to know i wasn't the only one going to meetings and carrying out life as normal, and it was nice to hear i'm not a total looser for going to multiple meetings a week. its okay to need it.
and to hear about the higher power. the higher power is defined in so many different ways. and at the meeting tonight i said 'b, my nephew, is one of my higher powers, because by his simple state of being on this earth in the form that he comes, he makes me smile. 3000 miles away and he brings me joy.' and then, in the sermon tonight he said 'god is in little babies.' so, if a reverand says god is in babies, then i MUST be right that the higher power is everywhere, including b.
i'm starting to get the al-anon higher power thing. i'm starting to understand the definition of it, that its not as strict as i thought it was, that yeah-- the higher power is not as strict as i was lead to believe so many years ago.
and i'm also starting to get what this christmas thing means to christians. the whole birth of the savior thing, the whole coming into the world of a sacred being.. NO WONDER christmas is a big deal? the being that will save all these people, its his birthday. i started to get it while listening to the bells. something clicked. it has meaning.
tommorrow is a calm day. i've got presents to open, loved ones to call, i'll head to the 9am meeting - because i might see a friend or 2 and i have this need to do service, to make sure that those rooms are there for people in crisis.. they were / are there for me, i need to be there for them.. and then i'm getting together, at some point, with a friend for tea and pie. nice nice nice.
have a good one y'all..
oh and did i mention?? there are multiple rings around the bright moon tonight! we might get snow! if not here, then up only ~500 ft. i must go to the snow!
Posted by brooke at 12:46 AM
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Friday, 24 December 04
thumb splitting , time
yes, its that time of year, the time of year that one of the corners of one of my thumbs splits. eww gross, yeah, whatever. i'm sure i'm not the only person this happens too. its painful enough for me to be reluctant to use the thumb, thusly my handwriting is awful.. luckily i've got fairly good typing skills, so i can still type fast enough (faster than most of my friends but not as fast as i normally type). i'll be putting as much lotion on it as possible, even some carmex, and whatever other waxy / jelly type stuff i can track down in my apartment. dunno if that heals it faster, but it can't hurt.
Posted by brooke at 06:35 PM
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signs
signs i'm in recovery: i put up christmas decorations for the first time EVER. not a lot of decorations, and all of them courtesy of my ma.. but they are up and this christmas i won't be opening a box and getting the presents out of there. ALSO i finally did massive amounts of laundry, stuff that i never wear, but needed washing. ALSO i finally think i've figured out what to do with the cat box.. put it in the closet.. during a manic cleaning moment that started at 11.15pm.
signs i'm in recovery: this is the first time i've ever put up christmas decorations. i have massive amounts of laundry that need to be done. i had problems trying to figure out a solution to the cat box problem. i have manic cleaning moments at 11.15pm, re: the only cleaning moments.
tommorrow i fast. tmi: my fumes are more noxious than the fumes put off by the oil we're killing innocent iraqi's over.
Posted by brooke at 01:05 AM
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Thursday, 23 December 04
migrane
yes, its offical, i've been having migranes all my life. i just discovered that. and yes, i'm having one now. :P
i think i'll go get some water to drink and a bag of frozen brocilli to put on my head.
Posted by brooke at 07:48 PM
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Wednesday, 22 December 04
cave time *and* fast time
yeah, its time for cave time. and time for me to fast. my body is full of toxins, my body is full of all sorts of crapola. i need to get rid of all the yeasties. i can feel them in my gut. all over my gut. i need to need to need to get rid of yeasties. it'll feel like hell, caue my gut is probably all full of yeast, but.. i'm a sucker for punishment? and i need to kickoff loosing weight. i can't i can't i can't.
anyhow.
i have ridden my bike 3 days in a row. and tommorrow i'm taking 2 girls to the wave pool. so, lots of play will ensue.
today i also did lots of laundry.
anyhow.
tommorrow i must get lemons.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 10:54 PM
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see, your vote DOES count
Democrats: Gregoire Wins by 8 Votes
Posted by brooke at 02:45 PM
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Tuesday, 21 December 04
NOG! SILK!
yeah, so i'm a little late discovering egg nog. whatever.. but i've discovered it, and it is YUMMY.
but caloric.
luckily (or un) there was a sale at albertson's.. silk nog. 1/2 the calories, and probably more than 1/2 the fat. AND JUST AS GOOD.
must.go.get.more.before.it.sells.out.
Posted by brooke at 08:17 PM
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Monday, 20 December 04
10 reasons why to love toby
10 reasons why my current addiction to toby's tofu pate (lite and spicy please!) is NOT a bad thing..
stolen from toby's tofu palace website
1. Soy foods contain antioxidants: Antioxidants are compounds that protect cells from unstable oxygen molecules called free radicals. It is widely accepted that free radicals can cause premature aging and initiate many forms of cancer.
2. Eating soy foods can reduce breast cancer: A study in Singapore revealed that women who eat soy foods have a lower risk of developing breast cancer. Test tube studies have also shown that some compounds in soy can inhibit the growth of breast cancer cells.
3. Soy foods can reduce Cholesterol: Soy may lower blood cholesterol and blood pressure. Women who consumed 2 tablespoons of soy protein daily showed reductions in their "bad" LDL cholesterol by 11% as well as a six point reduction in their diastolic pressure. These benefits occurred within 6 weeks.
4. Eating soy foods can reduce colon cancer: A U.S. study showed that Americans who incorporated soybeans and tofu as regular parts of their diet had significantly lower rates of colon cancer.
5. Eating soy foods may help retain bone mass: A preliminary study has shown that Japanese women have half the rate of hip fractures (owing to osteoporosis) than U.S. women
6. Soy foods may help in the reduction of hot flashes associated with menopause: Foods containing soy have shown to reduce symptoms associated with menopause such as hot flashes and night sweats. In Asian countries where women consume diets high in soy protein there have been very few menopausal symptoms. Soy foods contain phytoestrogen, a plant estrogen potent enough to have a positive impact on the body. During menopause estrogen production can drops 70 percent. Adding synthetic estrogen can cause breast cancer in some women. Phytoestrogens in soy products can provide an estrogen "lift" that makes up for the lack of hormones without increasing cancer risk.
7. Soy foods help the body fight disease: Studies show that soybean peptides can boost the immune system and help the fight against illness.
8. Eating soy foods can prevent or slow down kidney disease: Soy protein is easier on the kidney than animal protein and may help people with impaired kidney function.
9. Soy foods can help reduce lung cancer: Several studies have linked soy consumption to lower rates of lung cancer.
10. Eating soy food may reduce prostate cancer: A major study of Japanese men in Hawaii found a direct correlation between the consumption of tofu and lower rates of prostate cancer. Studies show that compounds in soy can inhibit the growth of prostate cancer cells in laboratory cultures.
These are all good reasons to start or to continue eating soy foods, however the best reason to eat Toby's Tofu Paté is because it taste great!
References: http://www2.ari.net/home3/health/soystop10.html
"Soy for menopause," Tufts University Health and Nutritional Letter, May 1997 v 15 n3 p2.
"Isoflavones and the new concentrated Soy supplements," Philip N. Steinberg, July, 1996.
"Benefits of Tofu," Eugene Register Guard, May 1995.
Posted by brooke at 07:33 PM
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Saturday, 18 December 04
i needed that.
i went to my regular friday night meeting tonight. its a step study.. re: one in which every week we go over one of the 12 steps. tonights topic was step one.
we admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
this is the one step i've worked. i worked it about a month ago. its the one thing i get. yes, i am powerless over my depression. yes, my life has become unmanageable because of it. yes, i get it. i think
i needed tonight because i needed to touch bases with where i've been, what i've concluded over the last 2 months. and mostly i needed to hear people talk, i needed to hear others reflect on the steps.
i needed to hear b talk about step one and its relation to non alcohol things, that we are powerless over people, places and things. i needed to hear a talk about her defiance at the beginning. i needed to hear c talk about how he doesn't feel like he's worthy of feeling good. goddess, i just needed to hear people say things i get, i relate too, i understand. i needed to hear it all.
i needed to touch base with 2 weeks ago, pre laptop. i've been wanting to reconnect, to go back, and this was perfect timing.
afterwards i talked to a about what she said. i also asked her if we could get together during the break. i've been wanting to hear her story AND to talk to her about something thats been bothering me. i think she can give me some good insight into it.
its going to be a quiet 2 weeks. everyone is gone, going, away with family. i decided not to go back, the steps are going to be there, and i don't want to deal with that. i am under enough stress.. i want healing relationships with the naturals (parents, brother) and their partners.. but the others.. maybe i'm just callous, but right now its too hard to extend to the not natural siblings. i'm just not strong enough to deal with such an extended family and all the damage from all the years of my growing up. if i can have loving, healthy, relationships with my brother, father, mother and their partners then i've accomplished a lot. i just can't do it. and i've made the choice not to put myself in the middle of the fire, i've chosen to be lonely at this time of year, because in the end, the damage that could be done far outweighs the being together.
i'll spend the next week going to lots of meetings. i've finally realized i'm not a looser by going to lots of meetings. what it does is get me out of the house and then i'm off accomplishing non recovery things. i'm getting out and working on the calc website, going to the library, calling friends. going to a meeting kicks me out of my cocoon here, and gets me into life. there's nothing wrong with that.
yes, recovery is a good thing. learning to relate to people, learning that i'm not this awful human being, that yes, I am worthy of love, that there are people out there who get my darkness, that i'm not alone with it. yes, its a good thing for me to learn more about my dysfunction, to learn more about me, to learn how i can be less selfish. yes, for me to sit in rooms and listen to people and their stories, to be compassionate to their suffering, to focus outside myself for an hour. no, its not a looser thing.
i needed tonight. i really did. i think i'll try to go to tommorrow's early meeting. even if i am exhausted.
Posted by brooke at 12:11 AM
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Friday, 17 December 04
maybe its time?
for 6 years i have often thought of georgia. it was in georgia that i started to come of age. i did my college years there, 7 years of frustration, but 7 years of incredible growth. i went to georgia as this innocent kayaking teenager and left with the knowledge of being exluded, for so many reasons.
maybe its time to go back. maybe when i go home next, i'll continue to swing south, after a stop in chapel hill and another in columbia. i think about it everytime i get on that plane to head east, every time i get in the car heading towards columbia, when i pass the exit for 85 west. i always think about what is there, what i want to see.. just for a day. a day of stopping around, from buckhead and lenox plaza to little 5.
i often think about my time in atlanta, the time particularly between my senior year and the time i went off to athens for graduate school. i lived in little 5 points for a year. it was a struggle. no place i've lived has been easy. but back then i had even less than what i have now. my friends were fewer than they are now, my money was less, my future, well.. all i had was a degree that qualified me to teach, and teaching was the last thing i wanted to do. my future was even more in the toilet than it is now.
i miss my favourite resturant, tortillas. yes, it was a little hole in the wall type place. i was introduced to the place by jd. their brocilli tortillas, and best of all their guacamole. yummy and cheap.
i miss the bookstores, driving down ponce with those great parks, eddies, the point, the red light cafe. fuck.. i even miss tearing down 85 in the middle of rush hour traffic. yeah, i was a gluton for adrenaline, and really, rush hour traffic on 85 is a great place for an adrenaline rush -- esp. when you are late getting some place.
i want to go back to see how its changed, to see familiar places routes that i only see in my head now. i want to drive and just look, see what i can see of myself, if i can see anything.
hmm.. i wonder, is there anything left of me back there? when perry and marsha left, was that the end of it all? i know jeff is still there, but.. its been so long. is charis books still yellow? i think its still on euclid, just off monroe. what of toco hills and the movie theatre, and even more-- what of the store front, what happened after they left rainy day records.
i know it won't be the same. no one will be there.. i think i really just need to go and say a proper good-bye.
i'm making a life for myself in eugene, the pacific northwest. i don't need this anymore, but i couldn't have done it if this city hadn't been part of me.
Posted by brooke at 01:20 PM
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breaking news!
i'm a big huge dork.
oh wait, thats old news.
got up early today, got stuff done. maybe i'll go to the sunrise meeting in the morning? oh goddess. i really AM a dork.
gonna take my gateway to calc tommorrow. g will appreciate it muchly. oh, and it looks like i'll be the keeper of the jnw phone while karla is gone. that means unlimited local cell phone usage for me for 10 days.. hmm.. don't think there's anything i'll do with it.
oh well. time to go back and continue being a big huge dork.
Posted by brooke at 12:19 AM
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Thursday, 16 December 04
*sigh*
i'm FINALLY getting to work on a website i'm being paid to get it up to date. i told the friend that hired me that i'd probably spend most time getting the back end in shape..
*sigh*
this is going to take a LONG time.. the site was orginally done in front page. yes, front page.. ooohh.. i think there are only a few of you who understand why i could possibly hate that product to such a great degree..
to me, fp is a tool of the devil. it makes it impossible for anyone to go in and work with it who aren't using front page.. and excuse me, but i simply refuse to that to myself, i will not use it.
so, its going to take a long long time to fix this. much longer than the hours i contracted with them to fix it for.
what a deal they are getting!
Posted by brooke at 11:38 AM
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Wednesday, 15 December 04
if i write about it?
i've not been doing much spiritual work over the last 2 weeks. i've noticed a big difference in myself. i'm a lot less forgiving of both me and others.
but, for some reason, i'm afraid to do the spiritual work. tonight i heard something, maybe even from my sponsor, about not being afraid to do the work.. not the spiritual stuff, but other work. sometimes its hard to go that deep. it really clicked with me. i'm afraid to go that deep again. for some reason. i don't know why.
but i'm listening to alix olson.. who woulda thunk that a radical lesbian, feminist, left of progressive, loud spoken word artist would be appropriate for the 12 step program? not i.. but these 2 gems..
"We gotta go deep
We gotta use our black and blues like a second skin,
Let our bruises thicken,
Then begin again.
We gotta get up when we're pushed to the ground,
They aint gonna hear us if we're screaming face down.
We gotta rise to double the size of our sound.
You know warriors are better
the second time around." from the poem "Warriors"
and
"and i talk it and i teach it
and i poet and i preach it
and I hold it and I mold it
and I know it so I give it.
cause I’m sure that I believe
i’m still learning how to live it." from the poem "i believe"
i need to do the work, i need to do a daily meditation. if i can break open my meditation book with these two gems, hopefully i'll be drawn back to other gems i've found.
on another note, p is only truly happy when she is in my arms, asleep. yes, p is a cat. she's resting happily and comfortably right now.
Posted by brooke at 10:01 PM
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going skiing!
i and 3 friends are going x-c skiing (goddess willing there is SNOW) with 3 more friends of mine on sunday who will be renting a cabin at the ski place.. I AM SO OUT OF SHAPE. after my illness kicking in and me not biking much, then getting 2 colds in ONE MONTH and furthering the not-biking thing i've just gotten in TERRIBLE shape.
warning (cause one of you reads this).. i'll be doing A LOT of huffing and puffing, and coughing and hacking. its a good thing we'll have a 7 and 8 year old with us, they'll slow us down, i hope.
and hopefully after a day in the mountains my lungs will feel MUCH better about doing exercise.
oh, and yeah, i'll be going back again on x-mas day. or the day after x-mas? one of those days that weekend, cause my 3 friends will have a cabin again.
hope there is snow! hope there is snow! hope there is snow!
Posted by brooke at 11:01 AM
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Tuesday, 14 December 04
free wireless in eugene
i'm making a list of free wireless spots in eugene.. feel free to leave comments as to other places.. i'll add more as i find them.
cozmic pizza
8th and charnelton
cafe paradiso
broadway and olive
allan brothers, aka the beanery
5th and charnelton
the u of o library
allan brothers @ 24th and hilyard
*apparently black sun books leaves theirs on and you can sit at allan brothers and tap in.
sip 'n surf cafe
in the atrium, 10th and broadway
cornucopia
297 w. 27th
campbell club
1670 alder
Posted by brooke at 11:50 PM
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i baited a crazy person
yes, i baited my crazy neighbor. yes, i admit i did it cause i was in a bad mood and wanted to take it out on her, rather than a friend. (YES, I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE DEALT WITH IT IN A MUCH HEALTHIER WAY) little did i realize HOW crazy she was. now my sane, yet very pompous, neighbor is pissed at me. (EVEN THOUGH my reaction back to crazy neighbour was not pissed but in fact sympathetic and i called a social worker friend to see if there was anything that could be done to help crazy neighbor (instead of lawyer friend to see into a restraining order) -- yes, she is truly delusional) all pompus neighbour wants to do is point out how WRONG i was... even though i admitted it over and over and over and over and over and over and over, and over, and over and.......
too many NOT humble people are telling me i don't know how to relate to people. yes, i know i need work (lots), but SO DO THEY. and when i admit i'm wrong, see i got it and back off.. ESPECIALLY when i know exactly why i did what i did, what specific incident caused me to do it, what physical symptoms caused me not to react well to said specific incident.
thank god for my humble friends. thank the goddess. at least when i admit i'm wrong they don't continue to press. they accept that i know the lesson i'm to learn and move on.
Posted by brooke at 01:30 PM
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Monday, 13 December 04
holy mother of god!
be careful when you feed stray cats! one mistook my index finger for a piece of chicken. nearly put his teeth all the way through. fucker hurt! it still hurts! luckily i've a drs appt tommorrow, i'll show the good doc my injury, maybe she'll give me a tetnus shot? its only been 5 years since the last one, so i should be okay.
Posted by brooke at 06:14 PM
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ooohh.. there was something i was going to say, but i've forgotten. *crap*
for the first time ever all 4 cats curled up together. i wish i'd had pictures, but i didn't. they were curled up on my bed together. very cute, and amazing how small they actually are when they get together like that. with all the havoc they cause around here you wouldn't think they were that small when in a collective unit.
had a super busy weekend. spent all day on saturday pretty much with my friends g, t and p. yesterday was our justice not war coalition meeting, a success. lots of stuff going on in eugene. headed over to the eugene middle east peace group dinner, but i left before dinner cause i got grumpy and didn't know when dinner was going to happen.
anyhow. i have things i need to take care of today.
Posted by brooke at 08:57 AM
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Sunday, 12 December 04
makes me laugh
my cat hates you, my favourite being this one.., yes, its unpc, but it makes me laugh.. screw the unpc!
Posted by brooke at 10:21 PM
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Saturday, 11 December 04
i'm beginning to think i'll never ever date, ever again.. for reasons unbeknownst to me.
no, no one ever asks me out on a date. no, i have not kissed a man in over a year, yes, its been way to long since i've had sex.
i simply don't understand it. i don't understand why i put my profile up on match.com and no one answers.. why i put personals in to the eugene weekly (though i don't anymore, cause the weekly is unethical) and no one answered.. okay, that was a lie, 2 guys answered - one creepy old guy and another guy who said 'everyone in whiteaker are freaks' .. um, yeah, thanks asshole.. i'll pass that on to OUR MAYOR.
so, yeah, i don't understand it. i thought i was playing good little girl - not gonna consider dating till i have my illness under control.. yeah, and thats why no one asks me out.. but do you know how many folks i hear about who are crazier than me who actually get married and procreate? jeezus fuck.
at one point i thought it was cause i was fat.. but have you seen all the morbidly obese women carting husbands and children behind them????
no, i'm not working, but i'm getting there. maybe thats it. maybe cause i'm not working.. but do you know how many folks who have said 'how can i get what you get?' (re: the not working bit) and really.. i know plenty of folks in my situation with, again, husbands and children in tow. fuck, i know folks in my situation who are proud to be in my situation who never plan on leaving my situation (how dysfunctional is that??) with loving & devoted husbands and children in tow.
*sigh*
but of course this blog is inherintly unpopular.. so i should just realize that unpopular chicks just don't get dates.. EVER.
:P
well, they are all missing out. i'm terribly compassionate, smart, a good conversationalist, humble, a good communicator, terribly self aware, i have many interests, i can entertain myself, i understand neediness, i'll admit when i'm wrong, i have a loving family and friends that adore me.. oh, and based on the comments of my fuck buddy, who moved south and thusly i was not interested in long distance fuck buddying, i'm pretty darn good in bed.
Posted by brooke at 11:14 PM
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Friday, 10 December 04
maybe not too thrilled
yeah, so i'm not sure the al-anon's are too thrilled with me.. told them tonight how happy i was that i was telling my friends what i've been up too the past 1.5 months, what all the meetings were about.
i'm not sure how much folks liked that idea.. after all it is 'anonymous'.. everyone is anonymous.
so, i get the point of letting others be anonymous.. but me and my life.. no thank you, but i'm not comfortable with closets. i never have been, from before i knew what a closet was to the time in my life that the closet was a huge symbol to now - when closets are where my clothes hang... and where people hang the stuff in their lives that they are ashamed of.
i'm not embarassed by al-anon. i'm not embarrased, anymore, by the fact that i go. now, the picky details, folks don't need to know that.. but to admit that i go to a place where i share all the sadness.. and maybe even all the happiness.. where yeah, its a bit corny, but corny is all over the place..
but maybe my experience is different. i don't have alcoholism around me.. the thing i'm trying to control is my depression. i go and i can remain disconnected from the real reason people go. so, in some sense, living out of the closet in this case is easier for me. no family secrets..
goodness, i've gone in a circle. i need to remind myself to have more compassion.
Posted by brooke at 10:54 PM
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ipod fyi...
if you are moving from one computer to another, or simply want to move music from your ipod to your computer (rather than the other way around) you need to download ipod agent..
there was no way in hell i was going to reload 2 gigs of music manually on to this thing. no fucking way.
Posted by brooke at 02:45 PM
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more evolved....
the canadians have got it SO MUCH more figured out than we do.. goddess...
Canada's Supreme Court has told the government it can legalise gay marriage without violating the constitution.
and yes, folks.. they ARE AS YOUNG AS WE ARE. goddess... that cold, it must be good for you.. people say cold = bad, but i'm thinkin' cold = good. the cold gets the blood moving, more o2 to the ol' noggin'
if only i weren't nuts. if i had a solid career and all that good stuff, not in recovery from bad neurotransmitters, i'd be out of here. really.
maybe not.
i don't know. actually, thats a lie.. i do. i'd be out of here. i like the cold, afterall, i've got 4 little heaters that i live with.
the canadians have got it SO much more figured out..
the only positive thing? i live in the pacific northwest. the closest thing to canadians that i've found so far. yes, annex washington and oregon to canada, extend british columbia down ~ 700 miles.. can't be THAT hard to do.
and hey! climate wise, we're just little versions of canada! from the high desert plateau, to the snow covered cascades, to the rich green rainforests, to the stormy coasts. really. snow, rain, sun, interiors, coasts.. it works.
oh, i'm babbling incoherently.
Posted by brooke at 01:37 PM
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uu background art.
i've been up playing.. with the puter and photoshop.. i just made a background for we unitarian universalists..
YES.. it needs work. i know, it ain't great.. but for this late at night.. not bad..
its 1200 x 750.. feel free to take it.
Posted by brooke at 02:43 AM
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Thursday, 9 December 04
oh my goodness!
i'm watching democracy now while sitting on my bed! oh my, i love this dsl / laptop wireless thing.. this means that i could watch dn from cafe paradiso! anywhere with a wireless connection!
Posted by brooke at 05:37 PM
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yes, its here
i'm now computing wireless in my house. the computer got here at 12.30.. the last hours have been spent setting up the wireless, installing programs, realizng that the firewire -> usb connector for the ipod is NOT usb II, its usb I.. so i have to go to the mac store for usb II, playing with all the various settings, including playing part of a dvd (the weather underground), and on and on. i also realized i need to get a new laptop bag, cause the one i've had for years for the old old old powerbook, my old laptop, my ibook that died last year, is barely big enough for this thing! (15.4") but the ipod connector is FAR more important.
the last 4 hours have also been spent blowing lots of snot out of my nose.. from all parts of my head, including my ears... and when the ears get blown, i get all dizzy and stuff.. goodness..
my little friend t wants to watch whale rider, i told her to wait till my laptop came, so, maybe this weekend we'll watch whale rider on this.. cause the screen isn't that bad..
okay, i gotta eat something, cause my body needs more food than normal cause its working for both me and the cold virus.. you'd think i'd loose some weight with this.. but noo, my body wants junk food in this state! :P ;-D
Posted by brooke at 04:15 PM
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12 steps
okay, i'm not exactly funny.. but i tried..
the 12 steps of computer gadget addiction (modified from the al-anon 12 steps).
1. Admitted we were powerless over computers and tech gadgets, and that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves, and the computer geeks, could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of spirits around us (and not in our computers), as we understood them.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, using no gadgets or geeks to help us.
5. Admitted to the spirits, to ourselves and to another human being (face to face or over the phone, NOT over the internet or videophone) the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have the spirits around us remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked the spirits around us to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, online and off, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take a personal inventory, without the use of gadgets or geeks to help us, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with the spirits, asking only for knowledge of their will and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tired to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
note, i also fixed the whole GOD thing in the 12 steps.
Posted by brooke at 11:23 AM
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out for delivery
i'm pacing. my computer went out for delivery at 7.35am.. *agh* i hope it comes soon! i want to play with it before this evening! each time i hear a car/truck/bike near the driveway i jump.
yes, i admit it.. i am powerless over my addiction to computer gadgets. ;-D
Posted by brooke at 11:11 AM
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!!!!
the laptop is scheduled for delivery on december 9th. that would be tommorrow. and i'm awake? fuck! good thing i just took an extra strength sominex!
the printer is scheduled for friday.
Posted by brooke at 01:04 AM
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Wednesday, 8 December 04
as far as i'm concerned.
found this handy quote today. guess where?
"As far as I was concerned, what was right for the government was right for me, and I had no right to any kind of personal thoughts, opinions or feelings. Rather I had the duty to obey, without argument, orders from above,
(click more to read the rest.. but before you do, this sounds like something i've heard on mainstream tv, from the soldiers fighting our wars, from condeleeza rice...)
and if those orders meant the gasing of millions of Jews, then I was willing to collaborate. Which is why, believe me, I could not allow myself even the slightest weakness over mothers or children. When I saw the littlest ones going into the bunker [gas chambers], all I could think was: There's a few less Jewish brats; there are some kids who will never become repellent adult Jews." - Helga Schneider's mother, an SS officer who worked at Auschwitz-Birkenau and Ravensbruck, from "Let Me Go" by Helga Schneider.
Posted by brooke at 02:06 PM
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Tuesday, 7 December 04
sick and gaining weight.
yes, i'm continuing to gain weight. agh! tommorrow i am going to go and get waterproof stuff for my rain pants! and maybe i'll even hunt down a waterproof bag for my bike, instead of just plastic bags in my backpack. i need to be biking around town again, instead of all this driving. i hate the driving and finding parking. every time i go to park i think 'if i were on bike this would be a hell of a lot easier.' and i know it would only take a week to start feeling like i was 1.5 months ago on my bike. yes, its been THAT long since i was biking regularly. :P i should talk to j about weight loss. she's done so well, maybe she could help me with my motiviation.
but at least there is snow in the mountains! and i think i'll be skiing the weekend of the 18th and the 25th, at least one of those days on each day. yeah!
and i'm sick again. t, g and p had it, now its my turn.. again. fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Posted by brooke at 11:01 PM
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frankly, i'm sick of it.
people are deciding now that they can tell me how to relate and not relate to the whole world based on their feelings. really, we all need to own what triggers us, what causes us to do things, and we need to be aware that not everyone feels that way about things.
people really need to take what they tell me and apply it to themselves. its not about me, its about you. and yes, people in this town are straight laced, in comparison to other people in this town. just suck it up. i'm certainly doing a lot of it these days.
update: i called a friend about what caused me to post this, and really, it is all about our own individual selves. what i'm doing by caving and going to meetings and really taking care of myself.. i'm seeing folks that aren't, and though i certainly i'm not perfect at relating, i need a lot of work, a lot a lot a lot, i'm not as awful at it as those folks who aren't caving.
oh my. i'm a little manic today. feels kinda nice to be a bit too happy instead of waaay to sad. maybe soon i'll be happy enough to do my dishes and clean my apartment. after i get rid of this cold that is coming on.
Posted by brooke at 01:57 PM
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Monday, 6 December 04
1 month chip
i got my one month chip today at my morning meeting. its been a bit longer than a month, but i'm not that picky about details. anyhow, i'm not exactly bought and sold into the program (al-anon for those not playing along), but its bringing me something that made this gesture a touching one. everyone in the room smiled as the various chips were passed around, and dear sweet m reminded me that she and i showed up at the meeting for the first time on the same day.. she said to me that we'll always have that connection. yes, a touching morning. and even if i'm not bought and sold into the program, the hugs and understanding i get from these folks is enough to keep me going back 3 times a week.
this week is going to be fairly busy. i've got a meeting of some sort every day. and even 2 a day between now and the end of the week. this weekend my friend p is having our new mayor (thusly to be known as mayor kitty, not mayor piercy) over for tea with t and her friends so kitty can tell them what it means to be mayor. so incredibly cute and wonderful. cause i adore t, p, and mayor kitty i'm going to help set up and join in the festivities :)
i now have a new addiction. the library. i can't wait to get to there and see what else i can see that i've not seen yet! and then home again with a giant stack of books. i don't read them all, but i'm getting through at least 2 books a week, which for me is an improvement, since for so long i had to buy books. now that i can have these for free (and return them, thusly creating no more clutter in my cramped living space) i'm a lot more inclined to read than watch tv.
and now i need to get dressed from my afternoon bath. i'm going to go hunt down some yarn for a project i want to get off the ground. tonight during the jnw meeting will be a good time to start working on it..
and lastly..
i'm having this urge to replace the flag on top of skinner's butte with a banner that says "REMEMBER THE UKRAINE!"
Posted by brooke at 02:52 PM
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Saturday, 4 December 04
i'm just gonna die if the printer gets here before the laptop!
in other news, i'm getting quite busy these days. my calendar is filling up. this is good. i like busy. but not so busy that i can't read a lot (now that i have my library privilages back) and knit, of course.
talked to my aunt, good. love my aunt s. need to connect with her more. she needs to come to oregon to visit. i love my aunt s. and i heard my nephew on the phone when i was talking to my brother. love that kid, a lot.
and i'm out to my family about al-anon. i don't like the closet.
Posted by brooke at 10:27 PM
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Friday, 3 December 04
i think chess is the most beautiful thing, not love-- from the march of the falsettos..
i'll change that..
i think a new computer is the most beautiful thing, not love..
oh god. my heart really hates it all.
Posted by brooke at 10:02 PM
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sick sick sick
i am so sick and tired and sick and tired and sick and tired of hurting. so fucking sick and tired of it. i think i've done enough of it.
*sigh*
at least i can take great joy in my nephew, who, when i called my brother today, screeched loud so i could hear him. i can't wait to meet him. i'll hold him soo tight. love that kid, a lot.
Posted by brooke at 09:52 PM
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Thursday, 2 December 04
new puter, chocolate, and the bor.
i ordered a laptop on credit. i need to build my credit, and i desperately crave something to give me that instant fix to make things all better for my pathetic life and awful depression. what better than a bright shiny new bauble in a dell box?
its supposed to be here A WEEK FROM TOMMORROW. i can't wait. no no no no, i can't wait. i want it now. but, i must wait. so to make the wait better, i'm checking many times a day as to its status. it is currently in production.
in other news.. i ate chocolate today, the real stuff. my body didn't give a shit, but me.. well.. i had a meeting in the shopping center where the candy store that carries the cadbury's imported from england is sold. i was going to go in there cause baba yaga's birthday is coming up, and i wanted to get the english cadbury's for her.. but i decided i needed a treat, so i bought something for me. and then, cause i'm neurotic and self processed our conversation the other day, my anger came up, so i decided to fuck it, and eat not only what i bought for me, but also the bar i bought for her.. *there* take that you !!!, you don't get any chocolate.. i am so, well.. like i said, neurotic, passive agressive, etc.. i'd say its a good thing she doesn't read this space.
anyhow.
had a lane co. bill of rights defense committee meeting. i've known these folks for 1.5 years. it was good to see them, to hear our history brought up in snide comments to each other. ooohh.. that was nice.. to be with people i can make snide remarks too :) because of the personal relationships alone i think i'm going to continue to work with this fine bunch. and it looks like we're headed back to salem.. that was great 1.5 years ago.. i think by the time the state legislature meets again i'll be ready to take that on.
ps. i want this: a metal tryptic of paris with the eifel tower, arc de triumphe and notre dame.. i need to write about my trip there. out of my month in the UK, those were the best 2 days of it. from the eifel tower and the lourve to the jewish quarter on sunday morning.. *sigh* and the magic of notre dame.. i'm not a christian, but i believe that that god exists.. and notre dame, even with all the tourists, was one of the most spiritual places i've ever been. i could feel it everywhere.
*sigh* i wanna be there, NOW.
Posted by brooke at 08:25 PM
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Wednesday, 1 December 04
FINALLY!
the past month or so i've been eating like its going out of style. eating everything in my path. and gaining weight. too much weight. for awhile i just let my body do its thing, but then i began to get a little horrified that my body's thing seemed to be determined to get itself back to where it was pre-baja.
no no no no no.
last week i decided to start doing combat with my body's need to consume large amounts of sugar based material. i went out and bought juice pops, sugar free jello and fat free, sugar free pudding. we (my body and i) went through that stuff in a weekend. not good, but better than going through a half gallon of ice cream and a bag of hershey's chocolate nuggets.
this week i notched it up a rung. i went and got sugar free chocolate--- hershey's kisses, reese's cups, and sweet 'n low coffee candy. (and some juice pops, love the breyer's juice pops). well, the sugar free chocolate doesn't taste that great, and the coffee candy-- hahahahahaha- gives my body gas (take that body and your cravings!).
the last few days i've not eaten nearly as much. see, my body knows that if it decideds to stop eating in such great amounts, and if it sheds the pounds i just gained, that it can get the real stuff, but in smaller quantaties.. and i know it wants the real stuff, cause i gave it some last night and me, oh my, it just loved it. it wanted more, but i was having none of that, so i gave it the sugar free kisses instead... hahahahahahaha.. take that!
it appears that *i* am winning.
Posted by brooke at 12:25 PM
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