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Tuesday, 31 August 04
its been a good day.
yeah. dig it.
so, kerry is an idiot.. but i'm enjoying working with the people working on his campaign in lane county. i am pretty sure that not all of them are as head over heals for him as they appear.
max cat has been oh so loving these days. my old grumpy boy is now a lover boy. and recently he gained a bunch of weight. my former skinny boy is now a fat and happy boy.
smudgie is busy growing up. he's maturing more and more. he is calming down and becoming more and more loyal. i love this. i so love this.
my sense of community here in lane county grows as each opportunity i have opens up for me. each week i seem to add yet another new person to my list of folks that i'd like to invite over for a big ol' potluck. this week, its been not just one, but 2. that rocks, and its only tuesday.
i'm super busy this week. i love that. i love being super busy and not being way discouraged. if these last 2 days are indicative, maybe i'm finally starting to open my wings a bit in this campaign. maybe the powers that be will let me fly on my own some. maybe. i can only hope.
but even if they don't, i've been promised a letter of recommendation.
and when this is all over, when the dust settles some.. i'm going to get to learn how to spin wool, and knit something other than a scarf.
Posted by brooke at 11:19 PM
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i have gmail
hi all,
i'm about to fall over asleep.. but i've got stuff going on all evening..
anyhow. i've got gmail, and now 5 invites. anyone want one of the invites? leave a comment
Posted by brooke at 04:36 PM
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which is worse to watch?
the rnc is going on right now. i can't watch. all those people believing that this man is going to save them. *sigh*
but really, how different is it than the dnc was? all those people thinking that man is going to save them from this man.
*sigh*
this country is being run by idiots.
let this be one of my many not-so-formal apologies to the world. i apologize world for a country full of idiots.. really. i do. and i'm sorry they own so many guns and big bombs that they want to kill you all with. really. i'm sorry.
*sigh*
Posted by brooke at 05:29 AM
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Saturday, 28 August 04
insomnia.
yes. insomnia. love it. :P
i'm up at an ungodly hour of the morning. i can't sleep. i woke up an hour and a half ago just terrified about lack of the 2 things we need so much.
fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Posted by brooke at 05:29 AM
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Thursday, 26 August 04
on being a woman..
i'm learning a lot these days on what it means to be a woman. what it means to be a woman in this society.
the first thing i have learned is that maybe it is a shame that my mother raised me to believe that there was nothing that i couldn't do because of my gender. my father taught me that men treat women with respect simply because they are human, not for any special reason, and disrespect someone because they are a woman.. well, its just not done. and my brother.. he learned these lessons from my parents and never once treated me with any sort of superior attitude because of his gender.
its a shame that my family is like this because, as i am learning these days, the world is not like my family. the vast majority of people are not taught that the genders are genders and we might do things different ways but that does not mean that one is better than the other. the vast majority of the world really is about the good ol' boy network, a network i knew about but didn't really believe its existance.. no, i didn't believe that the good ol' boy network would be around in this day and age, especially in a town like eugene. no.
i am learning what my place in this world is. i am learning that what my mother taught me to believe is my rightful place is, in fact, not it. i am learning that i am not equal to men in this world, no matter how good i might be, no matter how hard i work, no matter what. i am learning about the true uphill battle we have. the true uphill battle we have to be seen not as our gender, but as who we are as people.
i know, i've been spoiled. i have lead a sheltered life. i know. most women experience this at a much earlier age. most women live it like i am so much earlier. these days i wish i had learned my place earlier, because now wouldn't be so hard.
i'm learning that the men who say they are on our side, well.. no matter how hard they try, they aren't. they might say they are, but really, they can't be. they simply don't get it. they are not being treated as we are. no, they aren't. and they make excuses for behavior because they don't hurt. in fact they get to participate in all the crap that goes on around us. no, no matter how wonderful the man, don't trust them to be on your side.
i'm learning that i'm not alone though. i'm learning that the women i surround myself with don't just put lip service to equality, the women i choose to surround myself with get it. they understand my frustration, my anger at the injustice of it all.
the last 2 days have been not good days for me. they have been filled with frustration and anger at the system i find myself in. they have been filled with tears and yells, pounding of my fists on the wall at the injustice of it all, pounding my fists on the wall in anger at the men who think they get it not getting it.
to be a woman in this society is to compromise. to be a woman in this society is to give up a part of yourself. to be a woman in this society.. goddess. to be a woman in this society is hard. it is simply hard.
Posted by brooke at 10:54 PM
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Wednesday, 25 August 04
i've been trying to peg down what it is i'm feeling today. why i am in such a crabby mood. why i just want to get back in bed for the day, wake up hoping tommorrow is better.
overwhelmed is one reason. it seems like there is too much to do. it seems as though i am taking up slack, slack that i do'nt want to take up. and also i feel like i'm being micro managed. i'm constantly on edge, waiting for the next questioning round of why i am doing what and what i am doing and why. i can't do anything without a question of why something wasn't done this way or that. i'm constantly on edge knowing that nothing is ever good enough. i put enough pressure on myself to be perfect, i certainly don't need anyone else doing it to me too. no, i cannot relax, ever.
i'm frustrated because i'm constantly being given excuses for someone else's behavior. i'm being told that this is just the way they are and nothing will change it. i'm being told, though, that i must change my behavior for that person. i'm being told that this is the system we are working in and i have to, essientally, deal with it, suck it up, because its people like this that get to the top.. not people who are willing to take up slack, not people who will do nearly everything, even though i might grumble doing it. i'm also being told how wonderful said person is.
my true belief in social change is not about taking to the streets and having people march. its never something i've believed whole heartedly in, and looking at the past 2 years of protest, that disbelief in marching has become even greater. with the current state of being i know that what large groups of people say doesn't matter, what dick cheney proved to me yesterday (or some day recently) was that it is the heart to heart knowledge and connection that truly changes minds.
yeah. i've spent a lot of time connecting with people one on one. developing relationships, being open, being willing to talk. i know that true change of heart comes with the knowledge of effect. i know that true social change happens not in large global protests, but instead in small heart to heart conversations.
and so my problem and my feeling of being overwhelmed comes with the fact that i'm having to deal in a system that people say can't be changed. and i'm sitting here wondering that if this system can't be changed in eugene, that if people living in eugene who say they believe in social change can't be approached about their disrespectful attitudes towards me and other me's how can we ever make change? no, if we can't make change in the one on one then we can't ever expect change to come through the electoral process.
the electoral process is mean and cruel. it takes people in and spits them out. it grinds and grounds on the very being of a person. no matter what you do, you always question. no matter what happens its never ever right. the electoral process is supposed to be the greatest mechanism for change because we are electing people that can make the changes through laws and policies in all levels of governments, but in fact, it is not. it is archaic, it is afraid of change, it is afraid of seeing that what is not happening should be.
i was hoping that rain would wash some of this crap all away, but what it has done instead has made things very stifling. we're stuck inside and we can't go out without fear of being not perfectly dry anymore.
Posted by brooke at 10:55 AM
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Sunday, 22 August 04
free to be you and me
i'm currently listening to the album free to be you and me. its for my friend j, she turned 7 on saturday and her party is on monday.
i know i'm an adult now. i know i'm an adult because i am now giving to children in my life something i grew up listening too.
my grandmother had the album. i remember discovering it at their house in wild rose shores, in annapolis, md. it had a white cover. and a songbook. i listened to it a lot. a lot a lot a lot. and i learned the words to all the songs.
years later i stumbled across the cd and bought it. goddess, i'd grown up with that music.. telling people 'its alright to cry' and being inspired by atalanta and her heroic run to gain her independence. i knew that if atalanta could do it, i could too. i knew that my generation was a generation of atalanta's..
and now its a generation later. the kids of ours are listening. at times i think that maybe the lessons are archaic. maybe these kids, the kids of my friends who are being brought up with so many variations on family, with the knowledge that who they love doesn't matter just that they do love -- all people -- that matters. i wonder. briefly.
i know that these lessons are universal. that no matter what our kids know, its good to hear it again. its good to hear it in music that is fun and calming, joyful and playful all at the same time. i know that this music that i'm handing down to this generation is just as important now as it was then, because the lesson needs to be taught. the kids do need to hear it. and its not so bad if its reinforced.. over and over and over.
Posted by brooke at 07:29 PM
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Wednesday, 18 August 04
honestly.
panic has kicked in for me. honestly. as far as the campaign. dates, people, etc.. the laid back attitude i had is now gone. i'm actually worried that, well. this is a public forum.
anyhow.
rebecca giddens won the silver in women's whitewater slalom kayaking. that rocks. that totally rocks.
Posted by brooke at 11:56 AM
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Sunday, 15 August 04
hot damn.
the puerto rico team beat the over inflated ego of the men's team in a preliminary round of basketball in the olympics.
in other olympics news..
paul hamm qualified first in the men's all around in gymnastics, and both the men's and women's gymnastics teams qualified for the team final.
swimming going along well. michael phleps won the first gold medal for the men, the women got the silver in their first relay.
the usa women's basketball team trounced new zeland, the women's softball team is moving along nicely, as with the women's soccer team.
nationalism. yeah, during the olympics i have it. well, i will admit i root for ethiopia in their events. and maybe the occasional brit and aussie, canadian too. but really, most of these athelets are not highly paid, they give their heart and soul to their sport for so so incredibly long.. its heartening to see such dedication. through the good days and bad days, through awful and great competitions.. they find a way to move forward. i really admire them. i really do.
Posted by brooke at 12:14 PM
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Saturday, 14 August 04
fairness.. no? no.
apparently fairness is not a strength of the right. apparently moving forward in the face of defeat and allowing those who rightfully win is not in the thoughts of the right.
maybe its just indicative of this country. maybe you could call it folks who go for what they want and don't let go until they get it, re: great competitors. maybe you just call it sore loosers.
i'll call it sore loosers.
a write in campaign is taking hold for the position of mayor in eugene. back in may kitty piercy won the primary. that means that her name will the the only one on the ballot for mayor in november, it was supposed to mean that she won. it was supposed to be that that race was over and that we could all focus on other, as important, races.
but no. the right in this town can't accept defeat. they can't accept that we win, they can't accept that someone nice and non divisive is going to run the town. what they have to do instead is divide eugene, once again. and these are the folks that call bonny bettman divisive on the city council.
the right is not nice. no, they are out only for themselves. its no wonder the idea of world peace isn't even in their realm of late night dreaming, its no wonder that our country is the way it is. its all about dog-eat-dog, cat-eat-cat. its about who can beat who, its about egos.
i hate that. i hate that we on the left have to fight for common dignity, that we on the left have to fight for the right to treat everyone with respect, that we on the left have to fight for all of us to live and work together.
this morning as i'm contemplating life, i'm realizing what so many others already probably know, i'm seeing what i've not wanted to see. i'm seeing that those on the right really don't care. no, their hearts are made of green, money green, and that green is to be kept in their pockets and not to be shared. their hearts are not made of gold, you know, the kind that reflects, the kind that shares its beauty with others.
Posted by brooke at 11:23 AM
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Friday, 13 August 04
tired of it.
this is going to sound weird, but i'm tired of the presidential campaign already. i'm tired of the commercials, the news reports, the speculation, the continual lies by the bush camp. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of the fear that sits in my belly that bush will be reelected. i'm tired of the fear of november 2nd.
things are better for me when i go down to the campaign office, or when i'm doing work on don's campaign, because i feel like i have control then. i feel like i'm working to the greater good, and with each keystroke or successful meeting we are moving towards the positive goal of the elections.
maybe its just the distraction of the work that i like. the fact that the daily grind of the campaign is not about the issues at hand, its not even about the candidate. no, its about creating your plan and acting on it. its about making sure that our canvassers know where they are going, that our phonebankers know who they are calling, that all of them know what to say to the people on the other side of the door, on the other end of the line. the daily grind is the constant revision of your strategy while moving forward on your current strategy, all at full force. the daily grind of the campaign, once in it, is just a day long adrenaline rush. there is no time to think of the 'what ifs'. there is really only time to think of the 'what nows'..
during andrea's campaign every here and then we'd talk about the 'what if'.. our what if being if she won. but we didn't do that very often. no, we didn't allow ourselves that, we couldn't allow ourselves that. we knew that if we dug to deep into the results we'd either get discouraged or not discouraged enough. we knew that the day was about the tasks and the reactions, we knew that whatever was to come at the end we'd deal with that like we dealt with each day-- in the then and the then-now.
the commercials on tv are for the folks who aren't working the day in and the day out. they are for the folks who get the luxury of being able to look forward.. and i guess they are also for the folks who aren't so scared of what could happen that they aren't moved to work? i don't know, thats judgemental. the people who who really care aren't paying attention. the people who know what is at stake don't need the continual analysis of the campaign, they are doing what they can to get the outcome they wish for.
but i tend to live too much in the future, i tend to dwell on it, i tend to try to plan for the worst. and whats so scary about all this is that if the worst happens, i don't know what i'll do. the plans i'd like to enact i might not be able to, they might not let me. i might be stuck moving forward with the worst happening all around me.
Posted by brooke at 11:27 PM
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awoke.. grumpy
i awoke grumpy. i awoke to my tv blaring stuff about john kerry speaking over in springfield (right next door, and yes that john kerry).
it was a closed event. this whole john kerry business in the eugene / springfield area. last night i went down to the coordinated campaign to do some work and to also see if i could ferret out any information on this mornings secret location, but nary a peep came. i did get the work done though.
i think it would have been good for mr. kerry to publicly speak here in eugene. this bastion of liberalism and we hate the mainstreamism. it would have beehoved him to try to convince some of the local nader supporters of his worthiness for the whitehouse.
why? because people in eugene organize. they organize and write and send their messages all over the state. yes, portland does its thing, and eugene does do a lot of its own thing, but we reach our tenticles out. and when the stakes are as high as they are this year, he needs to do everything he can to make sure that he can to get EVERY vote. he needs to be concerned about nader in this state. and the nader supporters in eugene.
i'm also grumpy because the event was held in one of the more rich areas of springfield. it was my understanding that kerry was going to talk to people who were suffering from the bushy economy.. not people who were able to buy nice houses up off the flood plain. i wish i'd known the advanced team was having such a hard time finding someone who was suffering.. fuck, i should have just offered up my apartment building. lots of people here to talk to mr. kerry.
and lastly, the last reason i'm grumpy (about this kerry visit). the news keeps saying that gore only won oregon by 6,000 votes in 2000. well, thats true. but what is also true is that nader got 77,000 votes. so, if nader hadn't been a factor gore would have won by, say, at least 41,000 votes. i think its kinda ridiculous to assume that nader voters in 2000 would be bushy voters this year. yes, nader is a factor in oregon, but i'll admit, not nearly as big as he was in 2000. personally i only know about 2-3 people who are advocating for nader this year. most people have wisened up about the issue. (i say wisened up, cause i was a gore voter in 2000, esp. after reading 'my american history' by sarah shulman, a book about the reagan-bush era, an era that i was busily going through pre-puberty and puberty and then kayaking during, so i wasn't paying that much attention).
*agh*
water is boiling for coffee. this is good. i need to be nice for a meeting at noon today.
Posted by brooke at 10:03 AM
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Thursday, 12 August 04
jesus..
i'm not getting ANY work done today. ferfucksake. looks like i'll be up late tonight pounding away at my keyboard.
what have i manged to do today? i went grocery shopping. spent too much money on way crappy food.
talked to a friend about the latest eugene controversy. sent out a big long email about said controversy.
doodled some with getting my contact list more organized.
made my bed.
answered some questions. if i hadn't already drank some coffee i'd be totally screwed.
called the WRONG dianne, i think, and left a rambling message about the most current eugene controversy.. i did the same thing about a week or so ago, but the other way around and with email. yeah. 3 freakin' dianne's bandying about in my head now. from 1 to 3. well, 1 (my mother) and kinda another, to 1 and now 2 more. all with 2 n's.. hopefully by exposing the fact that there are now 3 dianne's in my life i'm not giving away anything else about them.
finally called about getting someone to put the deposit on the campaign phone. only i was only able to leave a message. *sigh* i hope i don't fuck this one up.
i did leave a very nice message on someone else's machine about a meeting.
what else?
nothing really of substance.
oh, and now i've located the part to the french press i've been looking for, but it now appears that another part that i DID have is now gone.
another day in the life of a bitter, single, childless woman who drinks caffeine in order to be not so bitter.. 8-D
Posted by brooke at 02:51 PM
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Wednesday, 11 August 04
naka-ima
naka-ima its what all the cool evolved (re: highly educated, somewhat crunchy, poor) folks do. its how we learn to become better people.
i have been avoiding it for years. really. years. i've been denying its existance or simply saying 'oh thats so great it works for you, i think i'll just go... mumble to myself in a corner'.. or something like that. yes, i've been keeping myself away.
until my friend p took the course last month.
now i wanna be one of the in crowd. i wanna be as cool as p when it comes to all this touchy feely, getting in touch with your feelings, highly evolved stuff. (okay, so i'll NEVER be as cool as p, because, face it, she'll always be waaaaay cooler than me)
i emailed the way cool naka-ima folks and got my in. well, really, it wasn't that hard.. i just requested to be a part of it on a certain weekend.. (oh, and GET THIS, i'm such a smarty-tarty pants, i decided to do it just a mere 3 weeks before ballots go out!) and then they sent me a confirmation and a big long list of questions i must answer.
questions.
questions about my heart and my soul. questions to get me to get all touchy feely and more evolved and stuff.
so now i've got this big list of questions that i'm avoiding. telling myself that yeah, its all good. but still.. lording over me.. like a test. "can i be more evolved at the end?" "can i be in the cool crowd" or will i just fail miserably. either i'll come across as too nutty or not nutty enough. balance is not my strong suit.
we'll see. i'll plow through. hopefully get to the end (before the deadline), do my best to answer the questions to the test, to be able to become one of the touchy feely more evolved..
torture i tell ya, torture. hahahahahaha
:)
Posted by brooke at 11:13 PM
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see what i can do?
helping out a friend..
editing it..
Posted by brooke at 04:05 PM
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Tuesday, 10 August 04
a, b, campaign!
a) your comments! i love them, i read them, they make me smile! thank you! but i suck at replying. i'm sorry. but really, in a crappy moment i'll get a comment and it'll un-crap the moment :) so, just cause i suck at replying, it doesn't mean i don't pay attention, because i DO!
b) beth! your sorbet recipe! yes, please do send it to me! i should really email you.
c) the other day i wrote about doing the numbers for the campaign. i wrote about it being scary, but i wrote about knowing that if i did it my role would be more defined..
the numbers mean that i worked to rank the 30 voting precincts that make up the east lane county commissioner's seat. which precincts we'll spend the most time on, which one's we hit only if we've got the time.
i did the numbers. the numbers have made co-manager d smile. the numbers have made kitty's (our mayoral candidate who won the primary and therefore will be the only name on the november ballot) campaign manager who is helping us out big time smile. its made me smile to know that i can pull it off.
hopefully in the next couple of days we're gonna meet with someone who has done a lot of this in the past. we're going to meet with him to talk about the numbers and to have someone back me up in the big meeting on monday. i'm nervous, because i'm afraid that i've totally done a bad job. but i built an explanation about how i came to my numbers into my word document and excel sheet. i've got a whole other set of numbers that show how i came to my conclusions. so, my process is all written out. if i did this right, it can only look good for me. if they don't, hopefully our co-managers will give me the weekend to fix them. i want to do this right. hopefully it will get folks to give me more due in the big meeting.
things are better this week. we're moving into our office, my role in the campaign is becoming more and more defined. i've processed with everyone, i had a nice conversation with co-manager d yesterday. she's a good person. we are going to be sharing office space with the lane county kerry campaign, and local democratic races.
and yes, kerry is going to be in eugene on thursday night. the event is only a media event. :P i say. i wanna see him. yes, i'd go and support him.
bush and kerry are both going to be in portland on friday. bushy is meeting with local businesses, kerry is doing a public rally. i think bushy is afraid of portland. his father called it 'little beirut'.. so, right, he should be. but if he wants to be the WAR president he shouldn't be so afraid of a bunch of oregonians. yeesh.. we might hold signs, we might yell really loud.. some of us break windows.. but people? no. fuck, we don't even like hurting trees or eating meat. we're too nice, if we were to knock him down we'd help him up, giving him a piece of our mind, but we'd help him up, dust him off, apologize, and offer to hug him out of brother and sisterhood between the common people.
so bushy is coming to oregon and he's afraid of us. i don't think a man who is afraid of oregonians should be running this country. no, because if he thinks we're scary then i wonder what he must think about the canadians.. i mean, yeesh.. they are REALLY nice. my goddess, and those brits.. well, hell... from my small experience, people are actually very nice everywhere.
anyhow.
there are commercials from bushy about wanting americans to own something. a house, a healthcare plan, etc.. thats great to say, but i'm just curious as to HOW that'll happen. really. is he going to ship US overseas? hell, if i can take my cats i'll be first in line to sign up for that program. i wonder if the average person watching those ads are wondering the "how" and not just hearing the "i'll get more stuff!" message.
and lastly, i guess.. i saw a bushy campaign spokesperson. hell, i'm seeing SO many commercials (oregon is a swing state, yeeehaww.).. and i'm wondering how all those people appearing in those commercials, how that spokesperson who looked pretty smart, got duped. how did they get duped to support the man? and i'm also wondering what they all thought of monica lewinsky, and i'm wondering what they think of a president who lied about things that are sacraficing the lives of so many innocents, the jobs and families of so many other innocents. i'm really wondering what they think of lies that affect the nation, the world. i mean, clinton's lies only affected hilary and monica. i'm wondering where on the iq scale all these people who are supporting a man and his lies fall. but really, i guess, i should feel sorry for them because they are simply so stupid.
time for bed. a lot to do tommorrow.
Posted by brooke at 11:29 PM
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Monday, 9 August 04
clothes
yeah, so i need furniture, but instead i got clothes.. :P
but seriously, the columbia brand of clothes is ment to fit a short stubby body.. really, i can't believe how well they look on me.
i think i need to retitle this blog.. something about a single, 31yo woman who is fixing her life and looking to no longer be single. its a transformation i tell ya, a transformation. nail polish, shaved legs, SHAVED ARMPITS!, girly clothes, being conscious that not only am i comfortable but that i also look at least decent when i leave the house.
oh my.
yeah, and hopefully i'll start being more thoughtful. i'm just too boring.
Posted by brooke at 12:43 AM
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Sunday, 8 August 04
okay, maybe it ain't so bad that i'm being forced to clean my apartment right now. its a lot of work, but my bedroom certainly does look a lot better.
btw, i'm about ready to just go drop more money than i really have to spend on a bedside table, 2 lamps, and a chest of drawers. the stuff i have now is just.. well, it'd have fit great in my college dorm.
Posted by brooke at 03:51 PM
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Friday, 6 August 04
agh.
basically i feel like i'm being told to shut up and do what people tell me too. i'm not allowed to have an opinion.
do i really want to do this?
addendum:
m is sweet. i complain, he does what he can to fix it. i just told him that.
i must remember at all times the 3 rules of campaigning:
a) get your ego out of it.
b) get your ego out of it.
c) get your ego out of it.
if i do grunt work, hopefully that will be recognized.
Posted by brooke at 08:18 PM
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the good and the bad..
the bad: my illness is back. there's no way around that fact at all.
the good: i've got coffee on right now, an energy booster, that'll help me get the work done i've not gotten done all day.
--
the bad: the energy at the campaign office is nuts.
the good: i like the nutty energy, and maybe even some of the egos..
--
the bad: i have no idea what my role in this campaign is...
the good: if i do the numbers right my role will be better defined
the scary: can i do the numbers?
the less scary: yes, as someone has acknowledge, this campaign is MUCH bigger than the last one.
--
the bad: i've been eating like nobody's business
the good: i put on some pants today that i bought after i got home from baja.. they were snug. today they are way comfy and i can slip them on and off over my big butt, even being that i'm bloated, waiting for my period to come.
--
the bad: my kitchen is a mess
the good: i make wicked good sorbet
--
the bad: if i'd gone home when i was supposed to, i'd be there RIGHT NOW, with my ma and pa and everyone good instead of here.
the good: i'll be home at thanksgiving instead, i've already mentioned that i expect my nephew to be there, his parents don't have to be ;-D
---
the bad: i'm afraid bush will win
the good: there are hundreds of people in lane county oregon, alone, and thousands of people like jodi working to make sure that doesn't happen.
okay, thats that. its time for the 6:00 friends showing.
Posted by brooke at 05:48 PM
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Thursday, 5 August 04
sorbet
i'm probably the last one to discover this..
i watch those commercials that talk about making your own sorbet.. and lo and behold, you actually can. not just YOU, I can.
froze some strawberries (i recommend taking the stems off FIRST).. threw them in the food processor with a wee bit of sugar and some lemonade.. started the thing, and what came out? a great treat for ME. sorbet. yep, sorbet. i made sorbet. tastes like sherbert. less calories, better for me. YEAH! i rock.
i need to go to winco with the cheap produce and get lots of fruit so that i can have sorbet the winter through.
Posted by brooke at 01:22 PM
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Tuesday, 3 August 04
i have the best mom
really, i do.
i read lots and lots of stories of people who have crappy moms. people who don't get along with their moms, people who dread going to see their moms.
not me.
goddess.. she and i have been through shit, but i've never wished she wasn't my mom. no, not ever.
tonight she was a gem. 2-3 months of crap has piled up. piled up, piled up piled up. i called tonight and just let the tears run.. let the anger come out, ran around and around in circles with her. oh goddess yes. and she just sat on the phone and said 'i want to listen, i want to help.' she was so sweet.
i know my life sucks, and i don't have a family of my own, but i know so many people out there who have crappy relationships with the family of their birth. at least i've got a good relationship with my mom, dad, and brother.
yeah, i am incredibly jealous that my brother is happily married and has a son. but i'm glad that he's happy.. and my nephew.. i am so glad that he's alive and that he looks so much like my brother. it makes me cry when i think about that gift to my brother.
i wish i weren't alone. i wish so much that i weren't alone. and these days i'm so angry about it, so angry about being alone.. but at least i've got my mom and dad and brother... at least i've got them.
Posted by brooke at 08:09 PM
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Monday, 2 August 04
the dsl
the dsl is up and running.. not as fast as i expected, but very much noticeably faster than the dial-up (i'm on the cheapest, therefore slowest, dsl).
but now i've got gas (yeah yeah, tmi).. so i think i'll go sit in bed and fart.. ahahahahahahaha
Posted by brooke at 11:58 PM
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no motivation, at all.
agh. i have no motivation to do anything, what so ever. ugh ugh ugh. i'm supposed to be doing things, but.. well.. i've got 4 hours of meetings today and i don't really wanna. yeah, i'm a lazy ass, aren't i?
but my modem came. but my dsl won't be up and running at that end until 5pm.. right in the middle of my marathon meetings..
goody goody goody.
Posted by brooke at 02:46 PM
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Sunday, 1 August 04
pride day in the valley
its pride day in the valley here. well, not the whole valley, eugene specifically. it'll be my 10th pride day. not actually going to all 10.. sporadically going, hitting the best ones-- 2 atlanta prides, one san francisco pride, hitting the not so best ones-- 5 eugene prides, one roanoke, va pride..
lots of rainbow stuff. lots of "NO ON MEASURE 36" buttons, sure. lots of happy queer people walking around buying kitschy things, happy that they have their party once a year.
yeah, they. over the last year i have done a transformation. i have left the world of I AM QUEER and have gone to one more like.. "um, i wanna have kids and sex with men, so forgive me while i reject the need to yell YES I ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN, but not as much as men TOO" from every butte, rooftop, window, car window, etc
its been an interesting thing, because for so long i was a member of that community, i felt my membership in it to be one of the most sacred things that could ever be bestowed on me. and when i speak about it sometimes i do say "we," because really i have more knowledge of the community than your average woman who likes having sex with men, but more and more it is "they"..
i don't feel connected to the community anymore. i don't willingly embrace all the steryotypes of either a lesbian or bisexual woman, in fact i shun them. its almost like a purging of that in my life. i feel like i'm trying to proove that i am worthy of the love of a man, a man who embraces feminist ideals, but a man nonetheless.
i'm doing what other women do in their teens. i'm shaving my legs for the first time in 5 years, i don lipgloss and moan at the fact that the nail polish i bought was too light to be noticed. i worry about the tattoo i got nearly 10 years ago and wonder if men will be turned away instantly because of it.
i don't want my family to be freakish. i don't want the family that i hope to create to stand out because of who i am. no, i don't mind us sticking out like a sore thumb in republican-we-hate-everyone-but-rich-white-christian america, but that will be because of the beliefs i have spent a life time to cultivate, beliefs that i have spent a large part of the last 13 years wondering how i would best pass on to my yet to be adopted, conceived or fostered children (thanks to s for that so great phrase). no, i don't want a white picket fence, but i want life not to be a freak show either.
being queer isn't easy, no it isn't. take it from someone who has been there full and full. there's a lot of constant fight that goes on to be recognized. there's a lot of inner and outer hatred that has to be constantly dealt with. i want life to be a lot eaiser than the last 31 years have been. i don't want to be a full member of the queer community. yes, i love the queer community and will fight for their right to be who they are in all the glorious colours of the rainbow. this is just not a fight i want for myself anymore. i know that sounds absolutely awful, but its where i am and where i have been.
Posted by brooke at 11:26 AM
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