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Saturday, 18 December 04 ::
i needed that.
i went to my regular friday night meeting tonight. its a step study.. re: one in which every week we go over one of the 12 steps. tonights topic was step one.
we admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
this is the one step i've worked. i worked it about a month ago. its the one thing i get. yes, i am powerless over my depression. yes, my life has become unmanageable because of it. yes, i get it. i think
i needed tonight because i needed to touch bases with where i've been, what i've concluded over the last 2 months. and mostly i needed to hear people talk, i needed to hear others reflect on the steps.
i needed to hear b talk about step one and its relation to non alcohol things, that we are powerless over people, places and things. i needed to hear a talk about her defiance at the beginning. i needed to hear c talk about how he doesn't feel like he's worthy of feeling good. goddess, i just needed to hear people say things i get, i relate too, i understand. i needed to hear it all.
i needed to touch base with 2 weeks ago, pre laptop. i've been wanting to reconnect, to go back, and this was perfect timing.
afterwards i talked to a about what she said. i also asked her if we could get together during the break. i've been wanting to hear her story AND to talk to her about something thats been bothering me. i think she can give me some good insight into it.
its going to be a quiet 2 weeks. everyone is gone, going, away with family. i decided not to go back, the steps are going to be there, and i don't want to deal with that. i am under enough stress.. i want healing relationships with the naturals (parents, brother) and their partners.. but the others.. maybe i'm just callous, but right now its too hard to extend to the not natural siblings. i'm just not strong enough to deal with such an extended family and all the damage from all the years of my growing up. if i can have loving, healthy, relationships with my brother, father, mother and their partners then i've accomplished a lot. i just can't do it. and i've made the choice not to put myself in the middle of the fire, i've chosen to be lonely at this time of year, because in the end, the damage that could be done far outweighs the being together.
i'll spend the next week going to lots of meetings. i've finally realized i'm not a looser by going to lots of meetings. what it does is get me out of the house and then i'm off accomplishing non recovery things. i'm getting out and working on the calc website, going to the library, calling friends. going to a meeting kicks me out of my cocoon here, and gets me into life. there's nothing wrong with that.
yes, recovery is a good thing. learning to relate to people, learning that i'm not this awful human being, that yes, I am worthy of love, that there are people out there who get my darkness, that i'm not alone with it. yes, its a good thing for me to learn more about my dysfunction, to learn more about me, to learn how i can be less selfish. yes, for me to sit in rooms and listen to people and their stories, to be compassionate to their suffering, to focus outside myself for an hour. no, its not a looser thing.
i needed tonight. i really did. i think i'll try to go to tommorrow's early meeting. even if i am exhausted.
posted by brooke at December 18, 2004 12:11 AM
